Another Second City Performance
Last night was my second Second City performance. Dave, Keith, Sal, and I performed two skits and one song written by us (Dave and Keith respectively), directed by us (mostly Dave), and produced by us. It was just like we used to do back in Big Rapids (If by "we" I mean me and other people who aren't Dave, Keith, or Sal)!
The first scene was set in a bar in Chicago. Keith's character wonders when the Cubs season starts, as he's sick of gymnastics on the tv in the bar. My character then enters and hilariously explains that, since Bush lifted the ban on gay marriage, the whole world has turned gay. Even I, the hard-nosed Chicagoan bar-goer that I am, am married to Joe Kawalski. The humor came from how matter-of-fact and "straight" I played the ridiculousness... and that Bush told us that if he were to lift the ban on gay marriage, it would run rampant (and it has). Honestly... it's a very funny scene, and I think that the audience really liked it.
The song was played by a group who was in front of a church... and the title of the song was "Everybody wants to be like Jesus". And the chorus is as follows: "Everybody wants to be like Jesus, But Jesus wants to be like me". The crowd absolutely loved the song... we KILLED with the song... they were totally into it. We even got them clapping along at one point.
Then the last scene was about Jesus, Buddha, and Gandhi (played by me, the "thin" one) on a tv talk show. The problem with this scene is that it's static... none of the characters being interviewed move, so there are three of the four people on stage just standing still. I think that makes this particular scene drag... and it could've been better.
But the crowd still reacted very positively to our group... and that was great. I had one dude come up to me and say "I had tears in my eyes" which I think means he was laughing very hard. Either that, or we were so bad that he was crying and wanted to let me know so that I would jump off a tall building.

It was incredible to see my parents again. I keep forgetting how much I miss my family when I don't see them for months at a time. And, like I said earlier, I really am starting to feel trapped here in Chicago. I am probably going to see them once a month for the next three or four months... and then the store will be back to not being so crazy that I won't have to worry about it much. Hooray for not working! And hooray for school!

Noah's Ark and other fun things
Let's start with the other fun things. My 'personal trainer' Thad called me this morning (Yeah... the dude's name is Thad). His brother is graduating tomorrow and he wondered if he could move our appointment from 11 to 10. I was like, "um... yeah... that's fine" and he seemed overly thankful. So that's a good way to start off a relationship with your personal trainer... I feel.
Next, Miss Laura Jeannine called me this afternoon. We had an interesting and wonderful conversation (as always), and I learned that Laura actually has a white chocolate center. That's kind of weird... but I don't doubt it for a second. Because she's white. And she has a hard candy shell. Mmm...
Furthermore, I'm finally re-writing my Noah's Ark script. For those of you who are old enough to remember, I started writing a Noah's Ark scene 2 years ago in Albion. It was very long (16 pages), and re-reading it... it's not very funny. But it does have some really good ideas in it. So I've got a week and two days to come up with something better than what it's taken me two years to write. That makes sense (and makes this whole writing thing far more dramatic than it needs to be). But I am excited to sit down and rewrite this scene, because the story of Noah's Ark has bugged me since I first heard it when I was younger. I hope to someday have enough material for a full-length parody.
And, finally, I get to see my parents tomorrow! It's been since my grandma's birthday (see my March 28th post [I quote myself more than Steven J. Gould!]) since I've seen my family, and that's way too long. As I was telling Laura, it seems as though I'm trapped in this city. I can't even get my day off. And, the worst part is that I don't feel secure enough in my job to keep asking for days off. I mean, it feels like Andrea's getting to the point where I work all the time or I could be replaced. And I feel like I could be replaced... quite easily. I went from being totally secure a couple weeks ago... to feeling like I could easily be replaced. And what did it was Andrea's new attitude. She's getting to the point where she seems like she wouldn't mind firing a bunch of the employees... AND she's getting very close to moving out of the store and onto something larger. That's always a dangerous place. But, I suppose my ability to fix their computers has to make me useful in at least that regard. And I'm very willing to whore myself for the sake of the ice cream... I'd like to see her replace THAT!

I guess I'm back
See what happens when you think I'm somewhere else for a while? You miss like twenty posts by me. Hooray for me!
In the "I'm the lamest guy ever" category, I'm currently watching Pokemon 3 on Cartoon Network. What a funtastical movie it is! (I don't know what that means) But it's a great way to start a relaxing day.
Actually, I've already started my day. I drove to Des Plaines this morning to the Sysco Warehouse to pick up extra Sweet Cream Mix. The directions I were given by the Sysco person I talked to were anything but accurate... but, fortunately for me, I'm anal enough to have looked up directions myself. It was kind of neat, because I was able to drive my little Grand Am into a covered docking bay... where I loaded my little car up with 10 5 Gallon cases of ice cream. Then I drove slower than normal back to the store.
A few hours later, I got a call from Andrea... and she was as upset as I think I've ever heard her. She, apparently, came into the store and no one was doing anything... so she ran out back and called me to 'vent'... and I guess she went back in after we talked and gave everyone a super stern talking to.
I'm not too worried about it. I've been working my butt off (half to pay for my stupid stupid gym membership)... and I'm going to relax the rest of the day. I'm going to take a nap to take my "resting" pulse... and then I'm going to start on my scripts tonight. It'll be a nice day, for once... I hope.

This week
I think the best way to describe this week is to say this: Since Tuesday, I haven't had more than one meal per day. It's not a new psychotic diet... and it's not due to lack of food... I've just been that busy. So busy, in fact, that I can't really remember what I was doing Tuesday. I remember that I had a rehearsal for my show Sunday. I also had class Tuesday night... and in the "there just might be a God" file, my class has been lowered to only 11 people (instead of the 20 there was last week) [Perhaps I'm placing too much emphasis on this class, saying that it can lead to the proof of the existence of a higher power... but whatever]. Wednesday, I spent working and running to CostCo (for the store). On Thursday, I spent my "day off" doing the bank deposit. Andrea hadn't done a deposit in like two and a half weeks... so there was plenty of money to count. And when I say plenty, I mean >cue dramatic music<: The $24,500 Deposit. Yeah... I could've bought a new car with all the money I counted Thursday afternoon. There was a time, during all the counting, when I wanted to throw the money up in the air and roll in it. Because, honestly, when am I ever going to be able to count over twenty thousand in cash? Then I ran to CostCo (for the store).
Friday, I spent working and running to CostCo (for myself). It was basically a week of doing all kinds of working and all kinds of driving, and boy are my "arms tired". That makes no sense. But I do know that Friday morning I set my alarm for 10, figuring I'd wake up before that so that I could check my pulse (as per my instructions from Jason the Personal Trainer dude)... and I ended up sleeping from 11:30 at night to 10 in the morning when my alarm went off. I think I'm tired. Right.

I noticed that I'm about to hit 2,000 visitors. Wow... I honestly can't believe it. I'm flattered that that many people (10 people visiting 80 times a day, that is) are interested in my incoherent ramblings. Thank you all, and have a fantastic Memorial Day Weekend.

Misc Crap
Ever since I moved to Chicago, there has been a vacant building on Wells Street that looked like it used to be a car dealership. I kind of don't understand why the previous dealership had to leave, because it's in a pretty good location on Wells (right next to the creepy creepy Atom's Antiques). But over the past couple of weeks, I've seen activity in that building again. And, finally on Monday Grossinger City Toyota opened. It's kind of nice because there are people walking around and busily working when I walk past now. The route to work isn't so empty on that stretch of street. >small sigh< It's nice.

I was going to make this long story shorter... but then I realized that I don't care if you have to read through all sorts of crap. So here's a story*: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold ice cream. His name was Don. His ice cream store sold what can only be described as "nasty crap", which the store called "Sinless Sweet Cream". One day, a young lady who we'll call "Heather T." came into Don's ice cream store. She wanted to see the nutritional information on the aforementioned "Sinless Sweet Cream". Don had just received that information, but he couldn't find it. He looked everywhere, but had to tell Heather T. that he couldn't find the information. She said it was okay, and that she still wanted to get some anyway... so she did; plus she gave Don a bunch of free passes to her gym, we'll call X Sport Fitness. Then, a few days later, Heather T. came back to Don's ice cream store. She, again, wanted to see the health information on the Sinless Sweet Cream and, again, wanted some of the aforementioned ice cream. But this time Don was ready, having previously found the information on the Sinless Sweet Cream. Don was able to show Heather T. all of the information. Heather T. asked Don if he had been to her gym yet, and Don said that he hadn't. Heather T. told him that if he showed up the next morning at 10 AM she would show him all around the gym. Don is a weak bastard... so he did it. Heather T. showed him all around the gym the next day... laughing politely and softly touching his arm. She told him that she was from Grand Rapids (Kentwood to be exact, to which Don said "Studio 28... right? That's Kentwood?" He was right). And she said that she was a dancer (not a very good picture, but whatever) for the Arena Football League's Chicago Rush. She basically was aggressive and Don was passive and... before you knew it, I had joined the gym. Yeah... I joined a gym. Which I don't have money (or maybe even the time) for. The End.
* some names have been changed, to protect me from looking like a complete idiot.

Nothing says sexy quite like ice cream
All right kiddies... it's time to talk about something that's been bothering ol' Crazy for a while. At Coldstone, we've been trying to come up with a way to advertise at our local Lowes Cineplex (it's in Piper's Alley... it's right there down the street... it's perfect). When we started trying to come up with a "proofs" for the slide (you know how they have slides before a movie at some theatres), we received a bunch from Lowes that they've already used with Coldstone. You'll see why I have a problem with it in a second... here are the tag-lines to the proofs we were sent: "It's not a sin to want it", "Sensual. Seductive. Yet rated G", "Indulgence Awaits". Only the 'indulgence' one is non-sexual enough to appeal to a younger audience. The other ones... Jesus Christ! We're selling f--king ice cream here... come on! Needless to say, Andrea and I told them we'd get our own proof. So she and I emailed the Coldstone marketing team and told them that we needed a proof for the Lowes promotion... and, furthermore, we told them exactly what we wanted it to say: "It's a great day for ice cream". That's it... something simple that doesn't involve anyone pulling their pants down and trying to mate with the ice cream. After perhaps a month and a half or two... this is what Coldstone came back with: "Breathe Deeply. We're not far." Breathe deeply?! What the FUCK does that even mean? Is anyone literally sitting in the theatre, hyperventilating because they won't be able to eat ice cream for another hour and a half or whatever until the movie's over? I could've punched someone's teeth out! We waited a month, and you not only changed what we wanted it to say, you made it say something so non-sensical and stupid that I'd like to fly to Arizona just to ask them what in the world they possibly could have been thinking. The shitty part is that we HAVE to go with this proof... it's been over a month and we have to get the proof out. So that's what it is... I HATE marketing people (sorry Randi)... HATE them all for being so obviously out of touch that they think "Breathe Deeply. We're not far" is brilliant. What pisses Andrea off about it is that coming up with "shit like this is someone's job". She makes me laugh.

At class tonight, Joe Janes had us make another list of ten Onion style headlines. We then went on a "field trip" to the faculty lounge where he showed us the David Letterman website. Apparently, they do a top ten countdown from people all over the country every week, and this week Joe wanted us to submit our ideas. So we each sat at the computer, in turn, and submitted one from our Onion Headline list. A funny thing happened, though. When it was my turn to submit, I was stuck on a question: Where am I from? I actually asked out loud, "Hmm... where should I say I'm from?" and it was Adam White who said "Big Rapids?". I put that down with little fanfair, but inside I was going crazy... where am I from? Why isn't that an easier question? Why doesn't any place feel like home anymore? I guess you really can never go home again.

Moron the Writing 5 Show! (I must be excited about it!)
Okay, first of all, I just counted the scripts I got yesterday and, even though they're all only about five pages, I have Sixteen (16!) of them! SIXTEEN... and I'm not in all of them. My guess is that they'll have to cut some of them out. I can't imagine trying to do like 20 scenes. That'd be a whole bunch of scenes... and I'd get confused and want to fall down and eat snack cakes. Mmm... I want to do that anyway.
And here's something else that I found interesting that I didn't share yesterday: On most of these scripts, I've been cast as the "straightman". Which is an entirely new experience for me... and I'm normally the funny guy and you >points< are the unfunny one I make fun of. Especially if you are Rhea... then you're just making it too easy. But no, but yeah... I have to play a lot of these scenes as the straightman... as if nothing funny is going on... God, I feel like Ken. Ha ha ha... it's true. Ken was always the straightman who got made fun of. Because he's ridiculously short. I mean, ridiculously hopefully a Sargent soon. Hooray for Ken! Anyway, this whole thing is a new experience for me on so many levels... and I guess I'm pretty excited about it.
I'm pretty sure that's all I have to say about that. Happy Birthday to Jean, by the way. She's as old as she wants to be today! Hooray for Jean!

Happy 8 Month Anniversary, Blog
Yes, it's now been eight months of controversy, self indulgence, and psychotic ramblings... and I think it's important that we've all learned a valuable lesson: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong I am.
Good... now that that's settled, I can go about writing about my first Writing 5 rehearsal. It felt pretty good, actually. Joe Janes basically said "Here are the writers" >gestures< "And here are the actors" >gestures to us<. It felt like 'real' acting... I mean, even more so than acting in college... it felt like I was being brought in to be an actor (which is bascially exactly what happened). All I'm saying is that it was a fantastic feeling to be the "actor". Like I was professional, or something. That's what it was... it felt professional. Nice.
There is one actor, Andy, who is just REALLY good. He's REALLY good... and everyone else is comparable to myself (I feel). It's interesting... because while the Mike guy seems to be good when the script is good, he doesn't make unfunny things funnier. I've got the lead in one scene that is the complete opposite of funny. And I think Joe gave me that part to see if I could make something out of it. We'll see... I think Joe's a little handcuffed with this scene because the other one this dude wrote isn't all that good either, so my guess is that he doesn't have much good stuff to choose from.
Anyway... I'm really excited for this show. We'll be performing in August and the first Friday in September... and it should be a really good show (sans the two or three skits that really suck).
Speaking of shows, my show this Sunday is shaping up nicely. We get only 17 minutes... and the three different sections are pretty good. We've got two scenes and a song... and at least one of the scenes is really funny (in my opinion). The song is the most offensive thing ever... and people are either going to laugh, or be absolutely silent. We'll see. It'll be interesting, to say the least... and probably really good practice for Dave, Keith, and I.
In the "I can't cook" file, I tried making sweet and sour stir fry with tofu... and it didn't come out so well. The directions said I could just pop the tofu in and cook for two minutes... but I think I needed to cook the tofu seperately, so it could harden a little more. Or something. I tried draining it twice like Amber told me, and I don't think I did that right either. Maybe that was the problem. I don't know.
All I do know was that I was inspired last night. I was lying in bed and finally came up with an idea for a scene for Monday. I'm not really "excited" about it, but it'll get done. That's kind of the way the writing classes have been. Nothing to get too excited about, I'm just putting crap out there... into the world which is already inundated with crap. Oh well.

Why my milk went bad
I woke up at way early o'clock to let the accountant into the store. I made sure that she was all set, and then I left for more milk! On my way to Walgreens from the store (around quarter to ten), I saw Andrea and her daughter Julia walking to Starbucks. I called Andrea, saw her answer her phone, and said "you know what's weird?". "What's weird?" she asked. "When I walk out of the store and see my boss with her daughter... and now she's behind a black thing, and now I can see her again... and now there's a lamppost... hey!" I said "hey" because she finally saw me. Ta DA! I appeared out of nowhere. That's not true... but it was pretty cool to totally freak out my boss like that.
Anyway... the three of us went to Walgreens, and I got milk and throat spray (because my throat still hurts) and Andrea got her breakfast bar and some cigarettes. Julia was so cute, she asked her mom why she doesn't just get a whole bunch of breakfast bars... and Andrea was all "because then that would mess up my routine." Ha ha... anal people are funny. Why are you pointing at me? You bastard.
Then we walked to Starbucks and Andrea got her Iced Venti Americana >sighs... shakes head<. Whatever the hell that is. Then we walked to that little dead end at Burton, you know the one. And we sat down and talked. And I was my normal, charming, witty self... which means I was scaring the living crap out of Julia. Ta da! I'm a freak. Anyway... I'm not sure how we started on this, but Julia wanted to race me. And I was like... "um... okay." and I asked Andrea if I was supposed to let her win, and she said that no one had let her win when she was younger. So I'm thinking to myself "do I let Julia win... or do I kick her ass?" What happened? Find out next week on: Rantings from the Crazy One

And... it's next week. So she did the "mark, set, go!" thing and I ran harder than I needed to for about 15 yards and then I eased up and let her catch up and just beat her bearly. Fine... everyone's happy since I didn't let her win and she was close, right? Nope. Andrea says "Keep racing until you beat him". So I think we raced three more times (me 'winning'... I beat a 10 year old in a foot-race, good for me), and it took her telling me to do push-ups before we raced before I let her win. Then she wanted me to do more push-ups or something... and we raced a couple more times... and I tried to have us tie (I thought that would be a good end to it).
Then she wanted to teach me some Karate. The long story behind this is the Andrea used to date a second degree blackbelt who taught Julia all sorts of stuff, which she was, in turn, "teaching" me. Unfortunately, it always seemed like the scenario ended with her saying "and this is where I'd flip you over on your back". And, since she was teaching me how to do Karate, I thought I'd teach her something practical too... so I taught her how to take an unconscious person's wallet and how to only take the cash, because the credit cards can be cancelled. I'd be a good parent. Anyway... whilst teaching me how to get beaten up by a ten year old girl, she decided it would be a good idea to arm wrestle. So I let her think she was doing well... and then beat her. Then I told her that her mom and I had arm wrestled... so she wanted to arm wrestle Andrea, and Andrea let her win... so I was all "oh... I'm supposed to let her win" and so, when Julia arm wrested me again, I let her win. Fun, huh?
It gets more fun. Andrea tries to get me to sing, like all the time, I don't know why... but she does. And, for some reason, I never do. So Andrea tells her daughter, "Oh... John can sing" and of course Julia wants to hear. So I asked her what music she likes... her response being "music". So cute. But Andrea said she liked Smash Mouth and Sublime... so I started singing 40 Oz to Freedom, which is one of my favorite Sublime songs. And then I did my Smash Mouth impression, which is pretty good since I kinda look like that guy in that we're both fat and useless.
And then my parents called... and Andrea, Julia, and I parted ways. But do you remember the name of my post? Yeah... I got back to my apartment around 1 pm... which is like three hours after I purchased my milk. I have yet to open the gallon... but I'm not optimistic that I won't get lysteria listerosis from my milk. Thank you sanitation classes!
And that's the end of my story. Cute kid... cute cute kid.

Writing for exercise
This is one of those days where I don't have much to say and I'm hoping that by just writing, I'll come across something universal or brilliant or just entertain you. >points<
Currently, the Modest Mouse song "Float on" is on both MTV and FUSE. How crappy is that? It's an interesting song, in a "boy, this song drives me crazy" kind of way. It does... it's one of those songs, and maybe they are one of those bands, where people who "know" music say "Oh, Modest Mouse is so good because they do their own thing and don't sell out and blah blah blah"... but you listen to the music and it's just irritating crap. Go ahead and say they're a good band, you elitist bastard, I'll stick with stuff that I actually enjoy listening to, thank you very much.
Mah Pistons won game 7 last night. I was unable to watch the game as I was making (I think around) 28 pans of ice cream... but I used Ken to give me updates (thanks Ken). And, ladies, Ken didn't mind being used. >wink wink, nudge nudge<
On to something else... my throat still hurts. I'm pretty sure I have some kind of inflamation of something back in the back of my throat, and that I should get anti-biotics, but I honestly have no idea where I'd go to do that. So I'll just have a sore throat and bitch to you non-verbally about it.
Andrea lent me a book last night... "Letters to a Young Poet" a collection of letters by Rainer Rilke. It's interesting in a "artists will always feel alone for some reason" kind of way. I was reading through it and one of the things Rilke asks this poet he's writing to is if this kid (a Mr. Franz Kappas) can live without writing: if he MUST write. If the answer is yes, then by all means, keep writing: if the answer is no, then one shouldn't write at all. I tend to disagree... but perhaps that's because I don't feel like I must write. But, even as I say that, I realize that I've created my own webpage just so that I can write whenever I want to. I've been going back and forth with this question for a while (obviously): must I write? Most of the time, my mind answers "No, I don't have to write to stay sane or to have an enjoyable, fulfilling life" but then I keep writing... plays, poems, songs, blog entries... I just keep writing. So maybe there's something my body or soul knows that my head doesn't?
And, yeah, I just alluded to it in my last paragraph, but I still don't understand why artists (writers in particular) always feel this great sense of solitude. I don't get if maybe they think no one would understand (which isn't true for at least two reasons), or if it's some kind of self-inflicted solitude... which is just stupid and unproductive.
While "poets" claim to be one with nature in their isolation from humanity, can't it be said that humans are a part of nature? Isn't it some kind of denial of nature to go without writing a simple poem about humanity, human nature, or basic human interaction? Rilke says to focus on subjects that are somehow 'eternal' (he is talking about staircases designed my Michelangelo at the time), but if one were to truly tap into human nature, wouldn't that be as eternal as the ocean, the sand, or the sky? Couldn't future generations enjoy the experience as well? Or are we, yet again, trying to separate ourselves from nature?
Don't get me wrong... I don't disagree with everything he's saying. I just read a passage where he says (translated quotation) "that something is difficult must be one more reason for us to do it." I find that a totally true statement... I'll always tried to do what I thought was difficult. Perhaps it was to prove something to myself, perhaps it was to prove something to others... but I wanted to go to college where I didn't know anyone and succeed on my own, and I did; I wanted to stretch my mental horizons by getting more interested in Literature, and I did; I wanted to move to a big city and try to make my way there, and I'm doing it so far. All these things were not easy, and it's taking distinctive and separate incarnations of myself in which to do it. ("Um what?" you say) Well... I'm under the belief that I have been at least three separate and completely distinct people already in my life. Perhaps you >points< would call it a transition from where I was to where I am now... but I view it as a reinvention of myself, of who I am. This is why I will always be 'for' someone branching out and leaving the cushy past behind, and 'against' someone staying in the same city, doing the same thing their whole life... because I feel that these "reinventions" are a way of making me better... they are improvements, and the improvements are almost constant. I'm always getting better and better ("at what?"). Okay, I'm getting centered, I'm becoming my own whole and not looking "outward" for completion... all these things are important, yet I still understand that to be truly complete I must find >shrug< whatever it is that I am and have been looking for. I guess that might make sense only to me.
Wow... I'm almost done with the book already. Rilke started talking about women, and the immediate connection that they have to nature (because of the whole 'being able to give birth' thing). I tend to agree that women have a more immediate connection with nature, and perhaps even have a better insight into nature. But, I feel that the kind of higher status with which he attributes to women can (or rather should) only be granted to women who have had children. Correct me if I'm wrong (because I know you'll correct me even if I'm not), but what seperates a woman who hasn't had a child from a man? There is no connection with the genesis of "life" on a very basic a fundamental way that only a woman who has been pregnant truly knows. In my opinion, women who have gone through life (a full life, I'm not talking about my peers) without experiencing childbirth are somehow denying nature: missing something. I can see the backlash from this statement from a mile away... it goes something like this "blah blah blah... women don't have to be pregnant... blah blah still lead fulfilling life... blah can do whatever I want... my body" and so on. But I would say the same to a man who dies a virgin... there's something very basic, natural, and primative that you were supposed to do (according to the "laws" of nature) that you denied. Yes, of course you can still lead a fulfilling life... and you can still be artistic, poetic, and creative... But we're talking about a basic level of natural understanding that, really, only women who have had life created inside of their bodies can experience. Men don't even come close. Even if we wanted to. The best we can do is make claims as to the nature of nature based on logic or insight. Hello Philosophy!
So the next time you hear of a woman poet who has had children talk about giving life or the creation of life... I think it's safe to assume she knows a little more about it than, say, I do.

Ouch... my throat
My throat hurts... still. It's been hurting since like Saturday... but now it really hurts. Whatever... it's not like there's anything I can do about it, sans bitching to YOU >points<. And that's what I'm doing... so I'm already ahead of myself.
Today is Thursday... and Thursday is my "day off". 'Hey John' you say, 'Why the quotation marks around "day off"? and how come I don't get quotation marks when I talk?' Well, blogger reader person, the quotation marks around "day off" means that I don't actually get the day off... but we call it that to appease me. I am, apparently, easily appeased.

That's not true... and I'll tell you why. In an odd move on my emotions' part, I've been just as likely to want to curl up in my bed and cry as do anything else for almost a week. I know part of it is the huge sense of loss I'm feeling post-Moody; while another part is the new emphasis on personal experiences that my writing class is taking... and the resulting mental trips to the past. But there is a large part of it that I don't understand... I mean, I won't even be doing or thinking anything and all of a sudden I'd rather be crying than whatever I'm doing. And this is also weird because, as I've posted before, I find it difficult to cry even when I'm really sad or depressed about something. Even when I want to cry... it never comes out.
Whatever... I'm sure I'll just do what I always do, which is to say that I'll go to work and make ice cream for 12 hours and continue to cry on the inside. Or whatever it is that I do. Think about football, maybe. Or go back to eating five times a day... one of those two things will happen.
Hope you're having a better day than I am.

Looking in the mirror
Last night I didn't just look in the mirror, I looked at a reflection of the mirror (I've got one of those cabinet mirror things... you know the ones). So... something really hit me for the first time: I was seeing myself as everyone else sees me. I mean, when you look in the mirror, you're seeing your reflection: everything's reversed, and you're used to that because that's the way you've always seen yourself. But, when I was looking in the reflection of the mirror, for the first time I realized that I was seeing myself how everyone else sees me... and that the way I think of myself, the way I view myself in my mind, is inaccurate... reversed... tainted. I mean, really think about that... sans photographs, the way you see yourself isn't the true way you are... it's always wrong. You never have an accurate mental picture of the way you are.
Smoke on that for a while.

Beginning Improv Level D and the Irresponsibility of my Peers
Tonight was my first Level D class. I arrived early to practice my scenes for May 30th with Dave, Keith, and Sal... and after we practiced for a while, we went to sign in for classes. I noticed that our Improv class had grown since last term, and I was kind of excited to have new people to work with, and play along with. But then I got into the room. Um... I don't really know how to explain how I felt, so I'm going to just tell you what happened, and maybe I'll somehow wrap it up in a coherent fashion (or I'll totally destroy my feelings in typical "John" fashion).
When I got into the room, there was my old class of about 7, and what used to be an entire other class of 12 or 13 people. What happened, apparently, was that this entire other class didn't sign up for Level D on time... so the Second City cancelled their other session. The result is that the entire class was put into a class with us. So it was the irresponsibility of the other class NOT signing up for their class on time that made my class into a class of 19 or 20. What does this mean? It means that the three hours we spend per week is going to be three hours of me only getting to play one or two games or be in one or two scenes... instead of the four or five we should be getting. It also means that, come performance time, I'll probably only be able to play one game on stage... instead of the time in the spotlight I so obviously deserve (a slight boost of ego... and I move on).
Their "leader" was a dude who looked exactly like Jeremy Piven, except goatee sporting Jeremy Piven, not the clean shaven version in the picture. A guy from the admissions office came into our class and said that "this is what happens when you don't register on time" and the Pivens lookin' dude was all "But I don't see how it's a problem, it wasn't a problem before" and I was thinking "Jesus... why would you wait this long to register?" and the admissions guy was all "we don't have the teachers or room space to have a separate class... so this is the way it is".
And then, honest to God, it was like the Jets and the Sharks in one room together, trying to dance. For the first half an hour or so, it was all about "our class" and "their class"... And I have to be honest, I hated their class. I hated them for being so irresponsible that they made us have to have such a large class... I hated them for knowing each other so well... I hated them for being as elitist about their class as we were... and so on.
Needless to say, I was upset. But then we started playing along. I remembered what I was doing there, and how to go about doing it. I actually did this characterization scene with the Jeremy Piven guy, and he got me to laugh and I got him to laugh. And then we did a scene called "City Bus" with NINE people at a time (yeah... fucking ridiculous), but it turned out pretty well anyway.
The moral of the story... don't be stupid or I'll hate you. Wait... that's true, but I don't think that's the moral. The moral of this story actually is that it doesn't matter who you are, I just want to do improv well... so I'm going to play along with your stupid ass anyway. Ta da!

Writing Level 3
Last night I had my first writing level 3 class (hence the title). And the focus of this term is "drawing on personal experience". Needless to say, dredging through my previous personal experiences was neither easy nor fun... and I have a feeling that this is going to be a very difficult term both mentally and emotionally. Especially considering that it's summer and I have a lot of good (now read: painful) memories from the summer. My boss would probably tell me that the only reason these memories are painful is that I have yet to make peace with my own past... and to recognize that whatever happened, happened the way it needed to happen (or something). And I know that I have left the past in the past because it hurts too much to revisit... and it's something I'll be pretty much forced to deal with in the next two months, so I guess that's good? Who knows... all I know is that it's going to be uncomfortable even though it's supposed to be "comedy".
By the way, I have to submit something after the sixth week to see if I'll go on to the next writing level (Level 4: writing for a revue). Wish me luck in late June.

CrazyJohn and the Weekend
I finally got word this weekend (Friday, I think) on my sanitation exam. I received a 99% (79 out of 80 questions) and was given my Sanitation Certificate! Hooray! I am now certified in the City of Chicago and Cook County. And, from what I hear, we have the highest standards in the country... so I could probably get certified anywhere I wanted. What does this mean? That I could pretty much be a manager of a food service establishment anywhere in the country. Great... exactly what I wanted. Oh well... it's another $0.25 raise. If I keep getting quarter raises like this, I might soon actually be able to afford living in the city in which I work. But I'm not going to hold my breath.
Saturday morning, when I was cleaning my apartment, there was a horrible vacuum cleaner accident. Yes, that's right, my vacuum ate my cell phone charger. Oh well... a twenty minute trip, $33 dollars later and it's like nothing bad ever happened. Stupid things that suck!
Speaking of things that suck, Saturday was Moody's graduation. That means that all the Moody students (even if they didn't graduate) had to get out of here. I guess I'm having a pretty hard time with it... I mean, it's basically like reliving the loss of last year: I had to leave what was my home for four years last May, and I come here and make a new home for myself, and everyone (sans Jim, Abby, Andrea, and my Improv class) has just left me. What makes this weekend even weirder (Saturday in particular) was that I was visiting with Sarah, Randi, and Amber... three people with whom I parted ways geographically last year. What an odd weekend in time.
Like I said, Saturday was spent with Sarah, Randi, and Amber (don't forget Jim!). They arrived in the early afternoon and in a "I really know my city" kind of way, I got lost trying to find them. It was NOT my fault. Allow me to explain: I took the L to the Merchandise Mart stop, and proceeded into Merchandise Mart. Because the train is elevated, I started in the building on the second floor. Now... you would think, if I can find an escalator up to the second floor, that there would be an escalator down. You would think that... but you would not be whomever designed Merchandise Mart. I then went to the elevators, but they were locked on the first floor... and there was no one around to ask, as most of the stores seemed closed. You would think a shopping center near downtown Chicago would be open on a Saturday afternoon... perhaps the designer of the building is also in charge of the hours of operation. Anyway... so I walked around and found an overpass between that building and a building which claimed to be the Holiday Inn (where the ladies were staying). So a quick phone call to Sarah teaches me that they are on the 20 millionth floor and the lobby is on 15. Okay... I'll just, wait, um... I can't use the elevator. It only goes up to 3. Oh... that's okay, I'll just use the escalators... oh... they aren't working. Um... okay, I'll just walk up the escalators. >huffing and puffing< Wow... that was ten floors and now I'm on 13... only two floors below the 'lobby' and I've run out of escalators. Oh crap. Time to take the elevators down (and switch elevators at the second floor, because the one I got in doesn't go to the first floor), and meet up with the ladies on the first floor.
Wow... okay, I finally meet up with them and we went to eat at House of Blues. It wasn't as good as I remember it being in South Carolina, but I didn't get anything spicy either. HoBs is all about spicy food. Then I took Sarah, Randi, and Amber back to my apartment... I won't spoil what happened there, but let's just say they were all on my bed. Anyway... I then took them to my new favorite Thai restaurant "Garlic and Chili: Healthy Thai Cuisine". Jim met us and I think we all enjoyed our meals. Hooray for us! We then went to the Brehon Pub and got Sarah drunk (this is almost true)... and that was pretty much our night. Jim and I walked them home and hopped on the L and went our seperate ways.
My way led me to Coldstone. I helped Greg close... he was the only Moody who stuck around because he wanted to see my show on Sunday. So he stayed over at mah place and was really wired or something because we stayed up until 4AM. >wink< What? Nevermind.

And now... My first performance at Second City! (Which just happens to be on the Mainstage)
My class showed up at 10 AM (1 and a half hours before the show) and we warmed up, practiced the "ABC" and "Sit, Stand, Lean" games, and practiced Freeze Tag. Then, when it came to be 11, we tried to find out where Claudia was (as she needed to tell us where to go and stuff), so we split up and searched the old, abandoned amusement park. Wait... that was Scooby Doo... we ended up just going around the Second City and Piper's Alley. We did end up finding Claudia and she walked us through what we were going to do. I signed up to play "Take that back" instead of "ABC". Let's go through what happened, shall we?
-First, Scene Tag. Amy and I were together in scene tag and Claudia asked for a household item for us. Someone said "fork". Okay... we're going to improvise a scene based on the word "fork". Sound easy, right? Yep... okay, so when Amy and I went out for the first time, I said "This is the dirtiest fork I've ever seen in my entire life"... and Oh, the Melodrama! I hammed it up... the piano player started playing a cheesy soap opera run underneath our scene. Basically, I was very happy with that scene, even though it wasn't all that "funny"... the "funny" was at how seriously we were taking the dirtiness of the dishes. It was a good scene, and I was happy with it.
-Next, half our group played "ABC" and did it very well. Then my half of the group played "Take that Back". TtB is a game where we go about doing a normal scene and at points someone will "ding" us and we'll have to take the last thing we said back and say something completely different. Got it? Whatever. Claudia asked for a physical activity and someone yelled "jogging". Great, guy... can't wait to 'jog' for five minutes on stage. And here we go... the good news is that I didn't get winded, even though I was jogging the whole time. The bad news is that the scene wasn't the greatest scene I've ever been a part of... oh well.
-Last, Blind Freeze Tag. I'm not very good at this game. I waited until we were almost done before I 'freezed' someone out. I then proceeded to talk to Tim about two-person push-ups in sort of an homage to Andrea. Then Keith froze us and came in. He crawled away from me looking scared, and I said (in as low a voice as I could) "That's the way it is"... and the lights went down. That was it. It went better than I thought it would, but I'm still not very good at freeze tag, so I need to seriously work on that. Whatever... one down!

I went and saw Troy with Jim... and can I say that I was disappointed in Helen? NOT the most beautiful woman in the world... and Jim keeps assuring me that it's the hardest role to cast (that and Jesus) in the history of film. That may be... but I think they could get someone more attractive than whatever actress they've got.
PS Brad Pitt is still hot (at, like, 40)

Time to bore you with sports talk
If you were lucky enough to see the very end of the Lakers/Spurs game... you saw an incredible finish. Tim Duncan makes a prayer of a shot to give the Spurs the lead with 0.4 seconds left... and then (after a million timeouts) Derek Fisher hits a prayer of a shot to give the Lakers the game at the buzzer. It was a great game.
Speaking of football being my favorite sport... let's talk football. The Cowboys released Troy Hambrick today. Why do you care? Because they released a future Hall of Famer last year (Emmitt Smith) because Hambrick was their "back of the future".
Also, Hancock Mississippi's North Central High School has just renamed their stadium Brett Favre Field. Is that not the coolest thing you could ever think of? It only gets better... they've put a 12-foot statue of Brett wearing a Packers' jersey outside of the stadium. Brett Favre is the coolest! What have YOU done with your life? Do YOU have a building named after you? (Don't answer this if you're Randi)

I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's 11 and I'm damn near dizzy with tiredness. Can I say 'tiredness' without sounding lame? I guess not. Goodnight >yawn<

The rain in Chicago is stupid
I'm still trying to get used to the weather here in Chicago. For instance, the wind... it's ever-present. But, today, it's all about the rain. The rain here in Chicago is weird because it either drizzles or downpours, but only for about 10 minutes at a time. After 10 minutes or so, the rain stops... no matter how hard it has rained, the rain stops. I miss the long rains we used to get in Albion... where it would rain all morning... or all night... and you could sit and listen and watch the rain. >contented sigh< I would also not mind rain that doesn't smell like wet garbage. That would be nice.
Speaking of a garbage smell, Ken had his staff test today at 1300. I've been looking forwards to calling him SS Kenny Hoots for like three years... and calling him Sarg... and calling him Little Bitch... wait, I did that anyway. Regardless, Ken has been studying for this test for a long time and I hope it went really well. Ken's the bomb (yet he still gets past security).

When I fix everything, this is the thanks I get!
Okay... so I don't know if I bitched previously about our computer at Coldstone. The Corporate branch got a virus (a worm, actually) and sent it stupidly to every franchisee's computer. Our computer has been shutting itself down after about three minutes for at least a week and a half. The worst thing is the corporate told us not to do anything about it, that they would fix everyone's computer. Okay... so after at least 10 days, I just decided to go back to my computer tech roots and fix it my damn self. I went on the internet and looked around for a while and then headed into the store. I spent about an hour and a half with the computer getting it fixed... but I did it. So f--k that computer!
After finally besting that blasted computer... guess what I got to do? I got to make more f--king ice cream. After receiving the Sysco order (which was like 88 units this time... I'm responsible for making the order, so I feel like I should be there to put all that shit away)... I made ice cream pretty much from 5:30 until 11:30. Not quite 12 hours of making ice cream (like the past couple times), but enough to make me tired and sick of fucking ice cream and everyone who eats that delicious shit. Mmhmm >nods<.
Goodnight everybody :)

How old am I?
I've been wanting to write about this for a while, actually. A while ago, when I was at the bank for a change run, I started talking to Ashleigh and she was very surprised that I was only 23. That's kind of cool, I guess. But, recently, it's happened a lot more. Cherise was shocked as hell that she and I are the same age. Then Christa thought I was 25... and when I went to talk to Lindsey about it, I asked her how old she thought I was before I mentioned what Christa thought, and Lindsey said "I don't know... 25?". So I look, apparently, 25 (twenty-five). You'd think that I would maybe feel good about looking older, but I really don't. You get out of college, and no one knows what the hell age you are. And I guess no one cares.

Yesterday was spent making more ice cream. Yeah... I spent about 12 hours just making ice cream. I got an hour and a half during the middle of the day for what was lunch and dinner... and, yeah, just makin' the ice cream. It's incredible... I made ice cream basically until we were out of ice cream and pans... and I still don't think it was enough. This summer is going to suck so hardcore... someone's going to have to be making ice cream every day. And the lines are just going to keep coming. Stupid ice cream.
Speaking of stupid, my AC finally came on... on a cold day. Yeah, today has been cold all morning, and my AC is finally on in my building. That's life, I guess. I plan on keeping the AC on all the time, to combat the warm weather, which we all know that I hate. I need sunglasses, that's what I need.
Hey... let's keep talking about stuff that sucks! My dreams suck ass! Recently I've had a dream about my car being stolen (which was okay because I lost my keys and I figured if I found my keys, I'd find my car), a paycheck (which was large enough to cover my bills and I was happy), and being at my dad's wake. The last one was, obviously the worst. That was last night's... and I woke up feeling tired, and have felt tired all day.
Do you know what I just realized, blog? I just realized that everyone's gone from school, so no one reads this anymore. Hooray! I can go back to pretending that I'm just talking to myself... which is my favorite thing to do. Let's try it, shall we?
John: Hey
John: What's going on?
John: Not much, you?
John: Pretty much the same. You doing anything today?
John: I guess... if you wanted to. I was just going to hang out here though.
John: Oh yeah? Me too... I guess.
John: Well... if you have something better in mind...
John: No no... hanging out here is cool. It's not like we do that everyday or anything.
John: You know what? I could use just a little less attitude from you, alright?
John: Oh... I don't have an attitude.
John: You do too! Didn't you just hear yourself?
John: Why? Were you not paying attention?
John: Of course I was paying attention... what the hell?
John: I don't know... you were asking me like you weren't paying attention.
John: Man, shut up. You know what I meant.
John: I knew what you meant? Can I read you mind?
John: Yeah, actually.
John: Oh don't bring your opinion into this as if it's fact.
John: What the hell? I don't need this.
John: You need me.
John: No. I don't... I'm totally out of here.
John: Hey! You come back here... I'm sorry. COME BACK! It'll be different! I promise!
>Grand pause<

So today, I got to the store to open with Brian, who's opening for the first time as a keyholder. He's cool... he's openly gay, but not to the point where he wants to create conflict with it, he's just really matter-of-fact. Like, today, he was talking to me as we were walking about one of his friends who gets hit on by men all the time... and his friend is like "I'm sorry, but I don't want to spend my time talking to trash" >gestures towards the person talking to him<. It was so funny... if you see me soon, ask me to do it. Anyway, Andrea asked me to come down into the office to "see/fix" something, and there was water all over the place. There's a leak someplace and it's dripping down into the basement office. It was damn near the straw that broke the camel's back (the camel in this metaphor will be played by my boss)... but we just took it all one step at a time and got it fixed (sort of).
I made the deposit for the first time all by myself. That was pretty cool >shakes head<. I was able to personally count $9000... which is always cool because for about two seconds you can pretend you're counting your own money. And that's always cool. But it was not, in fact, my money. As a matter of fact, I doubt any of that money will go to me. They have a jar at the High Focus Group Worldwide Headquarters... and it says "John's Wage" on it... and they just fill it with whatever change they have left after lunch. That's how I get paid. "Welcome to the real world, Johnny!" Anyway... the deposit took forever, hooray for Robert! Robert's the quarky guy at the bank who likes to count and recount and count one more time... just to make sure he's got it. I admire how anal he is... it makes us similar. But there's a point when I've counted the money where I say to myself "I've already counted this" and I move on. That's not really Robert's style. PLUS! After having spent like an hour downstairs counting all that shit and putting it into easy piles, etc... he just took all my beautiful piles and mashed them together and counted it all himself. So fuck him! I mean... he's cool. It honestly took me at least half an hour at the bank... and by a half an hour, I mean that I entered the bank clean shaven and I left the bank dead! I was already that old! Whatever...
What the Flames?! Calgary is up 2-0 on the San Jose Sharks... which is something I NEVER would have anticipated. Good for Calgary? I don't know... I kind of think the Flames aren't helping hockey by being good (sorry Laura). Hockey needs help. And, of all the teams left, Philly would probably help hockey the most by winning the cup... a good hockey team on the East Coast will get hockey the good pub that they need. People in Canada are going to like hockey anyway... what else do they have? Canadian football? Please! Hockey needs the ratings >gasp< boost that a good team in a big US city will give it. Fuck Tampa Bay! and who gives a shit about San Jose (except Heather Schwitzer)? Let's go Flyers, huh? Yeah... that sounds almost right. >shakes head< no... it doesn't matter, hockey's going into a labor stoppage and there will be minimal fanfare surrounding it. I mean, people in my city won't even notice... we'll be too worried about the Cubs and too busy ignoring the White Sox. Sorry Hockey... but let's keep playing or else there won't be enough people left caring in this country for the NHL to keep going (sure they'll be Canada and Europe and Russia, but stupid baseball is probably now more popular than hockey... and that's saying something, because baseball's stupid).
I'm done... have a great night/day/summer.

Blogger decides to scare me
What the crap? The Blog may look the same to you, but it's different and scary to me. Everything new is scary... and I don't like things that I don't know about: I'm an American!
Alright... enough with the nation bashing! The great thing about this country is that we can do something about it if we are unhappy. For some, that means running for office to replace the current idiots with brand new ones; for others, it means teaching 18 year old girls about their bodies. The second category is me. I can't believe I said that. Oh well... It's not like I can go back and erase things. Once I say it, it's on here, baby!
Whatever... anyway... blogging now looks a lot more like writing an email than actually writing or doing something productive. We all know how much typing emails suck... so I'm kind of not excited by the changes. Although I hate new things as a rule... so this is no surprise to me.
That makes me think about what new things don't suck: So... what new things don't suck? How about me on stage?! That's not new... but it is for Chicago. May 16th seventeen minute show is rapidly approaching (still)... but that show sucks in comparison to the other stuff I'm doing now. On May 30th, Dave, Keith, some dude named Sal and I are going to be doing two short skits (written by Dave) plus one song written by Keith. The cool thing is that it's just us four... doing stuff we wrote. The craptacular part is that we're only performing for 15 minutes.
Brush all that aside because here is the coolest news ever (or at least in the past few months): I got cast in the Writing 5 show! What does that mean? Well... it'll be me and 5 or 6 other people performing stuff written right here at the Second City Chicago. We perform anywhere from 12 to 14 skits, each being in about half of them. The awesome part is that it shows my acting range... I'll be able to play a bunch of different roles, different characters; plus! I'll be able to do scripted acting work again. God it's been so long! It'll feel really good to go on stage and know what I'm doing for once. I totally can't wait. The good news for you >points< is that the performances are 4 or 5 Fridays... from August through to the first weekend of September (Labor Day weekend). The bad news is that with so many shows, you have no f--king excuse to not come see my show. Unless you're defending my country in another country (Ken). Everyone else had damnwell better be there. That means YOU! >Points<

From the "My Boss is cooler than your boss" file
Out of nowhere... I get this in an email from Andrea.
"Here is a quote from Sun Tzu:

The Brilliant Leader: The Ultimate Restraint

'Do not move unless it is advantageous.
Do not execute unless it is effective.
Do not challenge unless it is critical.

An intense View is not a reason to launch an opposition.
An angry leader is not a reason to initiate a challenge.

If engagement brings advantage, move.
If not, stop.

Intensity can cycle back to fondness.
Anger can cycle back to satisfaction.
But an extinct organization cannot cycle back to survival.
And, those who are destroyed cannot cycle back to life.

Thus, a brilliant leader is prudent.
A good leader is on guard.

The overly reckless can be destroyed.
The quickly angered can be ridiculed.
The very fastidious can be humiliated.
The deeply attached can be harassed.

These weaknesses of a leader are catastrophic in the execution of a Strategy. '

Isn't Sun Tzu on the required summer reading list for the Commander in Chief of the largest military in the world? I guess not. "

ZING! At times, she really reminds me of Rhea... the exception being that Andrea actually forms sentences when she talks and Rhea... well... Rhea's Rhea. And we all love her for that. Love her to death! Yes we do, yes we do!
Andrea went on to say that one of America's strongest arguments on the world stage is that we're fighting this war for basic human rights... and that has been undercut by what seems to be the lack of basic human rights we have shown those prisoners. If you want some REALLY good commentary on the subject, see Mr. Sellers' Blog. No matter how brilliant I think his writing is, I'm never giving him enough credit.
The war of words surrounding world politics needs stronger voices than my own. I put a lot of faith in Rhea, John, Miss Amber Buck, my own sister... and those who are strong enough to stand, not against this nation and its government, but up for the ideals upon which this great nation was founded.

College Graduation... the first day of the rest of your life
It just came to me, while "resting" this afternoon (I was tired enough to nap, but I ended up just lying there sweating) that today was Albion College's graduation... class of 2004. Graduation is an interesting day... it doesn't feel nearly as monumental as it should. It honestly is the first day of the rest of your life... unless you decide to "hide out" in grad school. And there's no shame in going to grad school... but it is basically hiding out... trying to keep "life" from happening (unless, of course, your chosen profession forces you to go to grad school because there's "too much" to teach you in four years at college). Hell... I would've gone to grad school, but I didn't know where to hide (also my problem playing hide and seek, but this is another story).

Anyway... to the Albion College Graduating class of 2004, I would like to say this: Don't be afraid... just get out there and go for it. Whether you feel it or not, Albion has prepared your mind for whatever lies ahead of you. Don't even worry about not knowing "what you're doing"... no one knows what they're doing, just do something. Find something that makes you happy, and do it.
"But John," you say "I don't know what makes me happy." I've been there... I know how you feel. You know some things that don't make you happy, right? Don't do those... and try to figure something else out. You've got plenty of time... don't be so "in" to whatever you're doing that you won't take six months or a year and so something else if it comes up. Enjoy the freedom that your youth and lack of commitments gives you.
And that's really all I have to say about that >Forest Gump gets down from the podium<

My dad's funnier than your dad!
Speculating on the series finale of Friends, my father said (of Ross and Rachel): "It would be great if they got on the plane to Paris together and it exploded over the ocean. Would make it kind of current, don't you think? Also, would kind of get us out of the happy ending mentality so that we could better prepare for another term of Bush."
ZING! Wowzers... that's mah old man! Nothing says the current administration better than a fiery death over an ocean. Whoops... I'm getting political again. Time to stop and go back to being a sheep.
Speaking of being sheep... let's talk Coldstone, shall we? Thursday is supposedly my day off. How did I end up having a twelve hour work day? I'm not sure... but I think it's because I'm a bitch. I started making ice cream at 10:30 or so in the morning... and I just kept making the ice cream... just kept making that f--king ice cream. I got roughly an hour to print a contact sheet off and eat what was lunch and dinner. And then I went back to the store to meet all sorts of new kiddos!
The new kiddos: Andrea had 11 (eleven) trainees come in Thursday night. Greg and I split them up into three groups... he handled two groups up front... showing them the stone, getting them pulling, and showing them the register. I took a group into the back... basically so that Greg wouldn't have to worry about 11 kids. Did I have anything to tell them? No... not really... so I rambled for like half an hour while I was >gasp< making more ice cream! I guess it was fun. One of the trainees, Khira, is totally my favorite. She's got a great personality and a great sense of humor... and I liked her a lot. Her word of the night was: Stankstas... what does it mean? I'm pretty sure it's some kind of degradation of some kind. It doesn't matter... she's great. And one of the most energetic trainees (which means I don't like her... kidding... but I hate energy, you know that), Bahiyyah, had a dance to MJs "Thriller"... and she tought me the dance, so we both did it. She was fluid and I was white... but it was still a pretty good rendition of the dance. (Any dance looks better if more than one person's doing it at the same time... it's the nature of dancing)
Let's talk other fun things... Gamefly comes through! (Sort of!) I had two games coming from Gamefly.com: Viewtiful Joe and Eternal Darkness. I set up my account on Saturday, and Thursday I finally got a game in the mail. Except I only got one... I was like "wah wha?" and the mailbox was like "I don't know... I'm just here! I'm just always here!" and I said "fine!". But Viewtiful Joe is kind of a disappointment... Eternal Darkness is pretty sweet. There's not much action, but it's really creepy so far. I like creepy... I'm good at it >rummages through your garbage< REALLY good at it.
Speaking of a great segue... the Spiderman bases. Spiderman bases! I'm SO glad that MLB decided to go back on the agreement to put Spiderman 2 logos on all the bases... because that really would've made me puke. Really. It'd be like putting ads in the goal in hockey... or in the End Zone in football... it's just disgusting. I'm not so sure I want to see Spiderman 2 anyway... but I would HATE it if they had their stupid logo on all the baseball bases. Stupid Spiderman.
Speaking of unrelated things... Jason Kidd and Andre Agassi: seperated at birth? I ask because of the way they walk. They walk in the exact same way... and it's the oddest way I've ever seen in shape men walk. It's like they were once fat and then thinned... because they kind of walk like fat men. Or something... it's really weird. If you get a chance, watch those two guys walk. It's weird.

"This is Chicago"
That's one of my favorite things about the Brown Line. There's a Chicago stop... and the automated voice dude says "This is Chicago" when you stop there. It's the coolest thing ever! I've been thinking about writing a movie about a guy in Chicago... and using that as the introduction/opening credits. I think it would be really awesome to see the L, maybe at night, and some guy just riding around on it after a long day at work or whatever. I think it would make for a pretty kick ass beginning (it does in my head, anyway).
Right, so the reason I was on the Brown line tonight was that I met up with Adam at Improv Olympic up in Wrigleyville. Improv Olympic is a theatre that was started by Del Close... former Second City alumni who, right before he died, is quoted as saying "I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room". IO is a long form improv theatre. What's the mean? Well... the show we saw was an hour; an hour of improv; an hour of improv which was one scene. Yeah... they improved one scene for an hour. Granted it wasn't hilarious... but it was quiet funny. It was incredible that it was improvised... Incredible! I mean... I've seen worse plays before *cough "Going In" cough* and this was improvised. It was an unreal experience... and they perform each week, which means that every week they perform for about an hour of new material. I really want to go back (and besides, it's about a block away from Wrigley Field... and I was able to see the outside during a game. How cool is that?).
Speaking of cool... how cool is it to get an email from your ex-girlfriend saying she's going to California? Very cool... >sigh< Amie sent me an email (it was one of those mass emails) saying she's headed to San Diego. She's just going for the summer... but I guess she's just going to go live off the land, or something. It sort of doesn't surprise me... and I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to get into acting in LA... that's her. Good luck to her... I hope she finds a job. And an apartment. Right.
Back to things that are good... we played a game in my Improv class called Beastie Boys. Oddly enough I was the best one in the class. It's basically an improv rap game... but it's pretty fun and really easy (I thought). Wanna learn it? Let me know (Laura).

I Whine Like a Bitch!
For months now you've been listening to me bitch about how ready I am to get right back on stage... and how anxious I was... and how stupid the Improv games are, as they ill prepare us for actual performance... and now here I am: I've just finished my last improv class before my first improv performance. Do I feel ready? That's the question of the hour. And the answer of the hour is: No. No, I do not. Do I feel even remotely ready? Not particularly.
We went through what a performance would be like (what the performance WILL be like) tonight. Honestly, it was rough. Will it be funny? Most probably... especially if you find it funny to watch me fail at something. We all know who you people are... I call you my high school football team. No no no... it'll be funny enough, but I felt about a million times more ready for this a month ago than I do now, after all the classes are over. So it goes...

The Anti-Climactic end of things...
First, last night was the last night of my writing Level 2 class. My instructor, Joe Janes, had us write a couple description exercises... and I was painfully reminded how terrible I am at describing things. I mean, let's face it, when have I ever painted you a mental picture? Never... because I can't. This is probably the reason why I tried and failed at poetry so many times... I guess I just don't see the world as an artist does.
"But you can change," you say... well, I suppose so. I'm working on it. I figure, the more I read, the better my own descriptions will be. But I'll never be very good... that's why I chose script writing. Hello?! It's all dialogue!
Anyway... Joe Janes looks exactly like Kevin Pollak. Exactly... it's kind of creepy. I think the ironic part is that both Kevin and Joe used to do stand-up... and I think Joe really hated Kevin's stand-up act. I think we talked about that once in class... weird. It's the reason why I hate Brad Pitt >eyes shift back and forth wondering if I got away with that<

In sad news, the Red Wings' season is over. They ran into a team with a brick wall for a goaltender... a team that was hungry for the respect that beating the Red Wings would give them... a team that was hungrier than the Wings were. Calgary played well... and deserve every part of that series victory. If San Jose would get off their asses and beat Colorado, I don't know that Calgary will have a chance... as San Jose was on fire. Unfortunately for the Sharks, they decided it would be a good idea to let Colorado back into the series. Whatever. The Maple Leafs are the only team in the playoffs I still mildly care about... so go Toronto!

In happier news, the Pistons beat the tar out of the Nets last night. They held New Jersey to like 5 points in the first half (I'm exaggerating). But they did hold the Nets to the lowest playoff output in the shot clock era. Tayshaun Prince is pretty much the man. I would love to see the Detroit Free Press today... to see what they say about this series. I fully expect the Nets to come out on fire in game two... and make this a series. You can't get embarrassed like the Nets did without coming out and trying to kill everyone! >shrug< Game two should be interesting (Friday) to say the least.

Welcome to today... good luck to all those Albanians still taking finals.

It's the little things that make life worth living...
Here is something that we got from one of our customers. It's self-explanatory... but it made me feel really good. It validated what I am trying to do here... just read:

"My name is Molly and I am 11 years old. I love the Coldstone Creamery store on Wells St. in Chicago and I am very excited that there will be a store opening in my neighborhood on Halsted St. in Lakeview in Chicago. I have told all my friends about Coldstone Creamery and we can't wait. Are you going to have any coupons for when you open your store. I will go around my neighborhood and deliver them if you want and I will make sure that all my friends will go. My sister who is 13 is very excited too. I am writing this e-mail on my mom's e-mail cuz she helped me find it. You can e-mail to me at my e-mail. It is - ***********@sbcglobal.net. I can't wait. Let me know if you will have coupons.
Thank-you, Molly Dunbar"

If I ever meet Molly Dunbar, I will hug her and be that creepy old guy who hugs girls for no reason. But Molly is great. And I honestly just want to make people happy... my needs are simple. And now, I need sleep. goodnight ^_^

Updating Wireless Minutes!!!
Hey all... I just updated my wireless plan so that I get 1200 (twelve hundred) anytime minutes and unlimited "In" network minutes. That means if you have Verizon Wireless (like James Earl Jones), feel free to call me all the time. If you don't, feel free to call me for 1200 minutes during the month (or anytime after 9 PM CST). How much fun was that?!

Here's something... for those of you who are like me:
GOD GRANT ME
THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT
THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,
COURAGE
TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND WISDOM ALWAYS
TO TELL THE
DIFFERENCE

Trying to get back on stage...
Before I write about my one true love (the stage... which never leaves me, I leave it), let me just talk briefly about last night. I was having a good day... lounging around, reading, watching some sports, I had taken a nap in the afternoon... I was just preparing for a night where I could finish my script. Then I got a call... there was no keyholder on the shift tonight, so would I come in? Honestly, I was about to tell Andrea 'no' when I remembered that this was, in fact, my job. So at around 9:00 at night I went into work to help close the store. It was slow enough and there were enough workers (5 in fact) that a lot of the stuff was done before we even closed the store. Unfortunately for me, this left me with lots of people standing around doing nothing and me trying to figure out what they can do so that I can concentrate on counting the registers. I ended up staying like twenty minutes later than everyone else just because I couldn't juggle telling people what to do and counting. I suck.
Anyway... on a happier note, May 16th is rapidly approaching and, ergo, so is my first Improv show. When I first started thinking (read: daydreaming) about the show, I thought that my class would be the greatest level C class ever and that we'd just bring the house down. But, more recently, I have the feeling that we'll be stupid and unfunny like everyone else. I'm at a point now where I just want to get it over with... I don't think we'll be any more or less funny than anyone else, I just am sick of worrying about it. I should worry about something else.
I've got an idea! How about Dave and Keith from my class sign us up for a slot in the Skybox?! How about they sign us up for 15 minutes in the Skybox for May 30th?! Okay great! That's what they did! >sigh< So we've got a couple scripts together and we have exactly 15 minutes on stage to do whatever we want, and we're going to start practicing next Sunday. We'll be doing one of Keith's songs (which is hilarious... maybe... it'll be good music, regardless, because Keith is awesome) and two of Dave's scripts. One of them is akin to the SNL "Da Bears" skits of the mid/late 80s... and I'm pretty sure that one is great. The other one is okay by my estimation, and it'll probably go first. So it goes. That's that... 15 minutes on May 30th... just four or five guys doing some comedy. Just like I did in the old days... before many of you were born (I'm speaking to my exs).
Also, not to get anyone's hopes up (even though my hopes are up [gross]), I'm auditioning for the Writing Level 5 show. For those of you who saw it with me (I mean Amber and Jim), that was the show I made you guys see. For those of your who didn't see it (everyone who is not Amber nor Jim)... the Writing Level 5 show is something that I'll be writing for if I make it to Level 5 (I'll be in Level 3 come May 17th). So it's basically schmucks like me, only schmucks who have been writing at the Second City for four more months than I have. Level 4 is the actual writing of this show and then Level 5 is the production... so every term a group of actors is needed to perform for these shows, and this term I hope I'm one of them. The actors perform about a dozen 5 minute scenes... and I think each actor is only in 6 of them tops, so it shouldn't be too difficult. I think the tough thing will be keeping the show fresh while performing the MONTHLONG RUN. Granted it's only one night a week... but it's still over an entire month. That's the longest run I've ever had (second to A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum... which I believe was two full weekends, 7 or 8 shows in all [it was a long time ago, I'm surprised I still remember being in it... leave me alone]).

Well... I think I procrastinated long enough... it's time to start writing my script again. Wish me luck, as this is the last class of Level 2. I'll soon move on to bigger and better things... or just higher numbered classes.

What the hell do I do with my Saturdays?
I wake up at 7:30 so I can go into Coldstone and make cakes! Hooray!!! Wait... no, that sucks big time. oh yeah... I forgot. Well... there were new cakes to be made for special orders, and Andrea and I are the only two who still know how to make the cakes (you'd think I would get on that, wouldn't you? Shut up... I've been busy). Anyway... so I spent the better part of the morning and afternoon making two cakes for two different people. Are the cakes amazing? Yes... are they worth $40? Only if you included labor. Do I hate Genache? With every fiber of my being... every atomic particle that makes up my person hates Genache. I want to make sure we're clear on this, as the Genache makes me want to cry.
Speaking of crying... have you seen those fishing commercials? Maybe it's an Illinois thing, but there are all these commercials for taking people fishing. In one of them, there's an old man in fishing gear, and his voice in the voiceover says, "Take me fishing... because I miss my boy." As stupid as it sounds, that's all it took to make me cry. My dad calls me "boy" sometimes, or "my boy", or whatever... and I missed the crap out of him when I heard that commercial.

Let's talk about something else, shall we? Some other kind of emotion... um... let's see. What emotions do I understand?: Sadness... done it; Joy... been a while; Anger... found it! Okay, so I sometimes go to the Movie Store (aka Blockbuster) to rent video games. This only works when there are actually games worth renting... and Blockbuster is pretty shitty about having games that people actually want to rent. So after another frustrating night, wherein I visited two Blockbuster's to find games that don't suck... I decided to do something about it. I've heard about Gamefly.com from Best Buy... and I've checked it out before. I've finally signed up for the low-low price of $22 per month. I figure it's less than I pay for porn, so I should be good.
Speaking of porn, did anyone see the SNL Harry Potter skit last night? The premise was that Lindsay Lohan, who played Hermione... and everyone came back to the summer and Hermione had "grown" and was all hot. It used a couple cheap masturbation jokes... but it was still a pretty funny skit. Okay, it was really funny... and Lindsay Lohan is totally hot. Hooray for 17 year olds! And I think she did a pretty good crappy British accent too.

Anyway... to atone for my mental sins, I decided to pick up a book to punish myself (and we all know this is a punishment because I'm American and we're only supposed to be interested in movies and wasting money and guns). I finally started reading Slaughterhouse Five and I enjoy it. Don't tell me what you think about it (Ken)... I want to finish the book before I start talking about it (Laura). But, two interesting themes I've picked up on: time and stopping time; and an overview or bird's-eye view. Fun book.
By the way... I finally figured out how to understand baseball. If you think of watching one game as just one game... you don't get it. You're lost in the boringness of the one game. You have to think about the greater picture when you're watching baseball. You have to think about the entire five game series... and you have to think about how the series is effecting your team over the entire season... I think that's the only way to watch baseball. Think about it... who enjoys baseball the most? People (usually men) who know everything about the history of baseball. THEY are the ones who enjoy "America's pastime" the most. I put that in quotes, because baseball is probably Central America's pastime. Right...
I've got to finish my script for tomorrow later today... I'm actually procrastinating right now so that I don't have to write it. Isn't that great? I took a nap... just to procrastinate further. That's dedication, homes.