Riddle Me This...
Hello people inside the internets. Let me walk you through a mental exercise. Picture a round food... pizza, cake, pie--anything round and edible will do. Now cut that aforementioned round food so that you may share and consume it. Let me ask you, dear reader, how were those pieces cut? Did you cut that round object into squares? NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID! So riddle me this, dear readers, why do pizza places in Chicago INSIST on cutting their pizzas into squares?!?! SQUARES... and it's a ROUND PIZZA! I can understand cutting a square pizza into squares, but a round one?! Ludicrous!
The specific square cut is called a "party cut" and is used to allow people to more easily share pizzas with large groups of people. However, when you're not sharing the pizza with anyone, it makes no sense. What brought this irritant to my attention was when Chelsey and I went to a local bar on a Saturday afternoon to have a leisurely lunch. We were killing some time in between two of Chelsey's time commitments up in Wrigleyville, so we decided to order a pizza and wait for it. The bar was NOT BUSY (we were one table of about three that were occupied) so our waitress knew that the pizza was going to only two people. Yet, when we got the pizza, there it was... cut into squares. How lame are square pizza slices? You get some slices with no crust, so the toppings and cheese flows all over your hands as you try to get it... and then you get four slices on the corners that are all crust and then one bite of the toppings. What moron decided that this was the most efficient way to slice a pizza? Why aren't there more people complaining about this? Now I have to make sure that when I order pizza in Chicago I have to ask for "not-square" slicing? Ahh... convenience.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
(This is a post I wrote about two months ago, but for some reason didn't publish until now)
It's Official: I Am Way Cooler Than You By, Like, A Lot
Last Saturday afternoon I was invited to a special pre-screening of a mystery movie. I would tell you how I was invited, but I'm not going to. Let's just say I'm awesome and I've got connections. Regardless, ALL I was told was that this movie was going to be a surprise to everyone, that it will be released later this summer, and that it is going to be rated PG.
Of course I spent much of the week leading up to the screening wondering what the movie could possibly be. I had my hopes (third Pirates movie?! third Shrek movie?!) and I had my fears (Fantastic Four: The More Action Figures to Sell Movie), but I was pretty sure they wouldn't keep the "The Nancy Drew Movie" a secret. Who wouldn't want to see that movie? When it goes straight to video? And will be in the bargain bin a few weeks later?
At any rate, the screening was scheduled for 4 PM with a check-in at 3:15. I was told to show up a little earlier than that, like 3, but I honestly didn't know how long it would take for me to get there... so I showed up early. WAY early. The fifth person in line--behind people related to one of the organizers and in front of a family of another organizer--early. My friends Evan and Lainie met me early enough that I wasn't standing around like a moron by myself (for very long). We were given passes (after telling them our ages) and ushered upstairs around 3:45. Waiting for us in front of the theatre was a bag-check station and two security people with metal detectors. No, they weren't looking for weapons (thank God! that would have been awkward... I don't know what I would have done in the theatre without my gat strapped!)... they were looking for recording devices and, yes, even camera phones (I'll just record an entire movie on my camera phone... perfect sound and picture clarity... right).
After making it through the check-point, the three of us were still one of the first groups into the theatre, and we had our choice of seats. I felt like we had perfect seats: majority of the screen at eye-level or below, middle of the row, far enough back not to be blown away by the sound.
The crowd filed in and time passed. LOTS of time passed. The 4 o'clock start time must have been a suggestion rather than a set schedule. The crowd began to get a little restless, and I noticed a lot of the people decided to send a representative from their group to get snacks (which is what we ended up doing). But eventually the crowd seemed settled, everyone was snack-ified, and a middle-aged gentleman grabbed a microphone and proceeded to speak excitedly into it. "Thank you all for coming out today," he started. "You are one of the first groups of people in the country to see..."
What do you think it was? Oh, if only I could make it that easy for you. I want you to beg for it. No! Don't just scroll down! Oh fine! I'm not exactly sure if I can say the title. I CAN say that I saw the fifth movie in a seven-part series, and that I anxiously await the seventh book which is coming out this summer. Yes, that's right. I saw THAT movie!
Anyone who has read the books knows how frustrating, dark, and annoying the fifth book in the series is. I have even heard a couple of people argue that they should have stopped making movies after the fourth one... citing the DARK and adult (not like that) tones of the fifth and sixth books.
It should be noted, then, that this movie has a much lighter tone than the book. While the reader follows the protagonist as he feels isolated and frustrated throughout the book... there isn't time, and there isn't a tone to the movie that allows the observer the same level of frustration and anger. The fifth book in the series is the longest (actually by far) in the series and, as such, the book has a LOT of plot to cram into the Hollywood friendly movie-time restrictions. The depth the book goes into is NOT there in this movie... but, perhaps for this book, that's a good thing.
This book includes a new character who wields a lot of power in the world of our heroes... and she is easily the character I hate the most in the entire series. She forces the hero to feel alone and frustrated at every turn--hiding her pure, malicious evil behind a false smile--and even tortures our hero at one point. There is no one in the book series who I would rather see die than her. Having said that, I actually really enjoy the performance by the actress who plays this character. She's, oddly enough, almost funny in the role. And, with that situation controlled in the movie, it's a lot easier for me to not be so angry and frustrated watching the movie as I was reading the book.
While not all of the special effects are finished yet (imagine a "wand battle" with two actors just holding sticks at each other... exciting? No. Hilarious? Yes), I can already tell that the final battle of the movie between the powers of good and evil should be cool.
Will I go see this movie again? You betcha! And I actually recommend it to all those haters who (like myself) would rather not read the fifth book in this series ever again. I might actually re-read the book so long as I can implant the actors into my mental picture as I'm reading along.
Yes, regardless, all the fans of this series should please go see this movie in July when it comes out. I don't think you'll be disappointed... particularly if you hated the book (like I kind of did), you'll be pleasantly surprised by the movie.
It's Official: I Am Way Cooler Than You By, Like, A Lot
Last Saturday afternoon I was invited to a special pre-screening of a mystery movie. I would tell you how I was invited, but I'm not going to. Let's just say I'm awesome and I've got connections. Regardless, ALL I was told was that this movie was going to be a surprise to everyone, that it will be released later this summer, and that it is going to be rated PG.
Of course I spent much of the week leading up to the screening wondering what the movie could possibly be. I had my hopes (third Pirates movie?! third Shrek movie?!) and I had my fears (Fantastic Four: The More Action Figures to Sell Movie), but I was pretty sure they wouldn't keep the "The Nancy Drew Movie" a secret. Who wouldn't want to see that movie? When it goes straight to video? And will be in the bargain bin a few weeks later?
At any rate, the screening was scheduled for 4 PM with a check-in at 3:15. I was told to show up a little earlier than that, like 3, but I honestly didn't know how long it would take for me to get there... so I showed up early. WAY early. The fifth person in line--behind people related to one of the organizers and in front of a family of another organizer--early. My friends Evan and Lainie met me early enough that I wasn't standing around like a moron by myself (for very long). We were given passes (after telling them our ages) and ushered upstairs around 3:45. Waiting for us in front of the theatre was a bag-check station and two security people with metal detectors. No, they weren't looking for weapons (thank God! that would have been awkward... I don't know what I would have done in the theatre without my gat strapped!)... they were looking for recording devices and, yes, even camera phones (I'll just record an entire movie on my camera phone... perfect sound and picture clarity... right).
After making it through the check-point, the three of us were still one of the first groups into the theatre, and we had our choice of seats. I felt like we had perfect seats: majority of the screen at eye-level or below, middle of the row, far enough back not to be blown away by the sound.
The crowd filed in and time passed. LOTS of time passed. The 4 o'clock start time must have been a suggestion rather than a set schedule. The crowd began to get a little restless, and I noticed a lot of the people decided to send a representative from their group to get snacks (which is what we ended up doing). But eventually the crowd seemed settled, everyone was snack-ified, and a middle-aged gentleman grabbed a microphone and proceeded to speak excitedly into it. "Thank you all for coming out today," he started. "You are one of the first groups of people in the country to see..."
What do you think it was? Oh, if only I could make it that easy for you. I want you to beg for it. No! Don't just scroll down! Oh fine! I'm not exactly sure if I can say the title. I CAN say that I saw the fifth movie in a seven-part series, and that I anxiously await the seventh book which is coming out this summer. Yes, that's right. I saw THAT movie!
Anyone who has read the books knows how frustrating, dark, and annoying the fifth book in the series is. I have even heard a couple of people argue that they should have stopped making movies after the fourth one... citing the DARK and adult (not like that) tones of the fifth and sixth books.
It should be noted, then, that this movie has a much lighter tone than the book. While the reader follows the protagonist as he feels isolated and frustrated throughout the book... there isn't time, and there isn't a tone to the movie that allows the observer the same level of frustration and anger. The fifth book in the series is the longest (actually by far) in the series and, as such, the book has a LOT of plot to cram into the Hollywood friendly movie-time restrictions. The depth the book goes into is NOT there in this movie... but, perhaps for this book, that's a good thing.
This book includes a new character who wields a lot of power in the world of our heroes... and she is easily the character I hate the most in the entire series. She forces the hero to feel alone and frustrated at every turn--hiding her pure, malicious evil behind a false smile--and even tortures our hero at one point. There is no one in the book series who I would rather see die than her. Having said that, I actually really enjoy the performance by the actress who plays this character. She's, oddly enough, almost funny in the role. And, with that situation controlled in the movie, it's a lot easier for me to not be so angry and frustrated watching the movie as I was reading the book.
While not all of the special effects are finished yet (imagine a "wand battle" with two actors just holding sticks at each other... exciting? No. Hilarious? Yes), I can already tell that the final battle of the movie between the powers of good and evil should be cool.
Will I go see this movie again? You betcha! And I actually recommend it to all those haters who (like myself) would rather not read the fifth book in this series ever again. I might actually re-read the book so long as I can implant the actors into my mental picture as I'm reading along.
Yes, regardless, all the fans of this series should please go see this movie in July when it comes out. I don't think you'll be disappointed... particularly if you hated the book (like I kind of did), you'll be pleasantly surprised by the movie.
Friday, April 06, 2007
And You Wonder From Where I Get It...
I had to share this story. It seems as though Ferris State University, the great enabler of my college educational monies, just recently won the Rube Goldberg competition. For those of you who don't know (a group which included me just half an hour ago), Rube Goldberg was a cartoonist, who created and drew elaborate machines to perform very simple tasks. Still don't know what I'm talking about? Sure you do, if you've ever seen Tom and Jerry or the Roadrunner cartoons (not the bowling ball!). How about all those elaborate traps the gang on Scooby Doo created to catch the ghosts? More recently (relatively speaking), how about Doctor Emmit Brown's elaborate dog-feeding machines in the beginning of Back To The Future? Or how Wallace and Gromit usually start their days, complete with a slide that changes their clothes and drops them into the kitchen where breakfast is already made?
Regardless, there is an actual competition where Universities compete to create these kind of machines. The previous record was held by those engineering marvels at Purdue. Purdue's machine took an amazing record--215 different steps--to shred five sheets of paper. I, on the other hand, can name that tune in three notes.
If you thought a 215-step process was good, then prepare to be astounded by Ferris' orange juicing machine. This year's winning machine from Ferris State makes a glass of orange juice using a 345-step process!!! They added one hundred and thirty steps to the previous record in just one year! Incredibly inefficient! Congratulations, kids.
I'm sure if you asked my parents (or Ken's or Nate's or Jason's) they would say that this inefficient team was surely headed up by the school's Administration. Talk about inefficiency! (zing)
I had to share this story. It seems as though Ferris State University, the great enabler of my college educational monies, just recently won the Rube Goldberg competition. For those of you who don't know (a group which included me just half an hour ago), Rube Goldberg was a cartoonist, who created and drew elaborate machines to perform very simple tasks. Still don't know what I'm talking about? Sure you do, if you've ever seen Tom and Jerry or the Roadrunner cartoons (not the bowling ball!). How about all those elaborate traps the gang on Scooby Doo created to catch the ghosts? More recently (relatively speaking), how about Doctor Emmit Brown's elaborate dog-feeding machines in the beginning of Back To The Future? Or how Wallace and Gromit usually start their days, complete with a slide that changes their clothes and drops them into the kitchen where breakfast is already made?
Regardless, there is an actual competition where Universities compete to create these kind of machines. The previous record was held by those engineering marvels at Purdue. Purdue's machine took an amazing record--215 different steps--to shred five sheets of paper. I, on the other hand, can name that tune in three notes.
If you thought a 215-step process was good, then prepare to be astounded by Ferris' orange juicing machine. This year's winning machine from Ferris State makes a glass of orange juice using a 345-step process!!! They added one hundred and thirty steps to the previous record in just one year! Incredibly inefficient! Congratulations, kids.
I'm sure if you asked my parents (or Ken's or Nate's or Jason's) they would say that this inefficient team was surely headed up by the school's Administration. Talk about inefficiency! (zing)
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
I'm Sorry... WHAT?!?
I don't know if you've seen this article or not, so I thought I would bring it to your attention (pointing to one person reading this blog). The title of the article itself is confusing, so I'll clarify it for you: Keith Richards: 'I snorted my father'. I thought it was a typo... but the story is actually exactly what the title makes it out to be. Apparently, Keith Richards (the geriatric guitarist of the Rolling Stones) decided it was far too tempting to have a cremated father lying around without mixing him with a little cocaine and snorting him up. To quote the article: "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared," he said. "... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."
WHAT?! Seriously, who does something like this? This goes so far beyond drug addiction that it can't even see normal drug addicts with binoculars. Who says to themselves "Man, I really need to snort my dad"? Perhaps the worst part is that now, after snorting his father, Keith Richards constantly smells Old Spice and fishing tackle.
What? Shouldn't end with an 'old men smell' joke? How about this one: Perhaps the worst part is that now, after snorting his father directly into his cranium, Richards can't get his father's voice out of his head. Richards goes on to say, "I keep hearing a voice that tells me I'll never do anything with myself if I keep playing the 'damn guitar'."
I don't know if you've seen this article or not, so I thought I would bring it to your attention (pointing to one person reading this blog). The title of the article itself is confusing, so I'll clarify it for you: Keith Richards: 'I snorted my father'. I thought it was a typo... but the story is actually exactly what the title makes it out to be. Apparently, Keith Richards (the geriatric guitarist of the Rolling Stones) decided it was far too tempting to have a cremated father lying around without mixing him with a little cocaine and snorting him up. To quote the article: "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared," he said. "... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."
WHAT?! Seriously, who does something like this? This goes so far beyond drug addiction that it can't even see normal drug addicts with binoculars. Who says to themselves "Man, I really need to snort my dad"? Perhaps the worst part is that now, after snorting his father, Keith Richards constantly smells Old Spice and fishing tackle.
What? Shouldn't end with an 'old men smell' joke? How about this one: Perhaps the worst part is that now, after snorting his father directly into his cranium, Richards can't get his father's voice out of his head. Richards goes on to say, "I keep hearing a voice that tells me I'll never do anything with myself if I keep playing the 'damn guitar'."
Monday, April 02, 2007
Grace Angelina
On last Thursday, March 29th, my sister gave birth to a healthy baby girl who they named after my paternal grandmother, Grace. She was seven pounds seven ounces... which means absolutely nothing to me, but people kept repeating her weight as if those are magical numbers. I'll tell you what a magical number is: One. As in I am now the number one uncle on the planet Earth. Eat it, Uncle Ben!!!
Both mother and daughter are fine even though Grace was born with the umbilical cord around her neck (apparently happens in 1 of 5 births! Staggering). She was the most alert baby that most of the staff had ever seen... constantly trying to figure out who these people were and what was going on. She also likes to lick things.
I was granted a grand total of ten minutes with just her and me (at least that's how it felt, as everyone else was making sure my sister was alright). She was upset that her mom wasn't around and then I started stroking her cheek... very softly, very gently, with one pointer-finger. Amazingly, this calmed her down. It was the most spectacular thing ever... so visceral, so immediate. There I was, making another human being feel safe and loved, and having her respond to it with such honesty and instinct. She wasn't being nice to me because I'm funny and nice and make her laugh... she was responding positively because I actually made her feel better. If only all my relationships with women were this easy.
Please keep mother and daughter in your thoughts and prayers... and hope there won't be a war waiting for her when she's 18.
This picture was actually taken with my cell phone. How lame is that? In my defense, my camera decided that, even though I had been charging the battery all day, it was going to die on me after about two seconds... so my phone was the only option I had. Here, my mom holds her new granddaughter... already thinking of ways to spoil this girl. I know a way I'm going to spoil her. Three words: Horse. Riding. Lessons.
On last Thursday, March 29th, my sister gave birth to a healthy baby girl who they named after my paternal grandmother, Grace. She was seven pounds seven ounces... which means absolutely nothing to me, but people kept repeating her weight as if those are magical numbers. I'll tell you what a magical number is: One. As in I am now the number one uncle on the planet Earth. Eat it, Uncle Ben!!!
Both mother and daughter are fine even though Grace was born with the umbilical cord around her neck (apparently happens in 1 of 5 births! Staggering). She was the most alert baby that most of the staff had ever seen... constantly trying to figure out who these people were and what was going on. She also likes to lick things.
I was granted a grand total of ten minutes with just her and me (at least that's how it felt, as everyone else was making sure my sister was alright). She was upset that her mom wasn't around and then I started stroking her cheek... very softly, very gently, with one pointer-finger. Amazingly, this calmed her down. It was the most spectacular thing ever... so visceral, so immediate. There I was, making another human being feel safe and loved, and having her respond to it with such honesty and instinct. She wasn't being nice to me because I'm funny and nice and make her laugh... she was responding positively because I actually made her feel better. If only all my relationships with women were this easy.
Please keep mother and daughter in your thoughts and prayers... and hope there won't be a war waiting for her when she's 18.
This picture was actually taken with my cell phone. How lame is that? In my defense, my camera decided that, even though I had been charging the battery all day, it was going to die on me after about two seconds... so my phone was the only option I had. Here, my mom holds her new granddaughter... already thinking of ways to spoil this girl. I know a way I'm going to spoil her. Three words: Horse. Riding. Lessons.
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