It's Time To Go Dancing... With The Stars

With the next season coming up of Dancing with the Stars, excitement is in the air. That air, unfortunately, is not the air that I breathe... but there's excitement. Why comment on it then? Call it professional courtesy. Or say that I want to mock the 'stars'... it doesn't matter. The point is that I'm going to climb this mountain, because it's there.

In the past two 'seasons,' a former NFL great (Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith respectively) have had great showings... with Smith even winning the competition (over Saved By The Bell great, complete Latin hotty/hunk and a personal, Irishman, Hall of Fame actor Mario Lopez. Mmm... Albert Clifford). But this season, there is no NFL great. As a matter of fact, the closest I have to a sports hero I recognize is former Phi-Slamma-Jammer Clyde "the Glide" Drexler. I don't actually think that I can root for Drexler to win... I never really liked Portland or Houston and never rooted for him while he was playing. So he's out.

Who does that leave, I'm sure you're all wondering ('all' meaning the three people who still frequent this site after the months of inactivity)? In the world of sports (the only world that matters), all they have left is Apollo Anton Ohno, the oddly attractive speed skater, whose thighs are large enough to feed entire starving nations. I'm not sure speed-skating is actually a sport (in the same sect of pseudo-sports with NASCAR, all things equestrian, and--frankly--track. Haven't we evolved past "who's faster?" Didn't we ask that question in grade school? I'm a sports snob... sue me.), so he's out. Also representing sports is Laila Ali, the ass-kicking boxing daughter of Muhammad Ali. However, I don't know that I can, in good conscience, root for a woman who could kill me. She's out.

Now who does that leave? Actually, not much. There is a rogue gallery of people who will make you say "Using the word 'Stars' is stretching it," such as: Billy Ray Cyrus, of one-hit-Achy-Breaky fame; 'Hey that 90210 guy' Ian Ziering; 'The goatee one... but not they gay one' from N'Sync, Joey Fatone; 'You've got to be kidding me with' Leeza Gibbons; 'Isn't that, like, the same person twice?' with Supermodel Paulina Porizkova and former Miss USA Shandi Finnessey; and, finally, 'Wasn't she married to that punk-ass-bitch Paul McCartney? Yeah... right, she's the one with only one leg' Heather Mills. How can I root for any of these 'Stars'?

After mocking almost everyone in the competition what are we left with? Cliff Clavin the disgruntled Postal worker, and the voice of many of Pixar's hilarious supporting-characters: the incomparable John Ratzenberger. He, in all honesty, probably doesn't stand a chance against the more athletic people in the competition. But I can still show my passive support for him the same way I do all other elections in this country: by sitting idly by and hoping that other people vote for him. Go get 'em, John!