PERSONAL The Times They Are A'Changin'
Have you ever woken up from being awake? Something smacks you hard enough in the face that you say to yourself "Was I just sleeping? Am I finally awake now?" Chelsey and I had a discussion this evening, after a stupid argument over something mundane (like dishes). She asked me if I would ever be happy... and I told her that, in essence, it's not in my nature to be happy. "Why?" she asked. "Because I don't feel like I deserve happiness" was my response. Now I was almost positive that my high school/college depression amounted to nothing more than teenage angst. That, once I grew up and settled down, it would all magically disappear because I would understand what was important and what wasn't. I guess, the fact is, I still don't seem to understand what's important. For instance, in the past week there have been two or three instances where I was asked to do something or go somewhere and I haven't. The reason? To be honest, I'm not sure. If hard pressed, I could only say "I didn't feel like it" or "I was too tired." Frankly, I've responded to people in that way for years now. In high school, "Wanna come over?"; "No thanks, I've got a thing." In college, "Hey we're going to a party, you should come"; "That's cool... I should study." And now in Chicago, "We're getting drinks tonight, you wanna join?"; "Nah... not tonight." And so on. These are, of course, simply examples... but they are indicative of a deeper problem.
Now, today, I find myself asking if my entire life is going to be filled with things I should have done and places I should have gone. What am I going to say on my death bed, when I look at my life and wonder why I didn't do more? That I was too tired? That I didn't feel like doing more? That no one ever pushed me to do more and I wasn't strong enough to push myself? I suppose. I suppose, in the big scheme of things, what does it matter? And hence my never-ending dilemma. Why even do those things? Why even go out, meet people, or socialize? I can't, honestly, tell if I'm having a good time while I'm out. If I go out with a group of people and we do... whatever it is that we do... I couldn't probably tell you if I was enjoying it, unless it was something, honestly, quiet and intellectually stimulating. I'm honestly very pleased to be doing a "game night" now... as my brain hasn't been able to properly flex its muscles since college. But, frankly, going out and drinking (or even staying in and drinking) will probably never appeal to me.
I'm rambling. What was my point? My point, I guess, is that I'm in a rut. An emotional rut... of which I'm not sure how to dig myself out. I'm learning what kind of person I am, what I like to do and don't like (I guess)... but I suppose what I'm saying is that I need to learn how to answer the phone--talk on the phone, too--or respond to emails. I need to learn how to force myself to do that correspondence that I don't want to do. And if you're one of the people on the other end of that seemingly one-way correspondence... all I can say is that I'm sorry and I'm working on it. Merry Christmas indeed.