Rest In Peace: The Reverend Karol Woityla May 18 1920 - April 2, 2005
Or, as he's more commonly known, Pope John Paul II. This weekend's passing of the Pope marks the single most important development in my young Catholic life. On October 16, 1978, JPII was elected as the 264th pope of the Roman Catholic Church (the first pope from Poland [the rest of the Polish people were busy screwing in light bulbs... Was that a joke?], and the first non-Italian pope in 455 years). The timing of his election means that he has been the only pope I have ever known. Additionally, my name--John Paul--has always led people (especially at church) to ask if I was named after the Pope. No, I was not... but it wouldn't have been so bad if I had been. He was the pope who apologized for the Holocaust, when all his predecessors had seemed to pretend it didn't happen. He was the pope who sat and prayed with the man (Mehmet Ali Agca) who had attempted to assassinate him. He was the pope who spoke with Arafat and Castro, and other demagogues such as Bush. He was also the pope who rejected such "radical" ideas as the ordination of women, birth control, and lifting the celibacy requirements of priests. For as good a man, as holy a man, as he was... the Catholic Church has needed someone a little more progressive for a very long time.
And so, while I morn the loss of a truly good man, I am excited at the potential of a new pope who will bring with him new ideas. A pope who will bring with him women priests, married priests, and an acceptance for "alternate lifestyles"... be they co-habitating couples, homosexuals, or people who decide it's better to be divorced than raise children in an unhappy, violent, or abusive environment. A pope who will bring peace and harmony to a world in such dire need of both. A pope who will bring with him... me.
And now I wait to see what the cardinals will do. I find the papal election process to be quite fascinating. Each cardinal will write the name of his candidate on a ballot and then will fold it twice, drop it in an urn, and speak an oath over the urn. Think: the end of any episode of Survivor. Then the names are read by three separate cardinals (scrutineers, I think, are the name for them) in a "read it and pass it down" kind of way. A man would need two-thirds (66.6%) of the vote to become elected pope. I find this the oddest part of the whole process. They are, in essence, voting to decide who gets to be the new "messenger of God"... the embodiment of God's word on Earth for Catholics worldwide. And he's elected like some member of the "student council"?
You know what I suggest? A talent show. If you want to be the new pope, let's see how many languages you can speak. Let's see whether or not you can juggle multiple items of varied size and weight at the same time. Let's see how well you eat fire. Let's see how good you like in an evening gown. Maybe that last one's a little too far. I simply think a talent contest of some kind is a better way of picking a pope than by secret ballot of a bunch of old white men. Hell, televise the talent contest and let us vote--American Idol style--over the phone for the winner. All proceeds from the phone calls could go towards Catholic charities. And we'll see how well water is turned into wine with 100 million people watching. THAT'S pressure. And I meant any kind of water... not just well water. That was a joke no one got, but then you went back to reread my previous sentence and you got it. That's grammar, homes.
I am currently sitting in BR, MI... on my mother's computer, no less. I had my last root canal/dentist appointment this morning, but I wanted to stick around and get some more free food. Besides, I'll be able to watch the NCAA game with my dad tonight if I stay here... so I am. I mention all this because I wanted to get my mother's perspective on the JPII situation. Being in the convent for 8 years gives her a unique perspective, I feel. Honestly, I thought she would speak only highly of him and how much he'll be missed... but I was mistaken. She talked passionately against all the Catholics she saw on TV who were acting as though JPIIs passing marked the death of God himself. "God didn't die!" she'd say. She then talked about Pope John 23rd (I'd do that in Roman Numerals for you, but I don't know how) (XXIII, I just figured it out). John XXIII was the greatest pope of her lifetime, she argued. He was a very holy man who wasn't concerned with what other people thought of him... he did what the Holy Spirit guided him to do, she said. She was angry that some Catholics are talking about using "Great" before JPII because "Great" has only been used to describe two other popes in the history of the 264 popes (Gregory and...?), and if "Great" was going to be added to any pope, it should be John XXIII and not JPII. I told her that I should be the next pope... because I wouldn't even have to change my stationary. Plus, I could be John Paul III: The Revenge of the Sith. My mom wasn't as amused as I was. My dad laughed... but he IS the bad influence in the family.
Regardless, the next few weeks will bring about a very reserved excitement from yours truly, as the new pope is elected. I secretly am hoping that a particular cardinal from Africa is elected... meaning the first black pope ever. I don't know what his views are... but I know that, just in vanity alone, the Catholic Church would be making great strides forward by being openly colorblind to their papal candidates. To clarify, the colorblindness would come from the church itself... I would obviously be rejoicing and making a big deal that the Catholics are obviously the greatest/most progressive religion ever. Heehee. Or maybe a man could be elected who says "Lifetime appointment, huh? Can't be revoked? My word is Catholic law? Well, then... *gets into bulletproof Popemobile* I'm gay and I say there's nothing wrong with that! Ha!" Wouldn't that be something? Millions of conflicted Catholics all around the world would be forced to actually deal with homosexuals as people instead of ignoring them or just openly damning them to an eternity of Hell. Or, better yet, somehow a woman is elected pope. Wouldn't that be great? "First of all, God thinks women are equal. Secondly, stop all this fighting. Thirdly, um... clean your room" or something equally amazing would happen.
I still think you should vote for me... JPIII for Pope!