Sign Of The Impending Apocalypse

As the NHL deadline approached, I was pleased to think that my Red Wings weren't making any desperate attempt to add a veteran player to help us during the final push towards the playoffs. And then, when I woke up this morning, I heard probably the worst news I could have ever imagined: my Red Wings traded for right winger Todd Bertuzzi. I think the most horrifying thought is that Bertuzzi wasn't added as a free agent, the Wings actually WANTED this guy... they actively traded FOR him.

Why do I hate Bertuzzi so much? I suppose it started in the playoff series between Detroit and Vancouver in, um, 2002? I'm not sure which year it was... but it was during the playoffs, and Bertuzzi and Chris Chelios had an epic back-and-forth-type battle. It was then that I realized that Bertuzzi (at 6'3" around 250 lbs) is basically a large thug. There is no finesse to Bertuzzi, as this moron would try to skate through a brick wall rather than skating around it. That was fine when Bertuzzi was young, but (at 32) he's having some injury problems (back surgery has benched him since the fall).

To further prove Bertuzzi is a Neanderthal, I submit the Steve Moore incident. Please allow me to use someone else's words (Wiki's paragraph on the incident) because I frankly get too upset to write coherently: "During another Vancouver-Colorado game three weeks after the Naslund hit, on March 8, 2004... Late in the third period, Bertuzzi began following Steve Moore down the ice attempting to instigate a fight. When Moore ignored him, Bertuzzi punched Moore in the side of the head. Bertuzzi grabbed hold of Moore's jersey before "driving him headfirst into the ice." At this point, Moore's Colorado teammates retaliated against Bertuzzi, jumping on the prone Moore and Bertuzzi. Moore suffered three fractured vertebrae in his neck, a grade three concussion, vertebral ligament damage, stretching of the brachial plexus nerves, and facial cuts."

In Bertuzzi's defense (oh GOD! I have to defend this asshole??!!), Moore had injured Bertuzzi's Captain Markus Nasland in the two teams' previous meeting... Moore did give Nasland a concussion in that game. But Bertuzzi basically ended Moore's career because he's a big, thuggish baby. Has Moore skated since the incident in 2004? Yes. Has he played NHL hockey? Not even close.

Bertuzzi is the one driving the guy's face directly into the ice. In case you didn't know.

Repercussions? Since 2004, Moore has sued the shit out of Bertuzzi: he was charged with Assault (pleaded guilty, by the way... as part of a plea-bargain); there was a lawsuit; there was a civil suit; there were angry words by me. I wouldn't mind if Moore got every penny Bertuzzi makes in the NHL for the rest of his career. The NHL suspended Bertuzzi for the rest of the season and playoffs (which amounting to a whopping 20 games... ooo, harsh) and he didn't play the next season (which was the strike season in which no one played). When the NHL came back from the strike, so did Bertuzzi. I remember when the incident happened, many sportswriters (including Mike Wilbon of PTI) thought Bertuzzi shouldn't be able to play again until Moore can play again. The ol' eye for an eye argument (Exodus 21:23-25 for those of you scoring at home)... and I felt it fit in this instance. Bertuzzi's hit was malicious and, frankly, criminal.

But now he's a Red Wing. We lose the beloved Captain Steve Yzerman this year to retirement and we get this f--kin' guy. Come playoff time I'll still root for my team... but I hope the Wings fans boo Bertuzzi every time he hits the ice. Detroit is better than an asshole like this guy... and, frankly, SHAME ON KEN HOLLAND for thinking we're not. So I'll ask a personal favor of Miss Laura Jeannine... please, please, PLEASE make "Boo Bertuzzi!" shirts for everyone you know in the Detroit area... and boo the shit out of that bitch every time he hits the ice.

The new face of the Red Wings!

Chief Illiniwek's Last Dance

Last night was the last time University of Illinois mascot, Chief Illiniwek, will be mascoting at a school function because of the, frankly, racist nature of having a Native American caricature as a mascot. But, you see dear children, I have already started down a slippery slope. While the caricature of Chief Illiniwek (and having white dudes dance around in face paint... in a Sioux costume, by the way) is racist, I don't feel that the school's nickname--The Fighting Illini--is, even though the 'fighting Illini' refers to a Native American tribe (the Illini being an Anglicanized version of the Native "Illiniwek" [oh... it all comes full circle]). The state name, Illinois, derives from this native people, and I actually kind of like the idea that the mascot of the state school would be the people from which the state was named (like the Virginia Royal Bastards, or the New York Stuffy-Shirts).

There is a larger issue here, not necessarily condensed into the College sphere. Specifically, professional sports teams who use Native American names and caricatures as mascots. The short list of offenders is not limited to a specific sport, though some are worse than others:

NFL


The Washington Redskins are BY FAR the worst team mascot offender in all of professional sports. The Redskins are not only racist, but they're basically a racial slur of the particular race that they're using as a mascot. This would be the same as the New Jersey Fightin' Wops or the Boston Drunken Micks... It's NOT cool.
The only possible course of action is for Washington's team to change its name. Fortunately for them, I have a number of wonderful possibilities, based specifically on their city. Firstly, as everyone knows, Washington D.C. is the capital of this great nation. We also all know that the name Capitals is taken by their hockey team, so it couldn't just be the Capitals. We also know that Washington has a very high homicide rate. I suggest a name change to the Washington Murder Capitals.
No good? Okay, one more. Washington has a number of famous monuments. How about the NFL team changes it's name to the Washington Penis Monuments?

The Kansas City Chiefs. While not as blatant as the Redskins, this team name could be considered offensive. However, like the University of Illinois now that Illiniwek is done, the Chiefs have no offensive personification of the mascot name. So while the Chiefs might be a no-no, at least they don't have a silhouetted Native American as their mascot. Or, worse, a cartoon caricature of a Native American. Just like...


MLB




The Cleveland Indians are clearly the worst offender in Major League baseball. What upsets me the most is that Cleveland's nickname could easily be changed. How about the Cleveland Rocks? Too close to the Colorado Rockies? Fine... but anything is probably better than this mascot. Even I'm offended by that cartoon face, smiling the big smile of early twentieth century racism.




The Atlanta Braves. Like the Kansas City Chiefs, I can't find anything specifically offensive about this team... 'braves' being a general term for any Native American warrior besides being an admirable adjective. Perhaps the Braves would be okay... if they didn't do that damn "Tomahawk Chop." Face it, Braves fans... you're being racist and looking/sounding pretty stupid at the same time. Stop it. And tell the Florida State people to stop with you. You look like morons when you do it. Seriously.




NHL


The Chicago Blackhawks. One of the original six in the NHL, the Blackhawks have had the same name and logo since their inception in 1926 (75 years, baby). But, since it is 2007, perhaps they should consider a less racial mascot (see photo). How about simply changing the image on all merchandise to that of a hawk who is black... and still keeping the name? Or we could scrap the name altogether and go with something a little more meaningful for those who live in Chicago. How about the Chicago Inconsiderate Drivers?
NBA

The NBA is probably the best American league not to use Native American caricatures. I only found one and it's not really upsetting or controversial anymore.



The Golden State Warriors. Originally referred to a Native American Warrior, though the original Native American mascot has been replaced by some... weird-looking... thing.



BORDERLINE RACIAL OFFENDERS:


NHL has a couple of teams that I'm borderline on whether or not they are a little racist. While the Montreal Canadians may be as harmless as the the New England Patriots or the South Dakota United Stations, but what about the Vancouver Canucks? I was told at an early age that Canuck was a slur for a Canadian. After looking it up on Dictionary.com, their definition for Canuck is "noun Slang: Sometimes Offensive. a Canadian, esp. a French Canadian." Is it cool to have a racial slang word as a mascot? Redskins isn't cool... why should Canucks be?
WHAT IS THAT?! A whale coming out of the letter "C"? HUH??!






What about teams like the Boston Celtics? They've mispronounced 'Celts' forever (check against them)... but they decided on Celtics because of the large Irish population in Boston (check for them). Is this image offensive? Not to me... and I'm more Irish than the mascot (who doesn't even have red sideburns... look at that jet black hair! Historically inaccurate!). Although, put a Guinness in his hand instead of a basketball and you've have the most horribly stereotyped Irish caricature ever.




And there's always The University of Notre Dame's Fighting Irish. Just look at that picture. I know that's what I look like when I stand still... but it's probably not, on the whole, accurate. I think one could probably be upset by Notre Dame but I'm Irish and I'm not complaning. Does that stop it from being racist? No. And maybe that's the problem. I suppose if we're going to take racism out of sports mascots, we had better take it out of everywhere. Possible mascot change for Notre Dame? The University of Notre Dame Golden Domers. No joke here... that would probably work.

Sir Charles

Charles Barkley on Dwight Howard:
"If I had a body like Dwight Howard, I'd go around the country beatin' the hell outta people."

Easy to see why he was Knighted.

FAT TUESDAY
For those non-Catholics out there (notice not "Recovering-Catholics"... that is me), today is Fat Tuesday. Today is the day before Lent begins, the day before Ash Wednesday. The way I have always understood Lent is that the 40 days of Lent represent the 40 days that Jesus spent fasting in the wilderness being tempted by the Devil... as such, we spend 40 days being tempted by whatever it is that we decide will tempt us best (that is, whatever we "give up").
Now the slight misnomer about Lent is that the Lent period is longer than 40 Days. Lent doesn't actually include the Sundays during Lent, and this Lenten period this year--from Ash Wednesday to Easter--is actually 47 days. Normally I continue to 'give up' whatever it is that I decide to 'give up' even over the Sundays in Lent.
Now, seeing as I have taken Fat Tuesday to mean Fat Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for the past two years... I'm going to give up "sweets" this year. If I could, I would love to give up eating altogether... but that's not going to work. Hopefully I can just give up the unnecessary fat from my diet and I'll start to slim down a bit. If this doesn't work, I'll stand in the sun until I melt like a candle. Doesn't work that way? I've never been smart.
Additionally, this Lent I will be finishing the novel I started last week. I bought a kit that supposes to help you finish writing a novel in one month. After a week of writing, I've already got about 9,000 words on 31 pages (roughly finishing up the 6th Chapter). I think this is a great idea for me... writing a novel or screenplay every Lent. It gives me clear starting and stopping points... and it's something constructive to do with that time period.
So I would like to wish everyone a Happy Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras! Eat as much as you possibly can today... do it for me.

Setting The Debate To Rest
I know this has been the question on everyone's mind and I just wanted to take the time to finally put it to bed. Okay, fine, here it is:

I'm Anna Nicole's baby daddy.

Phew. I'm glad that's off my chest. You don't know how much keeping that secret inside had bothered me at night... keeping me awake, thinking about my baby's dead, vapid, huge-breasted Texan mother.

Additionally: When did "baby daddy" become part of the American vernacular? Did American media forget how to articulate "father of her child" or "her child's biological father"? It's four words at most! We have 24-hour news channels covering the "news" of Anna Nicole's death and we're worried about the extra 1.2 seconds it takes to say two more words? Come on! It makes our media sound like complete morons (and like we really need help in that department).

The Last Minute
There's nothing like waiting until the last minute to talk about the Super Bowl. But, here I am, doing just that. Here are the teams (keeping in mind I've been forced to see Bears games all season):

The Bears Offense--Grossman does suck, we've had that checked out. But, if the Bears great run game gets going (a combination of the highly under-rated Thomas Jones, and the guy everyone on the Bears can't stand Cedric Benson)... then a quarterback who can throw the ball down the field, like Grossman, is perfect. The Bears offense could actually hurt the Colts defense if they can get the running game going. If Bob Sanders has to come down into the box to help with the run, then the deep ball is going to be available to Berrian. Key to Bears Offense: Pounding the football right up the gut. X-Factor: Thomas Jones.

The Bears Defense--The loss of Tommie Harris and Mike Brown cannot be emphasized enough. Yes, the Bears defense is still good... but with those two guys still on the field, the Bears defense was dominant. Since they're both gone, the Bears defense is a little vulnerable. Both the Bears' safeties (Todd Johnson and Rookie Danny Manning) are the weakness to this defense... meaning the tight ends of the Colts could have a field day. Fortunately for the Bears, they are very deep on the Corners... going four deep with Tillman, Vasher, R. Manning, and Hester. Those guys can match up well with the Colts wide receivers. A defense is best when it can make an offense one-dimensional. If the Bears can stop the run and force Peyton to beat them (oddly enough... that's what they want), then the Bears defense will dictate this game. Key to Bears Defense: Stopping the run. X-Factor: The Middle Linebacker responsible for following the running backs... oh, it's Brian Urlacher.

The Bears Special Teams--Much has been made of the record-breaking Devin Hester. Here's the thing with Hester... he's young and he'll try anything to make a play. This could mean fielding a punt inside the ten-yard line... this could mean reversing his field on a kickoff to try to get around the defense... but it WILL mean that he will do something stupid in this game. However, much like the 'Favre rule', if he makes one mistake, he'll make one spectacular play. If you watched the Colts/Pats game, you saw the Patriots kick returner Hobbs go crazy and bring the noise and the funk, giving the Pats great field position. If the Colts cover team is that vulnerable, Hester could give the Bears huge field position. On the other hand, as good as their punter, Brad Maynard, is... kicker Robbie Gould is unproven. We don't know how good Gould (pronounced "Gold"... which is wishful thinking on the family's part) can be. Key to Bears Special Teams: Playing Smart. X-Factor: Devin Hester.

The Colts Offense--Everyone knows how good Peyton is. But I worry, with the bye week, that Peyton is studying TOO hard. He may be over-thinking this game. So long as Peyton can keep focused... he'll be the Peyton we all know and love. However, Peyton can't win this game alone. If you watched the Colts/Pats game, you saw how the Colts can physically wear down a defense. If the Colts can run the ball and control the clock (like they did against the Patriots), then it won't matter how good the Bears defense is. The combination of Addai and Rhodes have to control the clock for the Colts to win this game. Addai may be a better pure runner, but Rhodes can catch the ball out of the backfield better, and is smarter/more experienced. Key to Colts Offense: Keep running the ball. X-Factor: Dominick Rhodes.

The Colts Defense--Everyone slammed the Colts D during the season. Then the Colts came out and shut down the Chiefs and the Ravens. Did Bob Sanders make that much of a difference? In short, yes. He is the heart of the Colts D... and he can stop the run by himself. Something you may not have thought about is the fact that the Colts defense is built to pressure the quarterback. And, if ever there was a QB to pressure in the Super Bowl, it is stupid stupid Rex Grossman. Grossman will throw at least one INT in this game... and the Bears will have to overcome his one or two mistakes. If the Colts D can actually stop the run, the Bears and Grossman won't have a chance. Key to Colts Defense: Stop the run. X-Factor: Bob Sanders.

The Colts Special Teams--Vinatieri is the single reason why the Colts shouldn't worry if the game is close. Vinatieri could make a 48-yarder in his sleep. I know you couldn't name the Colts kick returner if I paid you (Terrence Wilkins). Wilkins needs only catch the ball and fall down to do his job. Hunter "the Punter" Smith may have the hardest job of all special teamers. He has to make sure to avoid punting the ball to Hester in a way that allows Hester to work his magic. So long as Hunter can keep the ball from Hester, the Colts special team should be fine. Key to Colts Special Teams: Keep the ball from Devin Hester. X-Factor: Adam Vinatieri.

Overview--Anyone who thinks this is going to be a high-scoring game is way off base. This is going to be a grind. Perhaps the best offense will be the offense that plays the most relaxed. I don't know which team that will be, as I feel like both offenses are going to be tight (Grossman might play loosest because he doesn't know better. He is a stupid man). Grossman will throw a TD and a pick or two, Manning will throw a TD and a pick... and Thomas Jones will get a touchdown as well. Also, I think the Bears defense will bend and not break, forcing the Colts to kick multiple field goals. Three field goals, actually... including the game winner with no time left. Final score: 16-14 Colts. MVP? Could we see the first kicker MVP in Vinatieri? If not, the man Peyton threw the touchdown to... either Marvin Harrison or Reggie Wayne (whoever can go crazy on the Bears defense).

Sidenote: My least favorite player of all time, Michael Irvin, was elected into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this weekend. Which just goes to show that off-the-field issues, whether it's cocaine possession, marijuana possession, or firearm possession, does not affect your HOF eligibility. But, if you push-off on cornerbacks every play of your career... then maybe you'll make the HOF, if you're on a good team with a great running back, dominant offensive line and good defense. Irvin still sucks... and I hate listening to his annoying opinions on ESPN. Nice tie Michael... try buying one that isn't as wide as your head. (It's a very wide tie... and it's ugly) (I hate Steve Young, too... just thought you should know how disappointed I am with ESPN)