Old John versus New... or why self-loathing never looked so appealing!
Jean, in her wonderful effervescence (huh? Just go with it... mmm, bubbly!), responded on her blog to something I wrote on mine. It was a quick sentence about how the John of old wouldn't like the new and not-so-improved version. I appreciate the positive response from those who told me old me'd be happy with new me, but I think you're all wrong... and I think it's probably time I talked a little bit about why I feel this way. This post has been a long time in the making, I just hope I don't forget anything.

1) Work, Classes, or Me... these three things seem to be the only three things I'm willing to devote any time to. 'Me' always seems to always come last. I haven't talked with my sister in a month, even though, for some reason, I've been calling my parents about three times a week now (if not more). I'm about to take a quasi-self-forced vacation... this weekend (Thursday through Sunday) to Wisconsin to spend some time with my parents. This should, hopefully, give me some perspective. I continue to be upset with the way my apartment looks. I got so very close to having it almost the way I wanted it and then I got busy again. I need to force myself to get a new futon, as the old one has seen better days. What does this have to do with old John versus new... well, both old and new John didn't take care of himself very well. It was something new John was working on and got close to understanding before new John decided to try to make enough money to live here, and only spend his time with working.

2) Speaking of futons, Sleep... every day I wake up tired. This is because late at night is the only time I can do whatever I want without someone calling me to do something. So I get to 10 or 11 PM and figure I'm finally not "on call"... I'm finally not going to get bothered... and it feels like my day finally starts. This causes me to stay up late doing what I wanted to do during the day; but I still have to wake up early to take care of stupid work... so I just end up being tired every day. Old John wouldn't have let himself live like this. He was never this desperate for money, to sacrifice his own happiness.

3) Politics... Sorry, I still don't care. I know I should care, but I don't. If I were to care, I would just become frustrated by how ignorant this country is. Bush is going to win... sorry everyone, but the country's too stupid to see how he's NOT helping us as a country. One of my favorite "what if" scenarios is the "what if Gore was President? How would he have handled the attacks on 9/11?" This is an argument for Bush over Gore. Has it ever occurred to those people that perhaps Bush being President was one of the reasons the attacks happened in the first place? We've heard the 'rumor' that the administration knew that something was being planned... has this possibility even crossed those people's minds? How about this... have we heard anything about the thousands of military men and women who've died for no reason in Iraq? We can talk all we'd like about "freeing" people (yes Ken, this means you)... but I'm not willing to pay that price. Additionally, NO ONE seems to be talking about the 10,000 Iraqi civilians who have died. Civilians! I'm sorry, this doesn't seem like a kind of freedom I'd want.
But, then again, it doesn't matter. Nothing's going to change, regardless of what I say or write. And do you know why nothing's going to change? Because there are too many ignorant, apathetic people in the country. I was talking to Brian tonight and I surprised myself by saying what I thought the problem was... the problem is *gasp* democracy! That's right, kiddies. Easily half the people in this country shouldn't have any say in what we do as a country. I'm not sure what the best government is... as I haven't studied them... but democracy, in the American incarnation, pretty much sucks.

4) Insensitivity... Walking down the street, ignoring everyone who asks for change. Treating them as less than human... even to the point that I'm angry when I'm asked. How could one be angry? Easy... the feeling that I'm being cheated... that I'm being somehow taken advantage of, particularly in that they're playing on my emotions. What have I done to quell that? I've stopped feeling (again... this isn't the first time)... and I've created a "character" for walking in Chicago. This person doesn't feel, doesn't notice people, and doesn't care. This person is a part of new John that didn't exist before... and he's the reason new John is no good.
Here's an example of why new John's no good: While leaving my building to head to my car (probably to drive to work), an older man who lives in my building stopped me. He said "Young man?", which I instantly inwardly objected to... condescending piece of... At any rate, the dude says "Young man? When you pass through the gate, it's nice to take the time to close it." Pause... looks at me looking at him probably like I thought he was an idiot. "Otherwise the gate makes a loud noise, and it's just... the gate makes a loud noise when it slams closed, so if you could just make sure to take the time to close it." I then dismissively said "Okay" and walked away. While walking away, I started muttering what I wanted to say... "It's fucking Chicago. We hear sirens at least half a dozen times a day, and you're worried about GATE noise?!" and "Tell the fucking building people to fix it, if it's a problem"... and it took me sitting in my car to realize that I was unnecessarily hostile towards that man. He's just trying to make this stupid building more like a community. Where people are nice and civil to each other, and I damn near bit his head clean off. If I had been a little more tired or just a tad more stressed, I would've told him where he could stick that gate.
I need a vacation.