Stagnation Station
For at least the past week I've been pounded by the hammer of apathy. I don't feel like doing anything--I'm stagnant, bored, my time and energy wasted--and nothing is getting accomplished. I had a list, a whole LIST of things to do Monday... and I barely did anything. I'm so preoccupied by my own unhappiness... by my own mental and physical paralysis... that it causes further displeasure, further immobility, and so on. It's the vicious cycle I find myself in almost quarterly. Hell, you could damn near set your calendars to it. Not that anyone sets a calendar... but you get my point.
I think what only adds to this "mood" or "state" is that I've been having ethical and mental second-thoughts about my blog. For damn near two years I've posted whatever I felt like typing on this blog, and recently it's given me a lot of trouble: most famously from the Trips (I'm not using their full name lest they 'google' it again), and more personally from the mother of a friend of mine who found it because I used my friend's name repeatedly (which was then 'googled'). I am now at a cross-roads and have two options, as far as I'm concerned: 1) Not care what other people think and continue to be 'hard-hitting,' honest, and free; 2) Use abbreviations and nicknames, making communication with people more difficult, but allowing me more freedom to say what and how I feel. I hate abbreviations... and I feel this blog would become less appealing if it were 'encrypted,' but I feel my back is up against a metaphoric wall. I don't know if I have a choice... and I HATE not having a choice.
So here I find myself... unable to move forward, but horribly unhappy with where I am. I guess the only choice I have is to back track and hope I can find another way forward from there. But now I've become so wrapped and tangled in my metaphoric blanket that I fear I may have been interwoven. And I just did it again. My point is that I don't know how to go backwards... where would that be? I guess the only thing I can do is my assignment for my writing class Tuesday night, more errands in an effort to finish off my list, and continue to take things one day at a time.
It's so f--king hot in my apartment at night! Ugh!!! I'm just full of complaints! I must be wearing the complainer pants!