FOOTBALL Favre To Return: Packers Sign Woodson To 7-Year Deal
Yes yes... just like me, Brett Favre is making a triumphant return. Unfortunately, looking at the free agent moves of the Packers this off-season (or lack thereof), only leads me to think that the Packers' management didn't want Favre to return. I mean, let's think about it: Favre took a long time deciding because he wanted the Packers to really bring in some talented free agents... which didn't happen. And it's not like we didn't have the money... or that the talent wasn't out there--we had tons of money under the cap, and we missed out on talented free agents Vinatieri and Arrington (who could still be a bust for the Giants).
But now we've made some headway, both with Favre and with Free Agency. Two days ago, this article surfaced about the Packers signing uber talented and oft-injured CB Charles Woodson. Woodson, if you'll recall, won the Heisman trophy (beating out All-World Peyton Manning) while playing for the University of Michigan Arrogant Bastards. Woodson was, easily, the most versatile, dangerous player in college football in 1997. He could return punts, line up on offense, and could shut-down one side of the field on defensive... and he helped lead Michigan to a shared National Title (remember the days before the BCS?). I have always respected Woodson's talent... and I hope that he can stay healthy enough to make an impact defensively this season. Now the Packers only need to draft AJ Hawk (or, God willing, Mario Williams); move Tauscher from Tackle to Guard and start Kevin Berry; trade Javon Walker for a D-Lineman or Guard; address wide receiver and D-Line need in the draft... and we've almost got ourselves a ballclub. That sounds pretty easy to me. Go Pack!

PERSONAL Mystery Shopper Extraordinaire!
This week I agreed to do some mystery shopping for a friend of mine from the SC Conservatory. It involves, basically, going to bars and ordering a specific drink with bourbon and seeing if the bartender (or wait staff) recommends a particular brand of bourbon. If they do, great! I'm done! If they don't... I end up spending five minutes trying to look like I'm not interested in other brands until they hit the right one. What I found out Monday is that they sometimes don't get it right, even after five minutes. I also found out Monday--in my zeal to get a headstart on the week--that four drinks in an hour and a half is probably my limit. It's probably over my limit. It passed my limit and asked it for ex-girlfriend's phone numbers on the way. Regardless, I was able to call Randi from the second bar (Happy Birthday!) and I told her that mystery shopping is probably right up my alley. I get to act and improvise... I get to be overly critical... and it allows me to feel like I know something that the other person doesn't--all these things point to the fact that I'm petty. Wait... that's not where that sentence was going. All those things point to the fact that I'd be good at mystery shopping as a job (not a career, just a job)... if there are such people as professional mystery shoppers.
Randi said that her new horse is so good, if they lose at all this season it will be because she, Randi, messed up. Can you believe that? Sure, she says that now... but what happens after that first loss? It'll be "the sun was in my eyes" this, and "you were shooting at me" that... she won't blame herself.

PERSONAL Speaking Of Jobs...
You are being written to by the Second City Training Center's new Writing Program Intern. Of course it's an unpaid position! but that doesn't mean I'm any less excited to continue to be a part of that magical place. I am hoping that I can create a relationship with some of the writing instructors there and maybe they'll let me know of other places in town I could take writing classes... or maybe they'll have some opportunities that I don't know about to write for contests and things of that nature. Additionally, the internship will allow me to take another class at Second City FOR FREE!!! "What's left to take", you ask? Well, I've wanted to take the Musical Improv classes for a while, but haven't wanted to enough to pay the $250 every two months or whatever. But now, since they're free... I'll most probably learn how to do musical improv! I'll be so awesome then! Everyone will think I'm the greatest. I'll push it to the max (I feel a song coming on... excuse me whilst I sing)...

PERSONAL Lazy Days
Jim Gaffigan, the comedian, has a bit about what I call "lazy days." To paraphrase, he says "You ever have one thing to do all day and you just can't do it? 'Oh I have to go to the post office... but then I'd have to put pants on. I'll do it next week when I'm not so busy'." That was me yesterday. I had, essentially one thing to do (go to bank--deposit check and change my address with them)... but I just couldn't get around to doing it. "Oh I'm going to have to shave first," I thought... or I would say "It's noon... the bank's probably really busy." Noon could be substituted out and whatever the time was could be substituted back in.
And, in all honesty, those days have made up pretty much the entirety of my last year and a half. Even this morning, I find myself waking up at 10:30... when all normal people have already done stuff--been productive. So this morning brings with it a renewed sense of anger towards myself, because I haven't done anything and continue to do nothing. This is partially based on my viewing of "Walk The Line" last night (which I loved). Cash laid everything on the table and said "This is what I want to do, and everything else in my life is secondary." I really haven't done that... I really haven't done anything, to be honest. I took "classes." Big deal. I'm not doing a regular show on my own. And I'm certainly not making money at it. Hell, I can't even afford to take my girlfriend grocery shopping.
And then I just realized that, what started out as anger towards not having a job became--morphed into--being angry because I'm not doing shows and getting paid--That I'm not a professional actor or improviser. How very interesting. I wonder if this is how everyone who completes the Training Center feels like if they don't have a regular gig waiting for them. Huh. *Pause* I need to shave.

POLITICS So Good, I Wish I Had Said It
Here's something my dad sent to me today:
On March 1st in Annapolis, Maryland, a hearing on a proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was taking place.
Jamie Raskin, professor of constitutional law at American University's Washington College of Law, testified as to why the amendment should not be passed.
At the end of his testimony, Republican State Senator Nancy Jacobs, stood up and shouted: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?"
To which Mr. Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."
The room erupted into applause.

PERSONAL Turn The Page
The title of this post refers to two major chapters in the novel that is my life: 1) I have successfully completed all of my training at The Second City Training Center; and 2) I have completely moved out of my old apartment. Yes, last week was my final Second City Conservatory show. Rather than tell you all about it, you can view it in its entirety here. The link will only work for a couple of weeks, however... so check it out now. Below is a picture of my group, Jamaica University!
Look at how funny we look! No? You're probably right... but tell me the last time you had a unicorn in a class picture. Go on, tell me. That's what I thought. Now who's funny?
I use the metaphor of page turning and chapters because this time does eerily feel like a clean break with the past and a movement forward. It is a very odd time for me, mentally and emotionally. Everything I have known up until this point (except for the people), will be different. A different location, no Second City classes to speak of, and living with someone else for the first time since my senior year in college (which you don't think was all that long ago, but we are talking about three years).
Speaking of living with someone, Chelsey and the apartment are great. We got lots of help from my friend Rob and Chelsey's co-worker Carmen two weekends ago... and my parents helped me with a couple loads of boxes---all in all a pretty painless move when I think about how expensive it could have been. Chelsey and I spent much of last week cleaning my old apartment and organizing this one for both of our best friends from out of town visiting on the same weekend (weird! but true). I'll take/post pictures of the apartment soon. But, for right now, I actually have a business date/meeting tonight. A friend of mine and I (the aforementioned Rob) have written one show and look to write another. We've got four or five solid scenes and are looking to put up a two-man/35-40 minute show within the next couple of months. I'm excited. It's one of four or five projects that I'm looking into now that I'm opening a new chapter in my life. I hope this one is finally called "Adulthood."

USELESS FACT Set your clocks!
Here's something my dad emailed me this morning: "This coming Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. This won't happen again for another 1000 years." As such, I know it sounds lame... but I will most probably be up at 1 AM, just to celebrate this historically useless tidbit of knowledge.
Additionally, it's time to replace the phrase "As American as apple pie" with something more historically accurate... like "As American as the trampoline" or "As American as the fortune cookie." Viva revolution!

PERSONAL A Sick Chelsey Is Not A Happy Chelsey
Thursday morning, around 11 AM, Chelsey called me from work sounding very weak. She felt ill and wanted me to pick her up from work. No problem... but I was a little worried. She sounded like it was more than just being ill... but I couldn't put my finger on it. When I got to her office building, she climbed into the car and was almost hyperventilating. I was--frankly--scared. Why? For example, I kept asking her if I needed to take her to a hospital, but I honestly don't know where a hospital is in this city. I know there are like a million hospitals in Chicago, but I couldn't tell you where one is except for the Children's Hospital. So I was worried that Chelsey was going to need help and I wouldn't know how to get it for her. Thankfully, she calmed down... I made her soup and sat next to her as she fell asleep. The situation made me so tense that even I took a nap. She was able to sleep all afternoon but had to get up to run tech for her show. I wasn't able to drive her up there because I met with the cast of a show I did a year and a half ago (which was weird and awesome... might write about that later)--but I picked her up after the show.
As far as the hyperventilating is concerned... I think I understand that in retrospect. If I remember correctly, the first time I got really sick in Chicago--I was by myself and I was so afraid that I hyperventilated and I may have cried. I was just thinking about being alone and, had something really terrible happened to me, no one would have know for days or maybe weeks. It's scary to be in a new place and to feel so vulnerable.

NOW SOME SPORTS... YOU KNOW, FOR KATY'S SAKE...

FOOTBALL The Great Vince Young Conspiracy
When I saw Vince Young almost single-handedly defeat one of the greatest teams in college football history (yes I hate them, but they were good) this past January, I seriously thought he would push Reggie Bush for the first over-all pick in the draft. Compound the fact that the first over-all pick was Houston, where Young is from, AND that the Texans had been displeased with their current QB (David Carr)... and I thought Young was almost a lock to go first in this year's draft. Then came the months of down-time between games and the draft... and in came the Vince Young doubters. And the doubters must have been driving buses... because his detractors came out in droves. Now we're hearing he scored a 6 on the Wonderlic (he must be stupid!) and he only ran a 4.53 40 (he's slow!)... and I'm supposed to forget how he can dominate a game from the quarterback position? And now I hear people tell me that Jay Cutler is a better quarterback. Which QB just won the national championship? I tell you what, you can get Cutler and his Vanderbilt teammates and I'll take Vince Young and some of my friends, and I promise we'll beat team Cutler. Vince Young is everything that Michael Vick was supposed to be... he can throw, he can pass, and he can lead a team to a championship. I'll take Young, thanks.
I think the reason he's so heavily scrutinized is because of Vick, actually. Teams don't want a quarterback who gets hurt every season... so they're worried about Young's running. But I will say, right now, that a team will pick up Young later than expected (Raiders at 7? Cardinals at 10? Cowboys at 18??!) and they will get an absolute STEAL! Good luck, Mr. Young.
FOOTBALL Everyone Is Making Big Moves... Except For My Packers
There's not a whole lot for me to report as far as Packers off-season moves are concerned. This year, more than previous years, it bothers me. The Pack weren't very good last season (read: they sucked), and they have tons of money under the cap... so why aren't the Packers going out and getting free agents? Are they trying to get Favre to retire with a shitty passive-aggressive plan? I wouldn't doubt it. If they want Favre to retire, they can't cut him (everyone in Wisconsin would riot) and they can't trade him (everyone in Wisconsin would riot)... but they can make Green Bay so undesirable that Favre doesn't want to return (I'm just full of conspiracies today!).
The Packers were the bottom of the NFC North barrel last season... but do I see the other teams getting better? No... not necessarily. Like what? Let's look:

Bears Additions: QB Brian Griese (Bucs)--I don't understand this... but it means the end of the Kyle Orton era in Chicago. Grossman will be the starter this year until he gets hurt (week 1 or 2), and Griese will be the back-up. This is kind of a crap move, but at least they're making moves. WR Antonio Chatman (Packers)--Good riddance. Chatman has been the Packers only return man for about two years and every time he gets the ball I worry he'll fumble. He doesn't have the skill to actually score a touchdown on a punt or kick (I don't think I've ever seen it)... so I don't get why he was the one returning kicks. Bears fans... have fun watching him fumble.

Bears Subtractions: CB/KR Jerry Azumah (retired)--This one-time Pro Bowler was a dangerous returner. He had injury problems, however, and never became the dominant returner he should have been.

Lions Additions: WR Corey Bradford (Texans)--Remember when Bradford played for the Packers and he had one good season and then left for Texas and the money? Bradford is the ultimate proof that Brett Favre can make mediocre wide receivers look amazing. Good luck with him, Lions. QBs Jon Kitna (Bengals) and Josh McCown (Cardinals)--I'm a Kitna fan. I think he can easily lead a team to the playoffs. I don't know if he's a Super Bowl caliber quarterback... but he's better than Harrington. McCown was the back-up pick... trying to slap Harrington in the face before he left. McCown will be the backup, for sure... and Harrington will be playing piano for money somewhere.

Lions Subtractions: QB Jeff Garcia (Eagles)--Not a big deal here, Kitna is better than Garcia. Hey, maybe Garcia is just trying to follow TO's path. Look for Garcia to end his career in Dallas. CB Andre Goodman (Dolphins)--When Goodman was a rookie, I thought he had a chance to be pretty good. He has, however, disappointed. He might be better in Miami, though, as that defense has a way of making cornerbacks better.

Vikings Additions: This is the hardest one to write. I hate Minnesota... I have so much burning hatred for them, that I'm damn near blinded to how great their offseason has been. Here are the names... and you tell me that they're not head and shoulders above the other teams: G Steve Hutchinson (Seahawks... arguably the best Guard in the league); K Ryan Longwell (Packers... and my personal Fantasy Football kicker for five or six seasons. This hurts); QB Mike McMahon (Eagles... and the guy who, while with the Lions, I said I would have loved to replace Favre); FB Tony Richardson (Chiefs... where he spent his first 11 seasons); RB Chester Taylor (Ravens); and S Tank Williams (Titans). Nice.

Vikings Subtractions: S Corey Chavous (Rams)--Smart and good... Chavous has done draft-day commentary for ESPN for a couple years. I'm glad he's gone from the ViQueens. RB Michael Bennett (Saints)--Any University of Wisconsin player shouldn't have to play for Minnesota... I'm glad he's out. QB Dante Culpepper (Miami)--Is this addition by subtraction? Or is this one of the worst moves Minnesota has made since trading away Randy Moss?

Packers Additions: S Marquand Manuel (Seahawks)--I almost jumped for joy when I heard this. Almost. (Sarcasm!) AND THAT'S IT!

Packers Subtractions: WR Antonio Chatman (Bears) and K Ryan Longwell (Vikings) I've already mentioned. QB Craig Nall (Bills)--Nall tore apart the World League last summer... he's got the skills, he just needs a shot. C Mike Flanagan (Texans)--This angers me greatly. Yeah Flanagan's in his tenth season... but he's good. Remember when the Packers had the best offensive line in football? Wasn't that two seasons ago? But your o-line goes from good to shitty if you let all your players leave. My team sucks.

The Moral of this story: The Vikings are better... but the bottom of the division is still up for grabs. My bet is on the Packers to be pulling up the rear this season. I'm so disappointed in them. *sigh*
Commercials Can Hooters Make Their Waitresses Seem More Vapid? They're Trying
If you don't know what I'm talking about, Hooters has a new advertising campaign. I've only seen one commercial for it, but this is how the commercial goes: Hooters manager woman tells all the waitresses that crab legs are only $7.99 a pound... so sell them up; World's largest body-building grandfather orders crab legs; waitress says "okay," whistles (we get a campy reaction shot from patron), and a scale is brought in; Hooters manager woman wonders aloud to other waitress why no one is buying crab legs; waitress says they're too expensive; when manager is confused, waitress says "that guy weighs over 200 pounds!"... leading to campy reaction shot from manager. Ta da! Commercial done. I mean, no one expects Hooters waitresses to be intelligent... but if I were an intelligent woman working at Hooters, there's no way I'd be happy with this campaign. It's also, frankly, more stupid than funny. And it's not like they need a "funny commercial" so we'll remember Hooters. The people who are going to go there already know it... and the people who aren't eating there aren't going to say "Ha ha... funny commercial, I should eat at Hooters." I cringe whenever that commercial comes on... and I hope someone at the ad agency gets fired.

PERSONAL Movin On Up
Saturday afternoon, I received a phone call from the company that manages my apartment building. I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number. The person who called left a message about how someone was interested in seeing my apartment, and would it be possible to come up Sunday at 1. As such, I spent much of Saturday cleaning, packing, and moving things around in my apartment. I ended up calling the leasing agent back and the woman cancelled on him--so no viewing of the apartment Sunday--but I think that scare was exactly what I needed to get my move kick-started.
I've got more boxes than I know what to do with... I've got stuff all over the place... yet my apartment looks cleaner than it has in a year or more. There was just too much stuff in this apartment for the space. And I fear the same thing will happen when I move into Chelsey's. For just her stuff, her apartment is huge... but, for both of us, I fear her apartment is not going to be large enough. We'll have five months of "uncomfortable" living until we can find an apartment big enough for both of us. And I am slightly annoyed by the thought that I'm just going to have to pack everything up again in about four months... especially considering that it's going to take me probably a good couple of weeks before I'm going to feel comfortable with all my loot in her place. As such, we're talking about a three month period where I have my stuff at Chelsey's and I feel comfortable with where everything is. Oh of course it's worth it. Yeah Chelsey's!

SPORTS Brackets Are Busted: The Dust Settles On Rounds One And Two
This past weekend was the first weekend of "March Madness." There are but sixteen teams left... and those teams are sweet. Cheesy? I can never tell.
Regardless, I was fortunate enough to have basketball on this weekend whilst packing and cleaning. You know what's coming... a break-down of what I think will happen in the games next weekend. Let's take a look at the brackets!

Atlanta
Duke/LSU: I have to admit two things about this game--1) Even though I saw Duke in the regular season and their conference tournament, I haven't seen Duke in this tourney and; 2) I'm kind of a Duke fan. I like Duke. I've liked Duke since I was young. I like Coach Krzyzewski... and have liked Duke because of him ever since I can remember. I saw some of the LSU/Texas A&M game... and LSU is lucky to be here. Even though I don't think Duke is strong enough to make it all the way, I'll take Duke here.

West Virginia/Texas: I have to admit something else--I am a West Virginia fan. I started following this team in last year's NCAA's... and have rooted for them all season. I'm taking W. Virginia... for no other reason than I'm rooting for a team of (basically) white guys.

Duke/West Virginia: If West Virginia is hitting their threes--they're hard to beat. Same for Duke. If this is actually the match-up (warning: Wussing out ahead!), I'm not going to care who wins... I like both teams. With West Virginia's paint scoring in question, however, I'll take Duke.

Oakland
Memphis/Bradley: I have yet to be impressed by Memphis. But they're deep. And three things will bring your team deep in the NCAAs every year--1) Great/Consistent/Smart guard play; 2) Consistent threes; 3) Deep benches. Memphis should, unfortunately, handle Bradley here... too bad for the underdogs from Peoria (O'Bryant really impressed).

Gonzaga/UCLA: This might be the best match-up of the sweet sixteen. I saw Gonzaga beat Indiana pretty much sans Adam Morrison. Granted, I don't think Indiana is all that great, but it proved to everyone that Gonzaga can win without Morrison scoring a billion points. Unfortunately for them, I think UCLA is too talented--top to bottom--to be beaten. I've got UCLA.

Memphis/UCLA: Memphis is deep, but UCLA is too... plus UCLA will hit more threes, and should outlast Memphis. UCLA ends up where they seem to belong--the Final Four.

Washington D.C.
UConn/Washington: I have to admit that I don't want to root for Washington because they beat my Fightin' Illini. However, Washington clawed their way back in that game and that will be important against UConn. UConn will go up big in this game, but Washington won't go away. Unfortunately for Washington (and as evident by the UConn game Sunday), UConn will outlast them. UConn will win this game. I saw the UConn/Kentucky game... when UConn is focused, they are too deep and talented to be beaten. What trips UConn up is when they get a big lead... their focus waivers and they let the lead slip. UConn won't lose their focus, because Washington will stay in their face... so UConn will win this one.

George Mason/Wichita State: I'm surprised that George Mason beat MSU (didn't see that game)... but I did see most of the GM/UNC game and am not surprised George Mason won. GM's defense was amazing... but I kept expecting them to not be able to score--then they passed it inside, or got to the line, or hit a long three... and they kept scoring. It was amazing! I have not seen Wichita, but if they can stop GM from scoring, they'll win. I am, however, taking George Mason in this one, if only because they've beaten both MSU and UNC... so Wichita should be easy by comparison.

UConn/George Mason: It almost doesn't matter who wins the GM/Wich St game because the UConn/Wash winner will be better than both teams. Look for UConn to advance.

Minneapolis
Villanova/Boston College: Villanova has yet to impress me. Boston College I haven't seen in this tourney... but I've seen them before this season. They DO impress me. Craig Smith, in particular, impressed me. Boston College too big and strong... and out-muscle the smaller Nova line-up. BC in this one.

Florida/Georgetown: I think this is an interesting match-up because I don't think either team (Florida playing S. Alabama then Wisconsin-Milwaukee AND Georgetown playing Northern Iowa and Ohio State) has really been tested. Florida in particular looks like they're not even really trying. Georgetown beat a supremely over-rated Ohio State team... but I don't think they're athletic enough to beat this Florida team. I've got Florida.

BC/Florida: Even though Florida is talented, I think BC is more talented. I've got BC... Yes, it's that simple. If Nova beats BC, I think THEY beat Florida. Basically, I feel that the winner of the Nova/BC game is better than the Florida/GTown winner and will then be headed to the Final Four.

PERSONAL Happy Saint Patrick's Day... Time To Pretend YOU Are Irish
It's here again, kiddies: Saint Patrick's Day. If you know me, you know that I love this holiday as much as I hate those who bastardize it. By "those", I mean the people who celebrate St. Patrick's Day as if all it means to be Irish is to be drunk and wear green. Those people don't even know who St. Patrick is and, probably if asked, wouldn't even know with which religion St. Patrick is affiliated. For those people, a refresher: St. Patrick is the man whose legend grew because he supposedly chased the snakes from Ireland. While the idea of snakes in Ireland is confusing (maybe they just had a snake problem?)... "snakes" probably refers to Druids or some other religious sect whose symbol was a snake or serpent. Regardless of who it was, we are most probably talking about someone who became a Saint because he cleared Ireland of religious opposition so that Irish Catholicism could flourish. It can not be emphasized enough that this holiday, today, is not just an Irish holiday... it is specifically an Irish-Catholic holiday.

But this is a rant you've heard from me before. I'm going to take a different stance this year. For years, I've been pissed that people pretend to celebrate my heritage by getting shit-faced drunk and wearing shirts that instruct everyone to kiss them. But not this year... this year I'm going to try to take pleasure in the thought that for one day of the year... everyone wishes they had my sideburns. Or, at least, wishes their grandparents had large ears and told lengthy stories where they just talked on and on. Or wishes their grandfather told really long jokes whose punch-line came after such a confusing twist and turn-filled ride that you have no idea why it was funny... or even where he started. No? Everyone wishes that their parents made them go to church every Sunday when they were young, when all they wanted to do was go to Nate's and play football. Not it? Okay... on one day of the year, everyone wishes their great-grandparents faced signs or job postings that would actually be bold enough to say "No Irish Need Apply"... or wishes their great-great-great-grandparents had to leave their home and travel by the millions to America to survive a famine and British oppression... or they wish that their great-great-grandparents were the first poor, slum-living, spit-on, intensely-hated people in America, or wish they were descendents of the first "Americans" to enjoy the blunt end of racism. I still didn't get it? Okay okay okay... I've got it now... for one day of the year, everyone in this country wishes they were Irish. And no other ethnicity in this country can say that about any other day of the year. (Positivity!)

And why shouldn't everyone in America want to be Irish? The Irish built this country: It's speculated that as many as one-third of the American revolutionary war force were Irish; The "father" of the Navy in the U.S.--John Barry--was from Ireland; the man who designed the White House--James Hoban--was Irish, and he designed the White House after the Leinster House of Dublin, and he was the man who had it painted white after the British tried to burn it down in 1812; Andrew Jackson was a first generation American from Scotch-Irish decent... and his followers (the primarily Irish Jackson Democrats) coined the phrase Manifest Destiny (John L. O'Sullivan... look it up); AND THEN the Irish built the Erie Canal and the railroads which would meet up with the western-Chinese railroads... just to make sure that everyone could Manifest their own Destiny.

I'm fortunate enough to live in Chicago, a very Irish city... so there are actually Irish people, from Ireland, who live here. As such, I can take comfort in KNOWING that actual Irish are celebrating in this city, and I can pretend that everyone else I see (people who are obviously not Irish), has an Irish friend who has educated them on what today is all about. It's not just about Green Beer... It's about me being angry and you being forced to read about it. No, that's not it. I'm making this year, I'm making today, about Inclusion... anyone who wants to be Irish like me today is welcome to join me in a pub to hear a story about my grandfather, which I'll be sure to make as long and boring as his stories (sorry Grandpa... don't be mad from Heaven!).
(Word to the Wise... Green Beer looks like Green Kool-Aid. If you drink Green Beer with a full recognition that it is--in fact--green, you'll be disappointed. Green Kool-Aid tastes about 80,000 times better. I actually really want some Green Kool-Aid right now. Mmm...)

My family's from County Kerry... where's your Irish-family from? *points to Comments section*

PERSONAL Beware The Ides Of March... Again
It seems like every year I say the same thing, but this year is different. This year, I really do have to be wary of the middle of March. At the end of March, I'll be moving out of my home for the past two and a half years--and into Chelsey's apartment. The move makes financial sense and emotional sense... and I'm not really having problems with it mentally. What I'm having trouble with is packing stuff up and moving it. Chelsey and I are still basically using my apartment as our home... and so it's difficult to pack things up while we're still using them. I've been practically freaking out all month, trying to figure out what I can take to Chelsey's... and how I was going to get everything moved--with Chelsey working so much--basically by myself. As such, things like blogging have been put to the wayside as I focus my time and energy on packing things and throwing stuff away, etc. After two and a half years (the longest I've ever lived by myself), things build up... and there are all sorts of things that are hidden or tucked away in my apartment which I now have to go through. Two and a half years... as long as I've been in this city... this has been my home. Beyond the difficulty of packing, the realization that I'm moving someplace new in this city is the hardest part for me. Probably because I didn't think I'd live here that long... in all honesty, I thought I'd try this--fail--and have to figure something else out within a year (two tops). But I'm here, in Chicago... and this is home.
PERSONAL Two Years
Monday, March 13, marked the two year anniversary of my site meter. Two years and over eighteen thousand hits later... and I'm still bitching about life. And someone out there is still bored enough to read it. Or still cares enough to read it. And that is truly humbling. Thank you. Thank you all.
PERSONAL Let's Go Red Wings!
About two months ago, Chelsey and I were looking online at Blackhawks tickets. I have never been to an NHL game before and, with the Blackhawks tickets now only $10 for nose-bleed seats, I figured this year was the time to do it. So I mentioned it to Chelsey and we started looking at tickets online. We saw that the Hawks were playing my beloved Wings in Mid-March... so we looked for tickets. The first thing I did was look at the "best available" seats, just because it lets you. When I looked at "best available," there were two tickets available in the 108 section, on one of the corners. The seats were very near the ice. Like, oh I don't know, ROW 6!!! I didn't want to put up the money for it... but Chelsey asked how many times we thought we'd be going to hockey games and, for a once a year kind of thing, it would be worth it. So we did it! The game was this past Sunday night. Chelsey and I went to the Hawks/Wings game via the CTA... which was actually pretty amazing. On Hawks or Bulls game nights, the 19 bus is the United Center express. It goes from downtown's El stops directly to the United Center... and was a nice, clean bus. But enough about mass transit, it was an amazing game! Detroit won 5-3--Datsyuk and Schneider each with a goal and two assists. Detroit scored two minutes into the game and had scored three goals by seven minutes in... so Chelsey and I thought it was going to be a blow-out! But the Hawks pulled Khabibulin after the third goal and, down 3-0 with the backup goalie in the game, the Blackhawks calmed down. Chelsey and I were lucky because our section of the crowd seemed to be only Wings fans. The "Let's Go Red Wings" chant was actually louder than "Let's Go Blackhawks." The Chicago fans, ever classy, ended up pulling out "Detroit still sucks" in the second period (which they stole from Packers fans who chant "Bears still suck" whenever they play, and the Bears win). Regardless, the game was an awesome experience... and Chelsey and I loved every second of it (especially the part when I yelled "Nice shot Shanny" to Brendan Shanahan and then pretended he had heard me. What do you mean pretended? He heard me... please?).
PERSONAL I'm A Terrible Person... WEEE!!!!
Tuesday afternoon, when I was walking back from lunch with Chelsey, a random girl tried to stop me. Here is the conversation.
Random Girl: "Hey, how's it going?"
Me: "Hey."
RG: "Can I talk to you for a second?"
Me: "Nope."
I noticed that she had the same wind breaker that someone else on the corner was wearing. That person's jacket said something like "Save the Starving Children from a horrible death in the third world you Middle-Class Heartless bastard." Something like that... I think it was more succinct on the jackets, though. Regardless, even if she had identified herself as someone from the "Give money to Children" fund, I wouldn't have listened to her pitch. I don't care who you are or what you're doing... when I'm on the streets of Chicago, do NOT try to stop me to talk to me. I, frankly, don't care. When I'm walking through the downtown, on a weekday at lunch, there are much more important (richer) looking people you should be hitting up for money. What about my baseball hat and "Qudoba" cup says to you, "Hey, this guy must have enough money to help children?" or whatever. Monday night, actually, I was saying good-bye to Katy and her family and some black man came up to all of us, but said "Excuse me, sir?" Why ask me? Because he figured by asking me in front of women I wouldn't want to loose face and would, in fact, give him money. What he didn't take into account is that: 1) I don't have a job and don't have money and; 2) I wasn't trying to impress any of those women. The guy actually said "excuse me, sir" about five times... before I crossed the street and left him. I thought he was going to keep following me until I acknowledged him... but that would have just made me mad. As I've gone longer and longer without a job... I become more angry towards people asking me for money. Is it because I'm white... is that why you think I've got money? Is it because I'm a balding white male... so I must be a certain age, with extra cash on me and job security? That prejudice makes me angry... so, no... I don't care what you're asking me money for (which is the only reason people stop you on the street) I don't have money for you, so get the phuk away from me. (Angry! hooray!)

PERSONAL (Kind of) In Honor of 3/11
Here's a video from two of the guys in my Conservatory class--Fernando and Thomas. This is actually the start of our Conservatory show... and is what happens when two guys are hangin out before class. I was there when they came up with the idea for it. They're funny.

PERSONAL Second Chances
"Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime's work, but it's worth the effort"--Mr. Rogers

First of all, Miss me? Sorry about the hiatus. I'll get into that later (a later post).

Secondly, as we all know, I am currently jobless. In addition to my own laziness, one of the biggest problems I've been having is figuring out what I can/should do. Normally, the road a person would take at this point is to either: a) take whatever job comes along and hope it's something they're good at (not my style); or b) figure out what they want to do by going to a professional. Unfortunately for me, the professional to which I refer is a career counselor. I say it's unfortunate because the only career counselor I know is my mother. When I was in high school, my mother practically forced me to talk to her about my potential career possibilities. Additionally, because her job is to figure out people's interests and the life-long careers they should pursue, for most of my life I've heard that the chances of someone "making it" in acting is miniscule. I always took that "someone" to mean me. And, in all honesty, my mom meant "me" when she was talking about how hard it would be to make a living by acting. So for the past ten years or so, I've heard from her that I need to have a "career" to make money (which she always thought should be in math, science, or--more recently--computers) and then I could do acting whenever I had free time. I always resented that plan because I felt like she hadn't even given me a fair chance to make a living acting, as if she didn't think I was talented enough to get paid to act... and that her plan would have me only performing in shitty community theatre and only during the summer months. I basically saw myself like the community members of Big Rapids who have real careers and then, once a year, think that being the lead in Guys and Dolls in BR on the Charter Academy stage (which seats a couple hundred... maybe) makes them a big deal.

Regardless, in high school I was semi-forced to take a couple of personality tests and--probably out of spite--wasn't really interested in my results. I suppose that was putting it lightly. I effectively denied everything that the tests had concluded about me and, as such, my mom had called her interpretation with me of my results the "biggest failure" of her professional career. Nice to hear from your mother that you're her biggest failure, I know... but my family's honest, what can I say?

So now we fast forward to two weeks ago when I took those two personal assessment tests again: The MBTI and the Strong Interest. This time, it was my idea to take the tests (still trying to figure out where I should get a job). When I mentioned the idea to my mom, she seemed very hesitant to help. "I could have Carol [a co-worker] do the interpretation for you" she would say. "No mom... I want you to do it," I replied. I did NOT want to be the only failure of my mother's professional career (and I didn't want to keep hearing about it, either). My mom did, in fact, agree to interpret my results with me... and waited until she and my dad spent a few days in Chicago to see my Conservatory show.

Are you interested in the results? No? Then why are you reading this? If you are interested in the results, I'll do my best to explain what took my mom and I the better part of a day to go over. Let's start with the MBTI... which is a personality test. It is a 91 question test whose questions focus on personal preferences... and is supposed to be a good indicator of someone's true personality. A person's results come as four letters, each letter is on a scale and compared to the other side of the scale (which is the other possible letter). That didn't make sense... hold on. Okay. Your first letter is either E or I which means Extrovert or Introvert and means where you focus of your attention (make more sense?). The second letter is S or N meaning Sensing or Intuition--the way you take in information. Third letter could be a T or an F: Thinking or Feeling--how you make decisions. Last letter being J or P: Judging or Perceiving--how you deal with the world.

Okay, some of those are obvious and some are not so obvious (because the true meaning of the letter spectrum is not necessarily the definition of the words). But perhaps when I explain my results it will make more sense. So, according to the MBTI, I am an INTJ. Let's start at the end and work forward. The "J" at the end refers to "judging." The shortest version of what this means is that I prefer to set goals, work first (play later), and plan ahead. The opposite end of the spectrum (the "P") are people who play first, people who leave all their options open, and people who see deadlines as elastic rather than concrete. That is not me. I'm all about making a plan and sticking to it. In essence, I'm not someone who is very comfortable adapting to new situations. I'm not saying I'm bad at improv... but it IS working against my grain, rather than with it.

Next, I am a "T" (Thinker) and not an "F" (Feeler). This means that I value logic, step back from problems to analyze impartially, and naturally see flaws--tending to be critical. The "F" (feeler) would consider effects on other people first, naturally likes to please others, and believe that all feelings are valid (no matter how illogical). It should be noted that, because of the way my "letters" relate to each other, this is the side of myself that people see. So this thinker revelation should come as a surprise to no one. It should also be noted that my range on this spectrum isn't huge... I've been trying to pay more attention to people's feelings in and since college. While that won't trump logic in my head, I like to now add it to my computations. That sounds heartless... isn't that cool? No? Moving on then.

The next category is the difference between "Sensors" and "Intuitives." This category actually flipped since the last time I took the test but, in all honesty, the first test was probably prone to inaccuracy. Regardless, this is my closest category. The new version of the test says that I'm Intuitive--like ideas and concepts for their own sake, like learning news skills, use metaphors and analogies. This is as opposed to Sensors who value common sense, talk in specifics, and are present-oriented. Those who know me, clearly see that I have traits of both. That's the thing about this test... it understands that people can function in various ways. But my mom put it best when she asked me to sign my name with both hands. "You prefer your right hand, but can still function with the left." That's what this test shows. I am more comfortable talking in analogies and metaphors, but have no problem functioning in an environment that requires me to give step-by-step instructions. Get it?

Finally, and perhaps most surprisingly to you, I am an Introvert. There can be no question about this... it is the truth. Anyone who thinks I'm an Extrovert must now unlearn what they have learned. I know I come across as an extrovert... I even had someone (at the Second City, of all places) say they wished they were as "extroverted as you [meaning me]." Here's the kicker--and something I'll bitch about whenever I get the chance--I feel that introverts aren't really allowed to be introverted in this society. And it all starts in school. Schools are geared towards extroverts-- the people who work well with others, who speak their way through problems, and who like being surrounded by peers. As such, introverts either learn to be extroverted to survive or are social outcasts in school. I did the former. It's only going to get worse for us introverts, too. My dad and I talk about this all the time--universities might be moving towards "problem based learning" wherein a problem is presented to the class and the class then breaks up into groups to solve the problem themselves (the instructors only guide, no answers are given). This sounds like an okay way to attack a realistic job-like learning environment, right? The only problem being that the extroverts are the ones doing all the talking--talking out their ideas while trying to figure them out. The instructors see the extroverts talking and mistake them for the leaders of the group... not even bothering to listen to the tripe they're saying. The loudest barking dog isn't always saying anything, know what I mean?

Anyway, I'm an introvert. I think before I act, I'm energized by spending time alone, and I prefer to listen rather than talk. I even noticed it the last party I went to. Sure I was talking a lot... but I was asking people questions so that I could listen to what they have to say. It comes across as extroverted, maybe, but only if you don't know what I'm doing. So, at parties, I'm loud and I'm always trying get people talking. Think of it this way, in the same way that I treat the women that I like (by appearing overly interested), perhaps I overcompensate for my introversion by appearing overly extroverted. I think that one of the reasons I come across like an ass to most people who don't know me (and who ask me to go out and get a drink or whatever) is that spending time with people is exhausting. And the last thing I want to do after a long day is go out and have to entertain everyone. Granted that's not what people say they want or even think they want from me... but I have my own issues--and always believe that people I don't know very well just want me around because I entertain them.

Now we're getting into issues that I have that have nothing to do with this test. Where was I? Oh! I was done explaining the various bits. So, yes, I'm an INTJ... and I'm 2-3% of the American population. As such, if you know 100 people, I'm like one or two other people you know. And the point of this test was to let me know what career I'd be good at (or would enjoy doing). So here are some of the careers that were mentioned for people with my personality:
Scientist; Computer Systems Analyst; Computer Programmer; Teacher--University; Attorney--Litigator/Commercial; Judge; Architect; Psychologist; Psychiatrist; Inventor; Astronomer; News Analyst; Engineer; Writer/Editor; and Mathematician.
You'll notice the heavy lean towards math, science, and computers. What can I say? My mom's good at her job. Regardless, I now have reasons why these careers would be satisfying for me that aren't limited to "You're good at it." "I'm good at a lot of stuff," I'd always respond, "Does that mean I should do everything?" No, it doesn't.
I'm getting ahead of myself... notice a few interesting things--University Teacher pops up and so do attorney and judge. Writer and editor surprises no one, except maybe me... because I didn't know there was really a personality type for writing. Notice "Inventor"... I don't even know what that actually means anymore. Does that mean I should be Thomas Edison? Can people be "Inventors" for their jobs? I didn't even think that was possible. Also notice Psychologist... which we'll revisit later.

I also took the Strong Interest Inventory. This 290-question juggernaut was actually a lot of fun to take. This test supposedly shows people what they would like doing (what jobs they have a strong interest in) based on personal preferences. You get a scale from Strongly Agree (or Strongly Like) to Strongly Disagree (or Strongly Dislike), and my mom says that this test's results may change dramatically based on experiences. The results of this exam are based on thousands of people from various vocations who have worked in their careers for at least three years and who have all claimed that they are "satisfied" with their current job. Basically, people with careers they like have answered THIS way... now let's see which careers your answers are closest to--that's this test, get it?

Additionally, it should be mentioned that the questions on this test are based on what interests you... not what you think you're good at, not what you're qualified to do, not what you've studied--just what you're interested in. This test, in no means, indicates that I would be good at whatever job it tells me I'm interested in--it just tells me what kinds of careers match my particular interests. It could tell me that I'm interested in, say, athletics... but that doesn't mean I could beat your grandmother at golf. I can't. Your nana is good.

My results to this test point towards my enjoying artistic or investigative careers the most--including my top five interest areas: 1. Performing Arts; 2. Writing and Mass Communication; 3. Mathematics (damn!); 4. Athletics (ha!); and 5. Computer Hardware and Electronics. I think athletics don't mean playing... but rather something else involving athletics, like me sitting and watching them. Oh, that reminds me, this test doesn't say I have to do any of this as my career... but only points towards my interests. The results actually say that, if you can't satisfy your favorite interests in your career, you should do extra-curricular activities to satisfy them. Make sense?
Now, what you're all waiting for... the top ten occupations I am subconsciously interested in, according to this test, are as follows:
10.) Computer Scientist; 9.) Physicist; 8.) Network Administrator; 7.) Biologist; 6.) R&D Manager; 5.) Mathematician; 4.) Technical Support Specialist; 3.) Psychologist [told you it'd come up again]; 2.) Musician and....
1.) University Professor.

Sometimes you're the last to know what it seems like everyone else already knows. In light of these results, I now have a new long-term goal (I'm a planner!). I will eventually go back to school to become a University professor... most probably of theatre or play-writing/writing. My short-term goal can now include getting whatever job I can (probably temping), which I can now honestly view as temporary. That was another problem I realized going through the results: up until now--without a long-term goal--I couldn't view any job as temporary. So I would look at jobs online and not be able to think about them as anything but permanent. But now something in my brain clicked... and I can think about jobs as just a job, because I've got a big-picture plan. And I've got piece of mind. For now.

Addendum: My mom emailed me after we went over the results and called this interpretation her "greatest success" because I was so interested in my results. My mom and I did, seriously, talk all Tuesday afternoon and into the evening. We caught up, talked about life and our family, and had a good time. She's a remarkable woman, my mother.

SPORTS Feel Good Story Of The Year... Read This Even If You Don't Like Sports
It's the way we all dream it: it's your senior year in high school. You've been involved with your high school basketball team all year because you were the "Team Manager" (giving players towels or water, doing laundry... that sort of thing). It's the final home game of your high school career, so your coach lets you actually suit up. You sit on the bench in uniform the entire game against a divisional foe for the division championship--which turns out to be a blow-out in your team's favor. As such, with four minutes left to play in the game, the coach actually decides to put you in! You're in the game! Now's your chance to shine! You can't wait to take that first shot and, when you do, you miss the basket completely by about six feet. But you will not waiver... you've got resolve and determination... so when the ball comes to you again you shoot a three and hit it. You take another three and hit that, too! Now you're in the zone and you start raining threes... and the crowd is going absolutely insane! Cheerleaders are jumping up and down... the crowd is ready to explode every time you touch the ball... you realize that a mother of another player actually had a picture of your face printed onto a cardboard cutout and she passed out dozens of them, so an entire section of the stands is holding up masks of YOUR FACE! You! The Team Manager! And, as the game ends, the stands empty and the crowd carries you off with all kinds of congratulations, praise, and hugs. When the dust settles you've scored 20 points in less than four minutes--hitting six threes and a seventh shot with your foot on the line.
Sounds like a pretty good story, doesn't it? Something right out of Hollywood. It's actually something right out of Rochester, New York... and the "you" is high school senior Jason McElwain. If you haven't seen video of this story, the best place I've seen for it is here. The CBS story is pretty good. If nothing else, it's worth seeing the video just to see the crowd going absolutely bananas! Everyone in the stands jumps at the same time whenever he makes a basket.

Oh, by the way, Jason McElwain--the "you" from the story--is autistic. Read his story again.

PERSONAL Song Gets Ripped Apart One Week Too Late
Thursday evening was my last Conservatory class... e-var! As such, it was the last chance we'll have to put up new things in class and get Norm to see them so he'll put them in the show. Things went pretty swimmingly until the end of class, when Norm wanted to talk about one of my songs. Last week, I had two songs in the show: "Race To Win" a rock ballad that Thomas and I wrote about cliched sports sayings; and a song I like to call "Filthy Arabs." Now I know the title is offensive, that's part of the point. The point of the song is that American's of all races have been blanketly racist and just plain ignorant towards Middle Easterners since September the eleventh of 2001. It's a peppy, upbeat tune which I wanted to juxtapose against the vile racism of all the characters (which basically consist of my Conservatory class playing themselves). I, unabashedly, claim that we should "ethnically cleanse the Middle East" during the chorus... and everyone else thinks that's a great idea and then they sing along.
Well, needless to say, the song bombed this past Monday night when we performed it. The audience seemed like they didn't know how to respond... and Jen, the wife of my friend Matt, said that listening to the song was like having someone put a burning cross on your front yard (which I secretly loved hearing [I'm crazy!]). Yes I could say that the song bombed was due to lack of preparation OR I could just as easily say it was due to lack of singing talent... but I think a lot of it was that my ideas weren't fully flushed out. I had a couple good verses like the one about having to "walk my fat, lazy ass" without the Middle Eastern oil/gas (easy rhyme, I know)... but most of the other verses were rhymes I could get to fit in the meter, rather than fully flushed out ideas. I kept waiting for someone to say "I think what you're trying to say here is this" and then giving me feedback, but they didn't. I thank one member of the cast, Matthew, for telling me that he had reservations about his verse. He told me the night OF the performance, but at least he told me beforehand.
But, tonight, Norm started discussing the song as if someone had talked to him about being personally offended by my song. This did upset me a little, but when you stick your neck out, it is more likely to get cut (what?). Regardless, tonight--a month and a half after I sent the song to Norm and performed it for my class (in class... I had to sing it all by myself--scary! Especially since I didn't know whether they'd get it or beat me with sticks)--we FINALLY looked over the actual lyrics and made changes. At first I thought I was upset (could have cried, not going to lie) because we made SO MANY changes to the lyrics and, as such, the song doesn't really say what I wanted it to say anymore. But that's not the reason I'm upset. I'm upset because I kept asking people--begging people--to tell me if they had a problem with the song. "The song won't work," I said at least a dozen times, "unless everyone is comfortable with what it's saying." And, not only did they not tell me, they let me put it UP in front of a PAYING audience before telling me that they weren't comfortable with it. I was so mad at my class afterwards... argh!
Coincidentally, the song is now more about "We're Americans and we're mad and we don't know who to be mad at, so we'll be mad at anyone who's not us"... which is still an okay thing to say--but I wanted this song to say to everyone who heard it "Remember how you treated every Middle Eastern person you've met in the past 5 years? Let's just all come out and admit that we we prejudged them and were racist towards them! Come on! Who's coming with me?" Needless to say, I'm not all that excited about performing this song anymore. At least I still have "Race To Win"... Puttin' it to the top!

PERSONAL Good-Bye Old Reliable
Ever since I moved to Chicago, two things have remained a constant retreat--a mini vacation, if you will--allowing me to escape any and everything going wrong. The first was my large picture wall--the entrance to my apartment--which was loaded with pictures from Big Rapids and Albion. When times were hard, right after moving to Chicago, I would spend time putting more pictures up... or just looking at them and remembering easier, happier times. The wall was a safe haven for me, and a way to surround myself with familiar faces when their were only new ones around me.
My other haven was, of course, my car. Having it with me in the city meant I could leave whenever I wanted. If things really REALLY got hard, I could put myself in my car and drive away--getting the rest of my stuff later. Or, if things were just kind of hard, I could head to a suburb for the day or head back to Michigan for the weekend.
But the times they are a changin. As I look to move from my apartment to Chelsey's (first of April), my picture wall is going to have to come down. And, as such, if pictures start coming off the wall on their own I'm just pulling them down instead of trying to put them back up. This past weekend I'll pulled two more pictures down. I must have pulled a dozen or so pictures down by now, and my entry way is starting to look a little sad. What was a wall of pictures is now a wall with pictures scattered on it.
Additionally, in the six years I've had my car, the only problem I've had is an annual breaking of the right side mirror (I'm on mirror number four?). However, recently, I've had more and more serious problems. In November, as I was loading up my car to head home for Thanksgiving, I noticed my keyless entry "remote" wasn't working. When I hopped into my car, completely packed for the extended weekend, I was unable to turn my car on. I had a dead battery! But it wasn't from leaving a light on or anything... it was just completely sans electricity. Thankfully I have Triple A, so they came (three hours later) and jumped my car for me. When I got back to BR, the car dealer correctly diagnosed my battery as "bad" and I had to get a new one.
The next time I tried to go home, in December, I couldn't start my car again. Again I was totally packed, but this time it didn't seem like the battery. My car showed me the "security" idiot light and I had to look it up in my manual to see what that meant. My car has a security feature wherein, if it doesn't sense the correct key, it won't allow gasoline into the engine thereby not allowing the engine to turnover. Makes sense... and is a cool feature, if it works. When the owner of the vehicle can't start their own car with the correct key, there's a problem. I WAS able to start the car with a different key (thankfully I have like three keys), and head home for the holidays. Well, $400 some-odd later, I shouldn't ever have that problem again.
Now for the newest problem. This Saturday was one of the coldest in recent Chicago history. It was a bitter, biting cold... and Chelsey had an afternoon rehearsal up North of me quite a way. Since I don't do anything useful normally, I suggested that I drive her to rehearsal. When we got to my car, it didn't want to start (that's how cold it was)... but it did. Unfortunately, the heater did not start. That's not entirely accurate. My fan is broken... so no heat or cold will ever make it into the cab of the vehicle until I get it fixed. I felt so bad... because Chelsey was shaking cold all the way up to rehearsal (and all the way back after rehearsal). I also feel bad for her because, in the week since it broke, I have to drive with a window down to keep the windows from frosting over. It works, don't get me wrong... it would probably be dangerous if the window wasn't down... but Chelsey just sits there and freezes while I'm cold but not too uncomfortable. So I HAVE to get it fixed... but who knows how expensive that will be--or when I'll be able to get to a good dealership to get it fixed. *Huge sigh* My car used to be indestructible... but now it's starting to show its age. Just like me.
TV Jonny Moseley On SNL... Worst. Host. Ever.
Wednesday afternoon, I was flipping through channels to find something to put on whilst working on the computer. I was both fortunate and unfortunate enough to land on E! for an episode of Saturday Night Live. I've seen some pretty bad shows, thanks to some really out of place hosts, but Moseley showed the personality of a corpse. I mean, I saw the Senator McCain show in 2002 and McCain did about a million times better--that's not saying much. I just remember McCain at least having a lot of enthusiasm for it. But for Moseley, they even wrote a scene "Super Buzzers" that had the host say about three lines... and even those didn't come out well.
So what do you think, kiddies? Who's the worst SNL host of all time? Bohne, I'm directing this question to you... as you might be the only person who could talk about this with any authority.

SPORTS USA Women's Hockey Gets A Scare Against Finland
Valentine's Day, I watched the entire USA/Finland hockey game. Yes, the final score was 7-3 USA... but if you just see the final score, you don't know the whole story. Finland scored 13 seconds into the game off a stupid turnover in the USA zone (one of the US players tried to pass across the ice from behind her own goal... tsk tsk). As such, down 1-0 in the first 13 seconds, the US players played tight. They looked nervous... and the Finnish players were all over the ice. The US women were obviously bigger, but they couldn't get any separation from the aggressive Fins in the first two periods. And, because of the shock and frustration of that early goal, the US took the first two penalties of the game. The US killed those two penalties, then got their first goal on a power play. But the US gave up a power play goal of their own and, as the first period ended, team USA was down 2-1. As the second period started, Finland continued their aggressive play... and the USA didn't look good. At 12:10 into the second period, Finland scored their third goal, to go up 3-1. To be honest, I hadn't seen anything from the Americans that showed me they could come back. They hadn't gotten quality shots on goal, they couldn't get separation from Fins, and Finland looked like the faster/better team. Thankfully for the Americans, we got a goal with just over a minute to go in the second period. I think it was huge for the psyche of team USA to go into the second intermission down 3-2 instead of 3-1. The Americans looked like a completely different team in the third period. They tied the score after only a minute and a half in the third period... and then it was only a matter of time before the USA wore down Finland. I mentioned before that the US team was obviously bigger than Finland... and I think they started to wear the Fins down. In the third period, the US had much more space, they had better scoring opportunities, and they were able to do whatever they wanted with the puck. For example, the goal which turned out to be the game winner, was a goal-to-goal skate by Angela Ruggiero. She took the puck behind her own goal and skated the entire length of the ice to score. That goal opened up the flood gates, and the US got three more goals in the next five minutes. Those three goals almost looked like exhibition play--break-aways, hard wrist shots, tons of skating and passing room. I almost feel bad for Hassinen, the Finnish goaltender... who had played absolutely brilliantly before the third period (when her defensemen broke down). She actually easily outplayed the American goalie, Gunn, until that third period. But the Americans did win, they'll play Sweden Friday... and will--hopefully--play team Canada for the gold when that golden game comes.
PERSONAL CrazyJohn: Right Of Way Inspector
As I was walking to a Valentine's lunch with Chelsey, I saw an Illinois Department of Transportation van. This van had something very interesting written on it--the van displayed this: "Right of Way Inspector." I was so taken aback by it's candor I laughed out loud. Right of way inspector? That almost sounds as made up as Jim and my "Symmetry major" at Albion. "This and this are the same. This does not look like that," we'd say. But this Right of way inspector smacks of the same thing: "You got to this intersection first. You are walking and can therefore go first." I mean, the candor I spoke of earlier relates to the balls it takes to create such a position. Is the economy that bad that we have to create fake jobs like a "Right of Way Inspector"? And, if it really is a job, isn't there a better word for whatever it is that the person does? Personally, I think it sounds like the kind of job I want. Do you think I could get hired with my degree in Symmetry?
PERSONAL A First On The L
After my Valentine's lunch with Chelsey, I headed back to my apartment via the Brown line train. As I reached the Lake L stop, I saw that the Brown Line train was just entering the station. I figured I'd try to run up the stairs, over the platform, and down the stairs to the other side... just in case I could make this train. Hey, you never know when the next train will be there. And it's so annoying when you see a train leave and then you have to stand and wait ten minutes for the next train. So, you can see why I wanted to run to see if I could make this particular train. As I'm approaching the train, coming down the stairs, I see that the doors are still open because a woman is trying to get her children onto the train. I figure that the conductor is watching that particular door, so that's where I head. And... I make it! Hooray! This is not the first to which the title referred. The "first" was what happened when the train started moving. As the train moves, and banks slightly to the left, one of the kids that was taking so long to get on the train was saying something. You know how kids don't understand yet how to be quiet enough that everyone doesn't hear them? So I think this kid thought he was talking to himself, but everyone heard him say: "Please don't fall off train." At first I thought he was trying to tell himself not to fall off the train, but then I realized he was asking the train not to fall off the tracks. And it wasn't a simple statement... he was repeating it the whole time the train banked: "Please don't fall off train. Please don't fall off train. Please don't fall off train. Please don't fall off train." I couldn't help but smile... mostly at how embarrassed the mother must have felt. That's funny to me. And then the train crashed. And I died.
It's not true.
No, it is true.

SPORTS *Cough* *Sneeze* I've Got Olympic Fever!
So much so, in fact, that I will watch Italy play Sweden in hockey. Oh, excuse me, WOMEN'S hockey. I actually fibbed a bit... I don't have Olympic fever... I just love women's hockey. It is one of the few women's sports that I'll watch whenever I can find it. I don't know what it is about women's hockey... but I love it. I'll scour the Olympic schedule to find hockey, secretly planning around watching women's games. If/When team USA plays against team Canada in Women's Hockey... it'll be one to watch, for SURE! Both teams are currently 2-0, both teams haven't allowed a goal so far, and both teams have scored over a dozen goals so far (Canada has score 28 in two games!). We're basically talking about two juggernauts meeting--what would be (because of the pooling)--for the gold. As such, don't bother trying to contact me during the gold medal game... I'll be busy.
Commercials First "Annual" Annoyies!
I mentioned a few commercials from the Superbowl, but thought there are other commercials on TV which are worth noting. I understand that some small or new companies ad campaigns are built on being so horribly annoying that one can't help but remember their commercials and, thereby, their products. But here is a small collection of advertising campaigns that just don't get it, that are annoying when they don't need to be, and that have inspired me to create an award just for them--The Annoyies:
The commercial that started this particular post--and is already an Annoyie Hall Of Vexer--is the Mama McNabb/Campbell's soup campaign. When this campaign started with Reggie White and his "mom" (an actress back in those days), it was fresh, new, and cute. Now, with the McNabb's, this campaign is starting to show its age. Not only are these commercials uninspired and boring, they are--at worst--the most annoying commercials on TV. In particular the "Eat up those big chunks of steak" commercial, because that line is said with the same inflection that one would say "Go ahead and touch yourself." The line comes out eerie, especially since the mom is whispering it into Donovan's ear. This is also the commercial where "Mama McNabb" is screaming from the sidelines for Donovan to "Run that way! Throw the ball! Throw the ball!!!" and the cacophony that is her voice absolutely pierces your soul. Congratulations Campbell's Soup, Hall of Vexer!
Another ad campaign which is an instant Hall of Vexer is anything created by Vontage. When their commercials first came out, we all were okay with their uber annoying background song because they had video of kids throwing bats through glass windows or sawing a tree which landed on their car and we would laugh through the annoying song. But now... there's nothing to laugh at, as their commercials have become stupid (They can't change the world, and look! they have nudist neighbors! Oh that's so funny. No? Not funny? Abstract and sophomoric? Fair enough). All we hear now is that song which sticks into your head and makes you want to kill Vontage users for supporting the people who created that song. Congratulations Vontage, Hall of Vexer!
Speaking of annoying phone company songs (didn't think that was a category, did you?), have you seen the new Verizon commercial? It's not a campaign, it's just a commercial to tell us that, if you want a phone, you'd better be "Urgent" about it. Yes, I refer to that commercial where the guy is singing "Urgent! Gumma fax, maka Urgent! Urgent!" I don't think he knows the words and I'm wondering if that's supposed to be funny. All this ad ends up doing, however, is sticking an annoying song in my head with incorrect lyrics. And, to add to everything, you've got this extreme close-up on his face, his dumb haven't-shaved-in-days-and-aren't-I-attractive face... and it makes me want to punch him. So Congratulations Verizon, Winner of Annoyie for Worst New Commercial!
And, since we've gotten ourselves into the categories, let's talk about sounds. There is a local commercial for Lasik eye-surgery, but this could go to any commercial with this sound in it. The Lasik commercial is about how much time the average person spends per day putting in contact lenses (Point being that with Lasik, they'll never have to waste that time again). But this commercial starts, the very first second the commercial is on, with an alarm clock buzzer going off. It starts with "BAH BAH BAH!!!" which is about twice as loud as it needs to be. And, if this commercial is right after an actual show program (which is quieter than the commercials to begin with), it's beginning is jarring. It can/will actually wake you out of being awake. Congratulations Unknown Lasik commercial, Winner of Annoyie for Sound!
And, finally, here is a topical category. For almost a month, we've been inundated with Valentine's Day commercials. The worst of all of them is a Zales commercial. In the background the song sounds like they're saying "Yo Yo Ma." What Chelsey tells me is that the song is actually a famous oldies song, and they're singing "For your love." This one is annoying because of the song, but also because of the pure volume of times it runs. I've actually seen a commercial break which consisted of this commercial, another commercial (a Mama McNabb one, of all things), and then this commercial AGAIN! The amount of times I saw/heard this commercial in the past week give this one a special Annoyie. Congratulations Zales, Winner of the Annoyie for Overkill of a Topical/Time-Sensitive Ad Campaign!
Honorable Mention in this category: Russell Stover's "Women love chocolate" commercials. In both commercials (there's one with men talking about how women love chocolate and one with women doing the same) there is someone who pronounces it "Jocklet." Check it out. Annoys the urine out of me.
TV What Happened To My Numb3rs Show?
For the first time in months I was able to watch my Friday night show, Numbers, this past Friday night. The show used to be a buddy-buddy show between the math brother and the FBI brother. I loved the dynamic of the show... it made me say "Aww... they're different but still so much the same." Now I haven't seen that show in months, but when I saw it Friday, I thought "Oh... Another CSI clone." That thought is sad... but it's what the show has become. The show now centers around the FBI brother and his "team" of Feds... and the math brother is just kind of there to figure it all out at the end. I still enjoy the show (however unrealistic the mathematics are), but it's ridiculous to see something that was as original as Numbers become another mindless cop-show copycat.

PERSONAL Booking Agency: Scam Or Big Time Scam--You Decide
A friend of mine who worked at Coldstone with me is now a talent scout for a booking agency. Last week, she gave me a website and a "code" to get started. I went to the website, uploaded my headshot and a few acting resume items, and seemed to be all set. Then something odd happened... they asked for my credit card number and information. The reason they asked for that information is that, when an actor receives and accepts a booking request, the actor must pay $5. It doesn't matter if the actor is hired... the $5 is still paid from the actor to the agency. I figured this wouldn't be a big deal, as I wouldn't accept more than one or two. So, having completed the forms, and less than 24-hours later, I started receiving booking requests by the truckload. A problem arose from me having to read through the dozens of bookings, some of which OBVIOUSLY weren't for me (am I an in-shape mother who wants to host a fitness show? am I a hip-hop diva?). The bigger problem is that I saw something on Craigslist about how this particular agency is a scam. Not only could they take my credit card info, but they have a history of not paying the actors for the jobs they take. So, what do you think, kids? Scam or Big Time Scam? Addendum: I have recently cancelled my account. Just in case!
PERSONAL My Parents Try To Understand Me Through Dave Chappelle
I called my folks this weekend and they were watching Inside The Actor's Studio with Chappelle as the guest. My dad seemed very interested in the show... so I started watching it too, from Chicago. And then, when Dave was talking about being on stage being the only time he truly felt adult... and the audience were his true friends that held him up at times, I started wondering if my parents were watching the show to get a better understanding of me. I mean, I've never really thought about it until now, but I wonder if it's hard for my parents to understand why I want to entertain--to be on stage--as much as I do. It's selfish and naive of me to not think that maybe, just maybe, my parents don't understand this "stage thing" that I do. To me, it's so simple... it's so clear... it seems so natural to do, but maybe it doesn't always make sense to the people who are closest to me. Could it be that my mom doesn't understand why I don't want a computer job that will financially secure me and my family for years? I don't know... but I owe it to them to explain as much of my reasoning as I understand. So there.
PERSONAL Jobless? Ha! My Girlfriend And I Average 1.5 Jobs, Bitch!
Basically because Chelsey now has three jobs. She has her bank day job, the one that makes all the monies. And, recently, she was just given a couple of night jobs. She was given an opportunity at The Second City to work as the TD for night shows. It basically consists of doing lights and sound for a Skybox show... but it's a fabulous opportunity to get her foot in the door of The Second City. Plus it's a good resume builder for her because it's an opportunity to do lights and sound in Chicago. Additionally, she was just asked to stage manage for the Chicago Jewish Theatre. Before you go, "What?" let's just say that Chelsey successfully networked when she got to Chicago and it's already paying off. I'm very proud of her... and I'm happy for her since she seems as excited about these opportunities as she's been since she moved here. And I'm excited that she's excited. It's exciting.

PERSONAL Lindsey, The Talking Sausage
Tuesday afternoon, I was walking back from having lunch with Chelsey, when I saw three costumed people standing on a street corner (a street corner which I was approaching). As is my gameplan against panhandlers, I approached and ignored... looking straight ahead. But I heard one of them say "... in a show with my friend Heather" and so I turned to see if I knew this person and... I did. It was Lindsey, a friend of the Heather I've done two shows with in the skybox, wearing a sausage costume. She was standing on the corner with a man dressed as a baby, and another person dressed as a bird in a cage, for CareerBuilder.com. The promotion/pitch goes something like this "Don't let it happen to you. Get a better job than I've got." It was actually hilarious once I heard the pitch... it just looked funny to have a sausage, baby, and caged-bird on a street corner. So I stood there and hugged a giant talking sausage... then she and I talked for a couple of minutes and she let me cross and I let her go back to creeping people out in a giant sausage costume. As I crossed the street, I overheard a guy saying how hilarious the promotion was, but that the "baby" had it made. "You get fed and sleep... I'll take the baby's job."
PERSONAL Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinoooooooo!!!
Tuesday night I went to a free event at The Second City. Norm had invited his friend and one time colleague Dino S. (names have been changed to protect the innocent) to speak to students about his experiences as a writer in the "biz." Now Dino was one of the writers on one of my favorite shows (and easily my favorite sketch show) of all time--Mr. Show with Bob and David. He has a new project as part of Cartoon Network's Adult Swim--Moral Orel. We were shown three episodes of the show and it's hilarious. It's about a boy, Orel, who wants to do things the right way... the way he thinks God would want him to do things. But Orel gets confused and ultimately does funny things. The show is moral and ethical, even if it is seemingly blasphemous towards certain religions (read: Christianity). It's actually an amazingly intellectual view on the difference between religion and morality. Regardless, Dino looks like the lead singer of System of a Down and it was fun to hear from him. The was another guy who was there, who I'll call Nick. He was in charge of putting Orel on Adult Swim... and he basically fell into his job. It made me really jealous... but also gave me hope that I might be able to be in the right place at the right time, just like he was. I hope so... because I'm awesome.
PERSONAL A Mocha Frappacino: The New Crack
On Monday, I met up with my friend Jenny from my improv class. We discussed and rehearsed a scene she had written that she wanted me to be in with her. It's a hilarious scene... and I feel very thankful that she wanted me specifically to be in it. Regardless, we went to Starbucks *cue evil music* afterwards. She said coffee was on her--anything I wanted. I don't know Starbucks very well (or any coffee place, for that matter). But I have recently realized that I like the bottled mocha frappacino thing that Starbucks sells. So I told Jenny that I like mocha/chocolate taste... and I told the worker woman that I'd like her to make it a "frappy kinda cino thing" which made her laugh. But I had this drink and it was so damn good: Chocolatey with a not-so-overpowering coffee flavor. Yum yum... and I actually went out of my way to get another one on Tuesday. At $4 a piece... this is probably not a good habit to start. Someone intervene!
FOOTBALL Where Is Favre Going?
There have been a couple stories about Favre going around lately. Most of the stories have Favre leaving the Packers to go play for Miami or Kansas City or someplace that isn't Green Bay. Honestly, we've seen this kind of thing before, where a great player leaves the team on which he was great so that he can play another season or two--Joe Montana to Kansas City, Jerry Rice to all over, Emmett Smith to Arizona, Bruce Smith to Washington, OJ to San Fran, and so on. It seems to be a trait most attributed to quarterbacks though, like Montana (Niners to Chiefs), Van Brocklin (Rams to Eagles), Unitas (Colts to Chargers), Tarkenton (Vikings to Giants), and Namath (Jets to Rams) to name a few. As such, there is a precedence for this sort of thing... and Niners fans don't hate Montana for leaving/Jets fans don't hate Namath for leaving, but I have a feeling that Packers fans would feel betrayed if Favre left. I don't know that they're mature enough. Mature isn't the right word... but the Packers fans very much have their hearts on their sleeves... and would be noticeable emotionally hurt if Favre wanted to leave Green Bay. My personal feelings? If Favre wants to play for another championship, he needs to leave. Green Bay is probably a decade away from another championship run... and at least a few years away from being able to even make a playoff run. Where do I think he should go? *shakes head* I don't know. Miami seems to be at the forefront of places that make sense. On the other hand, there are places that would kill Packers fans... like Dallas. Don't go to Dallas, Brett. We know where you live.
FOOTBALL NEWS Kornheiser To Head To MNF Booth
ESPN has announced the Monday Night Football crew for next season: Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann, and Tony Kornheiser. Who does this leave off? Al Michaels, who has been with ABC since 1976 (Hint: before I was born and, therefore, as long as I've ever known him). Michaels will be heading to NBC next season, and I think will be the play-by-play announcer for the Sunday Night Games... which will be on NBC next year (Madden is moving to NBC as well). Well, what do I think of the Monday Night crew? Let's start with the obvious. I've heard Theismann do Sunday night games and I enjoy him very much. I've also heard Tirico do play-by-play for sporting events (the Michigan/Nebraska bowl game comes to mind) and he's very solid. Fair, honest, and knowledgeable... Tirico is quiet good. Now the wild card: Kornheiser. I love Tony on PTI... I love that show. Everything they do on that show is great. Here's the problem I have with Kornheiser: he is a "star" whore. If you were to get a game with two teams without big name stars, what is Tony going to talk about. I mean, he is a Kobe man... and people who like Kobe Bryant DON'T like teams. Additionally, Tony likes to run PTI his way. Wilbon is great, don't get me wrong... but it's Tony's show and Tony does what he wants. I have reservations about Tony in an environment that he doesn't control. I keep hearing the Kornheiser is the closest personality to Howard Cosell that's out there... and MNF is looking for a Cosell-replacement. So, if Tony can resurrect Cosell, looks like everything will work out swimmingly for ESPN. Congrats to the new MNF crew.

PERSONAL Disappointment Station
Monday night was supposed to be my first 45-minute sketch set with my Conservatory class. The reason I say "was supposed to be" and not simply "was" is that our class shows need 25 tickets sold by 7:45 PM or else there is no show. And, guess what? If you said "you didn't have a show because you didn't sell 25 tickets by 7:45 PM" than give yourself a gold star for the day. So I didn't have the show Monday I was supposed to have. Needless to say, I was very disappointed. I don't think that my class was necessarily ready for this performance... and it would have been good for my class to experience that level of failure, frankly. The improv seems to have come to us pretty easily... and I would like us to realize as a class that 45-minutes of sketch is hard. A performance like that is going to be HARD... and we need to practice. We NEED to rehearse for it... and I don't think that my class is really all that "into" rehearsing outside of class. And, unfortunately, for this reason I feel like my class is not going to stay together unless we're only doing improv. Unless we can get together, perform, and then leave our separate ways... my class will not stay together. I think that's sad... since we're talented as a class, but if talent alone could stick people together how many bands would still be together? Oh well, hopefully we'll have an actual show next Monday night.
VIDEO GAMES Half-Life 2 FULL Of Life
A couple of weeks ago, I rented Half-Life 2 from GameFly. It is, by far, the best first-person shooter I've ever played. The environments are enormous (lots of loading screens!), and the level design is the most 3D oriented--and by that I mean you have to really look down and up to see where to go next--of any game in any genre I've ever played! I mean, for example, at least half of the game happens after you've already cleared an area of enemies. Once all the enemies are gone, you find yourself looking around saying "Now where the hell am I going next?" Honestly, I find myself sometimes sitting, playing the game with my mouth wide open... I'm just sitting there with my mouth open?!... trying to figure out where I'm going and how I can get there. The game is as beautiful as it is gory... and can I say how much I love "rag-doll" physics? It's awesome! The physics in this game are incredible! It's a very smart game (with the physics and the level design)... but I honestly don't think I'll buy it. I know I'm beaming about it right now... but one of the best reasons for buying a shooter is that you can play it with other people. I think, if (read: when) we see Half-Life 3 on the NexGen consoles (XBox 360), it will have a co-op option--which is my favorite part of first-person shooters. Half-Life 2 is an amazing game... but, besides the amazing 1 player mode (which I've played for almost 10 hours and am still not done), this game won't have much replay-ability. So go out and rent HL2, be blow away by it, and return it when you're done.