CrazyJohn on Halloween-
Yes, kiddies, it's Halloween again. And I'm sure you all want to know why I dislike it so much... as I'm sure you all know that Halloween isn't my "thing." I think it has a lot to do with the bastardization of the actual holiday... transformed from a day of the dead; for some a day to honor the souls of the dead (like saints), for others a day to mess around with witchcraft, voodoo, and the like, for still others a day to think that butterflies carry the souls of the dead and this makes them happy for some reason, and, for Druids, a day to sacrifice things... lots of things.
But what, my dear children, do you think of when you think of Halloween now? You think of crappy costumes, candy, and (if you're a bit older) just another reason to get drunk and act like an idiot. Oh... yes... you dressing up like J Lo and acting like a whore is exactly what the Celts had in mind.
I guess a lot of the problem I have has to do with the "come as you aren't" concept. As an idealist, I feel that you should have the freedom to be, dress, and act however you want to be, dress, or act... and relying on a holiday to let you feel free is pretty weak (almost as weak as relying on alcohol to do the same thing).
And I know there will be people who say that Halloween is just fun... but I'm not buying. Yes, I'm sure that Halloween can be fun with friends, creativity, and a level of ignorance that only adult beverages can bring... but these are all things to which I am not exactly "privy." >sigh<
Hell, people, it's not exactly like I LIKE being a bastard about everything all the time... it's just what I do best.
And there ARE holidays I like. Surprised? I even made a list...

My Top Five National Holidays that I Actually Like
(Honorable Mention: Saint Patrick's Day... It's the only day that I can feel good about my huge head, large ears, and bright red facial hair... and it's my Susan's Birthday and she's the greatest)
5. Memorial Day- Great memories from High School... parades... honoring those who have died for this country... picnics... hamburgers... it's a good day.
4. Easter- Chocolate... honoring the resurrection of Christ... and for us Catholics, finally being able to eat chocolate, swear, have sex, or whatever we gave up without having to worry about eternity in Hell... hooray!
3. New Year's Day- Staying up late with friends... pretending the new year won't suck ass like the last year... lots of hope... and a full DAY of college football!
2. Christmas- Birth of Christ... presents... tree... lights... snow... that's pretty much it as far as this holiday is concerned.
1. Thanksgiving! Yeah... Thanksgiving is probably easily my favorite holiday. It's a whole day to think about how good you have it, while eating WAY TOO MUCH food (I'm a fat man, remember?) and watching football. How could anything be better than a day of food and football? I don't know... but we get time off school to figure it out. And it's a day for family... which is probably why Christmas and Thanksgiving are #1 and 2... while the other days are nice, Christmas and Thanksgiving are family-centered holidays... and I think that is what really says "holiday" to me. Hooray for Steenos! And I'm done... Have a Happy "Get Candy Just For Dressing Up and Asking For It" Day.
Hmm... I think I'll dress up like a sane person today. Have a sane day.

Here's something I wrote in class last night. The exercise is to start with one emotion (in this case excitement) and end two pages later with the complete opposite emotion (in this case a calm or tranquility) while showing the complete change in the character's emotion. By the way... I got to "perform" this in class and it was pretty fun :) So... here it is:

OH MY GOD! I can't believe that I have backstage passes to see KISS! KISS!!! The band that defined my entire existence for the better part of a decade! Well... maybe not the better part, but for a really really long time! I'll get to be face to face with Gene Simmons and I can finally ask him all those questions I've been meaning to ask. In 1980, I even made a list of all the questions I would ask Gene if I ever met him... I was going through a list making phase at the time... what? That's completely normal.
Anyway, as soon as I find the list I'm going to hop in my car and head to the show. Wait... maybe I should paint my face. Oh... ok... find the list first, then paint my face, then I'm going to Rock and Roll all night... with KISS! BACKSTAGE! Because I have a pass... that's right. I wonder what I did with the pass. Hmm... Ok... find the list, paint the face, find the pass, Party backstage! We'll be making "Chicago Rock City"... heh heh. Wow... I made a lot of lists that year... Oh forget it... I can make a new list! Number one... what's it like to be in KISS??! Number two... what's the deal with your tongue? Was that genetic or something you had done? Oh... I need to make sure to say GENEtic... he'll get a kick out of that. Number three... um... ah... how do you normally rock all night long? Is it like this? or are there more... um... balloons? Ok... that's kind of a good one. Number four... um... I... really don't have anything else to ask. In fact, I don't think I could name the other three guys. And I only know two of their songs. >sigh< I wonder what's on Sportscenter...

CrazyJohn and Crazy Dream Number 2-
I don't remember as much of this dream as last night's... but I do remember that my roommate from freshman year, Rob, showed up and I was like "Sorry I can't catch up now Rob, my clone and I are trying to save the world... and I've gotta go >insert something heroic here<". Yeah... that's right... it was a "save the world" dream... and I do remember watching something that looked like the grunts from Halo being blown away. And I do remember that I was very confident that I would save the world because, a la Groundhog Day, I had already saved the world from this exact situation... and there were two of me. Nyquil is some good shit... let me tell you. That's really all I have to say about that... have a crazy day :)
PS The Strokes are a useless useless band.

CrazyJohn on being gracious-
Ok, so a guy stopped me tonight and gave me a sob story about how he was trying to feed three people and needed money to buy some Hamburger Helper or something, right? Ok... so he said he had two dollars and some cents and he needed three dollars and a lot more cents... so this was his salespitch to me, k? So I gave the guy sixty cents (which is what I had) and he looks at me all disappointed. Disappointed??!!! You're now sixty cents closer to your goal, asshole, and the only work you did was ask some fat white guy for money (by the way... a fat white guy is a pretty safe bet for money... I mean, he's gotta get money for ALL THAT FOOD somehow)... so don't give me that "oh shit, I know you got more money than this" look... You just got money for free... be f--king gracious, or at least indifferent as opposed to being disappointed. Please!

CrazyJohn and the dream...
The dream starts out with me sitting in on my dad's class. But he's not teaching in a classroom, he's teaching in a high rise building... and he's only teaching two people (one male and one female). At one point in his lecture, he asks me my opinion and I mock him and both students laugh and so does he. Then the rest of the room started filling with people who were aparently about to start a meeting. Uh... yeah... that makes sense. And speaking of making sense... the next part of the dream WAY makes sense... as I notice that there are doughnuts and sweet rolls and muffins in the room. But most of them are for the meeting, so I go from one pile of yummy-ness to another, each time finding out that they're for the meeting instead of my dad's class.
So, because of the meeting, we had to leave the room... and as I was leaving, I realized that I was standing next to a guru in the field of tv... some exec guy... and I thought "well... maybe I could hit him up for some equipment for the Albion TV channel". So I started talking to him about how Albion didn't give their student run channel any money or equipment... and how hard "we" had to work to get cameras, moniters, and a space to film. So I guess he wanted to see what I meant, so we went down to the basement to someplace that looked like a cross between a dungon and a sewer. And his entourage and I walked through the damp, dungy sewerlike space and ended up outside. Upon walking outside, we saw a bunch of random college age people standing around in a heavily wooded area with all sorts of fallen leaves on the ground and it was all "fall colors" on the ground... yellow, some orange, hint of brown. So I walked up to these people and I was handed a video camera and asked to film. So I hold up the camera, and one of the people starts singing... so I focus the camera on them, and then another person starts singing, so I move the camera to focus on them... and then a group of people start singing and I'm having a tough time finding them, then I find them and I have a tough time focusing... and then the "video" is done. I hand the camera back and start walking around a hill. At one point I notice that I'm being followed... but I keep walking with my head down. Then I start walking on some bricks... and there are a couple steps down.... and then I realize that I'm about fifteen feet in the air, standing on the brick trim of someone's house. I am aided in this realization by the fact that the home owner is also standing on his trim fifteen feet in the air. Unfortunately, those guys following me have also found themselves on the trim, so there's no where for me to go. Then the homeowner shows us a small window we can sneak through... and we have to hold up menus with windows in them to get through the window... and the first guy went through with some difficulty and then it was my turn and...
My alarm went off. Which I'm happy about because I'm afraid of heights and I didn't want to have to get through that window... but I have to wonder if I died up there. Wait... no... I think I'm sitting on my floor watching Sportscenter. Either way... have a crazy day :)

CrazyJohn on that F--king Gate!-
There is a gate behind my building... it is in between the alley/parking lot directly behind my building and the bigger parking lot that is shared by my building and the building behind mine. This bigger lot is completely gated... so it isn't what I would call a "high traffic" area. And every time I try to go through the gate to get to class... the gate is locked. Now... no one but people in my building use that gate... and my building isn't going to be "penetrated" from the gate, because we do have that mot.
But, seriously... this is a huge inconvenience because some bastard shoved something in one of the locks, so I have to reach through the gate to the other side to unlock it. Pretty damn inconvenient, huh? That's right. But now that you know about it, I feel a little better, thanks.

This always makes me laugh... heehee...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

#389: I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when Dad approached. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried. I continued to hammer as he came toward me. "Son," he said, "why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it." "Oh, I'm not using nails," I replied. "I'm just hammering." With that, I returned to my hammering. Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad. "I said, stop hammering!" he yelled. I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news. "Look," he said, "you can hammer later, but first-" Well, I didn't even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard "You can hammer," that's what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer dog. Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, 'cause that's the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and made me stop. "I'm afraid I have some news for you," he said. I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm's length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that's all. That apparently didn't make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field. And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that, I just couldn't take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me. "Son, come back!" yelled Dad. "What about your hammer?!" But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice. "As long as you're pounding, why not use this?" I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad's outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him. Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with drugs, I like to tell him this story.

CrazyJohn on just being too tired-
So I'm the kind of guy who likes to figure out what's going on... all the time. I like to know where I stand with people, what mood people are in, how far I can push their buttons, whether they need cheering up, etc. But now I find myself only being able to keep up with people by checking their away messages, or talking to them online... and this makes my particular brand of anal omniscience difficult. Now I see away messages about how my friends are upset, depressed, lonely, angry, frustrated... and I'm not sure how to go about making them feel better because I'm not sure why they're upset, depressed, etc. I suppose the easy remedy to this is to just ask them what's up... but that doesn't always work. In fact, it seems to rarely work lately. I think the worst part is when I'm confused as to whether I'm the actual problem or not. Now I know how self-centered that sounds because, well, I'm me... and I'm the kind of bastard who is that self-centered... but lately I'm not so sure. I worry about the people who I care about who I left back at my school... and I worry about the people who left with me to go to points unknown. I not only worry about them in the general sense, but I also worry that I've somehow done something wrong... something to upset them... not spent enough time with them when I was around... haven't gotten them my new phone number yet and they're upset about it... haven't let them know what I'm up to sufficiently enough to satisfy their curiosity and because of these things they're upset at me.
So, what's wrong with this? you may ask. Isn't this the way things have always been? Well... not really. I'm so much better at this "relationships" thing face-to-face. I am historically terrible at keeping in contact with people who are not in my geographic region... and it's cost me dearly already. So I really want this time to be different... but, having said all that, I just get to a point where I'm too tired for all the head games I play with myself. God... even know I'm wondering about whether or not I should post this, and what repercussions my posting it will have... and I'm sick of that. Like the title says... I have this blog because it's cheaper than therapy (thanks Ken). So what I'm basically doing is trying to convince myself to stop worrying about how my living here and doing what I'm doing is effecting other people, unless those people want to talk to me about it's effect. I could sit here and stress out and get more than three gray hairs (thanks for counting them Laura...) or I could pretend for once in my life that I'm a twenty two year old male and be oblivious like the rest of my kind.
But I can't help the worrying... because I miss you... and I want to know that you still think about me, sometimes, and in nice "he's not ruining my life by running away" kinds of ways. Is that too much to ask? Isn't that what everyone wants?

CrazyJohn on Daylight Savings Time-
To me, there is nothing better than the "fall back" day of daylight savings time. For some reason, that extra hour opens up so many possibilities. Should I take up the guitar with my extra hour? Overthrow a Central American government? Make a sandwich? The possiblities are endless! And, the best part is that it feels like you're ripping someone off. You've stolen an hour from someone who's looking around like "where'd my hour go?"
On the other hand, the "spring forward" day sucks big time. You stand around looking around saying "where'd my hour go?" and that missing hour is almost always taken out of sleeptime. And in that abbreviated sleep, you dream of a day when you have an extra hour to do something exciting... like going to Taco Bell or asking some guy with a watch what time it is for an hour until he has to tell you the same time he told you an hour ago and you say "But, it was 1 AM an hour ago! You're a liar!!!" and then you can punch him in the face for an hour. >sigh< What a great idea Mr. Franklin had! Hope you had a crazy 25 hour day!

Top Five Simple Pleasures
5) Cutting off a stormtrooper's arm with a lightsaber
4) Kicking the crap out of Warren Sapp and the stupid Tampa Bay Bucs in Madden 2004 by 70 points
3) Mail in the mailbox (hooray for Halloween cards!)
2) Peanut Butter and Nutella Sandwiches (mmm... soooo good)
1) Pretty girls calling me to talk out of the blue [you know who you are ;) ]

CrazyJohn on Four Blades-
"Where will it end?" the commercial asks, "Here" it replies itself. Four blades on a razor... when arguably the best shave comes from a sharp single blade and a skilled hand.
Putting a fourth blade on a razor is like putting a fourth blade on a helicopter... is it really better than three? Probably... but does that mean that five blades is better than four? Not necessarily... and who really knows? To the layman... the difference is negligible. We'll probably just give in, if enough companies start making razors with four blades... "oh... it's got one more blade" we'll say " that must make it better." And then we'll buy Kleenex instead of Walgreens facial tissue and Band-Aids instead of Spartan brand bandages... because we don't really know the difference so we go with what we know. Oh... don't think this is important? Think I'm just being stupid? Ok... look at the governor of California. Case closed.

Been a long time... I've got plenty of stuff to add... so here I go:
Top Five Sports Movies of All Time (A list compiled while on the phone with Senior Airman Huhtala)
5) Caddieshack
4) Field of Dreams
3) Hoosiers
2) Slap Shot
1) Major League

CrazyJohn on the last straw-
It has become as regular a daily routine as brushing my teeth or eating lunch... whenever I walk anywhere I am asked for "spare change" by at least three homeless people. I know what you're thinking... because many of you have said it... "that's city life." City life is hard, yes... this I know. And I also know that I'll become hardened the longer I stay here. But I don't think that's what I want. I don't want to be harder... I WANT to feel bad when I see someone who lives on the streets and who doesn't know if they'll be able to eat all day when they wake up. I think you're SUPPOSED to feel bad when you see that happening to a fellow human being... because it's a terrible thing. It just is. And I don't want to be hardened so much that I can see that and not feel anything... but it's so hard to see it every day and not feel overwhelmed and numb.
I went back to my alma mater a few weeks ago and I saw a very good friend of mine who always seems to know me better than anyone else, and after being with me for about two minutes, she said "You've changed." My heart sank as I tried to play it off as "good change or bad change"... I knew it was a bad change. It was about that sparkle in my eyes... "my love of life and my care for other people"... and how it's dimmed. It no longer sparkles quite so bright... it's been numbed by citylife... and I've only been here for a month.
The worst part is (getting political) nothing's going to change. Do you think these people vote? Of course they don't... they have no political voice... they can't say "tax breaks for the rich... what a fucking stupid idea!" because no one is listening. How would they even register to vote? "Yeah... I live in the doorway next to the McDonalds on Wells and North... the doorway protects me from the wind at night."
One of the tricks to playing this off like it's not a problem is to blame drugs... these homeless people are all drug addicts, therefore we shouldn't feel bad that they don't have a home. Well... Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public, if that is the case then please explain to me the smile on the old black man's face as he says "God bless you" because I had 28 fucking cents in my pocket that I could give him. A quarter and three pennies... and he asks God to bless me... >sigh< I wouldn't mind being on the drug he's on.
And it's almost always a "he." Actually... up until tonight it has always been black men asking me for change. And it's getting easier and easier to spot them from a distance. Black males, dark clothes and always a coat, always by himself, and not walking anywhere in a particular hurry. When you've got no home to go to, I guess you don't really need to walk faster than a western saunter. But tonight was different... tonight was "got any spare change, baby?" "Baby"... like she was whoring herself out. I gave her all the change I had in my pocket and she asked for a dollar. "I'm just looking to get me somethin' to eat," she said. "I'm sorry" I replied. I'll give change, but I won't give bills... it's just not what I do. And she looks at me disappointed like I owe her the money or something. And that's when I think to myself "I'm an unemployed comedian living alone in Chicago... what the fuck do you want from me?" Honestly... I owe over $1200 per month for housing, parking, phone, and cable... and that's before food, gas, clothing, and anything else... I have no job... and I just spent $9 on orange juice, grape juice, and a loaf of fucking bread... and you're looking at me like I owe you something? Please.
And this is why I have to get out of this city... desperately. I can't do this... I'm not strong enough.

CrazyJohn on Parking near Elementary Schools-
So there is an elementary school not too far from my apartment. And, since this is the city, there is no actual playground upon which for them to play, so the childrens play on the street. Don't worry those who might worry... it is a side-street that dead-ends so the school can barricade the street when the kiddies are playing. But, as this IS the city and parking is at a premium, people still park down that street.
Herein lies the rant, kiddies. Every day the kids play outside in the street. Every day they set off a car alarm while playing in the street. Every day whoever parks there has to turn off their alarm as slowly as they possibly can. Now, think about this... kids play, alarm goes off, you have to come outside to turn off your f--king irritating alarm, you go back in, kids play more, and so on. You would think, being the smart blogreader you are, that you should cut out the middle man and just not turn on your alarm when you're parked in a place where kids are going to be bouncing soccer balls off your hood. Or you could just be a super huge bastard, turn your alarm on and have it go off EVERY DAY during the afternoon. I think that's what we'll do... thanks! That makes me feel better.

Guest Rebuttal-
"To refute your latest rant (Cable Networks), I would like to point out that I enjoy both Playmakers and [the concept of] Cold Pizza. ESPN has long needed both an exciting fictional drama and a morning show (other than the obligatory Sports Center). Not that these two shows should start a trend. I think we would both much prefer to see a biography on Ty Cobb or Joe Montana than a reality TV show on ESPN. But 'soap operas' about sports are entertaining to many viewers. I think that Playmakers is doing good for ESPN: it touches on major issues like homosexuality, drug abuse, and domestic violence in sports. In doing so, it exposes a side of football that we as the spectators normally do not see.
Item two: Cold Pizza. This is not my favorite sports show. (Top Five: 1. Sports Center 2. Around The Horn 3. Best Damn Sports Show Period 4. NFL Sunday Countdown 5. 54321) I like the spirit is has. The concept is good. What would guys like to see in the morning? Not anything on the regular networks. They need a morning sports show that's part The Man Show, part Sports Center, and part Late Late Show w/ Conan O'brien. Cold Pizza isn't any of these things, but it's trying to be. I laud ESPN for trying, but they need to re-think the morning show format, and who their audience is.
To sum up: Playmakers, good. Cold Pizza, good try. As long as there aren't more than a few 'entertainment' type shows, and ESPN keeps the majority of programs rooted in sports reporting, they'll do fine." -KH
What can I say? Good points are good points... and if you have any good points on any of my rants, feel free to email me. I'm not going to give you my address because if I don't know you I really don't care what you think. No, it is true... it doesn't mean that you're stupid, it just means that I don't care because if I make you mad you can't find me and kick me in the nuts. Moron other things later :)

CrazyJohn on Cable Networks and doing what you're good at:
We've all seen it in our lifetime... do you remember what MTV used to do? You know, PLAY VIDEOS! That's what they are good at... it's what they did better than any other network. Now, I don't think I've seen a video on MTV since Reagan was in office. Now you turn on MTV and you get Jessica Simpson whining about how tough it is to brush lint off of a shirt or strangers living together in a city... like we care how tough it is to live in Hawaii with strangers... I'm sure that the weather really made things tough on that cast... right. Do they even play videos anymore? Do they??? Has anyone seen a video on MTV ever?
And the worst worst WORST of all of this is what ESPN is doing. ESPN is what I watch when I want to see sports... and that's it. I don't want to see a stupid soap opera about football or a crappy reality TV show... I want to watch hockey or a baseball fight where an old man gets thrown head first onto the ground. And now ESPN2 has a breakfast show "Cold Pizza"... which is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. It's like, "hey, let's have sports, but let's also have a segment on video games and new TV shows... because we need to 'keep up' with other channels." NO! You're ESPN! Just do sports!!! You're driving me insane! The worst part is that I don't know where I would go to find sports if ESPN pulled an MTV and just stopped their sports coverage altogether. There's no where to go... no salvation. Once ESPN falls, so will civilization... (in a very Matrix sort of way... I don't know).
So, please, ESPN execs (because I know you read my blog) just stick with the sports, or I'll be stuck watching the 24 hour Slamball Channel and looking to embrace my early death. Thank you.

CrazyJohn on Orange Juice-
I've seriously drank enough orange juice to piss out a complete orange... which I hope doesn't happen. I won't really going into now, as some of you might be eating... but just think blowing a watermelon through a straw. Ouch!

Here's a list I made sometime last week:

Top Five things that make me feel lonelier than I thought they would
5) Picking out my own cereal (cereal is the ultimate compromise with your roommate... because there's no way you both like the same cereals... it just doesn't happen... one man's Froot Loops is another man's bowl of multi-colored crap)
4) Having complete control of the remote all the time (every once in a while, you want to be forced to watch crap just because it's a good way to find new shows... like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy)
3) My own closet (nothing says "yes... you are living on your own" like having the proper amount of closet space for all your stupid clothes)
2) A cold bed at night (this one goes without saying, doesn't it? But I used to love the feel of a cold bed at night... weird, huh?)
1) My own box of cookies (when I was younger, it never seemed like I got enough of the cookies... they were always eaten before I felt like I was done eating them... you know? But now that I can have my own box... I have one or two cookies and that's all I can handle. So a single box of cookies lasts months when you live by yourself.)

Of course this list was made before I got sick. Yes... getting sick when you live by yourself is probably about as lonely as you can feel... as there is no one around to take care of you and walking two miles to get nyquil is just a bit much... This leads me to...
CrazyJohn on colds-
I don't know if there's anything worse when you have a cold then to go outside and have it be a bright, sunny day. Walking around a warm city with a runny nose and coughing and just feeling tired... is not cool. You want the weather to match your mood... you want it to be cloudy and maybe some rain... but not all "happy" and "sunny."
But, like I said before, it's really feeling weak and crappy that allows the loneliness to really kick in. But it's ok... and do you know why, kiddies? It's ok because of the Ruben Salazar Bilingual Education Center. That's right!
So there is a map of the United States on the road near the Salazar Center... and I'm sure that the kids there learn where they live in relation to the rest of the country. A wise women was recently interested by this... as she had always learned she lives here >point to Michigan< and now she lives in a different state. All the children in her new state live with a different sense of place, a different sense of home... and this thought finally hit me today as I saw the children playing on the map of the US. There's a freedom that comes with living somewhere that isn't midwestern Michigan... and I've finally realized it today. None of these kids will have to worry about getting around the lakes to go to a different state.... the way I did. Even people from Detroit can't possibly understand it, as going to Ohio for them is a simple task. But living in Midwestern Michigan... it feels like every other state is SO FAR away. I feel it's like living in Alaska or Hawaii.... not that it would be bad to live in either of those states, but sometimes you just want to go to Montana, you know? And there is such a block mentally living in an area where it's hard to get to another state... I would think southern Florida would be the same way as well. But, other than that, I really don't see how anyone else would feel as isolated as those areas of the country. But I needn't feel that isolation any more. If I want to go to South Dakota, or Iowa, or Alabama (for some reason) I could... there's nothing in my way (besides time and money, but what are those to an unemployed comic? Don't answer that).
Wow... all the cold medicine has really put me in an odd mood. Maybe I should take some more and see if I can fly out of my window? Or maybe I should take some MORE and see if I can FLY out of my window. OR I'll just watch PCU because it's a funny movie. Or I'll pass out... one of these things will happen, I'm sure.

CrazyJohn on sales techniques-
Ok... so what do I look like, people who know what I look like? Do I look like someone who, say, wants his shoes shined? Someone who wants to buy a box of chocolate from a guy on the street? Someone who would actually pay to read a newspaper? No to all these things! I look like what I am... an unemployed comedian. So, please don't try to sell me something on the street, because I ain't buyin'.
Strike that... if you're going to try to sell me something, sell me something that someone like me would want. Shoe shine? No... Footlong hotdog? Now you're talking! Yes, I do look like someone who would be interested in some whores, thank you. Yes... cater to my lust and gluttony.

Should be an interesting weekend, kiddies... I'll let you know if anything crazy happens. Have a crazy weekend :)

Have you ever opened a drawer or cupboard thinking that you need something from inside, but not knowing what it is? And then you open it and hope that you'll figure out what you're looking for once it's open and you're looking around at stuff?

yeah... that's why I'm in Chicago.

CrazyJohn on streetgames-
"That's an odd title," you say. "AH!!! Get outta my blog!" I respond. So here's something I've noticed in Chicago... if you're a woman, and you're walking by yourself, apparently a fun streetgame to play is "hold the cell phone up to my ear and pretend I'm talking." But... some of you ladies are really not good at it... and, if you're not going to try, please don't insult my intelligence. One woman, the other day, CLEARLY was not engaged in a conversation. She wasn't even really trying to make it look like it, either. She was like looking at the ground and half-heartedly holding the phone up to her ear... she didn't look distracted by the "conversation" in the least. I actually almost stopped her and said, "listen, lady.... at least ATTEMPT to make it look like you're on the phone, please! Come on!" But I didn't want her to mace me.

Top five most prevalent smells of downtown Chicago
5. Diesel Truck
4. Fudge (weird, huh?)
3. Sewage
2. Cigarette smoke
1. Coffee Beans (weird, huh?)

Finished my first week of classes at The Second City... and feel pretty good about it. I think I can hold my own... even in the writing "boot camp" class.
Not looking forward to the vibe in the city tomorrow as the Cubbies lost. That sucks... it was a good way for me to feel like a part of the city already. Now what do I have to talk to random people about? How about the Bears? I haven't seen sucking like that since my trip to Nevada.... (?) I mean, really.... the other teams in this city blow... almost as much as the wind in the city itself. Ironic, eh?
Poor Cubs fan guy. We've all been idiots before, but the whole town blames him for the loss (even me... that's right). He just reached for the ball out of instinct... what guy doesn't instinctively grab at balls? Wait... that didn't come out right.
Um... well... this is awkward. It's like that time we showed up to the dance wearing the same dress... and you refused to change. Well... I feel better, thanks.

CrazyJohnSC on Marathons-
You know you're living in a new place when you wake up in the morning, go outside and run into the LaSalle Bank Chicago Marathon in your "back yard." So I was all... "keep running, go go... looking good!" and then I realized that I had someplace to go. So I left them all dying on the streets.
But I am very proud of anyone who can run 26.2 miles... as I get tired walking a mile. Or thinking about walking a mile. Or sitting up. But I did see one of the marathon runners in a car later on yesterday... and the only thing I could think was "CHEATING!!! AHH!!! Cheater cheater!!!" So I called the cops... and he was arrested. Cheaters never win!

SIDE RANT: Have any of you seen the previews for "Windy City Heat" on Comedy Central? They advertise it as the biggest practical joke in the history of things that have become historical because the guy "thinks he's in a movie, and that he's the star... teehee". But, guess what... it IS a movie... and he IS in it... and he IS the star. Who's the joke on now, dumbasses? Dress it up all you want, he thinks he's in a movie and that's what he's in... even if it's not the movie he thinks it is. Stupid people make my head hurt, and I've had a headache since I was 5... have a crazy afternoon :)

SPECIAL GUEST RANT...
You know what? The Zales Diamond store and their commercial can just sod off. What are they doing on ESPN anyway? Men aren't going to be tricked into buying women diamonds by you advertising on "their" channel! Honestly! -L

"Funny people are the hardest people to work with... because you have to break them" is what one of my teachers said today... I think I might be in over my head... more on this later.

It's amazing how feelings can fluctuate... new information or body language can change a person's mood from elation to... well... crap. Crap is a good word for it. Not that your old pal CrazyJohn can be so easily manipulated... no no. I totally lied.
At any rate, I promise a whole long rant on Homecoming... including what it's like to be an old person. There is no way I feel better... I'm not sure that's going to happen for a while.

And women are supposed to be good at subtle hints...
So I've been trying to get my friend Laura to post a link to my blog from her Livejournal for at least a week... being all subtle about it. Well... if she reads my blog, maybe this will help: Post a link.
In appreciation, I will do the same. If you don't like my stuff, go here as it is nothing like my crap.
That's all... have a crazy night :)

Why is it that when I woke up this morning I was at a rant a minute... and now I feel very calm? I guess that means I should post stuff when I feel it... and not wait until the day actually gets here.
And if you don't want me staring at your ass, lady, don't wear those short shorts and walk in front of me, ok??? You should take it as a compliment, as I have excellent taste in asses. Hmm... I think that didn't come out right when I typed it.... oh well, think what you will, kiddies, even if that is envisioning your old pal CrazyJohnSC at an ass-tasting (like a wine tasting, except even MORE drunk).
Went to Treasure Island today (arr!) and got some grub... actually made what people call a "salad", but I had never heard of it. It was a lot like eating a rabbit's stomach, if you've ever done that. If not, give it a shot... what do you have to lose but your lunch >rimshot<
Well kiddies... it seems as though it's your old pal CrazyJohn's College Homecoming tomorrow... so I guess I'm coming home. And, in the immortal words of Nick Hornby: "I don't belong at home, and I don't want to belong at home, but at least home is somewhere I know." And it's true... as I try to navigate a large city for the first time in my life... I'm exciting when I think about being somewhere I know. It's like the first time you remember where something is in a new place... you get excited because you know what is being talked about... and where it is. It's that kind of excitement. Pretty sad when you're in a new place doing new things and the most exciting thing to you is going back where you came from. But I guess I'm too old to care how sad I am or am not.
"Geez man... lighten up". You got it! I found myself today in the shower doing stand up comedy (this is also a lowbrow pun... think "erection"). But seriously... I started this whole vision of me on stage doing a routine... and then the acid wore off and I found myself in the shower... in the fetal position.
Speaking of which... I HAVE to give a special thank you to Sarah Jean. She made me an afghan blankety-type-dealy for Christmas/Birthday (yep... I'm one of those) and I brought it with me and it's one of the things that keep me sane and grounded at night. So thank you Sarah.
I really do need to start posting things when I think of them... because I had SO MUCH STUFF to rant about this morning... and I guess I'm just too tired to take on the stupidity of the world.
BUT I CAN SAY THIS.... Stupid people in the United States sink to the bottom. Let me explain... Imagine the US standing up, with the south at the bottom. All the stupid people have sunk to the bottom: California, Texas, Florida... I mean you guys. I thought Ventura was bad in Minnesota... no no... Arnold is worse. Texas is the lovely state that gave us the President, as he was somehow elected to be the head man there... nuff said. And Florida thought Jeb would be a good name for their Gov.... Jeb Bush. Now... I only have seen the Beverly Hillbillys once in my life, but I'm almost certain that Jeb Bush was one of the characters. BAH! ARNOLD??? COME ON!!! IS ANYONE IN THAT STATE PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT JUST HAPPENED???!!
Now now... don't get me wrong... just because those states are flooded with idiots, that doesn't mean everyone in those states are stupid. On the contrary, some people voted against these men, and I call those people democrats. "It just got way political up in here" I hear you say because they're homonyms (what?). I'm sorry... I can't help being right.
And that's really all I have to say tonight, kiddies. I don't feel better, I just feel tired... but I do hope you have a crazy tomorrow :)

Cubs win! Cubs win!
My boy Jimmy Shy came over tonight to watch the game. We decided to wait until the World Series before we start overturning cars and lighting the ever-growing piles of trash. Not that your old pal CrazyJohnSC thinks rioting is good, kiddies... but there's just something about causing massive damage in groups that's so... satisfying.
I want to thank both my Cable Guys for spending two and a half hours at my place this morning getting the cable and internet set up. What a pain in the ass that was! But they both stuck with it and got it fixed... huge props to them.
My obsession with "High Fidelity" continues today, kiddies, as I am now a third of the way through the book. Yes, not only can I say most of the lines of the movie, I'm fully engulfed in the book as well. Odd how many ways this book can touch me, since it's inanimate and I don't feel like it, as I've got a headache.
Sidenote... yappy-type dogs sniff at the inside of elevator doors because they know how it opens. Weird, huh? They just stand there and sniff away, waiting for the door to open.
Good lord there's nothing to say about today. I did, however, realize how much better big cities are when you have money. As I sit and eat more EasyMac, I think about how I could be outside... just down the block, eating at a very nice Italian or Japanese restaurant. But... no money. For those of you who have it... or who are making it... I tip my hat to you and continue what I hope is not a futile search for a job.
Oh but there's a crazy wind blowing tonight kiddies... it might be a great day tomorrow. Hope you have a crazy night :)

October 7, 2003
Rants falling from the sky!
Walking around Chicago again today… I figured out that it was way too hot to walk around. Damn was it hot today! A bank I passed said that it was 93 degrees… but I don’t trust talking banks. Nevertheless, it was damn hot. I found that I have a Subway, in addition to my expensive Quiznos, and I’ve got a Coldstone! Made me think of Courtney, down there in Hotlanta. That also reminds me… what’s going on with the cities my friends decided to move to? I mean… the cities to which my friends decided to move. Right… I digress. Atlanta??? What is the deal with the church murders/suicide? All my friends out in California… Recall? Schwarzenegger??? WHAT??? Vegas??? Roy getting mauled by a tiger? Since when did my city become the least crazy?
Less crazy as it is, my town still has problems. While I was at Piper’s Alley, there was a man in the restroom using a stall (we all know why)… he finished, left the stall, and walked out… without washing his hands. AND HE WAS A POSTAL WORKER! This is the guy who touches your mail. That’s right… you’ve got mailman feces all over your mail. How does that make you feel?
This, my dear kiddies, brings me to a rant that has been a long time coming… CrazyJohnSC on the anatomy of men’s public restrooms.
First of all, let’s start with the exit. All men’s public restrooms should open out… NOT IN! The reason (as we have seen) is that guys don’t wash their hands… they just don’t. I’d say at least two-thirds of all guys who use the urinals walk out without washing their hands… and I don’t want to go into how many men don’t at least attempt to look like they tried to wash their hands after using a stall. Please, for the love of all men who wash… open the doors out!
Second, let’s talk urinals… Please put dividers in between the urinals… for the love of GOD. I don’t want to know another man that well, ok? That’s all I’ll say about that.
Next… let’s not put the urinals in a high traffic area. This puts our back to other men. And we don’t trust men like women don’t trust men, because men cannot be trusted. It’s really simple, actually. Just never trust a man… even a man you trust. There… that made sense… and I move on…
A side rant against the air dryers… like I want airborne germs to be dried ONTO my hands… no, this is not what I want. Give me paper so I can make sure germs from hands end up disposed of. Thank you.
I don’t know where I was going with this. It doesn’t matter… >sigh<. I finally realized how people in big cities can feel so horribly lonely. It actually makes a lot of sense, if you think about it. So I was walking around today and I noticed that everyone else was walking WITH someone else. I seemed to be the only one walking by his or herself. And being surrounded by people who have other people when you don’t have anyone… nothing can make you feel lonelier.
On that note… a huge thank you to Laura who called out of the blue tonight to catch up. I really appreciate everyone who’s called to catch up or chat… as these week has been more difficult than I care to mention.
There’s nothing crazy about my night or yours… but crazy dreams are sure to be on the way. Goodnight :)

October 6, 2003
Gettin’ poop done…
I guess I can title today this. I guess. I called my cable company and am finally going to get cable and a cable modem Wednesday. I don’t even need cable to get national news talking about my city. The CBS news tonight had a piece on the Cubbies’ win.
By the way, can I say how much I hate the Hollywood Squares? Come on! It’s a game where they ask celebrities (who know nothing) stupid questions (that mean nothing) and where the point is to agree or disagree (most of the time disagree). I mean… what do these celebrities know besides terrible terrible jokes? Terrible Terrible Terrible jokes. Terrible jokes.
And, the whole point of game shows (as if you didn’t know) is to sit and yell at how stupid your fellow human beings can be. “Why go for the block when you could take Penn and Teller for the win?!?!” “Five dollars for Uncle Ben’s rice? Have you ever bought rice? Are you an idiot?!?” “Who is the Earl of Essex!!?? COME ON! Everyone knows that.” And this is why I hate game shows… that, and because if I ever did get on a game show (unless it was all about useless football trivia) I would totally freeze up like an idiot and people would be at home yelling at how stupid I am. And I don’t need that. If I wanted people to yell at me for being stupid, I’d go back home and talk to my parents. >rimshot<
On a brighter note, I walked all the way down to my Chicago River today… and all the way around all sorts of stuff, basically doing nothing besides freaking out young business women. You can’t help it, being a man today… if you are walking behind a woman and she knows you’re there, you are TOTALLY freaking her out. I could probably walk around with a smiley face balloon and a stuffed animal and I would still freak women out. “Where’s he going with that stuffed giraffe? I bet he just came from killing the giraffes at the zoo” is what they’ll all say to each other, between the Starbucks. Because they’re EVERYWHERE! I must have come across five or six Starbucks today. Do we REALLY need this much coffee? Is the demand this high, really? I guess Starbucks is less evil than the “Lo Cal Locale”… I saw it and almost shot myself in the head.
Lastly… I want to thank the guy who came and fixed my shower. As much as I liked the duct tape around the old one… I think the new shower head he installed is way better. I hope he’s having a crazy day :)

October 5, 2003
BEARS WIN, BEARS WIN!!!
That’s right kiddies… all it takes for a Bears win is to insert some craziness into the lineup. All Chicago needed was a man who knows WAY too much about football. So Jimmy Shy moved here. And THEN the city figured two guys who know too much is better than one… so I moved here too. And finally the Bears decided to run the ball with Anthony Thomas (arguably their best player on the offense... COME ON!). How badly do I want to be Chicago’s Offensive Coordinator? (Hint: quite badly as I’d do a much better job that What’s-his-butt)
I was able to watch football on my one channel. I hear my CBS channel comes from the Hancock Building, which is way close to me. Speaking of stuff way close to me… the Magnificent Mile is just a few blocks from me… am going to pretend I’m a tourist (as I pretty much am) and go shopping tomorrow.
I’ve been feeling tired all day and am wondering if I’m coming down with something. Did you know you can get a cold in a warm climate like LA? How weird is that? They should name it something different down there… like herpes. Wait… that may be taken already. How about “I feel all poopy and snotty”? Then no one gets confused and everyone knows how you feel… we could even shorten it to P&S for those of us who don’t like to say a lot of words.
Speaking of which… CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!!!
I can’t wait to help riot by overturning someone’s car! Or burn something. You know there’s a lot of trash around Chicago (as the Garbage Person strike continues) we could probably burn all the trash and then Chicago would smell like Gary, Indiana. But it doesn’t really matter because I’m going to go break something. And, the best news is that Chicago has home-field advantage in the NLCS against the Marlins. The Marlins? A big fish? And what do cubs eat? That’s right… baseball is really simple when you break it down logically.
Speaking of logic… I think the best thing to do after a big win like this is to interview the drunkest fans you can find. Wow… nothing says intelligence like slurred speech and loud cheering. Well… it looks like I’ll have a crazy night… hope you will too :)

October 4, 2003
Day three
I finally got out of the apartment today! Hooray for being all “scared like a bitch”! My parents took me out to dinner at a FANTASTIC Mexican grill. The waiter reminded me of Alex Rivera because he was totally hitting on me. No… that’s not why… because he was all “talk fast and then smile whilst CrazyJohn tries to figure out what I just said”. But what a great (and expensive) meal!
And what a beautiful fall day here in Chicago! I had the windows open all day and I heard the sounds of football from not too far away (I don’t know where… could’ve come from heaven for all I know). And I have totally enjoyed watching my free CBS… partly because it’s a college football day… and partly because it’s free. Everything that’s free is the best… unless you can get paid for it. For instance, when I get punched in the face for free… it’s nice, but when I get paid to get punched in the face… it’s called boxing.
Well… my building manager recognized me today. That’s a great feeling… as there are a billion people in my building. A billion... that’s right (it’s a very tall building).
And, also from the simple pleasures for simple people file, I have a ceiling fan. I’ve never had a ceiling fan… and boy howdy is it great! It makes air go in a circle… what a great idea that is! Some genus must have created the ceiling fan. “My apartment smells like flatulence,” he or she must have said, “but if I stir it up in a circle… mmm… lemons!”
>Shrug< Am feeling very tired… went shopping at Treasure Island (arr! Where’s the milk, matey? More on this later) and will probably just hang out tonight. Want to send out a special thank you to my Susan for calling me tonight and chatting for a while… I appreciated it. Wish I could remember what I wanted to tell you… but I’m old, give me a break.
Hope everyone is having a crazy night :)

October 3, 2003
Day 2 of the Chicago Fiasco…
Huge shout out to my boy Jimmy Shy, who came over tonight to shoot things with me.
Also… hopefully the city of Chicago will end the Garbage “Person” strike. I went outside to throw away my loot from my move and, low and behold, it looked like about 4 days of garbage from my entire building. And then I learned about the strike… so that’s what it was. If you haven’t seen four days of garbage from a nine story apartment building lately… I highly recommend it, as it will show you to appreciate recycling.
I’m feeling a greater kinship to my girls back in BumbleF**k Rapids… I have one channel and it’s CBS. I don’t even have an antenna… my TV just picks it up. I’m looking forward to being forced to watch such intellectual programming like Big Brother and Survivor.
Finally… I can’t for the life of me figure out my plumbing. Both my bathroom sink and my shower head say “Oh… he wants water… we will shoot water EVERYWHERE!” And that’s what happens. But duct tape fixes everything, kiddies.
My favorite part of my plumbing is the temperature. I can’t get water warmer than warm from the sink in my kitchen… but the water from my shower has one setting: scalding. SCALDING!!! It burns… and there’s nothing colder. Now, trying to look at the bright side of things, the burning might be welcome in the cold Chicago winter. I don’t know… it might not be a bad thing. Or my skin may fall off. Either way.
Huh… I really don’t feel better. Oh well… maybe I’ll just have a sandwich. Hope you have a crazy weekend :)

October 2, 2003
CrazyJohnSC on moving…
The first night in Chicago… and it’s quieter than I thought it would be. Also, HUGE props to anyone who has ever put together a futon by his or herself, because DAMN… it’s like it’s got two sides to it or something. And it’s all foldy-bed-couchy… and that’s tough to figure out.
I spent the better part of about seven hours arranging stuff in my apartment… that sucked. Mostly it was just rearranging piles of crap… I didn’t really DO anything. The crap that used to be here >points< is now there >points further away<.
I know I won’t be able to post this for a few days or even a week… but I hope that my crew in Albion had a great opening night of the Laramie Project… and that the greatest sister in the world had a good party up in BumbleF**k Rapids. I also want to specially thank the wonderful Miss Rhea for calling me tonight. You called me when I needed to hear a familiar voice and you cried when I wanted to and couldn’t. You are wonderful, thank you.
Yes yes… not the normal post, I know… but even crazy people have a soft and sensitive side from time to time. Thank you… I feel better.