Impressing Big Chris... And Other Things I Didn't Do
Today was spent going to the bank and doing some miscellaneous errands (one of which was running my lines about twenty times for the show). I think I just needed another day of trying to get things in order and a night of watching old home-movies and balling my eyes out (if I can... it's my plan for after I finish blogging!) before I sent out my resumes to be rejected. I actually have a pretty good "line" on a company that does Information Technology [paid] internships... so that's probably where I'll start tomorrow.
But as for tonight (and the title)... tonight was yet another "Sweet Pumpkin Pie..." rehearsal. All the actors were there early, running lines, except for Kim. Her mom is in town, and Kim and her mom showed up almost right at 7. Ironically enough, just as Joe Janes asked aloud, "So we're waiting for Kim and her mom?" and I said "Yeah we're waiting for her mom!"... that's when Kim decided to come in, exclaiming "I heard that." I felt slightly embarrassed... but kind of like it was a good thing. When trying to woo someone (I have tons of experience on this, trust me), it's always best to let them see how stupid you are as soon as possible. Then, if they're still interested, when they've already seen you at your mental worst... you must have a good thing going, right? Yeah... I'm easily the dumbest person in this room right now. *looks around* Okay... we're all in agreement. Next. Oh yeah! Chris! Okay... so Kim's mom is one of those "Call me Chris" moms. That's cool... but totally not how I'm going to be. "It's Mr. Steeno" is how I'll introduce myself to my children's friends... no matter how old my children are. And, if I were to ever receive an honorary doctorate? WATCH OUT! I'm going to be one of those huge pricks that forces everyone to call me "Dr. Steeno" even though it really doesn't apply. I'm awesome. Anyway... so we started rehearsal and Kim looked really quiet nice... she was "decked out" (as my dad would say) because her mom was there, I'm sure. That has nothing to do with anything... okay. Anyway, so I didn't get a chance to chat with Chris before we started the run of the show. But, after one of my scenes, and before I scene I'm not in, I was able to ask where in Connecticut they're from. And then later, when Kim and I were both not in a scene, I asked her what she does for a living. She's a High School English teacher! So I told her that I majored in English in college... and that's when Kim told her mom that I don't know what amenable means. And, yes, I know I just linked to the definition... and I DO know what it means NOW, but our first read-thru of the show, one of my characters says it, and I not only didn't know what it meant, I didn't know how it was pronounced. So, at the time, I just leaned over to Kim and said "What's this word?" And she said "amenable." And I said "I'd better write down the pronunciation so I remember it"... and then I wrote "amenable"... because it's pronounced exactly how it's spelled. Kim thought that was hilarious (and that's kind of the first time I thought I had a chance with this lovely young lady). So, yes, I had to admit to her mother that I didn't know what that word meant, and I added "At least I know enough to ask if I don't know something"... which didn't get a response from either of them. And then I said "You should probably mention that I didn't know how it was pronounced either"... and Kim laughed and said "that was my first clue you didn't know what it meant" or something to that effect. I know this sounds stupid... but I had this great vision of meeting Kim's mom and having her think I was the greatest thing ever and... you know... having an "in" there. Parents of people LOVE me! I get along with everyone's parents... and they LOVE me! But not only did I NOT get that connection with Kim's mom, she thinks I'm some idiot who doesn't know simple, four syllable words. Nice. I hope I get to meet her dad someday... maybe we'll argue about gun control, or he'll be an avid golfer, or he'll be a business man who treats people like numbers, or something else equally counter to my being. *shakes head* Yes, I'm getting ahead of myself, as she and I haven't even gone on a date yet... but I DID just meet her mom, so I can't help thinking stupid thoughts like "I'm an idiot" or "Viagra won't help me." Typical stuff. I think I'm going to post a picture tonight, too. To make me feel better about things. Ooo! And I have old home-movies to watch and cry to! I almost forgot! Gotta go... have a good night, all!

Email My Posts!
In a continued effort to broaden my audience, I've added something to my blog: The ability for you, the reader, to email anything I post to a friend. I figure this way, if you see something that you think a friend of yours would find funny (but they don't know me), you can share the funny with them directly. (And maybe I'll get people who don't know me to read this... but I doubt it) I think it's a neato keen idea. But it's frequency of use is up to you.

Happy President's Day!
Here's a list of 20 random facts about former (and current) Presidents of the United States. I basically just copied and pasted it from MSN here (although MSN wasn't presented to you with "Crazytary"):
1. In warm weather, 6th president of the United States John Quincy Adams customarily went skinny-dipping in the Potomac River before dawn. (A pioneer, Adams was the first man to blame shrinkage on the temperature of water)
2. 9th U.S. president William Henry Harrison was inaugurated on a bitterly cold day and gave the longest inauguration speech ever. The new president promptly caught a cold that soon developed into pneumonia. Harrison died exactly one month into his presidential term, the shortest in U.S. history. (Who didn't know this?)
3. John Tyler, 10th U.S. president, fathered 15 children (more than any other president)--8 by his first wife, and 7 by his second wife. Tyler was past his seventieth birthday when his 15th child was born. (Tyler was Bill Clinton's idol. Zing!)
4. Sedated only by brandy, 11th president of the United States James Polk survived gall bladder surgery at the age of 17. (Ironically enough, Polk later became an advocate of prohibition, saying "Alcohol leads only to pain. Excruciating pain.")
5. 15th U.S. president James Buchanan is the only unmarried man ever to be elected president. Buchanan was engaged to be married once; however, his fiancée died suddenly after breaking off the engagement, and he remained a bachelor all his life. (James Buchanan, our first gay president)
6. Often depicted wearing a tall black stovepipe hat, 16th president of the United States Abraham Lincoln carried letters, bills, and notes in his hat. (Little do you know, Lincoln is still alive. That fateful day at Ford's Theatre, Booth shot the jelly sandwich Lincoln had hidden in his hat)
7. 17th U.S. president Andrew Johnson never attended school. His future wife, Eliza McCardle, taught him to write at the age of 17. (Bonus fact about Andrew Johnson: He only wore suits that he custom-tailored himself.) [That bonus fact wasn't from me... but this one is: Supplemental Bonus fact about Andrew Johnson: He was the first ever Broccoli Queen of Jackson County, Michigan]
8. Ulysses S. Grant, 18th president of the United States, died of throat cancer. During his life, Grant had smoked about 20 cigars per day. (Grant's one regret... not living long enough to see Kevin Kline's portrayal of him in the movie Wild Wild West)
9. Both ambidextrous and multilingual, 20th president of the United States James Garfield could write Greek with one hand while writing Latin with the other. (Sadly, Garfield couldn't read either of those languages, and he died before ever figuring out what his hands were trying to tell him.)
10. Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th president of the United States, underwent a secret operation aboard a yacht to remove his cancerous upper jaw in 1893. (How secret could this operation really be, if Cleveland had his upper jaw removed? "There's something different about your mouth today, President Cleveland." "Mmuwavah Paawvah Booah!")
11. The teddy bear derived from 26th U.S. president Theodore ("Teddy") Roosevelt's refusal to shoot a bear with her cub while on a hunting trip in Mississippi. (When asked why he didn't shot the bear, Roosevelt responded "It was holding a heart that said 'I love you' and, when I squeezed its paw, it sang to me. I just couldn't do it")
12. William Taft, 27th president of the United States, weighed more than 300 pounds and had a special oversized bathtub installed in the White House. (Taft is Limbaugh's idol. Zing!)
13. Warren Harding, 29th U.S. president, played poker at least twice a week, and once gambled away an entire set of White House china. His advisors were nicknamed the "Poker Cabinet" because they joined the president in his poker games. (Even though everyone thinks we bought Alaska from the Russians, Harding actually won it in a Poker game. And much of the Western side of Canada... which neither Russia nor the United States wanted, but both sides thought would be funny to give to England. I speak, of course, of British Columbia)
14. Calvin Coolidge, 30th president of the United States, had chronic stomach pain and required 10 to 11 hours of sleep and an afternoon nap every day. (Coolidge is Bush's idol. Zing!)
15. Herbert Hoover, 31st U.S. president, published more than 16 books, including one called Fishing for Fun-And to Wash Your Soul. (The books sucked so much, Hoover became synonymous with vacuuming)
16. 32nd president of the United States Franklin D. Roosevelt was related, either by blood or by marriage, to 11 former presidents. (Needless to say, Roosevelt was from Kentucky. Zing!)
17. The letter "S" comprises the full middle name of the 33rd president, Harry S. Truman. It represents two of his grandfathers, whose names both had "S" in them. (Truman's parents were so shocked by the fantastic odds against both of their fathers having an "S" in their name somewhere, that they couldn't do anything BUT name little Harry, Harry 'S')
18. Military leader and 34th president of the U.S. Dwight D. Eisenhower loved to cook; he developed a recipe for vegetable soup that is 894 words long and includes the stems of nasturtium flowers as one of the ingredients. (Eisenhower's recipe also called for two heaving cupfuls of something he called "Ike", because he knew everyone had such an affinity for it)
19. 40th president of the United States Ronald Reagan broke the so-called "20-year curse," in which every president elected in a year ending in 0 died in office. (A brave man, while in office Reagan also took a stand against what he called "stupid, far-fetched curses")
20. George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States, and his wife Laura got married just three months after meeting each other. (When asked about it, Bush responded "I think three months is enough to ensure that there could never be any destruction of the sanctity of a marriage union that could EVER occur in THIS relationship. After three months, you know a person pretty dog-gone good.")

Sick Blogging
Hey kids. It's Way-Late O'clock here in Chicago... and I've already tried unsuccessfully to get to sleep tonight. I feel pretty sick, with my throat feeling very sore and my stomach totally hurting. I refuse to believe that Kim could have gotten me sick, because I don't want to believe that someone you like can get you sick without exchanging oral fluids. Or at least doing something fun... that would balance the whole "sickness" feeling.
I spent some time today cleaning my apartment. Not so much time that you can really tell I did anything, but enough time so that I felt like I spent too much time for the results I got. I hope that makes sense to someone. Anyway, my clothing is all organized: instead of being in one huge dirty clothes pile, it's in two, large dirty clothes hampers. I'm looking forward to going home one of the next two weekends to wash them for free (maybe I'll talk about money later... but it's less expensive to drive home and do all my laundry, than it is to do it in my building. No joke). I also spent a sizeable amount of time working on my wall of pictures in my front hall-way. Maybe this is why I feel like I spent too much time... because I would really take my time looking at them and figuring out which pictures I wanted up. The pictures now extend all the way from my door to the end of the entrance wall (quite a feat, if you've seen my place). I honestly can't wait to show someone... but I will have to wait, because I never invite anyone to my apartment and Ken will be the first one to see it when he visits in two weeks (probably)[not probably he'll visit, probably he'll be the first one to see it].
I still have a lot of work to do to clean this apartment. My mom thinks it will make me feel better about going out and begging for jobs... like I'll have someplace nice to come home to. Maybe she's right... but that's my mom for you. I'm sure she would also like to remedy my joblessness with some kind of cookie or a bunch of fruit (which, oddly enough, is on the way from my mom. Not the cookies, a box of various fruit [apples, oranges, and pears]). If only all the world's troubles could be fixed by cleaning your apartment or eating fruit... I'd be all set. Perhaps there's a very deep metaphor in all this that I'm missing... ? But I'll just continue to think my mom is crazy, if it's all the same to everyone else.
Huh. Just so everyone knows... I'm almost positive I just heard a gunshot. Cool.
Anyway... where was I? I think I was sick and babbling on and on about myself. Okay good... I remember now. What sucks is that tomorrow (Sunday), I'm supposed to drive out to Keith's to help him work on this thing for a golf convention Thursday. He was asked to do a couple sketches... and he asked me to help. That doesn't suck... that's really cool of him, and I'm happy to do it... what sucks is that it's raining here. And the rain is supposed to give way to snow sometime tonight. And then that frozen rain/snow mixture is going to be dumped on by more rain tomorrow morning. Best case scenario, the rain in the morning will melt the ice and snow. Worst case scenario, the rain will just add to the hazard of the ice and snow. So I kind of want to tell Keith that I don't feel comfortable risking the drive. But Sunday is the only day I can go out there and help him. So now what?
Additionally, though this has nothing to do with anything, I am most seriously out of money. Remember how I said that I had enough to get by and yadda yadda? Well... I've now run out. I'm happy that I've made it this far... but now I need money, badly. After I pay these two bills before the first of next month, I will probably have about $20-30 in my account. Which brings me back to driving home sometime soon. I have to ask my folks for money. Yeah. And I also have to get a job... which I'm hesitant to do until Ken gets here, because I don't want to have to start work while he's here on vacation.
Do you remember being happy? Being truly happy? I think some people out there probably don't have to remember it as a thing of the past... but looking through my pictures tonight confirmed that, for me, it's been a long time. I remember waking up happy... taking in that first deep breath of the day, as if drinking in the deliciousness of the air. And the air was delicious; it was clean and fresh... and it made me anticipate an exciting day full of possibilities. Now I wake up and hit the snooze... because I'd really rather be sleeping than be awake. If I have class at night, I don't want to do anything during the day... because I'd really rather not be going to class at night. The whole day seems wasted, as I try to build up the energy to force myself to go to class. It not like the classes are bad... they're just hard. And they're not fun. Somewhere along the line, someone decided to take all the fun out of improv and make it a job. A job that revels in demolishing ones ego and confidence... making one feel as stupid as is humanly possible. There seems to be a very delicate balance between "making it up as you go along" and "following the rules." For someone like me, the following rules part is the easy part. But, if you follow all the rules, there's really nothing creative that is produced as a result.
I remember feeling important. I remember times when it felt like what I did, said, or thought mattered. I think that's why a lot of people have children (which is sad, but true)... because, no matter what happens outside of your household, what you do, say, and think is very important to your children. And, the more desperate the parent is to be important (to have "power" too), the more controlling they are with their children. I think, in some ways, this period of my life is very important. I'm feeling desperation... real, honest, desperation for the first time in my life. I'll do anything to get on that stage and get noticed... but I also want to follow the rules and be good at what I'm doing, so there is a struggle between being noticed and fitting in with my group. I've actually had an improv group approach me about joining them and I haven't said anything in response yet. I need to do that... I need to tell them that I'm not interested. While I would love the experience with people who are actually going to be out DOING something (as opposed to a lot of the people I know who are, by all accounts, going nowhere), I feel like I'm better than the people in that group. They would be dragging me down... and, because of talking with Chris after Basically Awesome, I HAVE to keep in mind that I'm only as good as the people around me. If I settle for an improv group because I need the practice, I'm really doing myself a disservice.
I'm also pretty disheartened by the fact that I haven't heard back from this woman from Cartoon Network Europe. I suppose I should email her again and see if she even got my first email. I was really looking forward to the challenge of trying to write something for a cartoon... as it's a genre I've never tackled. But it's something I feel like I would do well in, because of the high amount of terrible puns and bad, situational, physical humor that permeates cartoons. I kill at that!
I just figured out what I should do. I have two and a half weeks before Ken gets here. I'm going to use that time to clean my apartment, and try to write the screenplay I started thinking about months ago. I have a very unique opportunity with all this free time to REALLY sit down and write something. I've just bought a book, Story, which is supposed to help with screenwriting... and I'm going to spend my time reading that book, writing, and cleaning. Then, after Ken leaves, I HAVE to get a stupid f--king job to just pay some bills. Hopefully I'll be able to head home some weekend, beg my folks for enough dough to make it through the first half of March (just long enough for me to get my first paycheck at the job I still don't have... but will no doubt get as soon as I lower my standards enough to take ANYTHING [I'm to that point again... great]), and I should be all set. Well... I'm glad I got that all figured out. Now, hopefully I can actually get some sleep. I feel like poop.

Friday night with the cast!
First of all, let me tell you that I had a weird dream last night. In the dream, I got on a plane thinking I was going to Chicago... because the sign said "Chicago." So I board the plane... and it turns out they didn't change the sign after the Chicago plane left... and the flight attendant didn't check my ticket, she just ripped it and told me to keep going, so I found myself on a plan going to Toronto instead. And I took off in the plane, and had to wait until I landed before I realized that I was in Toronto and not Chicago. Here's the fun part: I didn't have any money to get back to Chicago. I couldn't afford a cab; I couldn't afford a plane ticket; and I couldn't afford to rent a car. I was literally stuck in Toronto with no way to get back to Chicago. Shitty, huh? I hope that if that ever happens, I can call one of you and you'll take me at least as far as Albion or, better yet, KZoo. Right, so if I call from Toronto, you already know what happened.

Friday night, we got together as a cast and rehearsed the lines (sans Brian... who didn't make it because it was his girlfriend's birthday). On my way there, I found the directions that I printed off to be seriously lacking in effectiveness. Yep, I got lost and had to call Chris to ask him where I was. I called Adam and Ken first to see if I could get them to hop on the internet and check where I was... but neither of them answered (bastards)... so I had to call Chris and be a douche. I was hoping that Kim wouldn't be there already to hear that I had gotten lost... but I called him 15 minutes late already, so, yeah, pretty much everyone was there already. I felt like such an idiot.
When I finally arrived, I was pleasantly surprised by the space. Not that I expected it to be shitty... but it was bigger than I thought it would be. A lot of places in Chicago are deep but not wide... if you can imagine an apartment extending back away from the street, but not being very wide. Anyway, everyone looked comfy... but Kim was feeling sick. So I felt bad for her... and kind of upset that she probably wasn't going to go out and get a drink with us. Shut up... I really want to get to know this girl better. Leave me alone!
So then, once everyone was there, we ran lines... and we ran all the lines from every scene in the show. Good practice for us... and Chris and I even messed around with some of our lines because we knew that scene really well. As we were running lines, I found myself on the couch sitting next to Kim. I didn't "find myself" there so much as "put myself there on purpose." Anyway, I thought this was kind of weird... there was a few times while we were running lines when she used my thighs to warm her feet. This is not a foreign concept to me... but it is something I normally only get with women I'm dating or someone I know really well (like Rhea or Jean would do it some times). But there were Kim's feet, underneath my thigh getting warm. Am I making too big a deal out of this? Perhaps she's just one of those attractive women who have always used men however they want because they're so attractive that men will do whatever they want? That's possible. I don't know... but I do know that I've talked with three different people about the Kim "situation" and everyone keeps telling me to be myself and whatever. And, I'm sure that's what I'm supposed to be doing (and it's what I AM actually doing with Kim, despite my own thoughts on the subject)... but I don't know about that either. "Myself" is not a very smooth person... nor is he very comfortable with people (women in particular)... and isn't confidence sexy? Where am I supposed to find some of that? I'm getting ahead of myself. My question is simply this: Is it weird that she used my leg to keep her feet warm? Or am I making too big a deal out of nothing? I honestly don't know.
But I do know that we sang through the song a couple of times and I found myself being jealous of Chris. Not simply because he's doing the song with Kim, but because I really wish I was singing that song. It's such a funny song... and it's beautiful in it's own weird/quirky way. And, yeah, I'm pretty jealous that I don't have the lead in this stupid song. So I sat there, jealous, while we sang through the song a couple of times with the CD (the musical director made a CD of him playing the song and singing through it).
After we finished going through the song and the entire song, we headed to a bar in the area. Kim had drank some tea and apparently felt good enough to come with us... so that was cool. We then found a table and played this "Have you ever?" drinking game... where we learn something "new and fun" about each other. I, for the most part, felt like a goodie-goodie (can I even SAY that? who says f--king "goodie-goodie"? What a loser!)... but then I said "Have you ever dated three people at the same time?" And I was the only person who drank. And Kim gave me a look like I was a terrible person. I, of course, refer to the time when Laura and I were just broken up, and then there was the night with someone who will remain nameless (because she hates my guts now), and then the night with Karen... before I realized that I liked Karen a whole bunch, and had to say goodbye to the other young lady. I wasn't technically even dating Laura at the time... I just still felt bad that we had broken up, and I felt that I shouldn't move on so quickly. But, damn, did I feel like a giant DOUCHE! I was able to, at least, get my James Earl Jones story out to make myself feel a little better (and less like the biggest asshole on the planet).
After a little while of that Kim left... and the four of us sat around and danced and talked. Then, of all the songs in the world, Maximillion/Shaggy's Sexual Healing played. I could have shit myself! Chris already knew that I did the impression, because I did it once before rehearsal... but no one else was paying attention for the whole song... and it was too loud to hear me, anyway. Honestly, ever since I was very young, I've always wanted to impress people through song. I want to be singing (or rapping) something and just have people think "Wow... that's talent." I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this SO strongly... but it's one of my most frequent daydreams (particularly when I'm listening to music that I like). There I am, performing some song in front of a group of people, having them just love every second of it. I sort of got that thrill through the Euphonics... but I never felt like anyone was singling me out in particular as being incredibly talented. I think most people thought of me as someone who was fairly talented, performing with a lot of other (perhaps more) talented people. I want my singing to be able to single me out... and I honestly have no idea why. Maybe I'm supremely ego-centric? Maybe I'm so insecure about my singing abilities that I need that kind of reassurance? I can't answer those questions. But singing in front of a captive audience is very high on my list of things I want to do before I die. (Yes, I remember Outer Core... but, let's face it, if we would have sucked they still would have cheered for us. That's not a very good gauge.)

Now to Pull Out The "Totally Awesome" File!
I got an email today from the official website of The Work And The Glory, Alex's movie. And they have, apparently, decided to open this movie up in more theatres March 11th (or 3-11... if you are all into weird coincidences that occur in my life). One of the cities it's going to be extended to play in is "Chicago"!!! So I'm going to get to see Alex's movie!!! Here's the funny funny catch. When they say "Chicago"... they don't mean Chicago. They mean South Barrington, Illinois. And, even though it claims to be 'South' Barrington, it's not south of Chicago, it's North-West. And it's roughly an hour away by car. Making me pissed that they would say Chicago and have me get my hopes up that I could just walk there... but, still, an hour away is better than a few states away! So now I just need to get a few people together to drive the couple hours with me to see this movie and I'll be all set. Awesome!!!

Some days things fall apart... and some days, everything comes together
It's an incredible feeling to sit and watch as the universe seems to quite literally be unfolding a path for you. You look behind yourself and the path is smooth--already made... with peaks and valleys, and it looks like the path has always been that way. And then you look back ahead of yourself and see events being set into motion and possible paths you could take... I'm getting too into this metaphor, aren't I? Perhaps I should start at the beginning.
The beginning finds me sitting on my futon, checking the Chicago Reader classified ads for jobs. Brief sidenote: There is an ad that I absolutely LOVE... which I'll include here. And I quote: "WINDOW CLEANERS WANTED. Growing company. Great pay. Full and part-time. Professional experience only" And I know that they probably need window washers for the high-rise buildings down town... but please, "professionals only"? "Can I have a job?"; "Have you washed windows for money before?"; "No, but I am quite good"; "Sorry, we're only looking for professional window cleaners... thank you."
Where was I? Oh yes, I was looking through the Reader... and I happened to be checking my email at the same time (I can multi-task! I'm almost as good as a woman at it, but not quite... close at all, not really all that close what-so-ever). I got an email today from the director of my writing five show Mankind: And Other Oxymorons, MT. She forwarded us an email from a friend (... ? I'm assuming a friend) in England who works for Cartoon Network Europe (yeah... I guess they have their own Cartoon Network in Europe now). This woman who works at Cartoon Network Europe is looking for freelance writers to write cartoons for CNE! So I tossed her back an email saying I was interested. I was just thinking about how cool it would be to be a writer and set my own hours and be able to watch movies and t.v. and call it "research." So I was totally psyched about that. And then, I got an email from The Second City. They're offering an Intro to Writing for Film and Television class next term... and it's only open to people who have completed the writing program. Why, that's me! AND it's on Tuesday nights, so if I had gotten my first conservatory class choice (Tuesday nights), I wouldn't be able to take this class. Cue the spooky music please! How weird is all this?! Come on! It's pretty freakin' weird. And that's not all...

Wednesday night I went and saw the first ever "Second City Scenes You Should Know." The Second City is finally opening up its archived footage to the training center students... and this was the first installment. I showed up about two minutes late and they had already started... the audio quality is sub-par... and the video was only a little better, but it was neat to get ideas for scenes from.
After that, I went in to register for classes. The guy in the office was Ted Howard, whose wife, Rachel, is in "Sweet Pumpkin Pie..." with me. So I asked him about the show, and if he was coming... and then I told him I wanted to get into the Intro to Writing for Film and Television class, and I wanted to know what I would need to submit (since the email I mentioned above said that you had to submit something to make it into the class). But Ted said, "Don't worry about it, I just put you in. So you're all set." I was like WOW! COOL! How could this day get any better? Everything seems to be falling into place!
And, as I left the office and was unzipping my backpack at the top of the stairs to put the receipt in my backpack, I heard someone yell "John!" I looked around the lounge area, and there was Kim, sitting at a table with a few other people. I walked over and she wanted to know what I was doing, etc... but the whole time I was only thinking "she didn't HAVE to acknowledge that I was even here. Maybe she actually doesn't know when she'll have free time to see a movie! And I was just projecting my insecurities again..." So we chatted for a bit and I didn't bring up the movie thing and neither did she. So that wasn't BAD... it was probably more on the good side of the spectrum, if anything. So yeah... sweet.
After that, I went to Borders to pick up a couple books. One of the books I picked up was called "Story" by Robert McKee. It's basically a screenwriting work-book kind of book. It's basically the screen writer's Bible... and it's huge. I'm excited to dig my teeth into the soft underbelly of this book (WHAT?). Today I'll leave you with something that McKee says at the end of the book that resonated with me (I checked the end to see how many pages... over 400!):
"For above all else, beyond imagination and skill, what the world asks of you is courage, courage to risk rejection, ridicule and failure."

Why one needs to watch Street Fighter... (answer: Because one just saw "Saw")
Monday night was my "Sweet Pumpkin Pie..." rehearsal. We've been off book for a week now, and we got the final running order this week. This is another fun show for me, where I get to be in three scenes, take a scene off, be in four more scenes, get another scene off, and then be on stage until 199four-ever. That doesn't make sense. But it's going to be another show here where it will probably feel to the audience like I'm in every scene. And, even though I'm in a lot of the show, I wish I had a bigger part in the song. I ran into John ("Boston") from the cast of Mankind, and I told him that I always get hosed in songs. I can't audition worth shit... but I'm pretty good at singing. So I will be forever cast as the BEST member of the chorus. And that's kind of how I feel. The worst part about this particular song is that the song is incredible! It's funny and it's musically interesting... and I wish I had the lead SO BADLY! (and not just because I would be singing opposite Kim... but for the two reasons I just listed) Anyway... so I sit there in the background and sing along in my head the whole song... just wishing I had the lead the whole time. I need to learn how to sing better in the audition.
After rehearsal, we went to the Old Town Ale House (ANOTHER BAR?! I know). Chris and I seemed to bond over Jack and Coke's... his preferred drink and my, well, I'm willing to try anything once. Chris is a totally cool guy... and, for some reason, we're getting very good at giving and taking with each other. Perhaps it's all that making out we do. *shrug* And, after two of the aforementioned drink, I probably hit on Kim a little too hard. She bruised. Wait... I've mixed my metaphors, or I just mixed metaphor with literal... and now everyone thinks I punched her. I didn't punch anyone. I just, at one point, may have asked her to marry me. I noticed that's a problem I have... instead of being honest with my feelings when I notice them, I heighten them to extremes so as to try to hide my true feelings. It works pretty good for me normally... but she probably thought I was a freak. Although she was the one that smelled me from stomach to neck at one point. So who's the freak now?
When Kim, Chris and I left the bar as almost the last people there, I decided to walk them as far as the Brown Line Sedgewick stop (not too far from where we were... and not horribly out of my way, either). I remembered that I had asked for Chris' phone number earlier in the night because we were going to go see a show together; but I hadn't gotten his number yet. So I asked for his number, and Kim seemed slightly offended that no one wanted her number. But, what can you do? I know what you can do, you can call her right there to see if that will make her feel better. So I scrolled through my phone and found Kim's number and called her. Even though she was standing in the same room with me and had yet to get on the train, she didn't answer. So, whatever... "maybe it's on silent" I thought. Then, as I was walking home, I got a phone call from Kim... wondering who the hell called her at midnight on a Monday. I said "Well, I have blue eyes... and I'm the funniest person you know...", "Is this John?", "Whoa... wow... you got it on the funniest person bit. I'm flattered"... but she was too busy wondering how I got her number to care that I felt complimented. Then I really had to think: "How did I get her number?" I remembered that we have a Yahoo! Group for the entire cast and writers to post messages and stuff... and we also have a database that includes everyone's phone number and email address. And that's where I got it. I don't know if she bought that as the actual reason, or if she thinks I'm a creepy stalker. Well... she can't think I'm THAT creepy of a stalker because when I said "So, do you wanna go see a movie or something sometime?" She said "Sure. What movie?" I hadn't planned that far ahead, actually... I just really wanted to get to know her better and couldn't think of a good way to go about it. So I had to respond with "I'm not sure. I haven't seen like any movie ever"... which lead the conversation in a different direction and we never did end up talking about going to a movie again.
Tuesday afternoon I talked with Keith on the phone and told him what had happened the night before. He told me that we should go see "Sideways" and that I should call her right then. Well, I know she actually HAS a job, so calling her is probably not the best idea. I decided to email her. When I got the response back she said something like "sounds like a plan... but I don't know when I'll have the free time" etc. I know, from my vast experience that a phrase like that means "oh, you think this is going to be a date... I'm not comfortable with that." Or something to that effect. I kind of deflated at that point (meaning my ego). Yeah... I doubt I'll make her actually go to the movie now.
Tuesday night I met with the cast of Basically Awesome. We were going to split the money we made on the show. (I know! I made money on a show!!!) My take ended up almost being $80... so that's pretty kick ass! Not when you try to figure it out per hour of work... but when you think that I normally don't get paid anything to be in these shows... I'll take $80 every time. After we split up the money, I spent some time with Adam. He bought the movies Saw & Street Fighter. We watched Saw with his roommates Chip and Owen. There are two things that REALLY bother me about this movie (CAUTION: Spoilers! If you haven't seen Saw... stop here) Number one: Cary Elwes' character, at one point, says "Technically he's not a murderer. He finds ways for his victims to kill themselves." Um... technically speaking, he IS a murderer. Let's say I was to exchange someone's parachute with a backpack. What kills that person is the fact that they didn't check to see it was a parachute... and their jumping out of an airplane. But I was still in control of the factors that lead to their death. Or, perhaps if you don't buy that analogy, let's say I push someone off a boat into freezing water. There's a life jacket on the boat but I force them to play a guessing game before I will toss the life jacket to them. Oh... they didn't answer the questions correctly, and they just happen to drown. Cause of death is drowning, right? I had nothing to do with it. Please... with the main story-line, Elwes might have a point... anything that happens to the Doctor or Adam are just a result of kidnapping. But poisoning Zepp, that's murder... attaching a "reverse beartrap" to Amanda's head to pull it apart, that would have been murder... the whole candle, glass on floor, flammable substance thing is clearly murder... So, basically what we have here is a case where the writer thought "what a kick ass line. 'Finds a way for the victims to kill themselves'! That would be an awesome way to sell the movie, if we were to put it in the trailer!!!" And there it was, not fitting in with the rest of the movie. Number two: I can understand what the Doctor did to deserve this... and what Amanda, the drug addict, did... and what the fat dude who tried to commit suicide did... and the flammable guy apparently did some crap too that the movie explained in about two seconds... but what did Zepp or Adam do to deserve this? Especially Zepp... whose only fault seemed to be that he was a social outcast that formed a strong bond with the patients at the hospital? No one talks about what Zepp did wrong... we don't have to, because we think he's the bad guy for a while and we don't know that he's just another victim. But, in retrospect, we must ask "why Zepp?" What did he ever do to deserve this? And Adam being a voyeur means he should die? I might be able to buy that... in that he'll be happy to live his own life instead of focusing on other people living their lives.... but, still, why Zepp? No one can answer that question, can they? Because it makes no sense. Yep... chew on that for a while, kids. I'm out!

The Day Prison Bait Didn't Work... kind of
Last Friday afternoon I went grocery shopping for the first time in a long time. It's what I do: I eat almost everything in this apartment and then, at the last possible moment, when I've run out of everything, then I go shopping. I have a real love/hate relationship with grocery shopping. If I was the only person in the grocery store, so that there was no one there to know that I prefer Cookie Crisp to Cheerioes (not really), or that I love frozen pizza and I hate fruit... then I would love the grocery shopping experience. I think, for the most part, I don't care what other people think of my shopping... but, today, I had to buy hand soap for my bathroom because I'm running out. Now, my mom has become allergic to about 97% of all handsoaps on the market... so I have to buy specific soaps unless I want to hear her bitch to me about there being no soap whenever she comes to my apartment (and, trust me, once was enough). So I've got this mauve-ish/pink handsoap thing that I stuck behind some other stuff in my cart, because this soap container screamed "momma's boy!" I finish my shopping, head out to my car, and the woman who checked me out at the register comes out to my car. The packing girl had forgotten to pack that one item... that one, particular item. So the register woman's waving the soap above her head "Excuse me, sir! Excuse me! You forgot this!"... and I'm like "please God, now is the time to take me," but I was not smote. I was simply handed some soap, thanked the woman, and put it in my trunk.
See, it's poop like the above that makes grocery shopping a crappy experience. But I do love the fact that, for the next week or two, when I say to myself "what's to eat?" I have an answer. And I've even got some "creative" (not really) ideas for a cream of mushroom/chicken/rice/green beans dinner that will simply be fabulous! And I also got some Hersey's Kisses with almonds because I like almonds now... and they're to die for, girl! Heavenly!
Alright, enough of that... Friday night I had a lengthy phone conversation catching up with Ken. As mentioned here before, he just finished ALS... which amounted to the same or similar levels of isolation from him that his being shipped to the Middle East offered. The good part was that I knew he wasn't being shot at... although, maybe I just don't know enough about ALS. Regardless, it had been a couple months, it seemed, since we had caught up and, as such, we had an epic conversation filled with 'Oh, I forgot to tell you...'s and 'did I ever mention?'s. In the 'fantastic news' file, it looks like he's going to come out to Chicago to see the opening of my writing five show "Sweet Pumpkin Pie and Other Niceties." The first show just happens to fall on the weekend of his leave... so he'll probably take 4 or 5 days and fly out here; hang out and shoot stuff; hit on all the women I know; see the show; and fly back. What a great visit that will be! (there's sarcasm in that sentence and I'm not sure why) But, I suppose some even better news to come out of this trip is that it will finally give me motivation to clean this cesspool of an apartment. (that was a little joke for the dearly departed Brandon Bartlett)
Last Saturday afternoon I spent going to the Create Jewelry store owned by one of my Conservatory classmates, Courtney (the one who may or may not have a boyfriend if you're following the comments sections from home). There I met another of my classmates, Jenny, and her sister-in-law Victoria. Now, I must admit, one of the reasons I did this was that I felt sorry for Jenny because she's only been in Chicago for two months and I didn't think she knew anybody here. But, it turns out, her brother and sister-in-law have been living here for at least five years... so I felt like kind of a douche. And I felt like even more of a douche because I showed up like fifteen minutes before Jenny and Victoria got there... and I had to just walk around and look at beads for fifteen minutes. And, even though the store has a cool ambiance... it's a small store. Fifteen minutes is a lot of time to kill when you're in a small space... regardless of the ambiance. But Jenny and Victoria arrived... and I couldn't help getting the feeling, in the back of my head, that Victoria and Courtney were thinking I was just doing this to try to hit on Jenny (or Courtney thinking I'm doing it to hit on her... which I could see her thinking). But, honestly, I wasn't. Jenny reminds me of Courtney McKay in her approach to life, and her constant state of excited bewilderment. It's that same thing that drove me nuts about Court, while making me love her at the same time... and I see it in Jenny. So I probably feel a lot closer to Jenny than I should, after only knowing her for about a month... but I do, in fact, already feel close to her. And so, basically, I just hung out for about an hour and a half/two hours while Jenny and her sister made some pretty kick ass earrings.
Sidenote: I saw a commercial today for USPS.com. It's the postal service's official website and they said that you could use it to get stamps, which intrigued me because the Walgreens where I get my stamps charges almost a full dollar more than the price of the stamps themselves. I've just been using it because I don't know where else to go to get stamps. I suppose I could find a post office... but shut up and stop making extra work for me! Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to order stamps directly so as not to get hosed whenever I need stamps. I went onto the website and looked up the prices and, yes, they sell stamps at face value... but they charge $1 shipping and handling! SHIPPING?! Aren't you the POSTAL SERVICE?!! Are you really going out of your way to get these stamps to me?! So, the bad news is that for 20 stamps, I'm not saving any money by using the actual post office... but for a roll of 100 stamps, the post office still only charges that $1 shipping charge. To me, that's one hell of a bargain. "Hmm... 20 stamps with a $1 charge or 5 times that amount for the same charge?" This isn't a Jeopardy question folks... this one is pretty straight-forward.
Speaking of straight, tonight was the last night of Mockupations! (Wait for it... it'll make sense in a minute) I was expecting to have a few people in the audience, so I was really looking forward to this show. The show was going pretty well, I thought, and I (personally) seemed to be getting a pretty good response from the audience. Then came the part of the show when I went into the audience. I had the great fortune of being able to sit next to Greg, who is one of the writers of the writing five show "Sweet Pumpkin Pie..." that opens in March. It was totally awesome that he was able to make it. He had told me that he was going to try to make it... and he did, obviously, so that's awesome! Also, across the aisle from me was Jenny, who had told me earlier at Create that she was going to try to make it to the show tonight, too. She also knows Katy in the cast, so I've been giving Jenny crap to come see the show for about three weeks now. So it was cool to be right next to people I knew in the audience... I actually felt comfortable in the audience (not that I don't normally... but I always worry that I'm going to be seated next to someone who hates the show or something, and it's going to throw me off). As I'm seated, looking around at the audience around me, I noticed the entire front row seemed to be very young looking, attractive young ladies. Daflos would later say something like "It looked like a prom threw up on our audience." Yeah, there was literally a row of prison bait at the show... and, by the time I went back on stage, I was able to pick out the fact that much of the laughs I was getting was of the young female variety. And in the back of my head, that evil thought floated around "You could probably seduce a few young ladies tonight, if you wanted to." And, to me, that's what being a rock star is all about. But, then again, the kind of person who would have sex with someone that they saw on stage is the kind of person that I would call a "skank"... and I would brand as such (if they were into branding). And I'm not really into skanks... so I ended up being happy that they were laughing, but kind of repulsed by their presence. It's weird how what we tell ourselves in our head can change how we view people... completely devoid of anything that they do. Maybe it's not weird... maybe it's sad. Yeah... it's probably sad that these young girls went to our show and laughed and what I thought was "skanks!" I think I need a punch in the bracket.
After the show, we went to Burton Place (yes, another bar) as a cast. The writers came with us and Katy and I were even able to drag Jenny with us. Jenny got me a hard cider, which I had never had from a bar (remember that time Sellers and I made some on accident? We're awesome). I stood around and talked to Jenny, mostly. She's originally from Florida, but has lived in New York (twice) and Los Angeles. She worked at NBC in New York as one of those people who gives tours... and she met her boyfriend while doing a Shakespeare tour. She was in Twelfth Night and played Viola and her boyfriend played Orsino (I'm sure they found it difficult to act the show... *gag*). And that's the other thing! Her boyfriend lived here before she moved... so not only does she have family here, she's also got a boyfriend here! What the shit?! I thought she was all by herself, trying to do this Second City thing, and I felt very akin to her... but she's just a big liar-pants. She is wearing the liar pants.

A Valentine's Day poem by CrazyJohn
My love for you is like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in spring
My love is... hey, do you hear the phone?
Well, are you going to get it, or just let it fucking ring?

Oh... you know, this is just like you
Interrupting me when I'm... are you going to cry?
Oh honey, I didn't mean it
I was just... nevermind, where was I?

That's it... my love is like a red, red rose
That blossoms when it is warm,
But be careful how you touch my love
Because my love's covered in thorns

For some reason you can only get my love by the dozen
And if you try to buy less you're called cheap
And no matter how well you try to take care of my love,
My love only lasts for a week

And my love is also far too expensive
Because my love has become cliched
This Valentine's Day let's do something different
And not give a second thought to this holiday.
FINIS

Quick Post
I have been writing a lot of epic posts lately, so I'm going to keep this one quick. Apparently, my previous instructor at Second City, the incomparable Miss Jen Bills, was part of a panel for CBS 2 News here in Chicago that did some Valentine's chocolate taste testing. The news article is here, and you can click the "Video: Diann Burns reports" link or the "Click to play videos" button if you want to see the news story, and Jen being thoughtful and funny... and eating a whole bunch of chocolate. Right. Aww... Jen Bills... so cute.
BTW... Happy Valentine's Day, if you're into that sort of thing. And, if you are, I hate your guts... with all my being. Have a nice day!

Blogarama
Hey kids... in an effort to get more traffic on my page, I've joined Blogarama. It's a blog directory that I learned a little about by going to Erik Love's website... and following the link. Basically, your homework is to go to Blogarama (see link graphic to the right) and leave a good review... or, hell, just an honest review. If you think this page sucks, you now have an outlet. Just go to Blogarama and search for "crazy rantings" or "crazy one" or something... find my site on there... and leave me a review. I put my blog under the "for laughs" section. Good idea? *shrug* I hope you're laughing. Well, not right now, but in general. Oh crap... now I feel pressure to be funny. *cracks under pressure*

Two Dreams
I just awoke from two different dreams, actually. In one of them, I was at a get-together with Adam LeClaire and Scott Adar. We were eating pizza... and Adam was unhappy with his pizza, so he decided to make 'smoothies.' I'm almost positive he started with slices of pizza which he put into a blender... then he added a heaping spatula-full of chunky peanut butter and kept blending until it looked smooth and then he added some heavy cream... and, for some reason, when I opened up the blender, I saw chunks of pretzels and Doritos guacamole chips and some popcorn... and I have no idea what that dream was about because my alarm went off right after I said (in the dream) "hey, this actually doesn't look half bad." I said that while looking at chunks of snack food stuck in a peanut butter/pizza/cream base. That is disgusting.
In the earlier dream, I had somehow signed up for a swimming class. When I got there, there were a whole lot of adults just sitting under the water, holding their breath. For some reason, even though I showed up with plenty of time left in the class... I took a supremely long time taking off my jacket and getting ready to go into the water (pretty much fully clothed, too... everyone in the water was almost fully clothed. We might not have been wearing shoes). And, again, for some reason, I had brought King, my stuffed gorilla, with me. When the instructor asked me to get into the pool with everyone else, I brought King with me. *shrug* Then, after about three times doing the 'hold your breath' thing, the instructor and his helpers started setting up volleyball nets for us to play water volleyball. At that point I stopped being awkward, put King with my other stuff (he was magically dry), and went back in to play volleyball. Then something happened and I started dreaming about something else. But, whatever... the early one was weird, huh? I think this dream's an odd little portal into when I used to feel comfortable in water (when I was younger). Something happened to me and I stopped being comfortable in/around water... and I don't remember what that was. So, perhaps, this dream was my mind trying to work through that. Or it was my unconscious reminding me how much I love volleyball. Either way... it was weird because it showed me that, even though I think I'm this great adult doing adult things, I'm still very much a child in various ways. Maybe there are some things I'll never grow out of...

OUTTAKE! It's my sincere hope that Alexander Theodore Carroll becomes very famous some day. Not just because he's my friend and I want him to do well out in L.A., but because I've already cornered the market on his impression. Look, I'm smarmy!
Either that, or this is my impression of Walter Matthau. The likeness is uncanny!
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Hey... you broke my Benjamin!
This past Wednesday was "Ash Wednesday." For all you non-Catholics, Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of a period of time called "Lent." Lent signifies the 40 days and 40 nights that Satan tempted Jesus in the desert by walking next to him saying, "I've got water... don't you want some water? Mmm... water is so good. All you need to do is join me and I'll give you some water. Join me, son, and together we can rule the universe." Maybe someone else said that last bit. Now-a-days, Lent signifies a period of time when millions of Catholics give up chocolate in an attempt to prove something to themselves. Something like "it's possible for me to not eat chocolate for 40 days!" This year, I'm doing something different. I'm not giving anything up. I'm going to try, instead, to go to the gym everyday. Additionally, instead of not eating meat Wednesday (Ash Wednesday is a day of fast and abstinence from meat)... I fasted from sunrise to sunset. It was interesting... and not as hard as you'd think. What made it difficult, though was the fact that I went to bed last night hungry... so I woke up and was already hungry. None-the-less, I was able to do the "fasting" thing pretty easily. I'm thinking of trying to do it every other Friday (instead of the no-meat thing). I mean, I think the origin of not eating meat on Fridays was actually to make sure the fish was sold in the local markets before the markets were closed for the weekend. *huge sigh* This is my 'largest' departure from Catholisism yet. But if someone doesn't take a serious look at why "we" do what we do... I'll keep drifting further and further into the nothingness that is... well... everyone else, I guess.

Wednesday, I did what everyone who's facing 40 days without... well, nothing... I went to Best Buy to spend money! I got a REALLY late birthday card from my aunt and uncle, and I was looking to spend the sweet, free, birthday money. I decided to finally buy myself Napoleon Dynamite... as I saw it once and figured it was a movie I'd like to see a few more million times. And I also had Breaking Benjamin's album "We Are Not Alone." I wanted to buy it because, when I was playing this game... I created a ring entrance that was pretty sweet. I fell in love with this song... and it has an ironically named title, if you're following at home. My ring entrance was SWEET... it opened with two lines of fire moving up the ramp to the entrance... and then my character came in, stood still, and sparks came up and hit him from both sides as he bowed his head. It was AWESOME. And the song went so sweet with the entrance... it was awesome. If only the game itself was as much fun as creating that introduction. But, alas, it was not.
So I had $30 worth of fun in my hands (gross!!!!) and I was just looking around when I spotted Eddie Izzard's Glorious, Definite Article, and Unrepeatable all on DVD. I've got Glorious' VHS tape... but the other two I don't have but on CD (thanks Bohne). And I knew, when I saw them, that I was going to buy them. It was just like that... So $30 that I DID have turned into a billion dollars that I don't. That's America, I guess.

Hey, everyone! Congratulations are in order. For the past... like two months, Senior Airman Kenneth John Huhtala has been attending ALS, which is an Airman Leadership... um... School? Anyway, he's been taking these classes so that he can sew on his Staff Sergeant stripes... and Thursday he finished ALS! That means that the only step left for him is to actually get the "go ahead" to sew on his stripes (I hope I'm using the correct terminology and not just sounding like a douche). And then he'll FINALLY be a Staff Sergeant. So I can call him Serge and the slew of nicknames I came up with back when I decided that I wanted him to be a Sergeant. Anyway, Congratulations Ken!

Thursday night I had my Conservatory class. One of the funniest things that happened was the Gellman asked Thomas (a hilarious guy from Canada) to explore and heighten his feelings of anger in one scene. So he, Thomas, spent 60 seconds simply exploring and heightening... and it was very funny! The rest of class was normal and nothing to write home (or here) about.

Late Thursday night (read: very early Friday morning), I finally finished KOTOR II. I told Ken that I like the story in the first one better... but the gameplay to KOTOR II is better. I mean that I'm much more likely to repeat my 80 (EIGHTY!!!) hours to beat the second game than the 60-some (SIXTY... SOME) hours I spent on the first one. What's another solid day of doing nothing but playing that game between friends? (huh?) Besides, in the first one, my character was weak... even at the end. I was too worried that he was going to get totally killed by Malak (which he was repeatedly)... and in the second one my guy was easily and expertly hacking through rooms full of Sith at the end. I was like "Oh! I'm so awesome!" in pretty much every room. To me, that's fun. Anyway... now that I'm finally done with that game, I feel like I have more free time (isn't that weird?)... so I'm interested to see what I do with it. Ken mentioned possibly coming to Chicago for a few days... and it'll take me weeks to effectively clean my apartment (I'm not really kidding), so I've got that to look forward to. And Ken keeps talking about challenging me to a game of Madden 2005... so I might practice up to make sure I slaughter him. Heehee... I mean, to make sure it's as humiliating an experience as possible. Right.

A Super Party
I spent last Saturday, mostly, memorizing lines. I had a show at night, but I didn't go out afterwards because I was too worried about getting everything memorized for Monday. This past Sunday, however, I spent running all over the place and getting errands done. I went up to Borders to check to see if they had a few things... and I bought a graduation gift that I think a certain someone will absolutely love (I have such good ideas!).
After that, I went south to Adam's apartment and we watched Cloak and Dagger an 80s movie... which is absolutely hilarious in retrospect. Dabney Coleman plays the kid from E.T.'s dad AND an imaginary hero who keeps telling Henry Thomas (the kid from ET) to shoot people, run through traffic, and use his body to draw enemy fire. Adam told me before the movie started that there was NO WAY this movie would ever be made now, and I didn't believe him until we really got into the film... but he was absolutely right. It kind of reminds me of this cover. Awesomely out of context! Or awesomely... not... publishable now. I don't know what I'm saying.
I then had to go get my props from Mankind and Other Oxymorons from the writer who was in charge of props. His apartment is smaller than mine... he's got a refridgerator in a closet (no joke) and I think his bathroom is somehow bigger than the rest of his place. It was really weird... and reaffirms my belief that I need to get out of this area if I want an apartment with actual space. I still plan on looking for a new place over the summer.
Anyway, after picking up the props I headed further north to the Othics' for a Super Bowl party! When I got there, only Adam Moroze had shown up so far. That's okay, because I really missed him. It was very weird... but we only spent a few months together, but we got very close. I asked him all sorts of questions about Judaism... and about his travels... he's been all over the world! And he sat and would eagerly answer all my questions. He seemed happy that I was so interested, and I was happy that he was so eager to explain things to me. So we got very close... but we hadn't seen each other since the Assistant Director's Cut ended. Oh... did I forget to mention that this was an Assistant Director's Cut Super Bowl party? I did forget... but that's it was. Adam and I caught up on football for a while... he's from Boston, so he was a big Patriots fan. I told him that I could root for the Patriots as long as I could root for Brady to die. He seemed to think that was acceptable.
Some random thoughts on the game: 1) Thought the Patriots were going to win by more than they did. They SHOULD have with all the Eagle turnovers. 2) T.O. played well. I have to give him that. He played really well for someone with one leg. 3) Deion Branch played even better... but, to be fair, he did have two legs. 4) If Mike Vrabel comes in on the goal-line, COVER HIM! He's going to get the ball... even though he's a linebacker. Geez! 5) The Patriots run might stop here, as Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weiss are leaving... we'll see if Belichick deserves all those Lombardi comparisons he's been getting next year. Frankly, I don't think the comparison is fair... and that's not just the rabid (I'm foaming!) Packer fan in me speaking. There is positively no way Lombardi would have been able to handle today's players, and today's salary cap and free agency. On the other hand, Belichick has so many co-ordinators on his staff that today's coach is more of a manager than a coach... and I don't know if Belichick could have done as well as a teacher and coach as Lombardi did. They're different coaches for a different time... can't we just, please, leave it at that?
I had a great time at the party. Chris insisted, as I left, on giving me personally some left-overs. He says it's because he remembers what it was like to be a bachelor living alone, but I think it has more to do with the fact that he sees me as a younger him. Regardless, I walked away with even more food... and I haven't, honestly, felt as full as I did when I left that party unless it's Thanksgiving. I ate SO MUCH damn food. It was good. But it was still damned to my stomach. That makes no sense.

The Eagle Scouts
Last Friday afternoon started when I ran into Josh from Coldstone just walking down the street. He became manager at North Avenue after Stephan left (which was after I left), and has since stopped working to pursue/finish school (notice how that seems to be a trend. What a terrible work environment it must have been to turn at least three people away from work COMPLETELY). He invited me over to his apartment whenever... Stephan (Josh's roommate and former manager of the North Avenue Coldstone) is back from his hiatus to Florida for his record deal. He didn't like the way they produced his song, so he's back in Chicago producing it himself. I guess that's both a good and a bad thing... I'm pretty surprised and happy that Stephan had the balls to say "I don't like what you're doing, I'm outta here," but I wish it just would have worked out for him without any hassles.

I ran into Josh because I was on my way to Second City. They were auditioning for the Conservatory again, and Keith was giving it another shot. I think it's idiotic for the Second City to expect people to get better at improv after taking MONTHS off... I mean, Keith and I last auditioned in November before Thanksgiving... and now here we are in February and his audition is going to be better? It was bad enough that we had to wait in between our level E class and the first audition. What can you do, I guess? So he auditioned and said it was the same exact format that we had the last time we auditioned (which is starting to make more sense to me. If you have the same audition over and over again, I'm sure you get pretty good at figuring out who's good and who's not within the first five or six minutes... you know what to look for). After talking for a bit with Keith about the audition and Sara about... um... chocolate?, and ALSO trying to avoid one of our former classmates, Alan, from seeing us... we left and headed up North. Keith was supposed to pick up some wine for his boss from a former coworker who now owns/operates a wine store. Since we were headed straight North, we hoped on the Brown line and then connected with the Red. There's something funny about the red line, but first, a little about it: it's both a Subway and an El, it's the only train that goes straight north and south and-pretty much-traverses the entire city, and it runs 24 hours a day. And, because it is such a long ride from its furthest point South to its furthest point North (and because it runs 24 hours), you get some real interesting characters who ride the Red line to: catch up on sleep; get out of the cold; beg for money; use it like a hotel; and so on. So, when we boarded the red line, I was introduced to something brand new on the red line: urine. It smelled like someone had, well, just recently urinated on that particular car. I looked at the front of the car and there was an older white dude with a full, scraggly beard, and untamed, bushy hair... tattered green sweatpants, a dirty plaid overcoat... sitting by himself. That was him... a homeless man just urinated on the train. I felt bad for him... but then I realized that I was having trouble breathing because of how strong it smelled... so I stopped feeling bad for him and worried about not vomiting (not really). Then I noticed how Sara was reacting... aww... poor Sara... she was having such a hard time from becoming sick (yes, actually). We got out at least one stop too early because we couldn't take it anymore. But, before we left, a blind black man came through the car... with a cup (yep, a cup) and a cane. He wasn't even really asking for money... he was mumbling something about how hard it is to be blind and how scary it would be if you were blind and how he wanted God to bless us all... again, not really talking to anyone. But the homeless man at the front stopped him. "You blind?" he asked. "Yessir, I am blind" the blind man replied. And I tried to pay attention as best I could without it looking like I was trying to pay attention. They talked for a bit... and the blind man eventually opened the door and walked into the next car. As they were talking to each other I kept thinking, 'a blind man and a homeless urinating man talking, connecting on an El train--this is drama... this weird event is probably the most interesting/weirdest thing that'll happen to me in months.' And I felt bad for thinking that... but it's true. From what I hear, part of being an actor is being true to real life drama... even if it seems outrageous.
When we got off the train, we had to walk quite a ways to get to the wine store. The name of the store is In Fine Spirits, and it's a beautiful store. The put all these shelving units in themselves, and the floor is wood... and it was just a very beautiful store. The owner, Shane, was an old coworker (which I mentioned) and friend of Keith. It was cool to see Keith interacting with an old friend of his. You forget, sometimes, when you become friends with someone, that they had friends before you. Or maybe that's just shallow, ego-centric me. And what good would a trip to a wine store be without some wine tasting?! Shane opened a bottle just for us to try. It was an Australian red... I think it was a Shiraz, but I'm also an idiot, so I don't know. It was actually pretty good, I was surprised. I don't really like wine. Matter of fact, I think there's something about wine drinking that has always struck me as one of the most pompous activities that one could do on the entire planet. But Shane, and his wife Jill, changed my mind. They try to keep the wine as less of an event, and more as something that they enjoy that they hope others will, too. Over half (I think it's 60%) of their inventory is less than $20... and Shane said that's because they want people to get a bottle of wine every weekend, and just be able to relax over the weekend with a nice bottle of wine. It was a really good experience. And I even felt comfortable enough to start asking questions (my curious nature got the best of me). I asked about what one looks for when wine tasting... I knew about aeration, but I wondered what the differences were. He then talked about a wine's viscosity... and said that's kind of a gross analogy because most people think "oil" when they hear viscosity... so I said "Oh, you mean it's viscousness?" To which he chuckled and thought that sounded better (not really). And then I said "Shane, I want to thank you. I've been trying to drop viscousness into casual conversation for months." And that even got his wife, all the way across the store, to laugh out loud. (BTW, I didn't know viscousness was an actual word when I said it... to me, that's the joy of the English language) But he talked about a full-bodied wine and what that meant... and then he said that wines have certain fruity or herbal tastes to them... and he talked about the dry-mouth feeling that you get with a lot of red wines... which is why he liked this particular red wine. I agree that I didn't get the dry-mouth feeling... but, as he was talking, I noticed it was because my tongue felt coated... the wine kind of tasted a little waxy going down. It was an interesting experience. And I'd really like to be able to taste some wine with someone who knows what he's doing, like Shane. But we had to leave pretty quickly after we got there because I needed to be back to The Second City for Mankind and Other Oxymorons.

Friday night was closing night of my writing five show. Before the run of the show started, I told the other writers that we needed to buy the actors and MT (the director) gifts. That it was a common courtesy. That we shouldn't wait until the last minute. So guess what we did? Yep. *shakes head* I don't even know why I try sometimes. We had decided to get them all a bottle of wine (one is mentioned in the show), a lottery ticket (also mentioned in the show), and a nice thank you card that we'd all sign. I had already purchased the cards on Wednesday (one of the errands to keep my mind off my audition). I just needed all the writers there early to sign the cards. Turns out, we got the wine and lottery tickets no problem... but getting the writers to sit down long enough to sign those damn cards was like pulling teeth. I ended up signing most of mine DURING the actual show. I then watched the show (which was good... but they were all trying TOO hard: adding little "funny" things and going overboard trying to pander to the audience)... and went backstage to get the other writers to sign stuff too. We ended up forcing the actors to wait in the teacher's lounge while 'we' (read: everyone but me) finished signing the cards. Then we headed to the lounge and there was MT and the rest of the actors... singing "pomp and circumstance." It's weird, I hadn't even thought about the fact that I was graduating from the writing program. So we got little certificates, and gave the actors and MT their gifts... it was just like Canadian Boxing Day!

After the lengthy gift exchange, we headed to the North Park Tap for some drinking bondage... that didn't come out right. You know what I mean. It was great because we had ALL the writers and all the actors come out for the first time ever... so we all got a chance to hang out with everyone. The bar was super-crowded, and as I made my way over to Sean to see what he was doing, he went to get another drink. Typical of me at "parties"... "What's this person doing? Oh, they're leaving... okay. I'll just stand here awkwardly." When he came back to get back into his seat, it was so crowded that he really had to squeeze past me... and he tripped on something. Then he said: "God damnit Steeno! Lose some fucking weight!" I don't know what it was about the way he said it, or the context in which it was said (at a busy public place), but his words stabbed me deep. They didn't cut me, it was a full-out stab. I thought maybe he was upset because his ex-girlfriend, Jill (also in the cast), was there with her new boyfriend, Brian; and I thought maybe he was taking it out on me. So I asked him a couple times if he wanted to "talk about it". And only after about the third time of me asking, did he say he was just "kidding". Let me tell you... I've seen this boy act on stage before, and he was not kidding. That is not how well he acts (that was harsh, I know, but there are some people who, when they're on stage... they project "I'm on stage! Look at me!"; and then there are some people [like myself] when they're on stage could be anywhere doing anything. Sean is in group A). What he said was real, and there was real anger underneath it... and it hurt so damn much. After about a minute of standing there and feeling fat, awkward, and hurt, I moved away from Sean and started talking to Jill and the new boyfriend, Brian. While we were talking, a Justin Timberlake song came on at the bar... and I couldn't help myself from singing along. Turns out, Brian knew the words too. I then said "I've always secretly wanted to start a boy band" and it was like I had told Brian it was going to be Christmas every day for the rest of his life! We started talking about it and we decided to call ourselves the Eagle Scouts... and he would be Billy, the 'sensitive' dancer... and I forget my name, but I was the strong, but fun guy. And one of his friends showed up, Pat, and he was going to be in the group too... and we just had an awesome time singing along and dancing (yes, I was dancing) as, for some reason, they played about four Justin Timberlake songs in a row.
But then Brian, Jill, and Pat had to leave to meet some other people at a different bar. There were very few of us left at this point... but Jim, another writer, wanted me to come get nachos with he and some of his friends. I had forgotten how hungry I was, and nachos sounded really good... so we hopped in a cab and went nacho eating! We went to this bar that they all knew (and I had never been there) and got these greasy, delicious nachos. It was fun to hang out and just shoot the poop for a while. Jim's a really funny guy, so that's always cool--to not have to be the "entertainment" and to be able to just sit back and interject whenever I feel it appropriate. But, on our way back to our respective apartments (Jim lives near me), they wanted to go into another bar! I believe the kids call this bar hopping. And, while I can understand now that different bars have different atmospheres... I was completely content with the evening, and wasn't looking to get more beer or more food or more smoke-smelling... I just wanted to go home. But, like most things, if you are assertive enough, I'll crumble and do whatever you want. I just don't care enough to make a fuss about it. So I stood in this bar, being one of a hand-full of the only white people there... and just waited for them to be "finished" with whatever it was they were doing. I didn't feel uncomfortable so much being the minority race... I felt uncomfortable because this was the third bar I had been to and I wanted to go home, and I didn't know when it was going to stop. Turns out, the third bar's the charm... and we finally parted ways. I think I would have told them "no" if they had wanted to go to another one... but I'm not sure. I hope I have the balls to tell them no. I guess we'll never know if I have testicles. Wait...

Caveman Defense
I was very stressed out about today for a while. I had an audition for Rob Becker's Defending the Caveman in the afternoon AND I had to have my writing five show, Sweet Pumpkin Pie and other Niceties, memorized for tonight. Effectively forcing me to memorize an entire show and an audition piece all in less than a week. I don't know how many of you have tried memorizing stuff before... but it was difficult to juggle memorization with everything else I was trying to do since last Monday.
Needless to say, I woke up quite early this morning and started with some of the more troublesome scenes of the writing five show. After going through the entire show twice, I then worked on my audition piece about twenty times before, after, and during such stupid errands as eating, showering, bill paying, and checkbook balancing. I was so nervous, I left my apartment over an hour before my audition to go up to Belmont (not too far on the El... certainly not an hour and fifteen minutes away). So, because I left insanely early, I got up to the Lakeshore Theatre for my audition about forty-five minutes early. When I got there, I saw two people I "know": Garrett, who's a nice guy who works in the Second City Office; and Marc, who's done his own one-man show at Donny's Skybox and who has been on the Second City Detroit stage and directed... um... something. I don't know Marc personally, but when I saw he was there... I knew I had no chance. Actually, I figured I had no chance before I even got there. But, seeing the competition (mostly men in their mid to late 30s who have about a billion times more experience than I do... who all look a lot more likely to be able to successfully defend cavemen than I am) just reaffirmed in my mind that I wasn't going to get the part. And then I thought to myself: "Look at yourself... you came from Big Rapids, MI... you have no acting training what-so-ever: completely self-taught... and you're auditioning for a ONE MAN show in Chicago. Fuckin' enjoy how far you've come... smell the GD roses!"... and I did. My anxiety washed over me... and I felt so very tranquil. And then there I was, sitting on the floor of the lobby of the Lakeshore Theatre (from right about where that panorama was taken), watching nervous, NERVOUS grown men mouthing the words to the very same audition piece I was about to go perform. And I never felt better. Gellman calls it the "fuck it" adjustment (a phrase he says he stole from Del Close). It's when you walk into an audition you don't care about, and you nail the shit out of it... because you're not nervous, because you don't care. Fuck it. Anyway... I started shooting the poo with two of the other guys there to audition, and I couldn't help but thinking "do they think I'm too young for this? I bet. Are they as sincere about wanting everyone to do well as I am? I doubt it." But it didn't matter because... fuck it. Then it was time for me to go in. Diana Grove handles all the casting of the various "caveman defenders" and she was the one who opened the door and called my name. I shook her hand and she directed me to a waiver form. They were going to film the audition, and was I cool with it? Sure! Why not?! (so if I ever get famous, that tape will, no doubt, be sold on EBay for 15-25 dollars!) I signed the form, hit the stage... and noticed three people in the audience: Diana; her husband Todd, who does PR for the show; and someone... I don't know who he was. I then proceeded to do my piece. And, for two minutes, I owned that stage. At least I felt like I owned it... my piece wasn't perfect, but I would give myself a 9 out of a possible 10 for what I wanted to do (the guy before me gave himself an "8 out of 10 of what I wanted to do out there"... what a dip!). I didn't get Diana to laugh like her email asked ("make me laugh" she said. Yeah, right... you've heard this monologue at least two dozen times today and I'M going to make it funny NOW? Not likely). But I did get the third guy who I don't know to laugh. A couple of times. That made me feel pretty good, actually. And, whatever! There's no way, out of all the talent that she saw today, that I could possibly have gotten that part. So I don't care... I actually did my best; and I've now had one good audition and one bad one. And I know the difference. I'll probably do one more audition (a touring Romeo and Juliet... paid!) and then just forget about auditioning for a while, and just focus on getting myself a stupid job to pay some bills... and on writing, which is something I haven't done in a while.
From that audition, I headed back to Second City (stopping at the Subway on Wells) to run lines for rehearsal tonight. I got up to the Second City around 5 PM for a 7 PM rehearsal, so I had plenty of time to eat, run lines, and run the lines again. Surprisingly, one of the other actors, Kim, showed up at about 5:45 PM. Kim is the girl I like, remember her? There is a similar "fuck it" adjustment made with her as well: She's blonde, attractive, fun, funny, has a great laugh, and went to Yale. Yeah... attractive and either smarter than me, richer than me, or both. She's way out of my league. I'm not even sure we're even playing the same sport... that's how far out of my league this young lady is... but, since I don't care how far out of my league she is, I'm able to talk to her pretty easily. She's actually younger than I am... by almost a full year. Interesting. Then Chris showed up a little after 6 PM... remember him? He's the dude from Notre Dame who I make out with in like three scenes. We're close. And then we ran a whole bunch of scenes together. I was actually pretty good off book, to be honest.
Then rehearsal came. We started off learning the song. It is HILARIOUS! It is seriously an awesome song, and I wish I had a bigger part in it. I'm one of the dead people... Dead Person #2, to be exact. It doesn't really matter that I don't have a bigger part, it's a hilarious song... I lied, I really wish I had the lead. Story of my life, I guess. Regardless, the first half of rehearsal was learning the song... and then we came back and ran the entire show off book. We all did really REALLY well. And I loved messing Kim up by looking at her intently. I'm such an ass. Even Brian, who seemed really worried about it before rehearsal, did really well. And so, all I have to do the rest of the week is misc errands and brush up my lines. What a relief being done with today is! Hope you had as good a Monday as I did.

"My love is vengeance... that's never free"
Wednesday, I went up to the Hair Cuttery to get my haircut. My stylist's name was Hector... and he was fabulous. I've got a very specific way I want it cut now-a-days... but I always ask whoever's doing it how it looks, and what they think. I mean, they look at other people's hair all day, they have to have SOME opinion on what looks good and what doesn't. The bad news is that the cut cost me probably about $4 more than Supercuts (cuz I had coupons!)... but can you put a price on good hair? (Hint: Yes. Very easily)
I then did a whole bunch of miscellaneous errands... hoping that it would keep my mind off the nervous feeling I had for at least a week about my audition. And I WAS able to keep my mind occupied, but the time for the audition came soon enough. One of the errands I ran Wednesday morning was to find the Bailiwick Theatre (because I had never been up there before); so I already knew exactly where I was going when the time came for the audition. When I got up to the Bailiwick, I was met in the lobby by the two other people who were auditioning during my time slot: Colleen and Julie. Colleen just finished school at Northern Illinois in theatre ("that's a MAC school" I said, "What?" she responded, "MAC... the Midwestern? um...", "Oh, is that a sports thing?", "Ah... yeah.", "Oh, okay"); and Julie was a 40-something stand-up comedian who does some scripted work on the side. Her audition piece was actually some stand-up... not great, but she was a really really nice person, so I laughed anyway. Then she sang something and sat down. Then I went. And I did my monologue from The Actor's Nightmare... and I had the undivided attention of both the other actors auditioning, and the two people who were auditioning us didn't seem to be paying attention. I couldn't get eye contact. So I was a little thrown off by that, but I kept doing it... and I lost interest in what I was doing about half-way through. Thoughts like "you shouldn't have done this one" and "why aren't they paying attention" started to flood my head... and I actually finished the monologue a paragraph early because I was done with it. Jimmy Binns, the writer, then asked me to do the monologue again, but as Al Pacino. "Al Pacino?" I asked; "Yeah, you know how he fills up the space?" he said. And I thought to myself, "No... I really I no idea what you're talking about." So then I started frantically trying to remember Al Pacino movies I've seen... Heat? that sucked... Godfather? that character is NOTHING like George Spelvin... and that's all I had time for because I had to go. So I started it again... pretty much doing the same exact thing. And Binns stopped me about five words into it and said "No no no... he is DYING out there. Play it like he's going to die." That made more sense... but it just seemed like he wanted me to play it "bigger" than I thought it should be played. We're not talking about a classically trained actor here, George Spelvin is an accountant... he's going to act like a normal person, not some ACTOR who's ACTING... look at me, I'm acting! No... he's just a normal dude... which is why I wanted to do this monologue. I play normal dude very well, I think. But I finished my monologue and Binns had me sit down. He didn't even have me sing. Then Colleen went, did her monologue, sang, and sat down. Only at that time did Binns remember I was supposed to sing, too. And, after I finished singing, we were supposed to do some improv... but we didn't. I think that's probably a really bad sign. He knew he didn't like any of us, so he didn't need to see any more.
The good news is that I went to Chipotle after the audition. Chipotle is easily my favorite "fast food" restaurant... so I went out to treat myself with a million dollar burrito (not really a million dollars, but close).

Thursday morning, Miss Heatherman Jackson pointed me to a news story here. Looks like an actor got shot in New York, and they blame her for it happening. Things like "she had stage combat training" and "confronted the mugger" are used in the article to get the writer's narrow-minded viewpoint across. Honestly, living in fear is no way to live. I am NOT going to let my fear of something like that happening control me... and I'm not going to let someone with a gun scare me into doing whatever they want. I think where she went to far is that she, apparently, shoved the person with the gun. That's the no-no, to me. Not confronting the robber. In the article, an "expert" says that confronting the mugger is the worst thing you could possibly do. And I totally disagree. I think living in fear is the worst thing you can do... and, if the mugger decides it's worth taking my life to get $4 and a couple credit cards, then so be it. I would rather not live than have to fear going outside. But I guess that's just me.

Later that night I had my Conservatory class. I was not looking forward to class, as my professional esteem has been hitting all time lows thanks to the blunt deflation that is Gellman's teaching style. I really didn't want to go... but hearing from Colleen at the audition (who is also in the Conservatory's level 1 [Tuesdays]) really helped me. She also hates her class, but she has a completely different instructor. For some reason, hearing that she hated her class too gave me hope. So I was willing to give this class another try. And it was different. First of all, Gellman started off class by saying that this class is the most difficult one that he ever teaches. Not because it's difficult per se, but because he himself finds it difficult. He opened up to us... he even told us a story about how he had a terrible time at the dentist. It was interesting... and nice... and what felt like the first step. We then went over the three rules of dialogue: Make statements; talk about the present; and "yes, and..." everything. In addition, he gave us a couple new rules about not telling other people what to do; not dictating what you're doing; and focusing on the relationship at all times. We then did a few 60 second scenes with some strict side-coaching... an intense exercise which I don't think any of us could have handled for more than the 60 seconds. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't "bad"... it was just very intense.
After class, one of our classmates, Matt, was going to be in a show up at Improv Olympic... and, surprisingly, our class just instinctively said to ourselves "why wouldn't we go?" So a group of about a dozen of us went up to IO to see his show. On the way up there, I ran into Brian on the El. Brian, the former manager of Coldstone Brian... I hadn't seen him since right after I got fired... and it was great to see him again. He and his boyfriend apparently became life partners (I'm trying very hard to figure out how to say this right... Brian just held up his hand and showed me his ring and I knew what happened... but I can't do that. I could have told you that that's what he did... and I did that. What the hell just happened to this narrative?). Anyway, he was very civily unioned... and it was great to hear that he's doing so well (although not working anymore... odd how Coldstone does that to you).
Then we got to IO just in time... Matt's show was good but not great. And he may have broken a few of the improv rules we just went over in class... but the whole class had fun being together. Quiet a breakthrough for this class of people stuck together for a year and a half.
Which reminds me, I've been putting off emailing Norm Holly, the head of the Conservatory program, for at least a week. I need to email him because the Conservatory Level 2 audition that I have to do to continue with the program is May 14th, the first Saturday of my trip to England. My worry is that I'm going to have to wait to get into Level 2, effectively having my entire class move on without me. This wouldn't be good... as we just are getting to know each other have having some chemistry as a class. I've got no chance... stupid trip!

I figured something out tonight. As I was walking back from the Red Line, I found myself thinking "Oh man, what a great class tonight. I can't wait to go back to Albion and teach them how to do it." And then I had to stop myself. I'm not going back to Albion to teach improv... I don't know if that would even be a possibility. Regardless, I realized that I want two things out of my life: I want to educate and I want to entertain. That's been staring me in the face for years... and I've sort of known it for a while... but it actually finally hit me tonight. So, there you go kids. From now on, whenever you ask me what I'm doing with myself, I'm going to say that I'm trying to attain one of my two goals--education or entertainment.

I promised some "out-take" pictures from my "photo shoot." I would post them all at once, but when I tried, my blog decided to go crazy on me. I suppose my page can only take up so much memory. So, you'll have to deal with two for now until some of my other pictures clear. Here's the first one. My teeth were glued together for this picture. That look on my face is pain.
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Did someone mention a tenderly molested serial killer? Here he is. Not headshot... mugshot.
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And the winner is...
Picture number two, obviously, by a landslide. Could you have perhaps been nicer about not liking the first one, though? "The first one looks like you're sitting with a spiky rod shoved up your ass, and like you really need to scratch the herpes on your face, and it looks like someone just told you your dog died and you're happy because you didn't know you had a dog, but you're sad because he's dead." Come on, people! Geez!
Well, by now you've seen what I did to the picture to get it to look pretty. I think I did a pretty good job... but I honestly hope it isn't lost on the places I'm auditioning (I know it will be. I auditioned around 50 for my writing five show, and only a few of the pictures really stuck with me).

Waiting for me in the mail today was the first televised season of SCTV! My dad thought I'd like it and it might come in handy. I've already written an outline based on one of the scenes... but I find much of it antiquated (1981), as part of the 'charm' of Second City is to keep up with current events and trends. Oh well... Joe Janes would probably just tell me that it becomes a huge opportunity for me to update some of the scenes. And I plan on it. Hooray!

I don't like squeeze bottles when they contain something that one has to spread like jelly, mayo, or certain kinds of "fancy" mustard. Give me a bottle, thank you (see what happens when I don't have a list of best and worst things I have to type about everyday?).

Tonight I got stuck watching Secret Window... which is a movie that I wanted to see when it came out, but I didn't because I'm fully opposed to going to out to see movies while I'm single. That doesn't make much sense, I know... but it's the truth. I'm not going to sit in the theatre by myself... that just doesn't appeal to me. Going to see movies is an event... much like going to a theatre show or to a sporting event. Yeah, you could go by yourself... but it's always better with someone else (even if it's worse. [what?] I mean it's better in that it's more of an event than going by yourself, even if it doesn't "go" better [oh... okay]). Back to the movie! Okay! So I was watching Secret Window... and I "figured it out" about ten minutes into the movie, so the whole movie became me waiting for Johnny Depp to figure it out, too. I like Johnny Depp, even in this movie, I just hated the movie. It was so boring... I wasn't tense at all... because I knew exactly what was going to happen. And I find it ironic that Depp talks about the "perfect ending" at the end of the movie... but this movie's ending is anything but. I did like it, though, because I actually found myself rooting FOR Depp. That's the one thing that I will give this movie. I could root for the "bad guy"... and the "good guys"? Fuck 'em... they were boring. (sorry, I just sounded like Gellman there.) The movie pretty much sucked, though.

The polls are in... and here's what I came up with. I think it looks pretty damn good for something I basically had to put together myself. So this is the front side of a glossy paper... with the resume (below) on the back. No one who I give the headshot to is going to appreciate the work I put into this... so you had damn well better!
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Check out how awesome I look on paper (this is the edited version... don't want people to know TOO much about me. I would lose my mystique). My resume is printed on the reverse side of the headshot... and I think it looks pretty awesome together. At one point I had a "Directing" credit for The Vagina Monologues... but I figured that directors probably don't want some "hot shot" kid who thinks he can direct.
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