Friday, April 30, 2004

Something that actually made me say "Jesus Christ!" out loud to myself...
Take a look at this. Make sure you look at both of the pictures by clicking on the "gun". Fortunately for our society, the size in the pictures are misleading. The gun is only, apparently, action figure size. And, fortunately again, the pieces apparently don't stick together very well when you're actually trying to assemble it. But, I ask you >points<... why do children need to know how to put together an assult rifle? What country is this?
Don't you just love it when everything comes together in your head?
I spent a good deal of time yesterday writing/thinking about my script for Monday. And, since it's already 1 in the afternoon and I haven't gotten a single call from work, I've been spending some time this morning thinking about it too. Finally, after all that thinking, I've come up with something that I feel is absolutely brilliant.
What is it? you might ask. I'm not telling until I'm done... but here's a clue :)

Soroity Slut
You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're
really cheesy! Have fun with the entire
football team.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

PS If you can't see the picture (which I think is the case), take the quiz and see. It's a funny picture... Ha ha! I'm a Barbie slut... wait :(
PSS I think someone's moving in above me... there's been lots of noise up there and it sounds like they're spraying something (painting the walls?)... and I'm pretty scared by it. Whatever.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

On a not-so-special CrazyJohn...
I got the day off! Hooray! Hooray for Thursdays!
I spent most of the morning/afternoon playing GTA: Vice City. I got it for Christmas... but never really got around to playing it until today. What's weird is that GTA 3 reminds me of the summer before my senior year. I don't know how many nights/early mornings were spent playing GTA 3 on my computer... and playing it again makes me think of the smell of the Albion rain... and that tree right outside the window at Burns... and that summer makes me think about all the time Laura and I spent together. It was really a great summer... I really enjoyed that summer, even though I was still working my ass off while it seemed like everyone else around me had plenty of free time.
BTW... FURSCA is the awesomest program in Albion history. If you get the chance... do it. I wish I would've gotten paid to stay in Albion over the summer and do research towards my thesis. How great would that have been? (Hint: very)
Anyway... I have a list of things I need to do eventually... but I really wanted to not do anything today. I still feel really tired from this weekend AND my stupid staying up all night to study my sanitation exam stupidity. >sigh< Tired... but I did watch some sports tonight... see?

Detroit Sports City:
The Wings look like they just don't want it badly enough. I mean... the Flames look hungry and the Wings look like they're playing a regular season game. Cujo looks like he wants it... but I don't think he's good enough to carry the team. Robert Lang is a MAN... holy crap is he good. I had no idea when we traded for him... but he's awesome.
But speaking of wanting it... the Pistons looked good tonight. They won the series with Milwaukee, including a couple blowout wins. They now have a matchup in the second round with the team that kicked their collective asses in the Conference finals last year: New Jersey. I think that the Nets are in danger of not being hungry enough... and I think the Pistons REALLY want to win. We'll see.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

On a very special CrazyJohn...
John proclaims his undying love for Ms. Mildred Wong.
"Oh Ms. Mildred Wong... I love you"
>pause... eyes shift back and forth<
What do you expect, a novel? You're gettin' this shit for free!
Today was the last day of my City of Chicago Sanitation class... and I took the exam. I pretty much stayed up all last night studying... I did my thing where I was awake for a couple hours, then slept for an hour an a half, then was awake again. In all honesty, it felt like college again... it felt pretty good.
Maybe I should say a few things about the sanitation class. Hmm... the sanitation class was set up, as Andrea says, to "catch" Chinese restaurants and other people who don't speak English. Catch them at what? Catch them at serving dog meat or other unsanitary things... I suppose. So, imagine if you will a class wherein the topics are VERY important, yet it's taught to you as if you were in elementary school. This is what I've been doing for the past three Wednesdays for about 8 hours a day. Fun, huh? Bet you wish you were here... learning about Listeria or something.
Fortunately for me, I had the sexiest teacher known to human kind: Ms Mildred Wong. That's right kiddies, nothing says sexy, to me, like a fifty something Chinese dietician. Mmm... She also knows logic, because she said "darefo" (which is Chinese for "therefore") after almost every sentence. Every Wednesday my heart would flood with the love and pure desire for Ms. Wong and I would be unable to contain myself unless we got our break at 10:30 for 10 minutes, our lunch a little before noon for an hour, and another break sometime around 2 or 2:30. But now my life must go on. I must let go of my beloved Mildred, so that she might go forth and teach others that sneezing and then handling food is not a good idea. I will miss her with every fiber of my being. Whenever I go up Mt. Fuji to see Jackie Chan so that I may obtain the special energy, the special karate chop... and he pulls out of his safe deposit box containing 165 degrees F, 15 seconds; 155 degrees F, 15 seconds; and 145 degrees F, 15 seconds, so that I may kill harmful microorganisms... I'll think of Ms. Wong... and Jackie and I will remember her fondly, while he and I battle salmonella, trickonosis, and E coli. Au revoir, Mildred. >blows kiss into the wind<

Check out the quote I got! Wait... before I show you, get into a philosophical state of mind. Find that hard to do? Think of me... now think of me arguing with you over something minute or irrelevant (This should not be hard for you... particularly if your name is Laura). Now read...
"Act through nonaction,
Handle affairs through noninterference,
Taste what has no taste,
Regard the small as great, the few as many,
Repay resentment with integrity.

Undertake difficult tasks
by approaching what is easy in them;
Do great deeds
by focusing on thier minute aspects.

All difficulties under heaven arise from what is easy,
All great things under heaven arise from what is minute.

For this reason,
The sage never strives to do what is great.
Therefore,
He can acheive greatness.

One who lightly assents
will seldom be believed;
One who thinks everything is easy
will encounter much difficulty.

For this reason,
Even the sage considers things difficult.
Therefore,
In the end he is without dificulty."

Pretty neat, huh? The origin of the quote is unknown... it came to me from Heaven... or on the information superhighway that we humans refer to as the World Wide Web. (Take THAT Hyper-Text Transfer Protical! >pushes up glasses<)

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Geez... it feels like it's been a long time!
Last night, in my writing class, my instructor Joe James was talking about how he writes. He told us that he wakes up at 6 or 7 in the morning, every morning. Then he "putzes" around for about 45 minutes, eating breakfast, doing laundry, etc. He then reads something completely unrelated to what he's writing for half an hour... and then starts writing. After 45 minutes, he stops... regardless of where he is... even if it's mid-sentence. He said it was a trick Hemingway used to do: if you leave your writing mid-sentence, you know EXACTLY where you left off when you return. Then he does something unrelated for 15 minutes... and goes back to writing for another 45 minutes. This way he's not burned out or overwhelmed whenever he writes.
Isn't that cool? I thought so, screw you! I was just thinking about somehow making my own schedule like that. The only problem is that I really like to write in this here blog >pats< at night... but it would be easiest with my job to write in the morning, before the store is open. So I have no idea what to do. I might have to start doing something where I write about my day at night, and I write my scripts during the day... or something. That's a lot of writing.
I kind of liked the idea because Sunday and Monday, I had two scripts to write... and I just ended up being pretty mentally exhausted when the whole thing was done. Even Monday night, after it was all finished, I was feeling the effects of having my brain have to work for so long. I guess it's not used to that kind of time pressure anymore... or writing is a lot more challenging that YOU give it credit for. You stupid business person, you. >shrug< Wanna see what I wrote? Leave me a comment. If not, I keep all my stuff to myself :P
Plus, maybe I'll start timing my blog-postings so that I not just sitting here thinking and typing, but I actually have a set time that i have to get all the shit out of my head and on to the information superhighway so that everyone in the world can see my cranial fecal matter.
Speaking of poo... I just got my wireless bill. I get 800 (eight hundred) anytime minutes for a pretty good rate. Last month I used 972 (nine hundred and seventy two) minutes during my peak hours... and the extra (almost) three hours basically doubled my bill. Doubled! Now I'm not faulting you all >points< because I love it when you call and it's worth all the money in the world to be able to talk to you... but I don't know how I could've used almost a thousand (1000) minutes in a month. Anyway, since it's SO expensive, I'm thinking about raising the amount of minutes that I have to 1000... and then I probably won't ever have to worry about going over again. 1000 minutes is a LOT. Ooo! If you have Verizon Wireless... feel free to call me anytime, as we're "In" network. How cool is that? (Hint: not really cool at all)

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Packers move up to select...
Another interior defensive lineman. Okay... I'm sorry... but who is paying attention to the draft? Is anyone on my team watching the draft or did we get monkeys to make the picks again this year? Sure, Corey Williams may be exactly who we wanted... but he doesn't fill a need. He doesn't do anything except take up another pick that should be someone good. Whatever!
It's like we decided that we needed a good cornerback and a good defensive tackle... and we couldn't get quality, so we're going for quantity. I would like to hit someone in the head. And there's no one here. I will now be forced to hit myself in the head. *strike*

>time elapses< Whoa... what just happened? I fainted earlier today... maybe it happened again. Hey... it's the Master and Commander commercial! I heard I should watch that movie. Am I going to? No... no I'm not. I'd much rather be watching something that doesn't make me hate Russell Crowe. >shrug< I started off liking Russell Crowe. Remember Virtuosity? I do... I really liked that movie. And I loved Gladiator... and, upon watching it again a few times, I really like A Beautiful Mind. So what's my deal with Russell Crowe? I don't know. I guess I just can't forgive him for Romper Stomper. Heehee... that's only funny to me, as I haven't seen that movie. >Sigh< Unappreciated genius is what you're witnessing, kiddies.
Other stuff happened yesterday too!
Oh yeah... the entire day wasn't about the NFL Draft yesterday. The Wings won to tie their series at 1-1... and the Pistons won to move ahead in their series 2-1. I also got calls from Ken and Nate (Congrats again Nate! You rock the block!)... who wanted to know how I felt about the draft so far. I also talked to Laura for a while, who cared not about the draft or anything to do with football unless it's the Lions beating my Packers on Thanksgiving, you bastard. Plus Jim and I had some good conversation about the draft and stuff in general. And it was nice to not have to worry about work, sans the CostCo run.
Speaking of which, I've also got today off. How cool is that? (Hint: very) The bad news is that I've still >gasp< got laundry to do and I've still >gasp< got two scripts to write AND I've still >hyperventilate... faint<


... got to study for my sanitation exam. So I've got a busy day of crap. I can't wait. >rolls eyes<
John speaks on Day One of the Draft
All I can do is shake my head at my Packers, who selected not one but two cornerbacks with their first two picks. Cornerback was/is not a need position for the Pack, so I find it very difficult to understand spending our first two picks on CBs. I also find it difficult to understand why Ahmad Carroll was picked in the first round, when it didn't seem like he was on any other team's list. We certainly could have traded out of the first round and still gotten Carroll.
We then traded out of the second round to get a third and a forth round pick... Okay... that was good, let's get quantity over quality or whatever. The Packers have always been really good at getting quality out of late round picks, so I'm not unhappy about it. Ok... now let's do something with our third round picks. So what do we do with our first third round pick? Take another cornerback?! What? And it's some dude from Division I-AA? Whatever! God!
THEN we trade up to get a Defensive Tackle: Donnell Washington. This may or may not be a good move... I hear this guy is okay. But, again, defensive tackle was/is not a need position. We NEED a defensive end who can pass rush. AND, we traded BACK the fourth round pick that we had just traded for... so good-bye to our fourth round pick for this guy. Geez!
THEN we trade our other fourth round pick AND our only fifth round pick to trade up for B.J. Sander, a PUNTER from Ohio State in the third round. Great! We trade up to get a punter in the third round. Let me tell you all a little something about the NFL draft. No one takes kickers... kickers can go the second day, in the fourth or fifth rounds TOPS. I believe I heard something about Mr. Sander being the highest drafted punter ever. Because no one drafts punters. I just have to sit back and shake my head at whatever idiot is in charge of the draft for my team. So now we basically have three non-need positions filled and we reached for two of our picks AND we've only got a sixth and two seventh round picks left. I hate my team.

On better notes, the Lions and Bears have dramatically improved their teams by not wasting their picks on idiots. Lions will have a much improved offense and the Bears will have a better defense... and my Packers will sure as hell be able to punt! >sigh< Anyway, the Vikings I guess are better... but the suck so hardcore that it's tough to tell.
From the offseason acquisitions, I'm making a few bold predictions: Bears 10-6, Packers 9-7, Lions 8-8, Vikings 5-11. I don't know if the Lions are going to pass the Packers yet... as the Lions' defense is still pretty pourous. The Bears' Offense is going to be pretty good with Grossman at QB and the Defense will be SO GOOD.

And here comes day two...

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Jim Says

End of the Day: Obviously it was a crazy first and second round, with all kinds of trades and unexpected things happening. The Lions did a great job, and potentially, this could be a big turning point for the organization. They now have a running games and a potentially superior passing game. Lehman fills a need, as he third guy. I would move Chris Cash to strong Safety and the third round pick to the nickel/dime spot.

The Bears did a good job, and their third round pick filled a need for someone explosive. The Harris and Williams selections fill the need at DT, though I'm sure Marriotti will rip them for not taking Stephen Jackson.


The Packers
I was shocked they didn't pick a DT or DE in the second or third. Obviously the McKenzie situation is the cloud hanging over everything they do, maybe they'll make a deal. Couch to the Packers seems like it will happen, because they had an opportunity to take Schaub and they didn't. The Sander pick was a need. Anyone who watched an Ohio St. game realized that he, and his leg, are an incredible weapon. He kills balls and can pin teams deep. The question will of course be, was a 3rd, and giving up a 5th and a 4th worth a punter? He will have pressure, but of any punter to come out of College in the last 5 years, he can.
John says
WE MOVED UP TO TAKE A PUNTER?! >faints<
John says
Who? WHO? Who? WHO? Um... WHO? The Packers picked Joey Thomas a CB from Montana State. Who? Good lord! Why do my Packers pick such crap? I mean, seriously? Crap? People I've never heard of... and why take two CBs? What's the deal?

And now, all of a sudden, they've got another pick... who will it be? Someone I've never heard of, I'm sure. >sigh< What the shit? How about a third cornerback? Then we could have a whole nickel package.
Donnell Washington was just selected by the Packers... I don't really know anything about him, but they say he's a big guy. Do we need a big guy? No... we need a pass rusher. Do I hate my team on draft day? Yes... yes I do.
John says
Packers just traded down to the Jags... I think this is a good deal because I don't see anyone around who the Packers should pick. Who knows what the Packers will do? Not even me!
John says
Oh wow! Dallas selects Julius Jones of Notre Dame over Greg Jones of Florida St. >shakes head< He is NOT the running back they are looking for. I mean, Parcelles likes running backs who are more like Greg than Julius. Weird that they would drop out of the first round... out of selecting ANY of the better backs and then get their guy who is Julius Jones? What is that? >shakes head<
John says
Millen can draft, I'll give him that. Other than the draft, Millen is an idiot. Now with Rogers and Williams starting out wide, Az Hakim can return to the slot where he ripped apart the league with the Rams. Jones is a fantastic back, and I think he was exactly who the Lions were looking to draft, as they traded up into the first round to make sure they had him. Plus Teddy Lehman is super-fast (even for a white dude)... and a good pick for the Lions. I'm excited for Nate and Jim and the Lion's season this year... they will continue to improve, as will the Bears. Who won't improve? My Packers... my Packers are not getting better, which means they're getting worse. (What the Yogi Berra?) If you're not improving in the NFL, everyone else is getting better... you're going to be left behind. That's how this league works.

Jags first round pick, Williams... again, not good. Jags second round pick, Daryl Smith... IS good. I think he's a better linebacker than Lehman... but Smith is a natural middle linebacker and the Lions would've had to move him.
Jim Says

Lions moves here have been good. They got their running back and wide reciever and now have chance to get someone else who should start. They didn't give up to much this year either, a second which they got two of as result of the deal with Cleveland. Then a 4th and a 5th next year, this is not a great price to pay to move up and get two guys they want. The just took Teddy Lehman, from Oklahoma, with their second round pick, and he will start on the weakside. A good player. The one position they really didn't address was tight end. But maybe someone will still be available at the third round pick, or in free agency. Safety might also be a question, again maybe something happens after June 1 when those cuts are made. Good first two rounds. Millen did another good job
John says
Wow... If Michael Vick stays healthy... wow... the Falcons are going to be GOOD. They are going to be scary good. Michael Jenkins is now added to a very good offense... and I see Atlanta challenging for the division.
I also think that changing the Falcons to the West Coast Offense is a terrible terrible idea. Vick isn't a West Coast Quarterback... I think he's worthy of his own kind of offense. Let's figure out a whole new kind of offense that uses his mobility and HUGE arm to tear defenses apart. Come on!!!
John says
I agree on Chris Perry... I like Perry. His versatility reminds me of Anthony Thomas... who I thought of as a very versatile back out of Michigan. And Perry has a good chance to do really well... with Palmer, Johnson, and a good defense, Cincinnati is only getting better.

Jason Babin of Western Michigan to Texans. Apparently the Texans wanted him so badly that they traded their 2, 3, 4, and 5 round picks for him. Wow... what a great situation for Babin, with a team that really seems to want him. Speaking of Western... Congratulations to Nate, who graduates today. I hope I don't forget to call him today. I'm posting this so I don't forget... but I still might forget cuz I'm a loser like that. Poop on me.
Jim Says

Chris Perry - First Michigan guy taken. I'm glad he'll go someplace like Cincinatti. He's extremely versatile. He's been through a lot at Michigan, Lloyd Carr famously wanted him to transfer. He does everything well. If he were to become a big time back, I think he can be Curtis Martin, or Duce Staley someone who does everything well, but maybe isn't exceptional in any one area. Good for Chris. Now we just need David Underwood or Pierre Rembert o step up, and we'll win the Big Ten again.
John says
Who? Time out... WHO? Who? WHO? Who? WHO? WHO!?!? Ahmad "Alex" Carroll goes to the Green Bay Packers. It's a good pick for the Packers to go with a DB, because of the whole McKenzie "thing". Jim says that his 41" vertical is "pretty good"... but he (Alex) is still a short son of a bitch. That's what we needed... a short DB to go against Philly's newfound size and Chicago's Justin Gage and Detroit's "twin towers" and Vikings stupid-head Moss. Hmm... oh well. Look for the Packers to still select a QB (perhaps Virginia's Schuab)... a pass-rushing defensive lineman... maybe a linebacker... and maybe a fullback or punter.
John says
Have you seen the Bengals new uniforms? HAVE YOU??? I love the new uniforms.... LOVE THEM! Too bad Chad Johnson is an idiot... but I don't mind the Bengals. I like Marvin Lewis, and I think he's a good coach. I would also like to add that they use an ugly, blinding orange in their uniforms... and I LOVE ugly! I would really like a team to use blinding yellow in their uniforms. YELLOW! MORE YELLOW!

Something I didn't mention... I don't think that Jacksonville's selection, Reggie Williams, was all that great a pick. I think they could've traded down and still gotten Williams if that's who they wanted. But, alas, no one ever asks me.
John says
Dallas traded out of the spot to Buffalo... and Buffalo took J.P. Losman. I'm glad that Losman didn't fall to the Packers, as everyone has been comparing him to Favre and that would be a terrible fit for Losman. How would you like to come into a town being compared to a future hall of fame QB who you're replacing? I mean... that would be shitty!
Sidenote: Jim keeps saying Bradlee Van Pelt is going to the Packers. If this happens, I'm going somewhere and I'm going to physically kill someone. I HATE Van Pelt... he's a pile of poop that walks and is cocky. This is the worst kind of poop.

Dallas... bad trade. I'm not impressed. Boo!
John says
Michael Irvin: "We need a running back... uh... Dallas needs a running back." Whoops! I guess Irvin hasn't heard of objective journalism. Whoopsies... I guess he's an idiot. What an idiot.
Dallas had BETTER select Steven Jackson... they'd be Irvin-esque idiots. STEVEN JACKSON! DO IT!!!
Jim Says

Wilfork goes to New England, and Bill Belicheck has another weapon to create havoc with. Tom Brady is everything Drew Henson was supposed to be at Michigan. All he did was win. The game that best exemplifies this was his last one, against Alabama in the Orange Bowl. Michigan quickly went down by 14, and Brady, mostly be passing to David Terrell, brought them back. Then they went down 14 again, and again he led them back. No one in Michigan history, perhaps with the exception of Jim Harbaugh, were you more confient in as a winner. All he has ever done is win, and that has continued in the NFL. Plus he's very handsome ; )
John says
The Minnesota Vikings select... a sucky team. Hooray for me! No, seriously, Udeze is a great pick for them... because he's a good player, but I still hate the Vikings. I hate them most of all! I also hate Philly (T.O.) and Oakland (Sapp) and Dallas (Keyshawn)! And I hate anyone who roots for Tampa Bay in the Super Bowl. And I hate New England (Brady)... because of Tom Brady. I hate Tom Brady. I hate him... I totally hate him. I don't care what Jim says, Tom Brady is a bitch. Ooo! But I do like Pittsburgh now because I like Roesthlisberger and Maddox isn't going to be quarterback anymore. And I like the uniforms. How gay is that? Very!
Jim Says

DJ Williams to Denver. This makes sense. They lost Ian Gold and John Mobley is holding out, so they needed a linebacker. Williams is fast and thats a necessity in the AFC West, with lots of passing games. Jackson is dropping way further than I thought he might, and the Vikings have to be incredibly excited to get either Kenechi Udeze or Vince Wilfork. Will Smith just went to the Saints, and he's a good player, and they seem to be putting together quite a defensive line with their first pick last year Jonathon Sullivan. The Vikings are now up. Shenanigans to come I'm sure. I would pick either Wilfork or Udeze, though maybe they take Chris Gamble to complete their secondary with Antoine Winfield being signed. And now they have traded down one slot to the Dolphins. The Dolphins take Vernon Carey, the top guard in the draft. He can also play right tackle, so maybe that is where the see Carey. We'll see, the Vikings still can get Wilfork or Udeze plus another player later on. Michael Irvin sucks, he really, really sucks. Vikings Get Udeze. Good for them, they got great value. John hates this pick, he really, really does
John says
Philly trades up to get... Shaun Andrews. What? Um... WHAT??? No one was talking about Shaun Andrews or about taking Shaun Andrews or about anything to do with Shaun Andrews. So Philly traded up like 12 spots to draft someone that no one was talking about. What a STUPID STUPID pick! STUPID! I hate the Eagles! (I like Donovan McNabb... but HATE the T.O. era Eagles).
BTW Michael Irvin stinks! He stinks!!!
Jim Says

Bucs take Michael Clayton, and Stephen Jackson continues to drop down. Clayton is the 5th wide receiver in the first 15 picks. The ESPN guys like Clayton, but this seems way to high, and there are other needs like Stephen Jackson at Running back. Speaking of the ESPN guys. We need to take sometime to discuss Michael Irvin. Irvin replaced Sterling Sharpe on Countdown. To me, he is a huge downgrade. Sterling Sharpe brought good analysis and some flash. Michael Irvin was hired, seemingly, to be ESPN's answer to Deion on CBS. But Deane doesn't provide analysis. ISBN does. That is what ISBN is supposed to do, and I enjoy about their pregame show, that they provide real analysis. Irvin stinks. Stinks. Stinks. Eagles just traded up to get Shaun Andrews, the raw lineman from Arkansas. This doesn't make much since, given that they have Tra Thomas and Jon Runyan. Jackson makes a lot more sense here. Bad Pick. Denver should be taking Stephen Jackson presently. Will Andrews be playing guard?
John says
Tommie Harris to Bears... Jim and I actually called this one. Tommie Harris is the best defensive lineman in the draft, and probably the best defensive big man in the nation this year. Watch out for the Bears this year! I'm thinking 9-7 or better... and they'll probably compete for the division this year. Harris on Bears... great pick!
Jim Says
Lee Evans is a need pick for the Bills at 13 and it will likely be a productive one.

The Bears are up next. Both Vince Wilfork and Tommie Harris are available. Wilfork is heavier and perhaps has more potential. But there are questions about his conditioning. Harris is smaller and more agile, but there are questions about whether the system he played in at OU is more responsible for what production he had. Harris didn't produce a lot either, but he was double or triple teamed. Lovie Smith generally prefers faster guys on the D-Line which is why Keith Traylor isn't back. Lets see what they do.
John says
Vilma to Jets... good pick, but maybe a little too high. Vilma's a good linebacker, but he could probably have gone in the later teens or early twenties. But the Jets have historically made linebackers into All Pros.
John says
Roesthlisberger to Steelers... I sound like a broken record, but this is also a good pick. The Steelers NEED a quarterback to replace the most overrated and irritating quarterback in the history of people: Tommy Maddox. The Steelers have great wide receivers and Ben will be able to learn a lot and learn quickly from them. Good pick.
By the way... if you're waiting for me to say "BAD PICK" just wait until the 25th pick, when the Packers draft.
John says
Gallery to Oakland... good pick, except all of their "skill" players are over a thousand years old. Well... at least they'll have a good lineman for a long time.
Fitzgerald to Arizona... good pick. Re-uniting the old ballboy of Dennis Green... Plus! Now, think of Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Bryant Johnson as a wide receiver core and Arizona has a chance of going 8-8 this year. Too bad the quarterback sucks ass.
Winslow II to Cleveland... (what am I going to say?) good pick. Cleveland needs lots of help in lots of positions, and Winslow seems to be a receiving threat anywhere on the field. Too bad he's a "soldier", such an idiot.

Williams to Detroit... I'm not so sure. Too many "big-play" receivers CAN be a bad thing. Rogers and Williams might be phenomenal... or they could clash, spending too much time worrying about who's getting the ball and not worrying about winning the game. Good luck to Williams.
Jim Says
Two things

Cleveland trades up 1 slot to get Kellen Winslow. I don't have a problem with the pick. I have a problem with the guy who made it. Butch Davis, to me, is the most overrated coach in football. This off-season, Bitch Davis has driven out BOTH Carmen Policy, who helped build the 49ers and Ron Wolf, who bult the Packers. Butch Davis did a great job at Miami, but he has never won anything in the NFL. The Lerners need to wise up quick.

The Lions got a 2nd for moving down 1 slot, then took Roy Williams. This is a fun pick because they now have two franchise Wide Recievers. And they have an extra second, so they can get a running back, tight end, or linebacker next round. Great move by Matt Millen, who has always drafted extremely well.
John says
Okay... I'm back from CostCo. I'm excited for both San Diego and New York with the Manning, Rivers, and picks trade. Manning is going to a place, in New York, where he will be embraced by the fans. Rivers going to San Diego gives them a very good quarterback who, gasp, might actually want to be there... plus San Diego gets a TON of picks. And, let's face it, San Diego needs good players. They need bad players... they just need players who aren't dead, and that's what they'll get.
Jim says
Washington - Taylor or Winslow? This will determine how the Lions draft. Some rumors have the Lions trading down with the Jaguars so J'Ville can take Roy Williams, and the Lions would get the 9, a mid-round pick and Donovin Darius. Redskins take - Taylor, helps the D. Rivers and Manning deal just went down. Rivers to the Chargers, with the Giants 3rd, plus the Giants 1st and 5th next year. San Diego gets what they want, and New York gets who they want. They saved face. Nice work.
Jim says
Giants - Phillip Rivers. The ESPN guys just went nuts, they believe there to be a deal. I agree, if they wanted a quarterback here, they would have taken Roethlisberger here, or someone else. Maybe they will keep it. We'll see. By the way, Jaws hates Rivers' throwing motion. Jaws is also an idiot sometimes. ESPN production snafu. Salisbury sent out a report to Palantonio in New York and the camera went to Ed Werder in Washington. Then when Suzy Kolber went to talk to Phillip Rivers he couldn't hear anything. ESPN is the best, this happens to everyone, so it just seems weird when it happens to the best.
Jim says
Larry Fitzgerald- Arizona. This was the most obvious pick. They loved Fitzgerald, he was Dennis Green's ballboy in Minnesota. This will help Josh McCown a lot. Is he a starting quarterback? We'll see. But Green seems to believe in him and that means something. McCown went to Sam Houston St., but he has a lot of physical tools that other small school guys do not have. The Giants are now on the clock. Sal Palantonio is saying the Giants and Chargers are discussing a Rivers for Manning deal between the Giants and Chargers. I would do this in one second if I were the Chargers, but they may just be idiots out there.
Jim says
Raiders take Gallery: Good pick, if they keep it. Lincoln Kennedy will be gone, they will move Barry Sims to the Right. Gallery is a monster, he is more of a mauler than Ogden, but less than Boselli. He will start in Oakland (or wherever he goes) for 15 years, barring injury of course. Left Tackles have done well in the draft lately, other than of course, Tony Mandarich. But you have to go back that far to see a tackle taken that high that was a bust. Aaron Gibson was, but he was taken in the late first round, as was Marc Columbo from the Bears, who has been hurt almost his whole career.
Jim says
Another TV note. Iron Chef America: Bobby Flay will face Sakai in the first match. Sakai is the Iron Chef French from the original show, Flay has multiple shows on the Food network. The ingredient is live Trout. Sakai has never lost a battle involving fish.
Jim says
Unless there is a deal in place, as people were saying earlier, where Phillip Rivers would be taken at 4 by the Giants and then traded to San Diego. By the way, I do feel bad for how Eli looks up there with nearly everyone in the Paramount Theater booing him. He looks SO INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE. By the way, classy move holding up the jersey, even if it will never be worn. Wow, he just said he wants a trade to happen. This is obviously someone who really, really, doesn't want to be in San Diego. The Raiders are up... The Chargers are idiots if they keep Manning, he doesn't want to be there.
One quick thing. I am not John, this is Jim and I am also here watching the draft with John. John needed to step out to pick up Reese's for Coldstone. So I will blog the first few picks. Don't tell John. I'm sure he will give you his thoughts on them when he returns from Costco. First thing, it is just before the start of the draft and the Chargers still have the first pick, despite Eli Manning's vow to sit out the year and reenter the draft next year. Reports have the Chargers dead-set on keeping the pick at this point and taking Manning. There is way too much testosterone flowing around San Diego right now and they need to take a step back and realize what they would be doing if they took him. I've heard John Clayton saying that they want at least the same as they received for trading the pick that became Mike Vick, because they will lose face if they don't. The last two times this has happened in the NFL, it hasn't worked well for the team that did it. In 1983, Elway said he wouldn't go to Baltimore, and he didn't. They were forced to deal him to Denver. Bo Jackson sat out a year after the Bucs took him, in 1986. He did, he played baseball. Playing Chicken with millions of dollars on the line is INSANE. Deal the pick, get what you can for it, because you lose more face if you have the guy you want sits out so as to no play for you. You get no value from the pick if it is essentially vacated. Please, Chargers, don't do something stupid to show what kind of men you are and how you won't be pushed around. Stop before it is too late. Back away, slowly, slowly.
John says:
With the #1 Pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, The San Diego Chargers select Eli Manning.
DRAFT DAY SPECIAL!
If you thought my posts about baseball or hockey were boring, you're going to HATE today. I'm planning on posting my thoughts about the NFL Draft as it happens. Sound boring do you? Skip today.
Speaking of football, Pat Tillman, safety for the Arizona Cardinals, was killed in a 'fire fight' in Afghanistan yesterday. I realize that it happens over there, and we shouldn't make his story more heroic than the others who are doing the fighting for us... but Pat Tillman DID give up millions, MILLIONS, to enter the Army. To fight for what he thought was right... and that is heroic. God bless the Tillman family.
Having said all that, I can't believe what the Cardinals are doing in his honor. They are naming the plaza surrounding the new stadium being built the "Pat Tillman Freedom Plaza". That's a very nice gesture... but let's think about the word in there that doesn't belong: freedom. Last time I checked, America's freedom didn't rest on what happens in Afghanistan. Plus, I hate to say it, but who gives a shit if people in Afghanistan are free? I'm sure you idealists out there care, but I don't. I'm not willing to sacrifice my friends so that people in Afghanistan can vote. Did anyone see what happened in OUR last election? Maybe the voting process doesn't work... maybe we should fix it before sacrificing our men...
>sigh< I'm going to go back to worrying about football... 100 yards where things make sense and are as fair as humans can make them. Speaking of which... do I remember my only tennis partner whose name just happens to be the same as a former Green Bay Packers' receiver? Um... yeah Rob Brooks... I do remember. What a weirdo!

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Happy Earth Day!
Happy Earth Day everyone. In the "Albion is fun" file, did you see the large half-whale on the quad? What's up with that? Some Eco Club member Dana Sauter said that the whale is intended as a "humorous" reminder to the campus of everyone's ability to care for the environment. Hmm... nothing says "humorous" to me like half of a beached/dead whale with a "Keep our water clean" sign coming out of its ass. That's really funny, huh? Mayhaps the creator of this stunt is taking funny lessons. Or maybe it's not funny at all, but one of those things you say when you're offending people, so that those people don't get upset that you're offending them. "I was just being funny" you say... when in fact you were placing your political views on a platter and cramming the whole thing down someone's throat. Sound like I've done it before? Of course... what are you reading? Right.
So Andrea and I, in light of my recent "break-down"... and the fact that I've got over 40 hours this week, have decided to start giving me Thursdays off. I think/hope this is as regular as we agreed it would be. Today was my first of these days off. What'd I do? Well... stupidly enough, I was so excited to get today off that I couldn't get to sleep until 4 last night. How lame am I? I was literally that excited! Plus it's getting really hot in my building and it probably isn't safe (as far as my health) for me to leave the windows open yet. I mean, the cold draft is not going to help me get better... so I'm hot instead. Sweet, huh?
After being awake until 4, I was only able to sleep in until 10... I couldn't sleep longer. That's okay, I guess. I had a nice breakfast and spent a while watching Family Guy Season 2 (such a good show!). Then I went to the bank and deposited some checks... and paid some bills... and did stupid stuff that I SHOULD have time to do during the week, but I actually don't have time to do. This afternoon I started writing a satire, too. I'm kind of excited by the idea of it, and it's not due until next Monday... but I still have the parody which I have yet to start. Then I took a nap like a big loser in the middle of the day. The fun part about that is that no one called... >contented sigh< No one called me when I was trying to nap... do you know how great that is? You can't possibly imagine how wonderful it is to be able to sleep during the day without people calling (unless you can). Don't get me wrong... I love it when you all call. That's not who I'm talking about... I would wake up for any of you... especially if your name was Chelsea/y in any of its spellings.
Then I was all excited to watch the Wings game tonight! I finally was able to sit and watch the whole game... for the first time this playoff season... and what happened? The Wings lost like little bitches. I am NOT a Cujo fan. I think he sucks hardcore... because of this video >holds up tape< that I found of him. Wanna know what bothers me? The whole Home/Road uniform "thing". I (ME) was actually used to the weirdness that is the NHL's "home whites" and I don't like the new "away whites" thing that the NHL did this year. I liked the fact that the Wings wore red on the road and white at home, because I think the Wings' red sweaters are kind of ugly. Yes... you can know a lot about sports and still talk about the aestetics of the sweaters/jerseys. Whatever... stupid Wings lost and I'm done with that.
But, at least on the "new things can be cool" side of new things, I just got a Gmail account. Am I going to tell you what the address is? No! I'm not sure what I'm going to use it for yet... but it'll probably be porn. I mean porn. I mean porn. >eyes shift back and forth< I'm the coolest ever! And my Gmail account is pretty cool too. I'm not sure if it's available to everyone yet or not... it was available to me because Blogger and Google have a kind of "thing" going on or whatever... you could call it an affair, but they resent that. :)

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

What a fun day to call me!
I'll eventually post something about this... but there's a "thing" at work and it's stressing everyone out... and something unpleasant needs to be done... and I really don't want to talk about it yet (until it's resolved)... but it's not fun. I'll let you know, I'm sure.
Today was the day people with "S"s called. I got a call from my Susan (I'm not sure I can call her that anymore, but screw that Adam guy... and if you do, let me know how so that I can do it too). Right... so Susan called while I was at work, but I was about to leave anyway so she and I chatted while I stood out in the back 'alley' and watched the rain. It was SO GREAT to hear her voice and her LAUGH! again. If I had an infinite amount of money, I'd go visit them in LA... and I would make Colleen sick more often (because I apparently gave her mah sickness... which, if it was true, would make me insanely happy as it would mean that we exchanged some kind of fluid [that's gross]). Also, at the end of my day, Mr. John Sellers called! He and I talked for a bit and caught up on all of our "limbo" state decisions. It was good... it was very good. It's amazing that, even though we're half a continent away, we still have the same kind of problems and decisions... the only difference being that his involve New York and mine involve ice cream.
Today, on my way back from work today, I ran into Amy. Amy used to work at Coldstone and then she just basically flaked out and stopped showing up and having work as a priority. So we did the "hi... how have you been?" thing which I wasn't really all that interested in, to be honest. And then, sort of out of the blue, Amy asks for my number. And, again being honest, I was so shocked that a female wanted my number that I gave it to her. Now I have to worry about when she calls and what am I going to do about it and all that stupid stuff. Maybe I should just give in and hang out with her, as I have no friends and it never hurts to hang out with people your own age. Who knows what's going to happen there... but I'll be sure to let you know :)
Then I went to class... and boy howdy was I rusty. It did not go well (in my opinion). We started with our "homework"... um... what? Yeah... they had homework last week, which no one remembered to tell me. Apparently the homework was to pick a character (or person) that you know and answer questions from the rest of the class in character. Don't tell Alex Carroll... but I was Alex Carroll. I actually did pretty well for not having the week that everyone else had to prepare.
Yeah... that was pretty much my day. I'm looking forward to waking up early and going to learn all sorts of fun stuff about sanitation! Hooray!!! Goodnight everybody

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Disappointment
Like most movies of its kind, Identity kept my interest until the very end... when I realized how stupid the plot really was. >sigh< And then the "twist" at the end which was fairly predictable. I don't know why I love those kind of movies... all kinds of thrillers that border on mystery or horror. The Ring was the exact same thing... I loved it, until the end when I realized how stupid the whole movie was. What the hell is up with those movies? >sigh< I shouldn't have stayed up until 2 watching it... I know that much.
oh well... at least I'm going to improv class tonight for the first time in three weeks. I'm looking forward to it... if I wasn't coughing so much *cough*.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Haling sewage and other fun work-related things!
Yesterday the basement of Coldstone flooded. Yeah... that's right... flooded. Fortunately for me, it was all cleaned up by today. Unfortunately for me, it had been 'wet-vacced' into a crate. Maybe crate isn't the right word... but it's a big plastic container of some kind. Okay? Geez! Anyway... there's this big plastic container filled with sewage water and crappy stuff like that... and it smelled BAD. Imagine the worse smell you've ever smelled... then stick it in a poorly ventilated room, and leave it there overnight. It. Smelled. Bad. But someone's got to take care of it. And that someone's me, I guess. But Andrea said she'd help... so she and I poured the container into a plastic tub (that was easier to carry)... and I carried it from the basement to the back alley. Oddly enough, in the back alley there are no drains. Where does the sewage water go? Um... who knows? Andrea told me to look away, and I did in my typical subservient way. I turned back around after a few seconds and she was standing next to me and she said "Oops... it fell over". And, by God she was right... the bucket magically fell over in some dude's unpaved driveway. Weird, huh? That totally made me laugh, too. It was funny. Guess you had to be there... anyway, we had to go back downstairs to get the rest of the sludge. We did... and the rest of it was heavier than the first part of it... so we both had to carry it together. As disgusting as all this sounds, it was actually pretty funny... in a "there's liquid feces on me" kind of way. We then took turns bleaching the floor... which tasted pretty bad (kidding... it tasted good!).

There's a Christmas tree in the alley behind the store which has been there since sometime in January. I may have even posted about it... lemme check. Yep... check out Sunday, January 18 "Dude, Where's my car indeed!". I wrote a haiku about the tree. Wanna hear it? (of course you do)... cue 'Kung Fu: The Legend Continues' music!
Christmas Tree... A Haiku:
Pine tree in alley
Solitary and beaten
Frozen in its roots

Andrea was slightly disturbed... but I thought it was cool. She told me to sit and meditate on the tree until I realized how I was that tree. This was an exercise in... um... something. I'm not sure what. So I sat and meditated. We ended up differing as to why I was the tree... but it actually predicated an interesting conversation. The short version is that she's worried because I haven't been happy since she's known me... and that's almost half a year, which is really long time to not be happy. But we talked about a few things and it was a pretty good conversation, if hard for me to hear (as it was insightful and from a fairly objective observer).
So after all that, Andrea and I left Coldstone at the same time (which is a more and more often occurrence... we both get to a point where nothing else can be done, so we leave [that makes sense]). Andrea was contemplating where to go eat dinner tonight and she said something about thai food and I said "I love Thai" because I really like spicy foods (and I DO like Thai). She said "Oh I know this great place" and I was all "oh neat... I don't know any Thai places" and she was all "oh it's on your way to your apartment" so we went. The place was called Garlic and Chili Thai and it's in this really weird looking place on LaSalle that looks like someplace you shouldn't go. But I got the Chicken Curry Noodles and it was tres good. We had a nice meal and she even paid... how great is that? It's like being useless and letting someone else pay. Oh... that's exactly what it is.
Called Mommy and Daddy! Hooray! That was good and well-needed. And now Identity is on HBO and I'm too tired to watch it all (as it's 12:45... don't let the post time fool you)... so I'm taping it. Well worth the $8.95 per month I pay for this stupid channel. Have a crazy night :)

Sunday, April 18, 2004

God I'm not doing anything...
I was looking around the Onion website, and I happened upon a page dedicated to talking about comic strips. The page to which I refer is here... and it's importance follows this word: If you were to scroll all the way down the page, you'll find a review of the cartoon "Frazz" by Jef Mallett. Okay... why do I care? You're all asking. Fine... here we go: Jef Mallett is the son of my former elementary school music teacher, Gordon Mallett. This is Gordon Mallett of the Ford with "Gord" on the back fame. Pretty neat, huh? Looks like someone from Big Rapids might actually do something with their life. But, then again, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Plus... who knew that Aragorn, son of Arathorn was in G.I. Jane? Weird, huh?
1,000 Visitors plus My Level C Show!
Hey all! I finally reached the one thousand mark... but no one came forward to claim the prize... so I guess I'll keep my car.
I also wanted everyone to know that my Level C show here at The Second City Training Center is coming up: Sunday, May 16th, 2004 at 11:30 AM (that's Central time!) on the Second City Mainstage. Yeah... that's right... it's really that early in the morning, and it's really on the Mainstage. Neato, huh? You're damn right! (that's as enthusiastic as I'll get)

In other news... I still feel terrible. I've been sleeping on and off all day. Something really terrible happened at the store last night... and I'm not sure I can talk about it until we've figured out what exactly happened... but it's going to be a stressful few days until everything is figured out.
Nothing to say almost always equals a long post
Yeah... I've really got nothing to say besides the fact that I'm grossly ill. I spent most of the morning sleeping... and have basically been lounging around my apartment all day. I don't understand this... but having gone to bed at midnight, I woke myself up at 7. It's like even when I have the time to sleep... I don't let myself. But at 7 I said "Screw you, me!" and went back to sleep.
I hate the NFL Draft commercials. You're either going to watch the draft or you're not... no one is going to be persuaded by a freakin' commercial... I'm sorry!
Wow... I really don't have anything to say. I've got a script to write for tomorrow... it's a parady (which I realize that I'm really good at, because of my anal retentive attention to detail), but I'm not really coming up with any ideas. Well... I kind of am, but I feel too tired to do anything about it. I would really like to just lie down and watch sports and nap all day. Which, for the most part, is what I've done. But I don't have the luxery/time to do that. I have had a few ideas float through my head though... whatever.
It's gotten to the point where I'm wondering why I'm spending $240 every 8 weeks on my writing class if I'm not going to put the $240 worth of effort into it. I mean... I might as well just write on my own until I'm ready and able to put forth the effort. Improv is different because all I have to do is show up... but I need to put forth some effort in my writing class; and I'm not. I'm just not...

Saturday, April 17, 2004

I feel like poop *cough*
Cake Fiasco! Andrea let me sleep in until around 1:30 after the long night last night. But she called and asked if I'd come to the store and work on some of the cake stuff. Do you remember one month ago when I spent an entire day learning how to make these damn cakes? Well... it was hard to remember everything... plus we were both so tired... plus I don't feel well. So, basically, we didn't get a whole lot done. We didn't get anything done, really. We just spent a long time talking about everything we would need to effectively do this program. We did go across the street to this sandwich place for lunch/dinner... that was fun. It's a good place, I think it's called Fresh Choice or something like that. But basically we ate and then gave up. Cakes suck.
But, while I was in the store, Andrea was playing the Euphonics CD. Yeah... the Euphonics finally got some play in the store. While it was playing, some dude asked me where he could get a copy... so I gave him the website. He runs a Jazz club somewhere in the city and he was really interested in the group. I told him that they're still performing... and hopefully he'll try to contact them. Hooray!
Anyway... Greg and Jonathan called me and I ended up spending most of the night at Moody playing HalfLife. That's right... HalfLife. Jonathan is very good and jumping around and hitting people with crowbars. That's funny. I. Sucked. A. Lot. I got shot... and hit... and arrowed... and shot some more. It was lots of fun... but I'm really tired. And I feel pretty crappy. Hope you're having a good night :P

Friday, April 16, 2004

The Coldstone Slumber Party!
My post time wouldn't lie... it's really this early. It's 5:30 AM and I just got back from work. I'll write more when I'm not so f--king tired... but some highlights:
Randi called... yay!
Going to have a visitor on Saturday... yay!
Worked this afternoon from 2-6... then watched the Wings game... then came back to work at 9. 9-5! But the wrong 9 and the wrong 5 >_<
Abby gets crazy!
Andrea and I arm wrestle
I make ice cream for 6 hours!
I'm really tired... hope everyone has a great morning...

Thursday, April 15, 2004

I wish I could take credit for this... but it actually came to me as a forwarded email from my MOTHER of all people. Check it out!

WORDS WOMEN USE

******************************

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not! Faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
COMING SOON
Illinois Restaurant Association Sanitation Class
Kelly, the militant looking Wisconsinite who is probably about ten years older than I, but still, somehow, less mature
Ms. Wong, the Danger Zone, Incorrectly using the word 'Therefore' (and pronouncing it "Darefo"), and all the diseases I'm learning about... and how Baldwin food is probably less safe than you think it is (like you needed another reason not to eat there >_< )

PLUS: Rapidly approaching 1000 Visitors... CrazyJohn gives away prizes!

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

CrazyJohn the Superstar: Or half a song makes me the coolest!
Well... contrary to what I hoped to believe, my surprise was somehow half let out of the bag. Yeah... that's right... I went to Albion yesterday with Jimmy Shy to check out the Euphonics concert. I didn't want people to know that I was going to be in Albion because I'm a bastard like that... but the best part of the surprise was for later in the night. I'll get to it, but first...
Jim and I showed up around 5 or 5:30 Eastern Standard Time. He had the supreme honor to watch me order inventory from the road (that should be read with sarcasm). But I'm sure he found it interesting to see how much fun I get to have weekly in my phone conversations with Karen, the Sysco lady. Anyway... Jim and I got to Albion and almost instantly ran into Andy Groggel (perhaps it's because I drove up on the sidewalk a la Alex and Tony). I haven't seen him in like a year... how crappy is that? (Hint: very) We then ran into my son... whom I love and miss. We didn't see him long enough... he's always busy, just like his daddy. Jim and I then went and got food and headed back to the Kellogg Center. Upon arrival we ran into Chew, who now has a girlfriend who I remember trying to hit on once or twice (whoops! Hey... I hit on everyone equally at least). Speaking of hit on, allow me a brief digression to hit on my two favorite Chelsea/ys.
Chelsea, my muse: For those of you who don't know... I owe all (ALL) of my comedic inspiration to a solitary source: Miss Chelsea Sadler. I know it might be difficult to understand, as I was way funny before I even met Chelsea... but this previous statement is a lie, as I was not funny in the least before meeting Chelsea. She inspires me to be way cool so that really hot chicks like her might dig me... that is her gift. She also likes to ask me questions about myself and how my insane brain works. This is a total turn on. Know why? Because I find nothing sexier than... talking about myself. You know, when it comes right down to it, I'm probably just looking for someone who will let me watch myself make love to her, like Christian Bale from American Psycho except with less attractive stomach muscles and more pastry eating during coitus. (I can never tell if I've gone too far when I write) Miss Chelsea has a boyfriend who I could probably beat up, although I wouldn't want to because he's a great guy. Such is life... there always seems to be a hottie dating some dude whose ass you could kick if not for your conscious. But there are also hotties who date guys who could kick YOUR ass, and this brings me to...
Chelsey, my guilty pleasure: Yeah yeah yeah... I know I talked about having a secret (except now you know it) crush on Miss Chelsey Wagemaker... but let me tell you all something else: She's got a boyfriend who could kill me to death. He could probably do it with his newfound hair (which is actually a good look for him). Kill. Me. To. Death. I should just back away right? Right? Well... Chelsey's got red hair. And you know me and the red hair (and it's curly too). Plus! all I have to do is look at her a certain way and she blushes. And you know me and girls who blush (if you don't... I like girls who blush). PLUS! She lives in Grand Rapids. Why is that important since I'm in Chicago? I don't know... I'm just saying it's cool... and that I could pick her up on the way to see my folks so that they can meet her and we can get hitched as soon as possible, because I couldn't imagine being without someone as fantastically wonderful as Miss Chelsey Wagemaker. And she's hot. Don't forget that she's way hot. And I'm shallow. Don't forget that I'm way shallow. Good... we're all on the same page (page 273!). Let me get back to the concert...
The Euphonics concert was very well done. Very well done indeed. I really don't want to get into my feelings about it right now because I plan on writing an email to Mr. Mike Bohne to either read to the group or to post in the shared folder or something. And I hate being redundant... so maybe I'll just post the letter I send him once I'm done with it.
And now... here it is. So I've been talking to Bohne and Maggie for a while about coming to the concert to do "Sexual Healing". And, very recently, I learned it was going to be the encore. Then, even more recently I learned how they wanted to do the encore. You see... the Euphonics started the song without me on stage. I then entered (in as gratuitously dramatic a fashion possible) right before my part. What really got me at that point was the crowd's reaction. I honestly couldn't even hear myself 'rap' until about halfway through my first verse. Once I could hear myself I said to myself "I sound really high... that kinda sounds like shit... hmm..." I'm not looking forward to hearing myself on the CD (they're making a CD)... but I am WAY interested in hearing the crowd. It was so surreal that I kind of couldn't enjoy it while it happened... it all happened so fast. The song was over before I even felt like I was warmed up. I think I'm ready to go do it again ^_^
But what an ego boost!... a sorely needed one as well. As much as my cocky ass needs swift kicks in the balls... I'm kind of sick of getting it once or twice a week. Constructive criticism is good... it's how we get better at things; but I really needed to just go out and do something and not have someone tell me how it could have been better. So it was really really great to be able to be on stage and just have people tell me that I did a good job.
Speaking of which... slight sidenote: I ran into Doug Gohring at Albion. He's an art teacher there... and I've never taken one of his classes. I don't know if Sellers took any of his classes... I honestly don't know anyone who took a class from him. BUT after almost every major theatre roll I had and every Euphonics concert he would come up to me and tell me how great he thought I did and how talented he thought I was and how much he enjoyed the performance. Oddly enough, if you kiss my ass, I WILL remember you. So when he said something like "I'm not sure you remember who I am", and I say "Doug Gohring, right?", he said something like "Incredible".
And now I'll turn the sidenote into main text: I can't tell you how many people I hugged last night. It was insane. I hugged a few people I'm not even sure I knew. I hugged a few people I know I didn't know. And I hugged a few people that this court order >holds up paper< told me to stay 150 yards from. It was just a weird experience... but it was nice to feel like a 'celebrity' again. Like I told Andrea... in Albion I am someone, as opposed to the feces on the street I am in Chicago.
>sigh< It was very nice to be treated like someone who means something again... and it was so wonderful to be on stage again, after almost a full year... What can I say? It was worth losing all the sleep and having to drive 7-7:30 hours in one day. And now I'm really tired... goodnight :P

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

And then there were three: A writing level 2 story
I went to my writing class tonight with my new scene. How did it go? As well as the other scenes went (hint: not very well). I don't know... it just seems like I'm not very good at this whole writing thing. I mean... really... honestly... I'm not very good. The more I write... the more I realize that I'm not very good at it. All my characters are basically the same... or they're two dimensional; All my jokes are lame puns or crude toilet humor; and all my ideas are trite or boring. I don't know where all my good ideas went... or maybe they just seemed funnier because Susan is such a good audience. I'm not sure... but, either way, I'm struggling. I don't know how much more I can take before I have to quit. I mean, at the end of level 3 I'll have to submit a piece of my writing. If it's good enough to get me passed level 3, maybe I'll stick with the writing. If it's not, I think I'm done. So there you have it... I've got one more semester for sure in my writing class.
What does that mean? Well... let's think about it. If the writing class falls through, by the end of July I'll only be in one class at Second City. And, by the end of July Coldstone is going to be a shitty place to work... and I won't know anyone because all the Moody kids are leaving for the summer, so it'll just be me and Andrea and a rotating crew of hundreds. Wow... Chicago's starting to look pretty crappy at that point. My lease is up the end of September... I might be looking for a new place to live come September. I've actually been thinking about this... Canada's a great place to live. And there's a Second City in Toronto. If I wanted to continue doing Improv, maybe Toronto would be a place for me to check out. At the very least... I'd really like to head to Toronto just to see what the Second City facility is like there. Yeah... no... I've been thinking about it. I don't think I could stand another four years of idiocy that would be Bush's second term... I would have to move, just to keep my head from exploding.
Granted, those two things seem to conflict. I'm saying I wouldn't want to stay in Chicago if the Second City doesn't work out, yet I'm willing to go to Toronto to try to do more in the Second City. That doesn't make sense... does it? Well... it's at least an idea. And it's a better idea than moving back in with my parents. Could I get a job at Albion? Yes... yes I could... and it doesn't matter what I'd be doing, PTM would create a position for me. Hell... let's face it kiddies, I could sell a man his OWN car... I can sell that f--king school. Granted I'll never be important enough to have my name plastered on a building (*cough* Randi *cough*)... but people will buy into whatever I'm selling because they'll buy me. One of the freshmen there remembers me from the Euphonics' Sears Tower gig, and I don't want to take all the credit (that would be WAY too egotistical even for ME), but there's certainly a reason why she remembers me.
What am I saying? Well... basically... that I have no job skills and I really need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself so that I don't have to go back to selling drugs and body parts out of a van. >sigh< I'm really tired... goodnight folks.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Start off good, get progressively worse = Easter
Adam Traum (from class and from work) invited me to his apartment to have Easter dinner. His mom was up from Florida, and she was preparing an Easter Ham and scalloped potatoes... so Adam had me a three other people over (Chip, Dave, and Liza respectively). And, even though it wasn't my house... with my parents... like every other Easter in my life (yeah... I was thinking about it and I've been home with my parents or relatives), it was still really good to be a part of something on Easter. And Adam's friends are pretty cool, too. Even his mom was cool... in a mom way.
But then I had to go to work... which started off well enough. The Big Boss Man showed up and wanted to know how to do "start of day" on the computers; so I showed him. It's always nice when the owner wants to know how to do something and you actually know how to do it... it makes you look smart, or at least competent. Then the Big Boss Lady showed up... she had her mother drop her off (apparently she had been up at her mother's place, just north of Chicago, for Easter). Well... there was an argument between Andrea and her dad about opening on Easter. It had been on-going, but finally came to a head at her mom's place this morning. Andrea said that if she was going to make her employees work on Easter, then she was going to be there with them... and her mom (apparently) cried because there was going to be no one to eat her Easter dinner... and her dad stormed out (I didn't get the full reason why). So when he showed up at the store before opening... it was probably out of guilt. But he left before Andrea got there. She took me out back and wondered if she should stay or go back with her mom... and I asked her what had changed since she made the "make my employees work, I'm going to be there too" thing. That, apparently, was all she needed to make her decision. Unfortunately... it was also the only thing I needed to make me feel guilty for her being there all day. Especially when she told me that her mom had cried. >sigh< So much guilt... I must still be a Catholic.
So I started to feel kind of crappy. We needed ice cream made, but we also needed to clean the blast freezer... and I had just made 8 boxes of ice cream yesterday, so I really wasn't into doing that again. Plus... Cherise comes in on Mondays to make ice cream... so I would be doing her job for her a day early. How crappy is that? I don't know... anyway, I felt all crappy and I was trying to find something to do because I wanted to stay there as long as I was making Andrea stay there. She and I spent some time talking about what we needed to get the cakes done. Then I tried to fix the registers (the void keys don't work... so if someone makes a mistake when they punch something in, they have to get really creative about how to fix it)... but I couldn't figure out how to make the software downstairs on the computer fix the void key on the register upstairs... and I started feeling pretty useless. And I started getting depressed... like really depressed... like the old John used to get depressed... and Andrea was all "what's wrong?" and I couldn't really point my finger to something that was 'wrong'... it just got really shitty to be in my head... so I pretty much blew it off as me being "fine". But I know that I had soaked in Andrea's bad mood from when she arrived and made it my own. As I get older, I'm realizing just how much I really empathize with people... which is good for them, but shitty for me (case in point: today). I felt guilty and crappy about that... and pretty useless in general, so I decided to leave. On my way out, I started talking to Abby about what to do should the credit card machine stop working... and Abby was like "are you okay?"... and I blew that off too.
And I'm going to grab something to eat... and go to sleep... because I'm hungry and tired in that order. Happy Easter everyone...
Easter Eve and what was not (but should have been) my first concussion!
Hooray! Nate called me this morning. He's facing a tough decision... and I listened as he explained it from every angle. Then I forced him to talk sports... and, to even it out, forced him to talk laundry. Heehee... that's even.
And then... I worked all day, hooray! I went to work at 2 (right when the Wings' game started) and started making ice cream. And I didn't stop making ice cream until 10 (an hour before close). I made 8 cases... that's 16 bladders... that's 32 pans of ice cream... and that was literally the rest of my day. Even though there were four trainees and Adam Traum, the night still went pretty smoothly. Andrea was totally impressed by the crew we had working and how quickly and efficiently they worked together. She even sprung for us all to get pizza (I know) and she bought me a turkey sandwich from a deli just so I'd have something to eat (as I was there from 2-10 sans food). So I'm really tired... but everything went all right.
Back to the title... when I first got to work I took out the garbage (like I do). As I was putting some cardboard boxes in the dumpster I dropped one on the ground (seems like something that would happen). As I stood up, my head hit the dumpster HARD... and I mean woozy "I think I'm going to fall over" hard. So I semi-stumbled back into the store and I asked Cherise if I was bleeding... and she was like "Oh God"... so I spent the next twenty minutes or so trying to stop the bleeding so I could get back to work. Here's a tip: Cutting your head is bloody: don't cut your head. The End.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Happy freakin' Easter
My parents have come and gone... too soon. I took them to the food court area in Water Tower Place for lunch. I got the largest burger in the history of killed and cooked meat. We went to Lou Malnati's on Thursday night... and were forced to wait over an hour for our pizza (as someone in the back dropped the first one when it came out). The manager came and told us that the pizza was on her... so the appetizer and the drinks were only a little over $10. Not bad for a night out with the folks. I was going to take them to see a Second City show, but unfortunately both the mainstage and the etc were sold out. But, fortunately enough for us, the pizza took so long we wouldn't have been able to head to the show even if we did have tickets.
Nothing says "Happy morning" like a bloody nose. I woke up, sat up, and blood started pouring from my nose. It was then and there I decided to throw my cocaine stash in the garbage (which I later fished out). Friday went too quickly as well... we went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch. My mom spent a good portion of the meal studying the kinds of cheesecake on the menu... and commenting as to what she thought I would like (even after I had decided on the White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle). We then walked to the AMC theatre down on Illinois (you know the one) because we were going to watch a movie. But they didn't have anything we wanted to see... so I said "How about we check out the IMAX on the Navy Pier?" And we did. But, again, nothing to be seen. So I showed my mom the Irish Import shop where my sister and I had gotten her Christmas Present... and that was pretty much that. We took the "Free" Trolley from Navy Pier... where I met a 1 year old John Paul. Shit... He's going to be a ladykiller with a name like that. We then walked to... well... my mom and dad checked out Nordstroms and I went into the Virgin Megastore to kill some time. I bought the third season of the Family Guy (love that show) and the Pink Panther DVD Collection that just came out... and then we headed back to their hotel. It was at this point when I started to be so tired that I could barely stay awake. I also (somehow) hurt my left foot in Vegas... and all the walking that we did made it worse. Add to that and the tiredness... the fact that it is a Friday night in Chicago and we can't eat meat... and thinking about where to take my parents for dinner was hellish. What we ended up doing was going to the grocery store (my mom had been 'keen' on getting me groceries ever since she got here) and getting some tomato soup and bread and cheese and my mom made us grilled cheese and soup. It was good in that it reminded me of home, but I really hate tomato soup. Trade-offs abound! We ended up watching one of the Pink Panther movies and calling it an early night. I still doubt that I'll be able to get to bed early... that has not been easy as of late. I'm having trouble getting to sleep... and when I do, I'm having weird "school" dreams (which is weird in and of itself, because [as anyone who knows me knows] I don't normally remember my dreams). Stupid nighttime... that's when all the thinking happens. Goodnight...

Friday, April 09, 2004

Answer: Condoleezza Rice.
Who is a lying ho-bag, Alex?

A good friend of mine told me that I should post more... so here I go.
Everyone seems to be getting sick. If you see Miss Laura Jeannine Kraly walking the street, wish her well. She apparently has come down with mononucleosis. That really sucks. And, Laura? If you've ever wanted revenge on me for any of the horrible things I've done, might I suggest making out with me. This will give me mono and punish me bigtime >squee!<. Oh yes... a terrible lesson would be learned by me.

Okay... now onto the title of this piece. No, I didn't watch the 9-11 Commision's questioning of Dr. Rice (Note: her title should be read with sarcasm, thank you)... but I did watch the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, so I've got a pretty good handle on what's going on (you can insert your own sarcasm here). In her statement, Dr. Rice said, and I quote "Almost all of the reports focused on al-Qaida activities outside the United States, especially in the Middle East and North Africa. In fact, the information that was specific enough to be actionable referred to terrorist operations overseas. More often, it was frustratingly vague." That quote is taken directly from the statement she made today from the National Commission On Terrorist Attacks in the United States website. However... when asked the name of a specific briefing (PDB) of the President on August 6th, 2001 (I believe is the date), she responded (and I'm paraphrasing until I can find her quote), "al-Qaida plan to directly attack the United States". Hmm... Dr. Rice had, like any politician, weaseled her way out of answering most of the questions in a direct manner... then came out and told the truth flat out. She turns on her politics later when she says "The PDB does not say the United States is going to be attacked. It says bin Laden would like to attack the United States. I don't think you, frankly, had to have that report to know that bin Laden would like to attack the United States." (That taken from the transcript of the Hearing from the First Coast News website [an ABC and NBC news group out of Jacksonville, FL]). Hey... found the title that she said (thanks again to the First Coast News website), and I quote this time "I believe the title was, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States." Ta Da!

In other political news, Rodney King (of the LA beating/Riots fame) is headed to prison. He was apparently under the influence of some PCP when he smashed his SUV into a pole after reaching speeds of over 100 miles per hour. (This taken from the San Jose Mercury News website) Now, I'll probably catch some slack for this... but lost in the shuffle of his beating by the LA Police was the fact that he did something to warrant being pulled over. And, apparently, he didn't learn anything from his run-in with LAPD. Now this is the very reason why The Laramie Project is such a brilliant play... because one of the characters (or maybe a few... I wasn't paying attention) talks about Matthew Shepard and says that maybe he did something to deserve what came to him. Far be it from me to say anyone deserves a beating of any kind... but let's not make a Saint or martyr out of this man, either. Mr. King needs to set his priorities, and perhaps use the gift/curse that is his fame for the greater good of his community: Lean on the police to have higher standards of when/how to use force; let people know of their rights; and help bring a sense of unity to his community. I mean, if he endorsed a program to unite the police with the honest citizens of his community... everyone would go for it. Or maybe I'm being too idealistic because I just spent some time on the phone with someone who makes me that way. Either way.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

IN PROGRESS...

The Trip: Sweet Home Chicago
If you didn't hear the sarcasm in the title, perhaps you should turn up your speakers.
A trip overview... >sigh< and back to work I go.
Wednesday: Subway/L fun! Nothing says fun like carrying all kinds of electronic equipment with you on the subway (yes... Chicago has a subway... it's basically the L, but underground). My flight was fun... as I got to sit next to a cocksucking bastard the whole time (he didn't even make eye contact, didn't want to say hello). "Yay!" Airport fun! When Ken picked me up, I made sure to make it as embarrassing as possible for him. I succeeded. Best Buy fun! I got Super Smash Brothers for Gamecube... and the first season of Chapelle's Show on DVD. Wow... it's almost like I have money to spend! The rest of the night was spent shooting at various things. Mmhmm.
Thursday: April Fool's day is my Mommy's birthday, so it has historically been a big joke on her. I guess this year's joke was that I was on the other side of the country. April Fools, Mom. Thursday was the most disjointed day of my vacation. We had been up late the night before, but Ken had to work that night, so there was just a few hours between waking up and him going to work for us to do anything. To be honest, we really didn't do much of anything Thursday... I just remember that I didn't take off my pjs all day. This used to be the height of my vacationing as a young lad: If I could spend the whole day without taking off my pjs then I was, without a doubt, on vacation. It's a rule. So I'm glad we didn't go anywhere so that I could feel on vacation. Solid.
Friday: Friday started with "Hi Honey, I'm home". What a bastard that Ken is... but it was alright. He and I spent many an hour playing Super Smash Bros and Rogue Squadron III before he finally turned in to go to bed about 11 AM. Then he slept most of the afternoon (I took a nap too). We then went to the Hard Rock Cafe and then saw Hellboy at the Palms. Yeah... even the movie theatres are in Casinos in Vegas. But I enjoyed the movie... it was good for a comic book movie... and there were some really funny parts and some (dare I say it) cute writing.
Saturday: We decided to go to the Virgin Megastore inside the Caesar's Palace. I bought the first full season of SpongeBob on DVD. Oh... John Sellers! I miss my John Sellers... I would kill a man to get my John Sellers back. We then went to the Luxor... where we overheard a man saying "We're in the Luxor. How did we get to the Luxor?" That man was drunk. Anypoopers... we then went and saw the Imax movie "Adrenaline Rush: The Science of Risk" and I was able to call dibbs on this cute chick from some other state (anyone in Vegas is from somewhere else, no one lives there... seriously). It was my first IMAX movie and I was totally impressed by the gratuitous size of the screen and by the excessive speakers. What a wonderful thing the IMAX theatre is!
Sunday: This weekend was an Old Navy sale! Sale? At Old Navy? Half-gay men to the rescue! Coldstone... Applebees...
Monday: Two words... Hoover Dam... LOTR:ROTK Gamecube game...
Tuesday: Red Lobster... Second City... DOAX...
Wednesday: Walmart... Football... Flight...

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Daylight Savings Time OR Who took an hour from my vacation?
Totally what I just said! Someone took an hour from my vacation and put it later in the year. Stupid stuff! Stupid stupid Ben Franklin. >shrug< Whatever.
Hey... did you know that Las Vegas is in the Pacific Time Zone? Well it is... so that makes me in a much different time than what I'm used to. Add to that the fact that I'm losing an hour tonight (where'd it go?) and my biological clock is all messed up. Messed up in that it's ticking, telling me to get pregnant. That makes no sense... but you all saw it coming: so who's the freak now? Hmm? I guess that makes you as crazy as I... which is tough. I'm crazy professionally.

Friday, April 02, 2004

I know that what happens here stays here... but this is different
I am witnessing a very rare phenomenon in Las Vegas: Rain. It's been drizzling all day... ever since sometime last night, actually. You should see it... the grass knows that it doesn't get a lot of this and so it's so GREEN. It's like every plant is just in pure ecstasy. I kind of felt bad, actually, for bringing crappy weather with me from Chicago... but Ken doesn't seem to mind. It's almost like he likes the "damp" weather.
So... how are you? That's fantastic. Why am I posting on vacation, you ask? Well... the breadwinner is sleeping after a "hard days night" (stupid Beatles) and I'm just chillin out waiting for him to wake up... looking at the rare Vegas rain... and currently listening to a constant dance beat from somewhere below us. Gah... it's got to suck to have to sleep during the day. Everyone doesn't respect the noise level during the day... and most of the stores and restaurants are closed when you have time to eat or shop. >Shakes head< Nope... couldn't do it for a living. It would be fun for a while, being able to drive around without most people on the road... hanging out in all night dinners and covorting with strippers... but even stripping has to get old after a while. Wait... maybe it doesn't... anyone back at Albion want to let me know if stripping becomes tiresome? (Get it? Cuz you're all strippers and whores? No one gets my jokes)
Happens here, stays here
I would love to tell you what I'm doing in Las Vegas, but I can't. Let's just say that the greeters who welcomed me right off the plane were very particular about not letting anyone know what goes on in this city.
I can say that it's nice to get out of my city and go someplace else for a while (even if it IS a different city)... and, despite his best efforts, Ken is having a good time too ^_^
I can also say that Andrea is now officially a Euphonics fan. She wanted me to make her a copy of the CD (which I had played in the store) and asked me to do my part in "Sexual Healing" before I left for Vegas. I didn't, of course, because I'm part of an ensemble... and the whole is far greater than the sum of our parts. (Translation: I'm a shitty soloist... don't even attempt make me do it, cuz I won't)
I hope everyone is having a great April so far... and say Happy Birthday to my mother, if you get the chance... her birthday was yesterday (Thursday) and she's a fantastic lady whom I love very much. So say Happy Birthday the next time you see her.
I hope everyone's April goes better than everyone's March. Take care all