It certainly has been a while, hasn't it? I find that, in my times of crisis, writing has always helped me figure things out. Let's hope it can work its magic again tonight.

I currently feel quite overwhelmed. The deadline for application into Madison's Grad school programs (the whole reason I'm here) is rapidly approaching and I am scrambling to get everything together. There are tests to be taking, references to get, and financial aid to apply for... all within the next three weeks or so. I can't believe how long I've let it go without getting this stuff done... I thought I had grown past that phase in my life where I let deadlines approach without doing anything about them. The REAL stress is that the Creative Writing program here is only available to accept new students once every two years... which means if I don't make it this year--I probably won't ever (considering I can't imagine myself staying in Madison for two years if I don't get accepted to Grad school this year or next. What would be the point?).

Even as I plan out the next three weeks, I seem to be unable to get my head working as I've been ill for almost a week now. I actually seem to be getting worse as the days go on. A normal illness for me is a routine that I can almost set a calender to: first day-sore throat; second day-dry coughing/sore throat; third day-by far the worst, coughing/sneezing/runny nose/etc; fourth day-coughing gets 'wetter' and sneezing subsides; fifth day and on-coughing and runny nose until I feel better. This particular illness has stretched the normal days by two or three and I've just now gotten to the climax of the illness. It is my hope that I'll feel better tomorrow so that I can make the trip to Michigan for Thanksgiving... but there's a good possibility that I won't (neither feel better nor make the trip). That depresses me, as Thanksgiving has always been a holiday that my entire family makes the effort to get back together (Christmas can sometimes be all over the place... but Thanksgiving was always steady). I talked to my folks today who discouraged me from making the trip... and then proceeded to say that they would love it if I could make it.

To add to my stress, I cracked a crown on my tooth over a week ago. I just went in to see a dentist this morning, but my health/dental/etc benefits at work won't kick in until 90 days after I started. That means we're talking the end of January before I'll be eligible for some financial assistance. The dentist doesn't think we can wait that long without doing something, and the 'cheaper' part of the procedure is still going to cost me around $400. It also seems as if no one I work with knows anything about my benefits... or who I can talk to to find that information out.

To make matters worse, I recently got into a fender-bender of sorts... and now the right-rear fender on my car is cracked (plastic doesn't bend--it breaks! Hooray plastic! Hooray sarcasm!). With my car approaching 100,000 miles and also approaching a decade old, I'm not too keen to dump a few hundred dollars into getting a 'cosmetic' procedure done.

The icing on this cake is that I really can't talk to my parents about any of this. There is a long story here... but the short version is that their house had an insect problem and the fumigation has caused my parents to have serious allergic reactions whenever they go inside the house...to the point that they aren't living in it any more and may have to consider selling it soon. Needless to say, they have their own problems and have neither the time nor the money to help me.

When I have days like today when nothing seems to make sense--and it seems like from the time I wake up to the time I go back to sleep, I'm just trying to survive the day--it really gets me down. For someone who struggles with 'meaning' and deeper questions of existence... trying to justify having to live a life of daily survival (and 'survival' seems to diminish those who actually are in life-and-death struggles on a daily basis. Perhaps 'in a trance' is a better phrase for it) seems ridiculous! There has GOT to be something better out there. In the words of the immortal Vince Lombardi, "What the hell is going on out there?"

Also, it seems I have 'lost my funny' somewhere along the past year. Is it possible that I grew up and older me just isn't humorous? Must try to recapture hilarity in subsequent posts. Mental note to try to remember all good penis jokes.