Jumpin' Off Houses!
Before I get into anything else, I have to tell you how incredibly irritating I find the TILT commercials on ESPN. They just keep playing over and over and over... like I give two shits about a movie about poker players. A movie about poker players made by ESPN, no less. What the feces? And I just figured out that TILT is a series... so I'm going to get these crap commercials until they "Playmakers" it (read: cancel it).

Tonight was also week two of my Conservatory Class. Before we started, I was sitting there, shootin' the poop with Fernando, doing that "is that what the kids are saying now-a-days?" schtick that I seem to never get tired of. And, for some reason, I said that something was so cool it was "jumpin' off houses." I don't know why that both struck us as funny, but we just thought it would be hilarious if people on the street started saying "Yo' ride is jumpin' off houses, B!" We think we're funny.
For the second half of class, Gellman had us start off space-walking. This is simply walking through a free space; no astronauts needed (sorry Court!). And we're walking and we're walking... and Gellman tells us to imagine we're on a beach somewhere. What do we hear? What do we smell? What does the sand feel like? Is it rocky? etc. I imagined myself on Lake Michigan at the beach here in Chicago. It was cold, but not winter... and the sun was just beginning to set. And there was no one around. I couldn't even hear the cars... just the water softly breaking on the beach. He then moved us to our least favorite urban street... and I found myself on Clybourn near Cabrini Green. It was dark, but a clear night... not really a cloudy sky. There were rusted parked cars on the street and it smelled of sewage. It's not just sewage though--I call it "city smell". You know it when you smell it. There were only a few street lights on, and the sidewalk was littered with paper and broken glass. It felt cold... and not a good cold at the beach, a "dark" cold. I started rubbing my arms to keep warm. He then said that we were invisible and could explore the street as we saw fit. The cold subsided and my curiosity took hold. I went up to boarded up windows and looked inside... I saw dusty rooms and broken furniture. He then told us to go to our favorite street... and I found myself instantly back at Albion, walking down the sidewalk of Hannah Street, about to see if anything was up in the KC or down at the theatre, when Gellman said "You're favorite street with shops." I drew a blank. In retrospect, I should have picked Michigan Avenue in historic downtown Big Rapids because I know it the best... but I didn't. Instead, I picked a street in (I think) Frankenmuth that I've probably only been to once... but it just popped into my head. I found myself on the front lawn of a candy store that looks like a house from the outside. It has trees and a little walk-way out front that leads to the street. The street is on a hill, and up the hill was a fudge shop... and down the hill was a pancake house that didn't exist on that street, but, rather, in St. Ignace, Michigan. I don't know why I put it there, but it was there. As I was exploring this half-made-up street, Gellman told us that there was a shop there we've never seen before, down some stairs, with an old-looking, thick wooden door and a brass handle. He told us to go down the stairs and open the door. Inside, he said, was a store filled with all my favorite things from my childhood up until now--it's as if someone stocked this store just for you. So I looked around... and on one of the counters was a book filled with all of the Marvel Comics collector's cards... from when I used to collect them... and on the shelf below them was the Marvel action figures... and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures... and next to the action figures was a couple of stuffed gorillas... and above the stuffed gorillas was XBox game. I pulled out KOTOR II to look at, and then put it back. Next to the games was a huge Lego set. And I was about to take apart some of the Legos, but Gellman noticed a glowing green door in the corner of the shop. Go to it, he said. As I approached the door, he told me it was locked. Look for the key, he advised. I looked on a shelf next to the glowing door... I brushed off book after book... and there it was, under an old cowbell. I took the key and the green door opened. I was in a long hallway with no doors. Gellman said that the hallway was empty, expect for mirrors on the sides of the hallway. In the mirrors was me, of course. But not just my reflection... every side of me. There was ComputerHelpDesk!John, Corporate!John, Jealous!John, Stage!John, Friend!John, InLove!John... and as I walked through this hallway, I started to become over-whelmed by... myself. My eye started to tear up... I couldn't stand seeing all the sides of myself at once... it was too much! Then Gellman told me to notice that I had entered a forest, when I was preoccupied with the mirrors. I was so relieved! I was in the woods by Adam LeClaire's house in Big Rapids. It was dark, but I knew there was still daylight. The pine smell filled my lungs, and I swatted a spider-web out of my face as I stepped over a log. I tried to move quietly because I could hear deer rustling in the brush to my right. I then came across a small creek. Rather than hop over it, I walked through it... letting it get my pants a little wet. Just a little water, no harm done. But the creek became a raging river... there was no turning back. As I moved forward through the other side of the forest... I began to notice it's differences. The trees weren't pine anymore... they were more like maple trees. They felt plastic, but looked real... and there was a sparkle in the air. I began to realize the forest's magic. It was enchanted. There was a small orange mushroom on the ground... I picked it up and smelled it. Even licked it... it didn't taste good. I don't like mushrooms. So I walked deeper into the forest... and it became clear to me that the forest was closing in behind me. For every step I took... the forest would close behind me... the trees covering the path. Up ahead was a tunnel. I entered it. It was just a big, earthy, round hole... but there was a torch near the entrance. I took it and made my way into the tunnel. It was dark, but clean... in that there weren't many rocks in my way. It was just a round hole... as if something had burrowed through it. I noticed that I was moving up through the hole... the hole was going up to something. I kept the torch in front of me... and kept climbing up the tunnel. It soon became clear that the hole was man-made, and the sides of the hole became rock and then stone: a smooth stone, as if someone had taken great care in the tunnel's construction. There was a light at the end of this tunnel. I made my way to it. At the end of the tunnel there was an arch-way that opened to the largest castle hall I had ever seen. The ceiling was so high, I could barely see it. And there were tapestries on the wall... simple, but elegant. Most were one color... green or red... with a different design in each center. At the middle of this great dining hall was a round table. As I made my way to it, I realized it was filled with my favorite foods and my favorite drinks. I put my torch down inside the candelabra, and I popped open a can of Fresca... after all that exploring, it was the greatest tasting drink I had ever had. I then dug into a big plate of fettucini alfredo... but then I heard a loud thud from outside. "No," I thought "Not until I have some of this cake!" But then the thud hit the castle wall... and I knew I wasn't safe. On the other side of the hall was another tunnel. I grabbed my torch and made it to the other tunnel. This tunnel went down... and it was rockier and dirtier than the first tunnel. There were even places when I had to squeeze myself through, just barely getting the torch and myself through. And there were also crystals... brilliant crystals that glistened under the torch light. I touched one and then licked my hand... it tasted salty. I then came to a dead-end. But there was a crawl-space below where I could crawl through. I hit the ground, pushing the torch ahead of me, and crawled through. On the other side of the dead-end was an underground river and a path. I followed the path for a while and noticed an odd silver metallic piece in the ground. I didn't know what it was for, it was like nothing I had ever seen... just a large lump of silver, but with sharper, smoother edges. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. I became aware that I was surrounded by ancient stalagmites and stalactites. I touched my hand to one of them and licked it... it tasted salty too, but a little like iron. The air then started to smell like sulfer and I put my arm up to my mouth to keep from coughing. It didn't help much, and I still coughed as I walked. I kept following the river until, up ahead, I could see a shiny golden cube. I walked up to it. It was unlike anything I had ever seen in my life. It was certainly man-made, as it was a perfect cube... and it looked welded and riveted in places, but it was such a brilliant gold color that I knew it couldn't be any metal I have ever encountered. I walked around the entire cube. On the backside of the cube was an opening... just a sliver of an opening. I knew I couldn't fit my hand in if I was still holding the torch, so I dropped it and slid inside. In the cube was a disc. I stood on it. As if responding to my weight, the cube started moving UP. Even though I was moving through solid earth, the cube did so with ease. Then I started moving sideways, and I was able to see all the dead civilizations buried deep beneath the surface, and I realized that I must have been the only person to ever see all of history so clearly like this. Then the cube moved up again and I reached the surface! When I got out of the cube, something was very different. I was in a very arid place. I looked up and there were two suns, one red and one a bright white. I looked down at my two shadows. While looking down, I noticed that the sand I thought I was standing on wasn't really sand. I bent down and picked some up. It behaved like sand... had granules like sand... but felt more solid under my feet. Even spongy. Off in the distance were mountains. Behind me... was what appeared to be an oasis. It looked like a small pool of water with palm trees surrounding it. I started walking towards it. It got further away. The faster I walked, the faster it left me... and I started running... and it got further away! So I stopped; and the oasis came to me. What had looked like water from a distance was actually a weird gelatin like substance. It was congealed like gelatin, but behaved in my hands like water. I tasted some... it tasted awful, nothing like water. It was like licking a smelly foot. I tried to see if the plants might have had some food. I picked a coconut looking fruit from off the tree. I tried to open it with my hands to no avail. I stepped on it as hard as I could and just ended up hurting my foot. But then, across the "water" I noticed what looked like a rose garden. I walked to it. I walked into it... and found myself on a polar ice cap, surrounded by snow, and standing on ice. The oasis was gone... and I tried to make my way across the ice to seek shelter. In the distance I saw what looked like an elevator door... just the door. I skated (not very gracefully) to it. It had a button with an arrow pointing down. I hit the button and the doors opened. I hopped inside and immediately started to warm up my ears with my hands, and then my hands by blowing in them. Inside the elevator was another button that said "Down". I pressed it, and the elevator moved downwards. When the elevator doors opened, I found myself in a statue garden. But not a normal statue garden, all the statues were made of pure light. And, as I approached the statues, I noticed that they were all depicting the greatest moments of my life. There was a statue of me introducing James Earl Jones in front of thousands of people; and there was a statue of me singing with the Euphonics; and there was a statue of me playing with Outer Core; and a statue of my first kiss; and a statue of falling in love in the snow under a Christmas tree; and as I walked through the garden, my eyes started to tear up again. But not from feeling overwhelmed like before, rather from the pure nostalgia of it all. I came upon a gate... it was locked with no handle. I didn't know what to do. Try using that piece of metal you put in your pocket, Gellman advised. I did and it worked. On the other side of the gate was a door which opened back into the store filled with my favorite things. Gellman gave us a choice: Take the green door back where you were, or take the door back to the street. Which do you think I chose?
At what point in that narrative did you forget that I was in a classroom with fifteen other people? I hope that happened to you, because I wrote this that way on purpose. Even though I was in a classroom with fifteen other people, and even though Gellman talked us through the whole process... the people, and even his voice, all melted away once I really got into it. It was just me and my adventure into the unknown. I honestly have no idea how long that exercise took. It may have been over an hour, in all honesty... we had that much time left in class. And here I am, a grown man with a degree in Philosophy, no less, having his mind completely blown away by the pure simplicity and sheer dominance of the human imagination. Yes, my eyes really teared up at the emotional flood of seeing myself and my past; yes, I really coughed because of the "sulfer smell"; yes, I really crawled on the ground (even brushed myself off); yes, I really thought that Fresca was the best thing I ever tasted... simply amazing.

Tonight I went to see a show called NaperVegas. It is a sketch show written and performed by three of the writers from Maybe This Isn't the Right Forum for This... (and other people performed in it as well). It was all about the Suburbs... and sketches and songs (full cast songs, by the way... which is something my group needs to start doing) all about Suburban life. It's a very tight show... and it's creative and fun; and the writers have really seemed to boil down their experience of growing up where they did. It's only further solidified in my mind that I'm going to need to make sure that I AM the white, straight, male, rural, Michigander in my Conservatory class... because I'm the only one in that class who knows what that's like.

#4 Post of 2004 - The Best and Worst of 2003! There's something very post-modern about me referencing my list on my list. And there's something very Stephan J. Gould about it, too. But, honestly, here is a post/idea that I liked SO much that I'm doing the same thing a year later. And not only am I doing the same thing, I added to it! It was such a good idea that I'll probably keep doing it as long as I kept posting on this blog. So this is more about the idea behind it rather than the list itself... although my ability to encapsulate the entire year into twenty items is remarkable... let's not forget that. That I am remarkable. And modest.