CrazyJohn on just being too tired-
So I'm the kind of guy who likes to figure out what's going on... all the time. I like to know where I stand with people, what mood people are in, how far I can push their buttons, whether they need cheering up, etc. But now I find myself only being able to keep up with people by checking their away messages, or talking to them online... and this makes my particular brand of anal omniscience difficult. Now I see away messages about how my friends are upset, depressed, lonely, angry, frustrated... and I'm not sure how to go about making them feel better because I'm not sure why they're upset, depressed, etc. I suppose the easy remedy to this is to just ask them what's up... but that doesn't always work. In fact, it seems to rarely work lately. I think the worst part is when I'm confused as to whether I'm the actual problem or not. Now I know how self-centered that sounds because, well, I'm me... and I'm the kind of bastard who is that self-centered... but lately I'm not so sure. I worry about the people who I care about who I left back at my school... and I worry about the people who left with me to go to points unknown. I not only worry about them in the general sense, but I also worry that I've somehow done something wrong... something to upset them... not spent enough time with them when I was around... haven't gotten them my new phone number yet and they're upset about it... haven't let them know what I'm up to sufficiently enough to satisfy their curiosity and because of these things they're upset at me.
So, what's wrong with this? you may ask. Isn't this the way things have always been? Well... not really. I'm so much better at this "relationships" thing face-to-face. I am historically terrible at keeping in contact with people who are not in my geographic region... and it's cost me dearly already. So I really want this time to be different... but, having said all that, I just get to a point where I'm too tired for all the head games I play with myself. God... even know I'm wondering about whether or not I should post this, and what repercussions my posting it will have... and I'm sick of that. Like the title says... I have this blog because it's cheaper than therapy (thanks Ken). So what I'm basically doing is trying to convince myself to stop worrying about how my living here and doing what I'm doing is effecting other people, unless those people want to talk to me about it's effect. I could sit here and stress out and get more than three gray hairs (thanks for counting them Laura...) or I could pretend for once in my life that I'm a twenty two year old male and be oblivious like the rest of my kind.
But I can't help the worrying... because I miss you... and I want to know that you still think about me, sometimes, and in nice "he's not ruining my life by running away" kinds of ways. Is that too much to ask? Isn't that what everyone wants?