Not sleeping
Well, if you've been paying attention to my post times for the past week or so, you might have noticed that I haven't really been sleeping well recently. Actually, I just checked, and that's a lie. You see, I start making a post and then I save it to finish it later, especially if I'm too tired to write intelligently. But, whatever, trust me when I say that I haven't been sleeping well recently. Hey, I've got it... if you've been paying attention to my AIM away messages and stuff, THEN you'd know I wasn't sleeping well. Right... it doesn't matter. I should just get to the point. Okay. So I went home for Thanksgiving, and my family got me sick. Since then, I tried keeping my normal hours (waking up about 8:30-9AM), but I just ended up still feeling sick, and like I needed more sleep. So I spent a couple days sleeping in. And, let me tell you, I slept in until noon one day; and on a day when Jim came to visit, I slept all morning and most of the afternoon. On those days I felt better, but I couldn't get to sleep that night, and I would end up feeling bad again the next day. This lead me to a non-scheduled schedule, where I wake up whenever I damn well feel like it. The problem here is that I end up not being able to sleep until past 4 AM. Also, it's hot as Hell in my apartment. That has nothing to do with the time thing, but it does make it uncomfortable to try to sleep. I'm naturally warm, and having a warm apartment is just too much.
What the hell is my point? My point is that, for days now, I've been up late. And while I'm up late, I've been re-reading my blog from last year. While reading the first few posts, I thought to myself that I've really come a VERY long way as a writer, just by forcing myself to mentally/verbally diarrhea all over my computer once every day or two. Don't think about images, just move on. But, by the time I get to December, it seems as though I've really found my voice as a writer... at least in blog form. The way I tell stories... the way I play with my reader a bit... the way I am able to go from making myself seem like the most egotistical man in the universe to someone who has serious self-esteem issues, most of the time in the same paragraph... it's all in there.
I do find myself reading it, wishing I could tell that naive young man what will happen to him in the next year... so that he doesn't get so invested in that stupid job. I also find myself being surprised what I'm willing to openly share with my "audience". The suicide post hit me pretty hard in retrospect... but since I had already shared it with everyone, I was able to talk openly with my dad about it a few months back. He said pretty much the same thing I was saying back then, "Just think about how your mother and I would have felt" etc. I know, Dad, that's why I didn't do it. I saw how preoccupied I was with finding a girlfriend. Wow, was I hurt. Holy crap. Looking at the writing as someone distanced from it, it's pretty f--king obvious (remember when I didn't swear on this blog? What happened to that?!). I was trying to play the pity card pretty much every day. Even I'm like, "Give it a rest, you little bitch". At least now I can sit here and say that I'm really not worried about having a girlfriend or a relationship. I wouldn't want to bring anyone into the constant stage cluster f--k that is my life currently.
I also see that I've kept my New Year's Resolution about moving forward (unfortunately it also means not being there for people from the past... whoops!), and I've kept the resolution about not referring to myself as fat. I even lost a fair bit of weight this year, thanks to Thad.
Additionally, I was turning every which way for answers to some of my life questions. I think part of the moving blindly forward I did this year erased the need for me to have those questions answered. I rarely think about a "higher power" or "life's meaning"... because I'm too busy just doing the stupid shit that I've decided is going to fill my life.
Finally, it should be a lot easier to piece together a Top Ten Best and Worst list this year because everything's in my blog. The whole year will have been chronicled, for better and worse. I can easily pick out the #1 worst thing... but it should be interesting to see what makes the list this year. Trips to Vegas, performing with Euphonics again, performing at Second City, and Jean's wedding all have a possibility of making the list, and I'm just pulling stuff from off the top of my head right now. We'll see. Maybe I'll be Stephen J. Gould about this and put my blog on the list. Not likely.