PERSONAL Happy Saint Patrick's Day... Time To Pretend YOU Are Irish
It's here again, kiddies: Saint Patrick's Day. If you know me, you know that I love this holiday as much as I hate those who bastardize it. By "those", I mean the people who celebrate St. Patrick's Day as if all it means to be Irish is to be drunk and wear green. Those people don't even know who St. Patrick is and, probably if asked, wouldn't even know with which religion St. Patrick is affiliated. For those people, a refresher: St. Patrick is the man whose legend grew because he supposedly chased the snakes from Ireland. While the idea of snakes in Ireland is confusing (maybe they just had a snake problem?)... "snakes" probably refers to Druids or some other religious sect whose symbol was a snake or serpent. Regardless of who it was, we are most probably talking about someone who became a Saint because he cleared Ireland of religious opposition so that Irish Catholicism could flourish. It can not be emphasized enough that this holiday, today, is not just an Irish holiday... it is specifically an Irish-Catholic holiday.

But this is a rant you've heard from me before. I'm going to take a different stance this year. For years, I've been pissed that people pretend to celebrate my heritage by getting shit-faced drunk and wearing shirts that instruct everyone to kiss them. But not this year... this year I'm going to try to take pleasure in the thought that for one day of the year... everyone wishes they had my sideburns. Or, at least, wishes their grandparents had large ears and told lengthy stories where they just talked on and on. Or wishes their grandfather told really long jokes whose punch-line came after such a confusing twist and turn-filled ride that you have no idea why it was funny... or even where he started. No? Everyone wishes that their parents made them go to church every Sunday when they were young, when all they wanted to do was go to Nate's and play football. Not it? Okay... on one day of the year, everyone wishes their great-grandparents faced signs or job postings that would actually be bold enough to say "No Irish Need Apply"... or wishes their great-great-great-grandparents had to leave their home and travel by the millions to America to survive a famine and British oppression... or they wish that their great-great-grandparents were the first poor, slum-living, spit-on, intensely-hated people in America, or wish they were descendents of the first "Americans" to enjoy the blunt end of racism. I still didn't get it? Okay okay okay... I've got it now... for one day of the year, everyone in this country wishes they were Irish. And no other ethnicity in this country can say that about any other day of the year. (Positivity!)

And why shouldn't everyone in America want to be Irish? The Irish built this country: It's speculated that as many as one-third of the American revolutionary war force were Irish; The "father" of the Navy in the U.S.--John Barry--was from Ireland; the man who designed the White House--James Hoban--was Irish, and he designed the White House after the Leinster House of Dublin, and he was the man who had it painted white after the British tried to burn it down in 1812; Andrew Jackson was a first generation American from Scotch-Irish decent... and his followers (the primarily Irish Jackson Democrats) coined the phrase Manifest Destiny (John L. O'Sullivan... look it up); AND THEN the Irish built the Erie Canal and the railroads which would meet up with the western-Chinese railroads... just to make sure that everyone could Manifest their own Destiny.

I'm fortunate enough to live in Chicago, a very Irish city... so there are actually Irish people, from Ireland, who live here. As such, I can take comfort in KNOWING that actual Irish are celebrating in this city, and I can pretend that everyone else I see (people who are obviously not Irish), has an Irish friend who has educated them on what today is all about. It's not just about Green Beer... It's about me being angry and you being forced to read about it. No, that's not it. I'm making this year, I'm making today, about Inclusion... anyone who wants to be Irish like me today is welcome to join me in a pub to hear a story about my grandfather, which I'll be sure to make as long and boring as his stories (sorry Grandpa... don't be mad from Heaven!).
(Word to the Wise... Green Beer looks like Green Kool-Aid. If you drink Green Beer with a full recognition that it is--in fact--green, you'll be disappointed. Green Kool-Aid tastes about 80,000 times better. I actually really want some Green Kool-Aid right now. Mmm...)

My family's from County Kerry... where's your Irish-family from? *points to Comments section*