It certainly has been a while, hasn't it? I find that, in my times of crisis, writing has always helped me figure things out. Let's hope it can work its magic again tonight.

I currently feel quite overwhelmed. The deadline for application into Madison's Grad school programs (the whole reason I'm here) is rapidly approaching and I am scrambling to get everything together. There are tests to be taking, references to get, and financial aid to apply for... all within the next three weeks or so. I can't believe how long I've let it go without getting this stuff done... I thought I had grown past that phase in my life where I let deadlines approach without doing anything about them. The REAL stress is that the Creative Writing program here is only available to accept new students once every two years... which means if I don't make it this year--I probably won't ever (considering I can't imagine myself staying in Madison for two years if I don't get accepted to Grad school this year or next. What would be the point?).

Even as I plan out the next three weeks, I seem to be unable to get my head working as I've been ill for almost a week now. I actually seem to be getting worse as the days go on. A normal illness for me is a routine that I can almost set a calender to: first day-sore throat; second day-dry coughing/sore throat; third day-by far the worst, coughing/sneezing/runny nose/etc; fourth day-coughing gets 'wetter' and sneezing subsides; fifth day and on-coughing and runny nose until I feel better. This particular illness has stretched the normal days by two or three and I've just now gotten to the climax of the illness. It is my hope that I'll feel better tomorrow so that I can make the trip to Michigan for Thanksgiving... but there's a good possibility that I won't (neither feel better nor make the trip). That depresses me, as Thanksgiving has always been a holiday that my entire family makes the effort to get back together (Christmas can sometimes be all over the place... but Thanksgiving was always steady). I talked to my folks today who discouraged me from making the trip... and then proceeded to say that they would love it if I could make it.

To add to my stress, I cracked a crown on my tooth over a week ago. I just went in to see a dentist this morning, but my health/dental/etc benefits at work won't kick in until 90 days after I started. That means we're talking the end of January before I'll be eligible for some financial assistance. The dentist doesn't think we can wait that long without doing something, and the 'cheaper' part of the procedure is still going to cost me around $400. It also seems as if no one I work with knows anything about my benefits... or who I can talk to to find that information out.

To make matters worse, I recently got into a fender-bender of sorts... and now the right-rear fender on my car is cracked (plastic doesn't bend--it breaks! Hooray plastic! Hooray sarcasm!). With my car approaching 100,000 miles and also approaching a decade old, I'm not too keen to dump a few hundred dollars into getting a 'cosmetic' procedure done.

The icing on this cake is that I really can't talk to my parents about any of this. There is a long story here... but the short version is that their house had an insect problem and the fumigation has caused my parents to have serious allergic reactions whenever they go inside the house...to the point that they aren't living in it any more and may have to consider selling it soon. Needless to say, they have their own problems and have neither the time nor the money to help me.

When I have days like today when nothing seems to make sense--and it seems like from the time I wake up to the time I go back to sleep, I'm just trying to survive the day--it really gets me down. For someone who struggles with 'meaning' and deeper questions of existence... trying to justify having to live a life of daily survival (and 'survival' seems to diminish those who actually are in life-and-death struggles on a daily basis. Perhaps 'in a trance' is a better phrase for it) seems ridiculous! There has GOT to be something better out there. In the words of the immortal Vince Lombardi, "What the hell is going on out there?"

Also, it seems I have 'lost my funny' somewhere along the past year. Is it possible that I grew up and older me just isn't humorous? Must try to recapture hilarity in subsequent posts. Mental note to try to remember all good penis jokes.

Remembering the Good Ol' Days











Big changes are coming up for me... and for the blog, too. I just want to further prove how awesome Abi is, to let her husband spend the hours before their wedding by playing Halo.
Staff Sargent: They were planning on releasing Halo 3 with online multi-player... but it might not be available at launch. Looks like one of us is going to have to fly across the pond in September.

She Called Me Sir...

"Excuse me, sir?" she asked, as I held open the door to the Mobil Station for her and her brother, a Rockstar energy drink in one hand and a Dean's Chocolate Milk in the other. "Excuse me sir, are we in Iowa or Illinoise?" What immediately struck me--as her uneducated-sounding accent hit the end of Illinois so it sounded less like a state and more like a phat beat--was the odd placement of the question. I mean, here we were, not more than 15 miles from the Illinois/Wisconsin border on I-90 (an interstate that doesn't even go through Iowa) and she's asking me if she's in Iowa?

After responding, "Illinois," letting her and her younger brother walk past me into the station, the word hit me: "Sir" she called me. Was it the chocolate milk I was holding? Or the energy drink? Couldn't possibly be it. Was it my clothes? I was wearing shorts and a black polo, but that's certainly not something you see older gentlemen wearing to the country club (or is it?). Or was it her polite way of saying, "How did it feel to start losing your hair at 16?"; "How does it feel to be out of touch with the younger generation's music, language, and affinity for texting?"; "How did people listen to music before the iPod? With, like, rocks and stuff?"

Granted it wasn't the first time anyone had ever called me sir, but usually it is said by a peer in jest, or someone checking me into a hotel, or taking large amounts of my money electronically via credit. Something about this 15 year-old girl's sign of respect hit me too hard that day. Sir.

Glass half full: It IS a sign of respect, something I've long coveted and oft got. And it's not as if I'm a woman. What DO you call a woman to not disrespect her? "Ma'am" and "Madam" are out because they make a woman feel too old. "Miss" carries the complete opposite problem. "Mrs." is tricky because you never know whether the woman is married or not. "Ms." I find too hard to say and generally avoid for that reason. "Ms."... the 'z' hits the back of my teeth hard, closing my mouth and the flow of words from it.

Certainly no word is as clean, universal, and respectful as "Mister" or "Sir"... both easy to say and "sir" makes me feel a little like a knight, now that I think about it. So what IS the proper word to use with a woman? How did I get here? What does this have to do with me? I'm not sure. But it's good to know that, no matter how old I get, I'll still have useless yet thought provoking questions to ask in such a way as to receive no definitive answers ever and I'll end up saying a phrase my dad used to say when I'm older and have kids: "You know, when I die, I hope all of this will be explained to me."

The Packers Draft... Who?

With respect to the Packer's draft: Ted Thompson seems hell-bent on trying to find 'hidden gems' to the point that he's going to reach for, and take, players far before they need be drafted. I was happy when we (meaning the Packers... when I say "we" that's who I mean) traded down in the second round because I figured we wouldn't draft anyone worth drafting in that spot anyway... why not get another guy or two? I actually felt Thompson rotated between 'good-value' picks and 'reaching' picks.

Round 1. Pick 16. DT Justin Harrell, Tennessee-- Why reach for a guy who could very well have been around at pick 47 (our second round pick that we traded out of)? Particularly with so many glaring holes at other positions (WR, RB, TE, S), why take a player at a position that our team is actually fairly solid?! This pick made no sense to me and I would have been one of those people booing had I been in Green Bay. Who knows if he'll even start, behind Ryan Pickett, Colin Cole, and 'my boy' Cullen Jenkins? Sure he'll be rotated in, but do we really want to spend the sixteenth overall pick on someone who will be rotated in?

Round 2. Pick 63. RB Brandon Jackson, Nebraska -- one draft magazine said this Junior (he left Nebraska early) was the third best Running Back in the draft. Most other mags said he was the eight best RB overall... but all agree that he can learn to be effective, particularly in the kind of zone-blocking scheme that the Packers now run. A Nebraska running back with a 'fumbling' problem? Last time I heard this story it turned out pretty good (Hint: Ahman Green). Do I think he'll start? No... he'll backup Vernand Morency aka "The Big Who?".

Round 3. Pick 78. WR James Jones, San Jose State -- Some of the draft magazines don't even have this guy listed. The ones that do say he's slow but has 'moxie'. Does that sound like a guy we should spend a third-round pick on? (Hint: No) Why do I think they drafted him? "Experienced returning punts." The end.

Round 3. Pick 89. S Aaron Rouse, Virginia Tech -- The Packers need a safety to compliment Nick Collins, and this guy is 6'4" and hits like a truck. Some say that he tries to hit so hard that sometimes he completely misses... but doesn't he sound like every other safety we've ever had? (Chuck Cecil, Mike Prior, and Darren Sharper come to mind) Some mags say he has "first-round skills" but that his negative is that people don't know if he's a safety or a linebacker. That being said, most of the elite safeties in the league today are safety/linebackers who can rush the quarterback and stop the run. ESPN also says he'll bring as much to the locker room as he does to the field. For a late third-round pick... this guy's a steal!

Round 4. Pick 119. OT Allen Barbre, Missouri Southern State -- Another guy I sometimes have trouble tracking down because he's not even listed in some draft magazines. When I do find him, they say he's an amazing athlete but is "raw." For a position (O-line) that we actually have some depth, this might not be a bad pick, as our depth will allow him to become more polished... he's just not a guy I would take in the forth round.

Round 5. Pick 157. WR David Clowney, Virginia Tech -- As far as I can tell, THIS is the guy I want... not the guy we took in round three. Lightning fast and quick, with a silly fun-to-say last name. The strikes against him are that he needs to get stronger and that he struggles with under-thrown balls. Brett doesn't under-throw balls... and I can't see him not gaining some muscle when all pro players do all day is work-out and practice. They say he has third round talent, just didn't get to show it at Virginia Tech with sub-par quarterbacks. I could see him as the fourth or even third WR by year's end.

Round 6. Pick 191. ILB Korey Hall, Boise State -- Couldn't find this guy at all. He went to Boise State, so he's at least played a couple big games in his career... but, again, nothing.

Round 6. Pick 192. ILB Desmond Bishop, Cal -- Could find this guy. He went to Cal, and they say he's a run stopper. This makes sense because he's horribly slow and probably can't cover anyone in space. But at least he can tackle... which is apparently one of his biggest strengths. He won't start... but on situations where we know the other team has to run, they say he has great instincts and may be a valuable player.

Round 6. Pick 193. K Mason Crosby, Colorado -- The best kicker in the draft. Period. Everyone says so. It may be the Colorado air in which he kicked in college, but this guy has a huge leg. At the very least, he'll make one hell of a kickoff specialist. For a sixth round pick, what a steal this guy is.

Round 7. Pick 228. RB DeShawn Wynn, Florida -- Big, slow, bruising back who they say could only excel in a zone-blocking system (which is what we run). His problems seem to be character, so I'm surprised we picked him. However, what harm does it do if a seventh round pick doesn't make the team? (Hint: None)

Round 7. Pick 243. TE Clark Harris, Rutgers -- A 6'5" tight end that they say is most like Bubba Franks of everyone in the league. He, apparently, can't catch the deep ball... but excels on short routes (like goal-line and short-yardage plays). If all they're doing here is replacing the useless Bubba Franks with a similarly useless Tight End, I'm fine with it... since it's only a seven round pick. My hatred and disdain for Bubba Franks is legendary... all I can say is that I'm sorry I don't like a guy you have to impale with the ball for him to catch it.

All in all, I give this draft a C-. I don't think we picked up a starting Running Back, we don't have a strong second/third Wide Receiver (who won't get injured), we didn't address a starting Tight End need or third Cornerback. I didn't flunk the Packers because I think we'll get at least two, maybe three, starters out of this group (Rouse, Crosby, and maybe Clowney [as the third Wide Receiver])... and maybe Harrell will start at DT, but will definitely rotate in and out of the game. But, all in all, I was not impressed. I, personally, would have been tempted to draft Quinn in the first round, since Rodgers only proved he can break his leg in his first action as NFL QB. If not Quinn, CBs Leon Hall from Michigan or Aaron Ross from Texas might have been good (since we needed a third CB) or TE Greg Olson from Miami who we'll be able to see twice a year on the Bears. Hell, I might have even traded out of the first round if I could get a 2 and a 5 or something similar. I might have even reached for a WR or Running Back who shouldn't go as high as 16, just to get that need out of the way.

In summation, I'm not impressed. Boo to my team.

Paperless Transactions... Thanks For Nothing?

I'm sure all of my readers are aware that the newest rage in billing is to go 'paperless.' Credit card bills, cell phone bills, cable bills, Bill bills... have all started asking their customers to go 'paperless' and pay their bills online. Why would they do this? Are Americans so in love with new technologies that we'll change an entire history of papered business transactions just because we can do it a new way now? Or is a paperless transaction so much more convenient that we all can't be bothered to receive something in a mail... "too much work!"?

Well, I have a theory on paperless transactions which is two-fold, cynical, and subversively angry (like almost anything I say or think):

1) Paperless transactions cost less money. Oh not for you. No no no... who cares about you? The consumer? Paperless transactions cost less money to the company. They don't have to buy paper, they don't have to pay postage to send (and return) your bills, they don't have to pay illegal immigrants to mis-appropriate the funds you send so that your bill is twice as large the next month because they put your money in someone else's account. Add all these little costs together for tens of thousands of customers every month, and you've got yourself a huge dollar amount saved by subtly forcing your customers to go paperless. Do they pass that savings onto you, the consumer? How naive are you? Of course they don't... that savings goes directly into the pocket of whatever Vice President headed up the 'paperless transaction initiative.'

2) Paperless transactions leave no paper trail to save yourself if you're screwed over. This is the main reason I will never switch. Let's say I go paperless and pay my bills online... what's to say my credit card bill won't be bigger than it should be? Even with an itemized list of charges online, not having something physically in my hands makes me nervous. Besides, how often do people skim stuff online where they would actually read something that they're holding? I mean, put more simply, if you go paperless for convenience sake, won't you eventually get to the point where you just pay it without really looking at what you're doing? Isn't that the whole point for the consumer to be able to pay their bills in five seconds? Are you looking at what they're charging you or are you just moving electronic funds from your online bank to your online bills... with no way to prove you sent the transaction electronically in the first place? If I say I transferred funds and they say I didn't, how do I prove I'm right? No, my dear people inside the internets, paperless transactions will never be done by this young blogger.

Riddle Me This...

Hello people inside the internets. Let me walk you through a mental exercise. Picture a round food... pizza, cake, pie--anything round and edible will do. Now cut that aforementioned round food so that you may share and consume it. Let me ask you, dear reader, how were those pieces cut? Did you cut that round object into squares? NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID! So riddle me this, dear readers, why do pizza places in Chicago INSIST on cutting their pizzas into squares?!?! SQUARES... and it's a ROUND PIZZA! I can understand cutting a square pizza into squares, but a round one?! Ludicrous!

The specific square cut is called a "party cut" and is used to allow people to more easily share pizzas with large groups of people. However, when you're not sharing the pizza with anyone, it makes no sense. What brought this irritant to my attention was when Chelsey and I went to a local bar on a Saturday afternoon to have a leisurely lunch. We were killing some time in between two of Chelsey's time commitments up in Wrigleyville, so we decided to order a pizza and wait for it. The bar was NOT BUSY (we were one table of about three that were occupied) so our waitress knew that the pizza was going to only two people. Yet, when we got the pizza, there it was... cut into squares. How lame are square pizza slices? You get some slices with no crust, so the toppings and cheese flows all over your hands as you try to get it... and then you get four slices on the corners that are all crust and then one bite of the toppings. What moron decided that this was the most efficient way to slice a pizza? Why aren't there more people complaining about this? Now I have to make sure that when I order pizza in Chicago I have to ask for "not-square" slicing? Ahh... convenience.

(This is a post I wrote about two months ago, but for some reason didn't publish until now)
It's Official: I Am Way Cooler Than You By, Like, A Lot

Last Saturday afternoon I was invited to a special pre-screening of a mystery movie. I would tell you how I was invited, but I'm not going to. Let's just say I'm awesome and I've got connections. Regardless, ALL I was told was that this movie was going to be a surprise to everyone, that it will be released later this summer, and that it is going to be rated PG.

Of course I spent much of the week leading up to the screening wondering what the movie could possibly be. I had my hopes (third Pirates movie?! third Shrek movie?!) and I had my fears (Fantastic Four: The More Action Figures to Sell Movie), but I was pretty sure they wouldn't keep the "The Nancy Drew Movie" a secret. Who wouldn't want to see that movie? When it goes straight to video? And will be in the bargain bin a few weeks later?

At any rate, the screening was scheduled for 4 PM with a check-in at 3:15. I was told to show up a little earlier than that, like 3, but I honestly didn't know how long it would take for me to get there... so I showed up early. WAY early. The fifth person in line--behind people related to one of the organizers and in front of a family of another organizer--early. My friends Evan and Lainie met me early enough that I wasn't standing around like a moron by myself (for very long). We were given passes (after telling them our ages) and ushered upstairs around 3:45. Waiting for us in front of the theatre was a bag-check station and two security people with metal detectors. No, they weren't looking for weapons (thank God! that would have been awkward... I don't know what I would have done in the theatre without my gat strapped!)... they were looking for recording devices and, yes, even camera phones (I'll just record an entire movie on my camera phone... perfect sound and picture clarity... right).

After making it through the check-point, the three of us were still one of the first groups into the theatre, and we had our choice of seats. I felt like we had perfect seats: majority of the screen at eye-level or below, middle of the row, far enough back not to be blown away by the sound.

The crowd filed in and time passed. LOTS of time passed. The 4 o'clock start time must have been a suggestion rather than a set schedule. The crowd began to get a little restless, and I noticed a lot of the people decided to send a representative from their group to get snacks (which is what we ended up doing). But eventually the crowd seemed settled, everyone was snack-ified, and a middle-aged gentleman grabbed a microphone and proceeded to speak excitedly into it. "Thank you all for coming out today," he started. "You are one of the first groups of people in the country to see..."

What do you think it was? Oh, if only I could make it that easy for you. I want you to beg for it. No! Don't just scroll down! Oh fine! I'm not exactly sure if I can say the title. I CAN say that I saw the fifth movie in a seven-part series, and that I anxiously await the seventh book which is coming out this summer. Yes, that's right. I saw THAT movie!

Anyone who has read the books knows how frustrating, dark, and annoying the fifth book in the series is. I have even heard a couple of people argue that they should have stopped making movies after the fourth one... citing the DARK and adult (not like that) tones of the fifth and sixth books.

It should be noted, then, that this movie has a much lighter tone than the book. While the reader follows the protagonist as he feels isolated and frustrated throughout the book... there isn't time, and there isn't a tone to the movie that allows the observer the same level of frustration and anger. The fifth book in the series is the longest (actually by far) in the series and, as such, the book has a LOT of plot to cram into the Hollywood friendly movie-time restrictions. The depth the book goes into is NOT there in this movie... but, perhaps for this book, that's a good thing.

This book includes a new character who wields a lot of power in the world of our heroes... and she is easily the character I hate the most in the entire series. She forces the hero to feel alone and frustrated at every turn--hiding her pure, malicious evil behind a false smile--and even tortures our hero at one point. There is no one in the book series who I would rather see die than her. Having said that, I actually really enjoy the performance by the actress who plays this character. She's, oddly enough, almost funny in the role. And, with that situation controlled in the movie, it's a lot easier for me to not be so angry and frustrated watching the movie as I was reading the book.

While not all of the special effects are finished yet (imagine a "wand battle" with two actors just holding sticks at each other... exciting? No. Hilarious? Yes), I can already tell that the final battle of the movie between the powers of good and evil should be cool.

Will I go see this movie again? You betcha! And I actually recommend it to all those haters who (like myself) would rather not read the fifth book in this series ever again. I might actually re-read the book so long as I can implant the actors into my mental picture as I'm reading along.

Yes, regardless, all the fans of this series should please go see this movie in July when it comes out. I don't think you'll be disappointed... particularly if you hated the book (like I kind of did), you'll be pleasantly surprised by the movie.

And You Wonder From Where I Get It...

I had to share this story. It seems as though Ferris State University, the great enabler of my college educational monies, just recently won the Rube Goldberg competition. For those of you who don't know (a group which included me just half an hour ago), Rube Goldberg was a cartoonist, who created and drew elaborate machines to perform very simple tasks. Still don't know what I'm talking about? Sure you do, if you've ever seen Tom and Jerry or the Roadrunner cartoons (not the bowling ball!). How about all those elaborate traps the gang on Scooby Doo created to catch the ghosts? More recently (relatively speaking), how about Doctor Emmit Brown's elaborate dog-feeding machines in the beginning of Back To The Future? Or how Wallace and Gromit usually start their days, complete with a slide that changes their clothes and drops them into the kitchen where breakfast is already made?

Regardless, there is an actual competition where Universities compete to create these kind of machines. The previous record was held by those engineering marvels at Purdue. Purdue's machine took an amazing record--215 different steps--to shred five sheets of paper. I, on the other hand, can name that tune in three notes.

If you thought a 215-step process was good, then prepare to be astounded by Ferris' orange juicing machine. This year's winning machine from Ferris State makes a glass of orange juice using a 345-step process!!! They added one hundred and thirty steps to the previous record in just one year! Incredibly inefficient! Congratulations, kids.

I'm sure if you asked my parents (or Ken's or Nate's or Jason's) they would say that this inefficient team was surely headed up by the school's Administration. Talk about inefficiency! (zing)

I'm Sorry... WHAT?!?

I don't know if you've seen this article or not, so I thought I would bring it to your attention (pointing to one person reading this blog). The title of the article itself is confusing, so I'll clarify it for you: Keith Richards: 'I snorted my father'. I thought it was a typo... but the story is actually exactly what the title makes it out to be. Apparently, Keith Richards (the geriatric guitarist of the Rolling Stones) decided it was far too tempting to have a cremated father lying around without mixing him with a little cocaine and snorting him up. To quote the article: "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared," he said. "... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."
WHAT?! Seriously, who does something like this? This goes so far beyond drug addiction that it can't even see normal drug addicts with binoculars. Who says to themselves "Man, I really need to snort my dad"? Perhaps the worst part is that now, after snorting his father, Keith Richards constantly smells Old Spice and fishing tackle.
What? Shouldn't end with an 'old men smell' joke? How about this one: Perhaps the worst part is that now, after snorting his father directly into his cranium, Richards can't get his father's voice out of his head. Richards goes on to say, "I keep hearing a voice that tells me I'll never do anything with myself if I keep playing the 'damn guitar'."

Grace Angelina

On last Thursday, March 29th, my sister gave birth to a healthy baby girl who they named after my paternal grandmother, Grace. She was seven pounds seven ounces... which means absolutely nothing to me, but people kept repeating her weight as if those are magical numbers. I'll tell you what a magical number is: One. As in I am now the number one uncle on the planet Earth. Eat it, Uncle Ben!!!
Both mother and daughter are fine even though Grace was born with the umbilical cord around her neck (apparently happens in 1 of 5 births! Staggering). She was the most alert baby that most of the staff had ever seen... constantly trying to figure out who these people were and what was going on. She also likes to lick things.
I was granted a grand total of ten minutes with just her and me (at least that's how it felt, as everyone else was making sure my sister was alright). She was upset that her mom wasn't around and then I started stroking her cheek... very softly, very gently, with one pointer-finger. Amazingly, this calmed her down. It was the most spectacular thing ever... so visceral, so immediate. There I was, making another human being feel safe and loved, and having her respond to it with such honesty and instinct. She wasn't being nice to me because I'm funny and nice and make her laugh... she was responding positively because I actually made her feel better. If only all my relationships with women were this easy.
Please keep mother and daughter in your thoughts and prayers... and hope there won't be a war waiting for her when she's 18.


This picture was actually taken with my cell phone. How lame is that? In my defense, my camera decided that, even though I had been charging the battery all day, it was going to die on me after about two seconds... so my phone was the only option I had. Here, my mom holds her new granddaughter... already thinking of ways to spoil this girl. I know a way I'm going to spoil her. Three words: Horse. Riding. Lessons.

It's Time To Go Dancing... With The Stars

With the next season coming up of Dancing with the Stars, excitement is in the air. That air, unfortunately, is not the air that I breathe... but there's excitement. Why comment on it then? Call it professional courtesy. Or say that I want to mock the 'stars'... it doesn't matter. The point is that I'm going to climb this mountain, because it's there.

In the past two 'seasons,' a former NFL great (Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith respectively) have had great showings... with Smith even winning the competition (over Saved By The Bell great, complete Latin hotty/hunk and a personal, Irishman, Hall of Fame actor Mario Lopez. Mmm... Albert Clifford). But this season, there is no NFL great. As a matter of fact, the closest I have to a sports hero I recognize is former Phi-Slamma-Jammer Clyde "the Glide" Drexler. I don't actually think that I can root for Drexler to win... I never really liked Portland or Houston and never rooted for him while he was playing. So he's out.

Who does that leave, I'm sure you're all wondering ('all' meaning the three people who still frequent this site after the months of inactivity)? In the world of sports (the only world that matters), all they have left is Apollo Anton Ohno, the oddly attractive speed skater, whose thighs are large enough to feed entire starving nations. I'm not sure speed-skating is actually a sport (in the same sect of pseudo-sports with NASCAR, all things equestrian, and--frankly--track. Haven't we evolved past "who's faster?" Didn't we ask that question in grade school? I'm a sports snob... sue me.), so he's out. Also representing sports is Laila Ali, the ass-kicking boxing daughter of Muhammad Ali. However, I don't know that I can, in good conscience, root for a woman who could kill me. She's out.

Now who does that leave? Actually, not much. There is a rogue gallery of people who will make you say "Using the word 'Stars' is stretching it," such as: Billy Ray Cyrus, of one-hit-Achy-Breaky fame; 'Hey that 90210 guy' Ian Ziering; 'The goatee one... but not they gay one' from N'Sync, Joey Fatone; 'You've got to be kidding me with' Leeza Gibbons; 'Isn't that, like, the same person twice?' with Supermodel Paulina Porizkova and former Miss USA Shandi Finnessey; and, finally, 'Wasn't she married to that punk-ass-bitch Paul McCartney? Yeah... right, she's the one with only one leg' Heather Mills. How can I root for any of these 'Stars'?

After mocking almost everyone in the competition what are we left with? Cliff Clavin the disgruntled Postal worker, and the voice of many of Pixar's hilarious supporting-characters: the incomparable John Ratzenberger. He, in all honesty, probably doesn't stand a chance against the more athletic people in the competition. But I can still show my passive support for him the same way I do all other elections in this country: by sitting idly by and hoping that other people vote for him. Go get 'em, John!

Time To Go Dancing!

As everyone who follows sports knows, this past Sunday was Selection Sunday for the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament--affectionately known as The Big Dance--which begins today! Every year, tens of thousands of people fill out brackets at home or at the office filling it out on everything from actual basketball knowledge to mascots to uniform colors. Usually, college basketball knowledge gets you no further in the brackets than picking based on which teams would get a higher score in Scrabble. The college basketball 3-Point line is the great equalizer. Any team in the country can have one or two guys who can light it up from that line... and that can propel teams you've never heard of into the elite eight. Additionally, more-so than any other sport--college or pro--one player can control a college basketball game... literally willing his team to victory. So, because of all that, brackets are as unpredictable as the winds *looks to the skies*.
Now I'm not necessarily going to give you my brackets here, but I am going to talk a little about who got lucky and who got the shaft (which may literally be the same thing... even though they sound different). Ignoring who got in and who's out... I'm going to focus on the Seeding and the placement of teams in the bracket. I've heard from a few 'experts' that seeding doesn't matter because you're going to have to play good teams eventually... the following is me telling them that they're full of it.

The MidWest: I personally think this is the toughest region in the tournament full of teams that could possibly make waves in other regions. Florida, Wisconsin, Oregon, and Notre Dame could all make the Elite Eight if they were in other regions... but they won't, since they're all in the same bracket.

Who got lucky? Maryland. As a 4 seed, Maryland has the easiest draw into the Sweet 16... playing Davidson and then the winner of Butler/Old Dominion. Granted, I don't think Maryland will get it to the Sweet 16, but this is the easiest draw in this tough region.

Who got the shaft? Notre Dame. After an above average year in the talented Big East, ND gets a 6 seed against one of the best schools you've never heard of, Winthrop. I wouldn't be surprised to see ND get bounced in the first round, even though they have the kind of talent that could lead them to the Elite Eight.

First Round Game I Want To See: 6 Notre Dame/11 Winthrop. Winthrop will stick around and, even though I'll be rooting for ND, I always love seeing Mid-Majors compete and go deep into the tourney.

The West: Kansas gets the number 1 seed, even though I have yet to be impressed by them. The West has some interesting match-ups, and even though there are really no 'sexy' picks in the West, there are a ton of college basketball giants in this bracket (Kansas, UCLA, Duke, Kentucky, Indiana, and I'll even though Illinois in there for no reason). Let's check it out.

Who got lucky? Southern Illinois. Granted they've played well all year, but the number 4 seed might be pushing it. Besides, their draw--Holy Cross than Virginia Tech/Illinois winner--should not be very much of a challenge for, supposedly, on of the 16 best teams in the nation (being a 4 seed, the lowest they could be in the eyes of the selection committee is 16th).

Who got the shaft? Duke. Duke hasn't been very 'Dukey' this season... but a 6 seed allows Duke to be the underdog (which makes them dangerous). Even though the seeding is low, I think it might be a blessing for the Dukies. Unfortunately, Pitt probably awaits Duke if they can even beat Virginia Commonwealth (which is a big IF, since VCU is an experience mid-major that might be posed to make some waves in this tourney).

First Round Game I Want To See: 7 Indiana/10 Gonzaga. Both of these teams have had tournament success recently, so I look forward to seeing which team can use experience to get the upper-hand.

The East: I think this region will almost definitely not have the one-seed making it to the Final Four. Number 2 Georgetown (who could be a 1) and number 4 Texas would both not be a surprise to me if they ended up in the Final Four instead of North Carolina. As a matter of fact, I would probably give UNC, Georgetown, and Texas the same odds to be in the Final Four.

Who got lucky? Washington State. Playing Oral Roberts, then the Vanderbilt/George Washington winner should not be much of a problem for Washington State (who should not be a 3 seed, by the way). Could they make it to the Sweet 16 without much trouble... or could they get bounced by Oral Roberts just so I can make "oral" jokes for weeks? We'll find out soon enough.

Who got the shaft? Texas. Are you trying to tell me that Texas isn't better than Wash St.? Seriously? Texas should be the 3 seed in this region. I see Texas and UNC in the Sweet 16 and I see that as one of the best games of the tourney (As such, if one of the other teams messes up that potential match-up, I'll be pissed!).

First Round Game I Want To See: 8 Marquette/9 Michigan State. Izzo and his former assistant square off in what should actually, bias aside, be a very good game.

The South: In my opinion, this is the weakest of all regions, full of teams that don't impress me. Most of the top seeds--2 seed Memphis, 4 seed Virginia, 5 seed Tennessee--I wouldn't have going very far in any other region.

Who got lucky? Ohio State. Ohio State could very well breeze though this weak-ass region. I think Central Connecticut State, the BYU/Xavier winner, and the Tennessee/Long Beach/Virginia/Albany winner will pretty much offer OSU no challenge. That pretty much puts Ohio State in the Elite Eight without blinking. That's what I call a good draw.

Who got the shaft? Louisville. Yes Louisville is effectively playing at home (in Lexington, KY), but playing Stanford's literal Twin Towers and then (probably) Texas A&M is a horrible draw for the perennial power. I think Louisville will be lucky to make it to the Sweet 16, even playing in-state.

First Round Game I Want To See: 6 Louisville/11 Stanford. I want to see how the Kentucky crowd reacts to Louisville. Will they cheer for the 'home' team... or will they root for whoever ISN'T Louisville (in this case, Stanford)?

Final Four? I'm not telling mine. But I will say that I have no higher than a 3-seed in my Final Four (a 1, two 2s, and a 3). Maybe I'm not imaginative, or maybe I think the top of the basketball seeds are that good, but I don't see a 'no-name' surprising anyone a year after George Mason's run. NO ONE will be over-looked this year.
And I can't wait. There is some very good basketball to be seen this year. Let the games begin!

Boost Mobile's New GPS System Eliminates Need For Talking

Chicago, IL -- Telephone company Boost Mobile's new product, titled 'Loopt', has added global positioning capabilities for their mobile users. Subscribers to Loopt are able to find the locations of their Boost Mobile friends displayed on a map allowing users to instantly find out where their friends are located. However, the Loopt technology has led to diminished use of the company's other big marketing tool: the Chirp.
This reporter talked with Boost's Assistant to the Vice President in Charge of Public Relations, Heather Dukes, about the new technology. "With the emergence of the technology behind Boost Loopt, we've seen a sharp decrease in the use of our 'Chirps.'" I then asked Ms. Dukes why there was such a decrease, she responded, "I don't know. Hey, are you looking for a peppy, people-person? Can I give you my resume?"
This reporter than decided to head right to the source. I asked Boost Mobile and Loopt subscriber Erik Jackson about his mobile usage. "Ever since I got Loopt, I know where my people at all the time. Since then, it don't make sense to ask em where they at... cause I already know." So they stopped talking, all together.
"So they stopped talking."
Weird. Regardless, perhaps the newest technology from Boost has actually cursed the mobile provider. Can too much technology be a bad thing? Only time, and Boost Loopt, will tell.
-CrazyJohn writes for Irishmen and currently resides in Chicago-

Happy 3-11!

As everyone knows, March 11th is 311 day. The 'Purpose' of today is to 'Thank Your Lucky Stars' that 'Life's Not A Race.' Don't feel 'Down' today, even if your future 'Seems Uncertain,' today is a day that there's no need to 'Reconsider Everything' because today you should look 'Beyond The Gray Sky' and realize that you've been 'Strong All Along.' So 'Don't Stay Home,' today grab 'Six' 'Strangers' and head to a 'Frolic Room' or a 'Speak Easy' to celebrate with some 'Salsa' and 'Whiskey and Wine' or 'Champagne'... and 'You Wouldn't Believe' what kind of celebration can be had with the good ol' 'Homebrew' 'Flowing.' I know this might be 'Random,' but get 'Uncalm' today because 'Paradise' 'Feels So Good' and on 3-11 'There's Always An Excuse' to have 'No Control' and get 'All Mixed Up.' You know you've done 3-11 day best if tomorrow you have to ask 'What Was I Thinking'? Everyone enjoy today because it's is going to be 'Sweet.'
Get going! The party started at '8:16 AM' while you were 'Still Dreaming' and the party's 'Waiting.'

The Riches

Have you seen this??! Apparently, comedian and executive-transvestite Eddie Izzard has decided to settle down and do a crappy (no offense Eddie) sitcom on FX called The Riches. The premise of the show is that Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver (no shit, Minnie Driver) are parents of a family of travelling con-artists. One day, they accidentally drive a couple--Doug and Cherien Rich--off the road to their death (can't wait to see how that happens by accident). Izzard's character than decides that his family should take over the life of the Riches. The comedy then keeps rolling as the con-artist family must live as normal, law-abiding folk... a hilarious example of the ol' fish-out-of-water scenario (example: see "Back to the Future").

I am opposed to the premise as being not only something that doesn't seem believable in the slightest ("Honey, how come our neighbors look different and now have three kids ages 17, 16, and 10-ish?? Oh well... that's those crazy Riches!"), but the premise doesn't seem to allow for a very long run of the show. Any time you have a family of nomads who decides to finally settle down, their natural instinct will be to leave... making the whole series a lesson in keeping this family tied down to this location. One of the things I learned from improv is that the hardest thing to keep an audience interested in is a character that wants to leave... if you want to leave, just leave and we'll finish the scene without you!

Regardless, I am going to give this show a shot because Eddie Izzard is amazingly awesome. The show is Monday nights at 10/9 Central, and it's on FX... that's apparently a channel on cable somewhere. Check your local listings!

My Team Sucks

As the NFL's Free Agent season heats up, I find that my beloved Pack are conspicuous in their absence. How absent have the Packers been? Absent enough to lose their entire starting backfield (Ahman Green to the Texans; William Henderson cut on Wednesday) without making any waves of their own in Free Agency.

Ahman Green enjoys Free Agency

and a Houston Rockets game.

If this had been a picture of him in Green Bay,

these women would be holding beers

and wearing camo.

Granted, historically the Packers have been built through the draft and trades... but I thought this would have been a good year to pull in free agents (saying "Favre's last year... we're pulling out all the stops to win it all"). Unfortunately, today's NFL player doesn't really want to be in Green Bay (not a lot to do there)... so the area doesn't get a lot of pull in the free agent market. I thought, naively, that the players could get pulled in by the thought of playing one final season with one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. I certainly thought Favre would be the reason we'd get a little interest from some Wide Receivers and Running Backs (if not other positions)... but I've heard nothing. And as each day passes, more and more FAs go to other teams (how much money does Denver have available?!) and the Pack are still doing nothing.

So thank you, Green Bay, for not adding any undue or crazy excitement or hopes to the 2007-08 season. I look forward to another mediocre campaign... not good enough for the play-offs, and not bad enough for a good draft position. Great work, team!

I. Hate. Soup.

I don't feel well. I started feeling sick during a very long audition/trip to Naperville day on Sunday. I hate not feeling well (who doesn't?... Eeyore?). I know what I'm supposed to do to make myself feel better: soup, juice, and sleep. The only problems with this plan being the high cost of juice, my negative feelings towards sleep (waste of time!), and my hatred for soup. Chicken soup tastes like watered-down chicken pot pie (which I love), so it tastes like a watered-down version of something I like (like Guinness Lite or watered-down urine). I think my dislike of soup is actually mostly the thickness of liquid, as I enjoy a nice chicken corn chowder or the occasional split-pea soup. I guess instead of hating soup, what I actually hate is broth. But that doesn't make a good blog post title.

What ends up happening almost every time I get sick, because I don't follow the above three-step plan, is that I stay sick. For quite a long time. I also like to lick my hands and place them on people: in their ears; up their nose; or poking the corner of their eye... you know that place people tell you not to rub or else you could get sick? That's the place. That's besides the point... I just thought you should know in case you see me. Watch your ears, eyes, and nose.

However, this illness has been a little different than most. Most of the time, I have a set sickness schedule (like most people do). But this time, I have to added bonus of feeling painfully nauseous every time I eat. While this is probably good for me and my 'playing weight,' um, ouch. It hurts. I'm hoping to be better by this weekend... as the Spring Forward will steal an hour of my much deserved sleep.

Perpetual First Day of School

In a way, we can learn a lot about ourselves by remembering our first day of school. This day is important because whatever our feelings are on that day, they keep coming up throughout our lives: first day of college, moving to a new city, first day at a new job, etc. And how we handle that day may very well dictate how we deal with all these other days.

Case in point, I've been cast in a show going up at the Chicago Theatre Building at the end of April. This week (Monday) was the first day of the rehearsal process. Granted, on the way to that rehearsal I had other things on my mind (Where am I going? How am I going to get there in time? Why won't this bus go f--king faster??!) plus I had to practically jog, haphazardly, on snow and ice for two city blocks to make it there on time (I was there at 6:58 for a 7 o'clock start time).

So that day doesn't really illustrate my point very well. However, I knew the first night was going to be filled with contracts and a read-through of the script. If there's one thing I've ALWAYS been good at, it's reading a script out loud. As such, I wasn't really worried the first night. It was the second night, Tuesday, that I started having all my thoughts and fears and reservations about my performance and me personally. And it didn't take long before I realized that they're basically the same questions I had when I was younger:
What if the other kids don't like me?
What if it's too hard? And I'm not smart enough?
Can I still get out of it? How?
What if I don't belong?
What if everyone knows everyone else and I'm the only one who doesn't know anybody? (Which was quasi-true because the two people I knew weren't there Tuesday... and everyone else is an ensemble member)

But, fortunately for me, most of those questions are answered the way you would hope. The group is steadily coming together (important since we're all supposed to be good friends in the show), and I'm slowly proving to myself and others that I not only belong, but can far exceed even my own expectations (maybe).

I just found it so odd to be 26 and asking myself "What if the other kids don't like me?" as if I was 5 or 6 again. I didn't ask it exactly like that, but the main question I asked myself basically breaks down into that--as it's simplest form. It is my sincere hope that some day I'll be in a place where I can answer that question with an answer somewhere in between "Of course they will" and "It doesn't matter if they do or not." That would be a healthy, positive place. Lord knows I can use more of those.

Sign Of The Impending Apocalypse

As the NHL deadline approached, I was pleased to think that my Red Wings weren't making any desperate attempt to add a veteran player to help us during the final push towards the playoffs. And then, when I woke up this morning, I heard probably the worst news I could have ever imagined: my Red Wings traded for right winger Todd Bertuzzi. I think the most horrifying thought is that Bertuzzi wasn't added as a free agent, the Wings actually WANTED this guy... they actively traded FOR him.

Why do I hate Bertuzzi so much? I suppose it started in the playoff series between Detroit and Vancouver in, um, 2002? I'm not sure which year it was... but it was during the playoffs, and Bertuzzi and Chris Chelios had an epic back-and-forth-type battle. It was then that I realized that Bertuzzi (at 6'3" around 250 lbs) is basically a large thug. There is no finesse to Bertuzzi, as this moron would try to skate through a brick wall rather than skating around it. That was fine when Bertuzzi was young, but (at 32) he's having some injury problems (back surgery has benched him since the fall).

To further prove Bertuzzi is a Neanderthal, I submit the Steve Moore incident. Please allow me to use someone else's words (Wiki's paragraph on the incident) because I frankly get too upset to write coherently: "During another Vancouver-Colorado game three weeks after the Naslund hit, on March 8, 2004... Late in the third period, Bertuzzi began following Steve Moore down the ice attempting to instigate a fight. When Moore ignored him, Bertuzzi punched Moore in the side of the head. Bertuzzi grabbed hold of Moore's jersey before "driving him headfirst into the ice." At this point, Moore's Colorado teammates retaliated against Bertuzzi, jumping on the prone Moore and Bertuzzi. Moore suffered three fractured vertebrae in his neck, a grade three concussion, vertebral ligament damage, stretching of the brachial plexus nerves, and facial cuts."

In Bertuzzi's defense (oh GOD! I have to defend this asshole??!!), Moore had injured Bertuzzi's Captain Markus Nasland in the two teams' previous meeting... Moore did give Nasland a concussion in that game. But Bertuzzi basically ended Moore's career because he's a big, thuggish baby. Has Moore skated since the incident in 2004? Yes. Has he played NHL hockey? Not even close.

Bertuzzi is the one driving the guy's face directly into the ice. In case you didn't know.

Repercussions? Since 2004, Moore has sued the shit out of Bertuzzi: he was charged with Assault (pleaded guilty, by the way... as part of a plea-bargain); there was a lawsuit; there was a civil suit; there were angry words by me. I wouldn't mind if Moore got every penny Bertuzzi makes in the NHL for the rest of his career. The NHL suspended Bertuzzi for the rest of the season and playoffs (which amounting to a whopping 20 games... ooo, harsh) and he didn't play the next season (which was the strike season in which no one played). When the NHL came back from the strike, so did Bertuzzi. I remember when the incident happened, many sportswriters (including Mike Wilbon of PTI) thought Bertuzzi shouldn't be able to play again until Moore can play again. The ol' eye for an eye argument (Exodus 21:23-25 for those of you scoring at home)... and I felt it fit in this instance. Bertuzzi's hit was malicious and, frankly, criminal.

But now he's a Red Wing. We lose the beloved Captain Steve Yzerman this year to retirement and we get this f--kin' guy. Come playoff time I'll still root for my team... but I hope the Wings fans boo Bertuzzi every time he hits the ice. Detroit is better than an asshole like this guy... and, frankly, SHAME ON KEN HOLLAND for thinking we're not. So I'll ask a personal favor of Miss Laura Jeannine... please, please, PLEASE make "Boo Bertuzzi!" shirts for everyone you know in the Detroit area... and boo the shit out of that bitch every time he hits the ice.

The new face of the Red Wings!

Chief Illiniwek's Last Dance

Last night was the last time University of Illinois mascot, Chief Illiniwek, will be mascoting at a school function because of the, frankly, racist nature of having a Native American caricature as a mascot. But, you see dear children, I have already started down a slippery slope. While the caricature of Chief Illiniwek (and having white dudes dance around in face paint... in a Sioux costume, by the way) is racist, I don't feel that the school's nickname--The Fighting Illini--is, even though the 'fighting Illini' refers to a Native American tribe (the Illini being an Anglicanized version of the Native "Illiniwek" [oh... it all comes full circle]). The state name, Illinois, derives from this native people, and I actually kind of like the idea that the mascot of the state school would be the people from which the state was named (like the Virginia Royal Bastards, or the New York Stuffy-Shirts).

There is a larger issue here, not necessarily condensed into the College sphere. Specifically, professional sports teams who use Native American names and caricatures as mascots. The short list of offenders is not limited to a specific sport, though some are worse than others:

NFL


The Washington Redskins are BY FAR the worst team mascot offender in all of professional sports. The Redskins are not only racist, but they're basically a racial slur of the particular race that they're using as a mascot. This would be the same as the New Jersey Fightin' Wops or the Boston Drunken Micks... It's NOT cool.
The only possible course of action is for Washington's team to change its name. Fortunately for them, I have a number of wonderful possibilities, based specifically on their city. Firstly, as everyone knows, Washington D.C. is the capital of this great nation. We also all know that the name Capitals is taken by their hockey team, so it couldn't just be the Capitals. We also know that Washington has a very high homicide rate. I suggest a name change to the Washington Murder Capitals.
No good? Okay, one more. Washington has a number of famous monuments. How about the NFL team changes it's name to the Washington Penis Monuments?

The Kansas City Chiefs. While not as blatant as the Redskins, this team name could be considered offensive. However, like the University of Illinois now that Illiniwek is done, the Chiefs have no offensive personification of the mascot name. So while the Chiefs might be a no-no, at least they don't have a silhouetted Native American as their mascot. Or, worse, a cartoon caricature of a Native American. Just like...


MLB




The Cleveland Indians are clearly the worst offender in Major League baseball. What upsets me the most is that Cleveland's nickname could easily be changed. How about the Cleveland Rocks? Too close to the Colorado Rockies? Fine... but anything is probably better than this mascot. Even I'm offended by that cartoon face, smiling the big smile of early twentieth century racism.




The Atlanta Braves. Like the Kansas City Chiefs, I can't find anything specifically offensive about this team... 'braves' being a general term for any Native American warrior besides being an admirable adjective. Perhaps the Braves would be okay... if they didn't do that damn "Tomahawk Chop." Face it, Braves fans... you're being racist and looking/sounding pretty stupid at the same time. Stop it. And tell the Florida State people to stop with you. You look like morons when you do it. Seriously.




NHL


The Chicago Blackhawks. One of the original six in the NHL, the Blackhawks have had the same name and logo since their inception in 1926 (75 years, baby). But, since it is 2007, perhaps they should consider a less racial mascot (see photo). How about simply changing the image on all merchandise to that of a hawk who is black... and still keeping the name? Or we could scrap the name altogether and go with something a little more meaningful for those who live in Chicago. How about the Chicago Inconsiderate Drivers?
NBA

The NBA is probably the best American league not to use Native American caricatures. I only found one and it's not really upsetting or controversial anymore.



The Golden State Warriors. Originally referred to a Native American Warrior, though the original Native American mascot has been replaced by some... weird-looking... thing.



BORDERLINE RACIAL OFFENDERS:


NHL has a couple of teams that I'm borderline on whether or not they are a little racist. While the Montreal Canadians may be as harmless as the the New England Patriots or the South Dakota United Stations, but what about the Vancouver Canucks? I was told at an early age that Canuck was a slur for a Canadian. After looking it up on Dictionary.com, their definition for Canuck is "noun Slang: Sometimes Offensive. a Canadian, esp. a French Canadian." Is it cool to have a racial slang word as a mascot? Redskins isn't cool... why should Canucks be?
WHAT IS THAT?! A whale coming out of the letter "C"? HUH??!






What about teams like the Boston Celtics? They've mispronounced 'Celts' forever (check against them)... but they decided on Celtics because of the large Irish population in Boston (check for them). Is this image offensive? Not to me... and I'm more Irish than the mascot (who doesn't even have red sideburns... look at that jet black hair! Historically inaccurate!). Although, put a Guinness in his hand instead of a basketball and you've have the most horribly stereotyped Irish caricature ever.




And there's always The University of Notre Dame's Fighting Irish. Just look at that picture. I know that's what I look like when I stand still... but it's probably not, on the whole, accurate. I think one could probably be upset by Notre Dame but I'm Irish and I'm not complaning. Does that stop it from being racist? No. And maybe that's the problem. I suppose if we're going to take racism out of sports mascots, we had better take it out of everywhere. Possible mascot change for Notre Dame? The University of Notre Dame Golden Domers. No joke here... that would probably work.

Sir Charles

Charles Barkley on Dwight Howard:
"If I had a body like Dwight Howard, I'd go around the country beatin' the hell outta people."

Easy to see why he was Knighted.

FAT TUESDAY
For those non-Catholics out there (notice not "Recovering-Catholics"... that is me), today is Fat Tuesday. Today is the day before Lent begins, the day before Ash Wednesday. The way I have always understood Lent is that the 40 days of Lent represent the 40 days that Jesus spent fasting in the wilderness being tempted by the Devil... as such, we spend 40 days being tempted by whatever it is that we decide will tempt us best (that is, whatever we "give up").
Now the slight misnomer about Lent is that the Lent period is longer than 40 Days. Lent doesn't actually include the Sundays during Lent, and this Lenten period this year--from Ash Wednesday to Easter--is actually 47 days. Normally I continue to 'give up' whatever it is that I decide to 'give up' even over the Sundays in Lent.
Now, seeing as I have taken Fat Tuesday to mean Fat Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for the past two years... I'm going to give up "sweets" this year. If I could, I would love to give up eating altogether... but that's not going to work. Hopefully I can just give up the unnecessary fat from my diet and I'll start to slim down a bit. If this doesn't work, I'll stand in the sun until I melt like a candle. Doesn't work that way? I've never been smart.
Additionally, this Lent I will be finishing the novel I started last week. I bought a kit that supposes to help you finish writing a novel in one month. After a week of writing, I've already got about 9,000 words on 31 pages (roughly finishing up the 6th Chapter). I think this is a great idea for me... writing a novel or screenplay every Lent. It gives me clear starting and stopping points... and it's something constructive to do with that time period.
So I would like to wish everyone a Happy Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras! Eat as much as you possibly can today... do it for me.

Setting The Debate To Rest
I know this has been the question on everyone's mind and I just wanted to take the time to finally put it to bed. Okay, fine, here it is:

I'm Anna Nicole's baby daddy.

Phew. I'm glad that's off my chest. You don't know how much keeping that secret inside had bothered me at night... keeping me awake, thinking about my baby's dead, vapid, huge-breasted Texan mother.

Additionally: When did "baby daddy" become part of the American vernacular? Did American media forget how to articulate "father of her child" or "her child's biological father"? It's four words at most! We have 24-hour news channels covering the "news" of Anna Nicole's death and we're worried about the extra 1.2 seconds it takes to say two more words? Come on! It makes our media sound like complete morons (and like we really need help in that department).

The Last Minute
There's nothing like waiting until the last minute to talk about the Super Bowl. But, here I am, doing just that. Here are the teams (keeping in mind I've been forced to see Bears games all season):

The Bears Offense--Grossman does suck, we've had that checked out. But, if the Bears great run game gets going (a combination of the highly under-rated Thomas Jones, and the guy everyone on the Bears can't stand Cedric Benson)... then a quarterback who can throw the ball down the field, like Grossman, is perfect. The Bears offense could actually hurt the Colts defense if they can get the running game going. If Bob Sanders has to come down into the box to help with the run, then the deep ball is going to be available to Berrian. Key to Bears Offense: Pounding the football right up the gut. X-Factor: Thomas Jones.

The Bears Defense--The loss of Tommie Harris and Mike Brown cannot be emphasized enough. Yes, the Bears defense is still good... but with those two guys still on the field, the Bears defense was dominant. Since they're both gone, the Bears defense is a little vulnerable. Both the Bears' safeties (Todd Johnson and Rookie Danny Manning) are the weakness to this defense... meaning the tight ends of the Colts could have a field day. Fortunately for the Bears, they are very deep on the Corners... going four deep with Tillman, Vasher, R. Manning, and Hester. Those guys can match up well with the Colts wide receivers. A defense is best when it can make an offense one-dimensional. If the Bears can stop the run and force Peyton to beat them (oddly enough... that's what they want), then the Bears defense will dictate this game. Key to Bears Defense: Stopping the run. X-Factor: The Middle Linebacker responsible for following the running backs... oh, it's Brian Urlacher.

The Bears Special Teams--Much has been made of the record-breaking Devin Hester. Here's the thing with Hester... he's young and he'll try anything to make a play. This could mean fielding a punt inside the ten-yard line... this could mean reversing his field on a kickoff to try to get around the defense... but it WILL mean that he will do something stupid in this game. However, much like the 'Favre rule', if he makes one mistake, he'll make one spectacular play. If you watched the Colts/Pats game, you saw the Patriots kick returner Hobbs go crazy and bring the noise and the funk, giving the Pats great field position. If the Colts cover team is that vulnerable, Hester could give the Bears huge field position. On the other hand, as good as their punter, Brad Maynard, is... kicker Robbie Gould is unproven. We don't know how good Gould (pronounced "Gold"... which is wishful thinking on the family's part) can be. Key to Bears Special Teams: Playing Smart. X-Factor: Devin Hester.

The Colts Offense--Everyone knows how good Peyton is. But I worry, with the bye week, that Peyton is studying TOO hard. He may be over-thinking this game. So long as Peyton can keep focused... he'll be the Peyton we all know and love. However, Peyton can't win this game alone. If you watched the Colts/Pats game, you saw how the Colts can physically wear down a defense. If the Colts can run the ball and control the clock (like they did against the Patriots), then it won't matter how good the Bears defense is. The combination of Addai and Rhodes have to control the clock for the Colts to win this game. Addai may be a better pure runner, but Rhodes can catch the ball out of the backfield better, and is smarter/more experienced. Key to Colts Offense: Keep running the ball. X-Factor: Dominick Rhodes.

The Colts Defense--Everyone slammed the Colts D during the season. Then the Colts came out and shut down the Chiefs and the Ravens. Did Bob Sanders make that much of a difference? In short, yes. He is the heart of the Colts D... and he can stop the run by himself. Something you may not have thought about is the fact that the Colts defense is built to pressure the quarterback. And, if ever there was a QB to pressure in the Super Bowl, it is stupid stupid Rex Grossman. Grossman will throw at least one INT in this game... and the Bears will have to overcome his one or two mistakes. If the Colts D can actually stop the run, the Bears and Grossman won't have a chance. Key to Colts Defense: Stop the run. X-Factor: Bob Sanders.

The Colts Special Teams--Vinatieri is the single reason why the Colts shouldn't worry if the game is close. Vinatieri could make a 48-yarder in his sleep. I know you couldn't name the Colts kick returner if I paid you (Terrence Wilkins). Wilkins needs only catch the ball and fall down to do his job. Hunter "the Punter" Smith may have the hardest job of all special teamers. He has to make sure to avoid punting the ball to Hester in a way that allows Hester to work his magic. So long as Hunter can keep the ball from Hester, the Colts special team should be fine. Key to Colts Special Teams: Keep the ball from Devin Hester. X-Factor: Adam Vinatieri.

Overview--Anyone who thinks this is going to be a high-scoring game is way off base. This is going to be a grind. Perhaps the best offense will be the offense that plays the most relaxed. I don't know which team that will be, as I feel like both offenses are going to be tight (Grossman might play loosest because he doesn't know better. He is a stupid man). Grossman will throw a TD and a pick or two, Manning will throw a TD and a pick... and Thomas Jones will get a touchdown as well. Also, I think the Bears defense will bend and not break, forcing the Colts to kick multiple field goals. Three field goals, actually... including the game winner with no time left. Final score: 16-14 Colts. MVP? Could we see the first kicker MVP in Vinatieri? If not, the man Peyton threw the touchdown to... either Marvin Harrison or Reggie Wayne (whoever can go crazy on the Bears defense).

Sidenote: My least favorite player of all time, Michael Irvin, was elected into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this weekend. Which just goes to show that off-the-field issues, whether it's cocaine possession, marijuana possession, or firearm possession, does not affect your HOF eligibility. But, if you push-off on cornerbacks every play of your career... then maybe you'll make the HOF, if you're on a good team with a great running back, dominant offensive line and good defense. Irvin still sucks... and I hate listening to his annoying opinions on ESPN. Nice tie Michael... try buying one that isn't as wide as your head. (It's a very wide tie... and it's ugly) (I hate Steve Young, too... just thought you should know how disappointed I am with ESPN)

The Fire

Tonight, Chelsey and I walked to the local Chipotle. As we were getting ready to leave, we heard at least half of a dozen emergency vehicles (a far too common sound in the city, I'm afraid). I made some off-hand comment about how close the location of the emergency probably was.
As we left the building, we noticed a few people on the corner looking up at a high-rise building a block away. When I looked up, I saw a fire had burst open windows on the seventh or eight floor of the building. The fire was lapping at the window above it, yet seemed fairly contained to the one, corner apartment. My initial reaction was to go try to help... I'm not sure how I would help, but that was my first thought. "Someone's in trouble," I told myself, "I should help." Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending) there was a cop directing traffic (including foot traffic) away from the road leading up to the building. There were also two more fire trucks and a few more cop cars down the road, on their way. There was nothing I could do, but I certainly wasn't about to stand there and watch like the people on the corner. As we turned the corner, we approached a bus stop. Since it's naturally a place where people stand, I wouldn't have normally thought anything of the literal crowd waiting at the stop. However, tonight it seemed the crowd was all looking up: looking at the fire. That's when I started to get angry. I understand human curiosity... but this is someone's home! You're standing and watching someone's whole life burn as if it was the Friday night movie. And it relit my fire of hatred for the city--any city. Not that people wouldn't stand and watch in a small town (because they would), but simply because standing and watching is something that humans do and there are SO MANY of them in the city.
Also... it felt really good to be passionate enough about something to get my blood pressure up and really get mad. Moron that later. Happy 2007, InterWeb audience.