Perpetual First Day of School

In a way, we can learn a lot about ourselves by remembering our first day of school. This day is important because whatever our feelings are on that day, they keep coming up throughout our lives: first day of college, moving to a new city, first day at a new job, etc. And how we handle that day may very well dictate how we deal with all these other days.

Case in point, I've been cast in a show going up at the Chicago Theatre Building at the end of April. This week (Monday) was the first day of the rehearsal process. Granted, on the way to that rehearsal I had other things on my mind (Where am I going? How am I going to get there in time? Why won't this bus go f--king faster??!) plus I had to practically jog, haphazardly, on snow and ice for two city blocks to make it there on time (I was there at 6:58 for a 7 o'clock start time).

So that day doesn't really illustrate my point very well. However, I knew the first night was going to be filled with contracts and a read-through of the script. If there's one thing I've ALWAYS been good at, it's reading a script out loud. As such, I wasn't really worried the first night. It was the second night, Tuesday, that I started having all my thoughts and fears and reservations about my performance and me personally. And it didn't take long before I realized that they're basically the same questions I had when I was younger:
What if the other kids don't like me?
What if it's too hard? And I'm not smart enough?
Can I still get out of it? How?
What if I don't belong?
What if everyone knows everyone else and I'm the only one who doesn't know anybody? (Which was quasi-true because the two people I knew weren't there Tuesday... and everyone else is an ensemble member)

But, fortunately for me, most of those questions are answered the way you would hope. The group is steadily coming together (important since we're all supposed to be good friends in the show), and I'm slowly proving to myself and others that I not only belong, but can far exceed even my own expectations (maybe).

I just found it so odd to be 26 and asking myself "What if the other kids don't like me?" as if I was 5 or 6 again. I didn't ask it exactly like that, but the main question I asked myself basically breaks down into that--as it's simplest form. It is my sincere hope that some day I'll be in a place where I can answer that question with an answer somewhere in between "Of course they will" and "It doesn't matter if they do or not." That would be a healthy, positive place. Lord knows I can use more of those.