Not necessarily why I am perfect for Coldstone, but why (at least for now) Coldstone is perfect for me-
Yeah... so I'm not sure if I'm what Coldstone is looking for in an employee... as I'm "stupid" about everything ever... but this is why Coldstone is perfect for me: It's fun! It's exciting to be able to deal with new people all the time... there's good variety in what I'm doing because every customer is a new opportunity. And there's such a great atmosphere in the store that I was (get this) wearing a Santa Hat the whole time I worked. I mean, it's just a great atmosphere, everyone's in a good mood... and, yeah, they got me singing Christmas songs. I know! No one who REALLY knows me would be able to believe the mood I can be in while at work. It's great... just the kind of thing someone who hates everything (me) needs. Hooray!
Ok... I'm tired as piss (which is really tired), so I'm going to bed... hope you all had a crazy Saturday :)

OUCH!
I did something to my back while I was at home in BR... and it's been hurting every night since. It doesn't hurt during the day, but after sleeping, my back wakes me up in the morning... and it hurts so much that it hurts to breathe. I have no idea what's up with that, but ouch!
Another thing is that all the chemicals we use at Coldstone to make sure the store is sanitized have really started hurting my hands. I have a couple cuts on my hands... and they are just KILLING me! Open wound + chemicals = OUCH!

Thanks for listening to me bitch like a woman (yeah... I said like a woman... what're you going to do about it?). But, the silver lining is that for the first time in MONTHS I feel crappy physically, but pretty good emotionally and mentally. Who knew?

I do feel a bit crappy about not being with my family right now... but I AM finally making money... so I'm pretty even. AND I got a letter from my Susan! So I'm planning on writing her back as soon as I feel like I have time. Hooray!!!

Food and phone for me!

CrazyJohn... My first night closing at Coldstone-
Yeah... so... when I worked as a computer tech at Ferris State University closing consisted of making sure that the computers were off. That was easy... closing an ice cream store = NOT EASY. Every inch of that store is cleaned AND sanitized... and it seems like I learned how to do all of it tonight (except for the cleaning of the actual stone).
It's really weird how much effort goes into making sure that place is ready to be opened the next day. But I did make almost $7 in tips tonight... and I was just serving people ice cream... so that's cool.
And I worked with three new people: Steven, Greg, and Abby. All three of them seemed really nice and interesting and it was a good night... I'm just really REALLY tired. So I'm going to bed... goodnight all :)
PS Two things you wouldn't expect: 1.) I worked with so many chemicals tonight cleaning the store that my hands are all chapped and weird; 2.) All I want, after working in that place for about 6 hours tonight, is a big f--koff steak. I mean, it's weird, but being surrounded by so many sweets, you really just want a slab of meat... ya know? Of course you don't, because I'm weird. That's fair enough...

You want crazy... I'll give you crazy
Did anyone see the Packers/Lions game? Of course you did... everyone in the fucking country saw that game. First of all... let me preface this by saying that I'm very happy for my friend Nate... who is a die-hard Lions fan and who roots for them every week... normally being disappointed or near suicidal by the end of Sunday.
Having said that... the Detroit Lions fans (on average... and in general) are the WORST Fans in professional sports. They don't give two shits about their team every week of the year... but, come Thanksgiving time, yeah... everybody's a fucking Lions fan. Did you see how packed Ford Field was? Was it to see the Lions? Not really... it was because it's Thanksgiving... and it's a fucking tradition to watch the Lions on Thanksgiving. Oh, well... since it's tradition... that doesn't make you a fair-weather bitch.
And did you see all the Lions "fans" leaving the stadium with almost a minute left in the game? That's not a fan... that's someone who doesn't want to be inconvenienced by the post-game traffic.
So... to those Lions "fans" who don't root for the Lions more than one day of the year... FUCK YOU!
Congratulations to the Lions players... who actually TRIED for once... imagine what would happen if you tried every week, huh? Wow... good for you.
By the way... for those of you people (because I know you're out there) who CAN'T BELIEVE the terrible Lions won this game, let me educate you (because you're ignorant). Detroit is now 11-5-1 on Thanksgiving against the Packers... Detroit also has a winning record overall on Thanksgiving versus all teams. The current "crappy" Lions only really try one week a year... Thanksgiving. The game is a home game... it's the only game the Lions will be on national television all year so it's their only chance to shine on a national stage... and ANYONE who knows football, knows that these things MEAN something.
I've been watching Packers/Lions games for about 14 or fifteen years now... and if there's one thing I KNOW is that the stupid Lions will find some way to win THIS GAME... Thanksgiving, at home, versus my Packers.
That's all I've got to say about this. I probably won't post anything else until I'm back in Chicago tomorrow >frown<... and it'll probably be after work, and I work until close tomorrow night >cries<.

Hope you're all having a better Thanksgiving than I am... as that is, now, not a very difficult thing. Christ... nothing in my fucking life is going right...

A VERY CRAZY THANKSGIVING
Hey kiddies... it's Thanksgiving and that means it's a time for family, a time for food, and a time for reflection on what makes our lives so great. I originally had a list of the top five things for which I am thankful (yeah grammar!)... but that is really not in the spirit of "thanking"... so I'm just going to list things.
I'm thankful for my car... and I didn't really notice HOW thankful I am for my car, until I left Chicago. My car gives me freedom... to just pack up and leave if I need to, or to go wherever I want. I love my car... and I try to take care of it as best I can... and it takes care of me, because I feel safe and comfortable when I'm driving. I give thanks for my car... hooray!
I'm thankful for my friends... even though I never feel like I'm talking to them as often as I'd like, I love my friends. My friends keep me sane, give me support, and help me push myself to do fun and exciting things :) I give thanks for all of my friends... I love them all.
I'm thankful for my mom... even though there is no one on this planet who could drive me as nuts as my mother, she always has my best interests in mind. She's willing to listen, or to give advice (more often to give advice)... and she does the dirty work that needs to be done (laundry, cooking, cleaning) for so many years and I am so grateful for all her hard work. She is a wonderful person and I love her... I give thanks for my mother... hooray!
I'm thankful for my sister... she is fun, thoughtful, and always just wants me to be happy. Through her life, and her efforts, she's made me one of the most sensitive men that I know... she's always making me think about other people's feelings and making me understand where other people may be coming from. She's been invaulable to my development growing up... and she and I will continue to be close until we die. I give thanks to my sister... whom I love with all my heart... mmwah to you, Karen!
I'm thankful for my dad... who has taught me how to be a man, how to be a loving father, how to stand up for what is right, how to always work hard in what you do, how to push myself to be better, how to laugh, and how to believe in myself. He is my hero... and I am so thankful for him. I give thanks to my father.

I think that's as cheesy as I'm going to get for a whole long time... I may rant about the Packers/Lions game... if it keeps going the way it has been going (AHH!!!!). Have turkey!

It's easy to know that you're back in Big Rapids when you look outside at night and see four deer casually strolling up your drive-way. Yeah... about that....
Anyway... here's a little something I wrote on the way to Grand Rapids. I was thinking about stuff... whatever... you'll hear it all.

CrazyJohn on Philosophical Ideology from Andre 3000-
Listening to "Hey ya" off the album "The Love Below" and a certain line struck me (ow! my kidney!). Not that kind of struck. The particular line in question goes a little something like this: "If what they say is 'Nothing lasts forever', than what makes love the exception?"
First of all, I think it is pretty obviously true that nothing lasts forever (sans love... which I'll get to in a moment). Think about anything with a beginning... and, I know it's trite because the Matrix Revolutions used the line about a billion times until you felt it was boring into your skull, but everything with a beginning does indeed have an end. Honestly, think of anything tangible... and it will have an ending... it won't last forever.
Sidenote... while I was thinking about this I came up with a really neato way to remember the difference between tangible and intangible: "Brick on table" = tangible relationship... two objects and you can visualize exactly how they relate to each other; "I love you" = intangible relationship... two objects without a clearly defined relationship... are they related? romantically involved? best of friends? who knows? Anyway... I just thought "Brick on table" was a neat idea... I'm a dork... back to our show :)
Do I believe that love can last forever? Yes... because I've seen it (storytime!). I saw my mother's parents love each other until they day that my grandmother died... then I watched the love for her waste my grandfather away until he died just shy of a year after she had passed away.
Even though it was hard to watch for that one year, it showed me how eternal "true love" can be. And it showed me that two people really can love each other completely, fully, truly, until the day they die. And what a gift it was for me to be able to see that kind of love... it's a rare rare thing... and I'm not going to forget it.
So what does make love the exception to the "nothing lasts forever" rule? I think it has to do with the constant (or at least regular) renewal of that love... Finding out again and again why you fell in love with this person in the first place... finding new things and new reasons to love this person. I think it only works when it's a regular or constant process.
I think a lot of couples fall into a complacency about each other... and their love for each other... after a while it's like "yeah... there's John... I love him" but you don't even really remember why. Things become stagnant... and there's no feeling of doing new things anymore... you're just there and so is he or she and you love each other and that's how it is. And I'll be the first to admit that I've fallen under this trap a time or two... but I'd like to think that I'm better than that now. And, I am trying... I've been trying to let certain ladies know when I'm reminded of their beauty, I say they're beautiful... or I remind them of how intelligent I think they are, or how capable, or just how wonderful... and I'm working on reminding myself and then saying it out loud to them so that they know how I feel about them.
So I guess... I believe in a love that will be able to last forever, because I've seen it happen. And I hope that it will happen to me, but I understand that practically it doesn't happen to everyone. But, I guess, on some level, "true love" is one of the few things I still really believe in... because I've seen it.
Ok... I think I'm getting sappy and emotional... I'm going to go... but look for a list of things for which I am thankful coming tomorrow! Have a Crazy Thanksgiving everyone :)

What I did on my Thanksgiving Vacation: By CrazyJohn
Today I went to Grand Rapids with my mom and sister and shopped pretty much all day. I really needed clothes for work, so that was the "main purpose" of the trip, I guess you could say. But I had forgotten how much fun shopping for stuff with my sister can be! She's really a blast... and I value her opinions... and she makes it fun for me (because me buying clothing is not fun for anybody... "I could have SWORN I was this size before... why is it so much smaller now?" >whimper<).
And, when we returned, we ate dinner and watched a couple episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy... as a family! Even my dad seemed to be laughing a lot at the quirky humor of the show. It was great!
Ya wanna know what wasn't great??? All the things in the mall that reminded me of previous girlfriends. It was like a sadistic, shopping "this is your life"... and it just made me all sad. Oh well... a girl's gotta shop for knee-high boots, sweaters with the little ball thingys, perfumes, hand creams, and sweaters (did I already mention that? sorry)... and it's not their fault they own things! People own things... it's what they do... it's just weird to see other people wearing things or smelling like other people that you used to be so close to. I don't know... maybe I'm just being overly-sensitive because I'm that kind of guy even though I pretend not to be. But, today was as hard as it was fun... and it was a lot of fun. I have a wonderful sister who I wouldn't trade for the world (but I might sell her) (just kidding) (well... give me an offer >wink<).

CrazyJohn: The Movie
Ok... so I was thinking, in light of my travels to see Miss Courtney McKay Hancock this afternoon, that if my life was a movie than this time of my life would be the beginning of the sequel. And, furthermore, if this was the sequel than the past half a year of my life would be a few lines of exposition in the beginning of the movie.
I mean, I guess that's true for all of us recent graduates... if the first movie was our senior year of college (which is always a good time of your life to have a movie about yourself), then this sequel would start off with all of us given a few expository lines about what we've been doing for six months (yeah... we graduated six months ago). I was also thinking that, of all my friends, Sellers' life would be the most interesting/movie worthy. And that sucks... because I can't even be the lead character in a movie about my friends and me. I play a supporting role in my own imaginary movie!!! What is THAT? Come on, me! Geez!!!
I also always thought my high school experiences would have made a good movie... but that would have definately been about me, as I was the most interesting person in the whole city of Big Rapids by that point. By interesting, I mean insane... and that's a tough crown to hold on to in this town.
For the most part, my college experieces also would make an interesting movie... but no one likes to see nice guys win... so my movie would have to focus on my senior year... and the resulting summer/present. But, then again, a movie about my friends would be way more interesting... and it would culminate in our graduation. (Sidenote: Alex Carroll would make one of the most interesting supporting characters in cinema history if he was in a movie about me... but, then again, so would Jim [particularly with the angle that he's dating my sister]).
Who would star in a movie about my life? Me... there's no one in Hollywood who can do me better than me. But that dude from Malcolm in the Middle would play Sellers (you know, Frankie Muniz)... and I'll have to work on casting beyond that... but that's a pretty good fit, if I do say so myself. And, oddly enough, Kirsten Dunst would play Karen in a movie about college AND Amie if the movie was about high school. This is also weird because I hate Kirsten Dunst. Ooo! And Hayden Christenson would play Alex Carroll (unless Alex wanted to do it, but that's besides the point)... except I'd have to say "Hayden... less brooding... Alex is nice" and Hayden would say "Uh ooga bugga booga" since I think he's got the intelligence of a grapefruit.
Crap... I have to go pick up my car (getting my oil changed)... I'll speculate about this more later :)

CrazyJohn on praising some real talent-
Well… I seem to be snowed in to Big Rapids. I heard there was a forty car pile-up in Grand Rapids, and a few people died as a result of accidents in a couple counties up near Big Rapids. >sigh< So, I thought I would let you all know the reason why I wanted to go to Albion so badly as to brave the conditions.
Before I graduated from Albion, I had the pleasure of working with a young director with a ton of talent. And I don’t even think her age is a detriment to her directing… I actually think it’s a compliment, that she can be this good, this young. I think there are few directors who know a play as completely as she does… she always seemed prepared, but was always willing to work on something else if the actor needed/wanted to. She always listened to the actor's feedback, always pushed the actors to be the best they could be, and did what was best for the production... She is one of the best directors I have ever worked with, and one of the few people for whom I would drop everything to work with. I can honestly say that she can have my services as an actor whenever she wants them, for as long as she wants them. I am speaking, of course, about Miss Amy Lewis, who is directing the Workshop Theatre production, "No Exit," this December 4-6. If you are in the Albion area the first weekend of December, go see what will be a fantastic show.
Here's a link to get more information about the show. And break a leg to all the actors, and the wonderful director :)

This should REALLY come as a surprise to no one.


Congratulations, you are Donnie Darko. You have
the power to time-travel, among other cool
things. And hey, don't worry about that whole
burning-down-the-smarmy-guy's-house thing:
after all, he IS the antichrist!


Which Odd-Yet-Strangely-Humourous Movie Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I wrote this (for the most part) yesterday... and here it is.

CrazyJohn on going home again-
There is no way for me to articulate how good it feels to be able to go home again. While in Chicago, I came to the realization that my entire life (now) is contained within a square mile… groceries, work, and class all within one mile of my apartment. And, driving back home yesterday… I realized how good it felt to be covering more ground than a mile. I realized on the drive how closterphobic I really felt in the city. I find it weird to say that going back home has made me feel freer than living on my own… but that’s really how I feel. I have more freedom with my car and living in my parent’s house than I do living on my own in a city where you can’t drive or park anywhere. That makes sense, doesn’t it? Screw you… it totally makes sense.
The downside of being home… my parents are on a weird South Beach “meat good, bread bad” Atkins-like diet. So, even though I’ve only been here for a day, I’m looking to run to a gas station or Meijer’s or something and get myself some muthaf—kin brownies. And I find it weird to be here talking about watching bread intake, when people have been eating bread ever since there were people around to make bread. I mean… it’s bread! BREAD!!! How can it be bad for you when people have been eating it for centuries? It’s f—king weird… Diets are weird. I say, if you want to lose weight, start exercising. It works… so poop on dieting.
Also… the big TV in our “TV room” has been having problems with the cable… it’s hard to explain, but it’s like it’s shorting out or something (I don’t know how to explain it). But my dad’s just like “yeah… it does that sometimes” but he doesn’t want to do anything about it… what is that? That drives me nuts.
Speaking of driving me nuts… I had forgotten how stupid the cable internet is here. As I sit here… it’s saying to me “hey… I really don’t feel like working. What’re you going to do about it?” and I’m saying “I can’t do anything because I’m in Bumblefuck Rapids.”

I will soon post something about being home... but here's something I typed up while watching football with my dad today (man, it's been so long! And it's like watching football with me... which is the best thing ever! If you haven't tried it, you should!)

Top Five Football Players That I Hate-
[Dishonorable Mention: Ray Lewis and Sebastian Janikowski. Ray Lewis is irritating, but I like the Madden commercials he did with the Rookies (they made me laugh). And Janikowski is pretty much a useless fat Pollack (but, isn’t that redundant? Ahh ha ha haaa…. Take that the Polish!)… plus, he’s way too much trouble for a kicker… I mean, come on!]
5.) Keyshawn Johnson… I go back and forth on Keyshawn: at some times I respect him because he’s one of the better blocking Wide Receivers in the league AND he’s willing to go over the middle, which a lot of your “pro bowl” wide receivers aren’t willing to do; but at other times I just shake my head at someone who seems to be one of the most-selfish, least team-oriented players in the league. This whole deactivation thing has really solidified him on this list. I felt bad for him when I heard about it… “What is Tampa Bay doing?” kind of thing… but hearing him interviewed about the deactivation all I can think is “what a bitch!”… because he is a bitch.
4.) Tommy Maddox… Yes, I hate him and the hatred started in the XFL when Maddox was the only MVP that the league has ever had. If anyone watched that league (like I did) then you’ll know how irritating Tommy Maddox was. He was yelling at teammates and just generally being a bitch. Oddly enough, this mood has transcended from the XFL to the Steelers.
3.) Randy Moss… a few years ago, when Moss just came in the league, he would have been the number one player on this list. But, I do feel that Moss has mellowed out a bit which is why he’s down to number three. However, anyone who has seen Randy Moss on the field knows that he’s not only a very talented natural athlete, but also one of the whiniest players ever. He takes plays off, he doesn’t block well (if at all), he doesn’t necessarily try to work hard all the time… and he’s a bitch.
2.) Terrell Owens… Terrell Owens is a bitch, he is. There’s nothing else, really, to say about it. He doesn’t respect other teams, other players, or even his coaches. He shows no respect and deserves no respect. And he’s a big bitch.
1.) Warren Sapp… This is all you need to know: Last year, he injured Packers Tackle Chad Clifton on a cheap (but legal) block. Clifton’s career AND ability to WALK AGAIN was in question because of the severity of the injury. Clifton spent a month and a half to two months in his house after the injury on his back, unable to walk or stand. Warren Sapp had ample time to apologize or even contact Clifton to inquire as to his progress… he did neither. Warren Sapp is not only an asshole, but he’s an insensitive person, and he deserves neither respect nor praise nor the Super Bowl ring on his fat finger. Anyone who would root for Tampa Bay, roots for Warren Sapp, and roots AGAINST me (this includes last year’s Super Bowl… but I’m not naming names and, besides, I’ve already bashed the Polish once in this post)!

CrazyJohn on the second First day of work (what?... I mean, yay!)-
First of all... hooray for work again!
My work day started by accidentally walking in on a guy changing his shirt in the bathroom (awkward? yes, thank you). But it was a different new guy, Sam. Sam had already had his one day "intro" (see my post yesterday) so he and I were able to go right into making samples. We made ice cream with fruit, brownies, and all sorts of "mix-ins." He and I basically were stuck making the smallest size ("like it"... and I don't like the names of things there)... so I'm really good at handling small things (insert your own penis joke here). So Sam and I were doing our stupid things... making samples... whatever... and we got kind of busy. So busy, in fact, that Sam and I started taking customers too. So I was able to handle at least a dozen customers today.... hooray for me!!! (PS Do I need to tell you to get the damn brownies??? The look SO GOOD!)
Anyway... Sam seems cool. He goes to the Moody Bible Institute and is from Washington state... and it was really neat to be all "stupid" about everything with someone else. And, like I said, he seems like a cool kid (I say kid as he just turned 19 yesterday). Anyway... I won't work again until next Friday. I'll be home this weekend (maybe Albion too) and home for Thanksgiving!!! There's shopping to be done for work clothes :) If I don't post again... I hope you all have crazy Thanksgivings!!! Hooray for Thanksgiving... I'm tres thankful this year... even in English I'll still be thankful.

CrazyJohn on the first day of work (yay! Work!!!)-
First of all: Hooray for work!
Ok... let talk "stuff." I got to ColdStone twenty minutes early, so I didn't go in (as it was before opening and the door was locked)... so I went to The Second City Training Center and emailed someone from my cell phone (such a neato feature). And, after I felt as though I had wasted enough time, I went to work and knocked on the window. Hannah, a co-worker (I HAVE COWORKERS AGAIN!!! HOORAY!), opened the door for me. I watched her and Andrea, my manager, prepare the store for opening. The night before the store had it's mandatory "pest spraying" so it was a lot more work to open the store than normal... or so I'm told. Then Andrea took me to the office downstairs and had me fill in some paperwork... I asked her how she and her father came to own a Coldstone and I got the whole story. She asked a bit about me, but I got the impression that she really didn't care enough at this point to really listen. Whatever. Her dad, Jim Johnson, was a stockbroker and had his own firm on the Chicago exchange... so he's really the entrepreneur in this film. Andrea says that he's planning on opening/managing ten (10!!!!!!!!) Coldstones in Chicago. So, as I get to know Jim and Andrea, I can't help but feel a little poopy that they might be taking care of other stores... Andrea said even by this summer. >pout<
So we spent a bit of time chatting... and then I got the tour. I saw where they make ice cream (almost every day... but it is always made right at the store), I saw where we make the brownies (again... made fresh right in the store... so get the brownies!), I saw where the ice cream, ice cream cakes, and "mix-ins" are refrigerated and stored. And then we tackled the stone... the cold stone itself! And Andrea asked if I wanted something... so I said "ok"... and she told me to "pull it" myself (you "pull" ice cream at Coldstone... it's not "scooped", it's "pulled"). So she asked me to make myself a Coldstone Original... so I picked "Apple Pie A La Cold Stone" as the first thing I ever made at Coldstone (that'll probably be a Trivial Pursuit question some day). So I pulled a small size (6 oz... the "like it" size or something, I don't know the names of the sizes)... Andrea said it was a little small, so I added some more Sweet Cream Ice Cream. Then I added Apple Pie filling, graham cracker crust, and cinnamon (which was a disaster! It's in a shaker and I was like >shake< and it was like >dump< so I said "well... that's way too much, good for me")... then I did the little fold thing, added some caramel, and did the foldy thing again. Then I scraped it off the stone, half-ass dumped it into a cup (Andrea said "We'll have to work on putting it into the cups"), and then starting digging in. And that, my lovely children, was two hours worth of work.... Andrea didn't want to overload me, and I felt a bit saturated as it was... the Coldstone originals are key because they're popular, and I'm going to have to memorize them all... and right now there seems to be a million of them! And pulling ice cream is SO HARD! It's way harder than it looks! There are all sorts of "regulations" on how you hold those spades... and she was all "think of this as a tennis ball, this as a juicy orange, and this as a grapefruit" and I was thinking "aren't tennis balls and oranges the same size?"... but I didn't say it.
Oh... and Court... I don't get all the free ice cream I want, but I DO get $5 worth of ice cream every day if I want (or drinks). So I could have some ice cream whenever I work, if I wanted to. But, honestly, I was still so nervous while I was at work that I didn't enjoy the ice cream that I made myself. Eventually that won't be the case, I'm sure... but I can't imagine eating ice cream every day that I work there.... I'd be the size of... well... me! And that's like two of you! (and I'm almost as annoying as two of you would be... but, damn, that would be annoying).
In good news, I'm not going to need to work over Thanksgiving, so I'll be able to go home this weekend, spend the week at home with my family (yay!!!)... but I'll be back in Chicago Friday afternoon for work (probably). But, that doesn't really matter to me, I want to go home so bad that I wouldn't mind just being there for one day.
Also, in different news, I may head to Albion sometime this weekend to see my girl Amy's play. She was my director, and she's damn good at it, and I really want to support her... it's just unfortunate that I won't be able to see it when it actually performs. But I'm trying to do what I can to still support my girls... even if I have to, you know, have casual sex with them for hours. Right... I'm glad we're on the same page there.
Anyway... I rented Tony Hawk's Underground so that I can make myself digitally cool... because I'm not cool otherwise. No, yes, that is true. There is also a Red Wings game on tonight on ESPN2... so tonight will be neato keen Resty McRestsalot. I'm working tomorrow too, so I might actually try to spend some time memorizing some of the Originals (I got a menu).
Right... basically I'm going to study ice cream. Yes... I take this seriously. Seriously... I'm good... when I put my mind to something... I'm good (hint: I may be talking about intercourse here). Hope you have a crazy night :)

CrazyJohn on Snoop in True Crime:Streets of LA-
Ok... so I finally figured out how to play as Snoop in True Crime: Streets of LA. You have to select his face from the main mission menu... and you don't get to play as him during the normal missions, you get one hour to solve as many "street crimes" as you can... and then I guess you're graded on how well you did (oh yeah... and you don't get to die and come back like in the normal game... "when you die, you're dead" to quote Jimmie's Chicken Shack).
But... listening to Snoops' voice say things like "now why would you want to mess with a crazy nigga like me?" and "It's good to be the D-O-Double G" is totally worth not being able to play as him during the normal missions. When you shoot someone for no reason, he's like "must be that itchy trigga finga"... and when you're about to start a fight he's like "I'm gonna make you scream like yo mamma did last night". HILARIOUS! HOW can anyone not LOVE Snoop??? Answer!!!!!
Oh yeah... and don't worry, Snoop's eyes aren't really open in the character map... just like in real life. What a great twist adding him was to this game! (oh... and it's not a very long game, either... I've already beaten it... and I've only had it for four days... sorry to burst anyone's bubble!) I'm going to go beat people up as the D-O-Double G... later :P

CrazyJohn on Dia de Gracias-
Which is what the Ruben Salazar Bilingual Education Center calls Thanksgiving. I think it's kind of sad that we, as a hemisphere, need to set aside a day to remember to be thankful for all sorts of great things... I wish we could all remember to be thankful for things all the time, but alas... that doesn't seem to be the way we were built. But it's something to "work on", I suppose.
Currently, I'm thankful that the lead singer for Evanescence is so eerily hot. I mean, she's kind of creepy in a goth way... but she's way hot. And they're going on tour in Japan the beginning of next year... weird.
I'm also thankful for my wonderful friends, who really care about all my weird and pathetic neurotic episodes. And who have continued to support me during this difficult time...
>sniffle<

On a completely unrelated note... I was wondering today which sport would make the best hockey players (I mean, besides hockey). I think football players would make the best hockey players... or even baseball players, as they have been built for short bursts of speed, but I doubt baseball players have the endurance. Who would make the best football teams? Without a doubt it's hockey players... they're built for impact and believe in team play. Basketball players wouldn't make good hockey or football players, as they are sleek and built for jumping. Who would make the best basketball players? I actually think that soccer players would, as they have the endurance to run up and down the court and they also do quite a bit of jumping... football players are too stocky and they can't jump (except for Wide Receivers and the occational Tight End from the University of California... who's name is Tony Gonzalez... because he played basketball in college... yeah...). No, seriously, this is what I spend time thinking about... stupid shit like this. Being a philosophy major in college didn't make my thoughts any deeper than the normal idiot male... sorry to disappoint.
I also spend time thinking... how are the lead singer from All American Rejects' eyes so damn blue? Is that fake? They certainly show enough close ups of his face for it to not be fake. And, how can someone with such beautiful eyes consider himself a "reject"? What a poser! It would be like Alex Carroll being in a band called "The Fat Virgins" (my "Sex on a Stick" side-project). What? Don't know about Sex on a Stick? My offense-rock band? Well... Sex on a Stick is my offense-rock band... we sing songs about women being inferior, white people being the root of all problems in the world, and killing babys as a way to not only solve world over-population but also world hunger. Mmm... offense-rock...
Anyway... I've got lots of stuff to do to make sure I'm ready to work tomorrow (WORK TOMORROW! HOORAY!!!).... so I'm out. Hope you're all having a crazy day :)

CrazyJohn on the greatest Second City Improv game I've ever played!!!-
I would not lie to you kiddies, you know that... and this is what I did tonight. We played a game called: Symphony of Rants. Everyone in the circle picks one thing to rant about and then the instructor starts and stops us, gives us crescendos and decrescendos... and near the end we're all ranting at the same time. At one time, he crescendoed me until I was seriously the loudest one in the group... and I think I may have scared a person or two. I can be loud... as my neighbors from Burns know >wink<.
Ok... that was gross, even for me. But what a great game... I never felt more comfortable in that class. Hooray for me! "I'm not crazy, the tv's crazy! Aren't you tv???" Simpsons... hooray... I'm going to finish watching the tape of the new Queer Eye... have a crazy night :)

P.S. Some impatient bastard wants his "bathroom attendant training" skit... Well MB (standing for iMpatient Bastard), I have never really experienced a place with a bathroom attendant, so I'm still in the "research" phase. Do you want it to be good or do you just want it done? Because I can make it crap... that's no problem. Making it good takes effort and research... so poop on you! Hope you're having a great week too... say hello to the little lady for me, in a CRAZY way :)

CrazyJohn on... employment (finally)-
That's right.... I actually got the job I was blabbing about yesterday, and I didn't even have to sleep with the dude's daughter (not that I wouldn't, but I didn't have to). Yeppers... Mr. Jim Johnson called me this morning (waking me up again) to tell me that I had the job and asking if Thursday would be an acceptable day for me to start. Um... yeah! I'm not doing anything, am I? NO! I'm not.
And not even the constant rain of three or four days can dampen my mood! Hooray for employment!!!
Now... here's the best part. I have intentionally not mentioned the establishment of my new employment because I wanted it to be a big surprise to Miss Courtney McKay Hancock... who will be so jealous that she will (hopefully) die. My new place of employment is: Coldstone!!! Hooray for me being better than Courtney! I'll get to be surrounded by ice cream all the time... and will (if it's possible) be even fatter when you next see me. Mmhmm! But, Court, I promise to make you the best Coldstone in the history of the world if you ever come to Chicago... I'll come up with something that's a Court Special! I may even have a clever name for it by then (I'm thinking "James Blonde" might be a good name for something with, say, the Sweet Cream Ice Cream with white chocolate chips and some kind of chopped nut... but I'll have to learn if that's already called something first). And I'll be sure to get the proportions WAY wrong if you ask for a mix of two flavors! Hell... I'll just give you way too much ice cream anyway... it doesn't matter, we give away free samples all the time! I was in the store when some kids came in for samples and water... it was weird... and kind of sad, but whatever floats your boat in this city is, well, buoyant.
I'm still trying to figure out how to celebrate my newfound employment... and am taking suggestions. I'd like to buy something that I don't have the money to buy... but I don't know if I can justify doing that just yet... maybe that's a "first paycheck" kind of thing. If you have any ideas as to how I should celebrate my employment (hooray!) let me know... if not, I'm just going to go back to shooting people in non-vital organs (cuz I'm a good guy, remember?).

CrazyJohn on a title that fits with all this loot-
First of all, let me finish my post from last night. Megan and I went and saw Kill Bill at ICE (Inner-City Entertainment). It was the first time I've ever seen a movie in an "urban" (can I just say primarily black? or will someone be offended?) theatre... and can I say it was a fantastic experience! Stuff was happening on the screen and behind me was "nu uh!" and "look at that girl kick ass" and "he need to grab his shit and go!"... it was great! It was pretty much how I like to watch movies anyway, but with WAY more sass :)
Also, I need to say that Kill Bill is a brilliantly stylized film... and I throughly enjoyed it. The Japanese Anime section to explain Lucy Liu's character's background I think is an interesting and brilliant decision. And, may I add that Lucy Liu is one of the most beautiful women ever... can I add that? She's DAMN hot in this movie... and maboy Quentin has made walking in slow motion with music THE COOLEST thing ever. I would walk in slow mo for Tarantino doing whatever he wanted... I would walk in a chicken costume... because he would make it cool.
Now... let's talk today, shall we? I was awoken by a phone call... a phone call from a Mr. Jim Johnson. He was calling in regards to the application I put in at a particular establishment. He wanted to know if I would be willing to come in for a "talk" (code for interview) later today. So I said I would be available at any time and we agreed on a time.
Then I looked in the mirror... my hair!!! SO LONG!!! I needed a haircut badly. There's one place I know of close to me... with a name too stupid to mention (Hint: It rhymes with "Supercuts"). In this haircutting establishment, I met a woman I will call Eva, as she seemed to be Austrian. Using words like charming, nice, warm, and friendly would not acurately describe Eva... words such as quick, silent, and "hate me" would acurately describe her. But she made my hair shorter... and by shorter, I mean tres sexy. That's right.
So... I went to the aforementioned establishment for my "interview" and I showed up fifteen minutes early. So I had to sit and do nothing and wait for this Jim Johnson guy. So I sat around... and fifteen minutes later he came upstairs from the basement (I'm guessing it's where the office is). He apparently just purchased the store from the previous owners a week ago... which is why he said that no one contacted me earlier. Yeah... so he just bought the place a week ago... and he said that he wants to make the place more fun for the costumers, and he liked that I was taking classes at the Second City... and we had a nice chat... and then I met his daughter, Andrea, who does most of the management, and we talked for a while too. She seems really cool... and she said that I would hear from them soon... like tonight. Which is good... because I need a job. Right.
I'll let you guys know if I hear anything good... right... I'm still not holding my breath... because I would pass out.

CrazyJohn on new things that are good... and old things that are still bad-
So, kiddies, what has your old pal CrazyJohn been up to this weekend? Saturday, I registered for my Improv class for next term... but I was unable to register for my writing class as I have to somehow prove myself to my instructor and be allowed to move on to Level 1. I hope it's a knife fight... because I KNOW I'm good at that.
I also had a couple long talks with my parents Saturday. My dad has been really stressed (as he almost always is... but this week even more so) and has been working almost non-stop all week on his post tenure review. He wanted to know how to copy files onto a rewritable CD... sigh... it's times like that when I wish I was closer so I could just run home and show him how to do it. Granted I'm not THAT far... it's not Kansas or Las Vegas or Los Angeles... but it's far enough to not be practical to come home to explain computer things. I still don't know what to tell them about Thanksgiving... so I'm still saying "I hope to be home!" because I do. But if I don't find a job soon, I won't have any hair left to go gray. Still no word back from anyone... perhaps siting "can seduce young women" as a job skill was not the best move. We'll see.... when they need someone to seduce a young woman into submission, they'll know who to call. >wink<
I had a deep dish pizza for dinner... I swear they are the messiest food in the history of food. But well worth the trillions of calories I'm sure to have consumed.
Ah yes! I also rented "True Crime: Streets of LA" for my XBox. It's a GTA-type game, except you play a cop instead of a criminal. This means a lot of the fun things you WOULD have done as a bad guy, you can't do.... like killing people for no reason, say, or running people over with your car and then taking their money. I DO love the fact that they use actually street maps of LA for the game... so I'm starting to learn a little bit about the streets in Los Angeles. And I know that 10 is a Freeway... and there seems to be only one On Ramp in the entire city... hmm... perhaps the developers didn't do everything right. But the soundtrack is pretty cool... I may actually buy it. And you're supposed to be able to play as Snoop Dogg... if I ever find that cheat (and can perform it) I'll buy this game in a second. I would play as Snoop Dogg constantly... buy me some Snoop records, light up, eat some brownies, and just play the game.... mmm... that's right.
Update: I just found out that all I have to do to play as Snoop Dogg is collect 30 "bones"... which are somewhere in the city. Well... I know what I'll be doing for the next year and a half... or couple of days. Hooray!!!
Anyway... Today I visited my friend Megan on the South Side. We saw a movie, hung out, watched "Queer Eye", it was fun... it was good... it sounds like she works all the time, so it's nice to be able to be someone's vacation. The movie we saw was Kill Bill... and I totally want to talk about that experience... but I'm feeling too tired right now. It's quarter to three here and I think I'm just going to go to bed. Look for my post about the rest of Sunday sometime Monday. Have a crazy night! :)

CrazyJohn and the imminent performances-
Tomorrow (Saturday) I will be registering for my next term of classes at The Second City Training Center. I will be in Beginning Improv Level B and Comedy Writing Level 1 (not the Intro course I'm taking now). So, at my current rate, I'll be in Level C and performing (AHH!!!) Sunday, May 16th, 2004. Then, if all goes well, I'll be performing with my Level D class on Sunday, August 1st, 2004. That's all I know so far. The Level C performance will be a 20 minute demonstration of games and exercises in the mid-morning/early afternoon... and the Level D performance will be a half hour demonstration of (you guessed it) games and exercises and it will be in the late afternoon. It is my guess that the Level E performance will be some time in October 2004... but it will be on a Friday night or Saturday afternoon and it is an hour long graduation showcase. I find it incredible to think that I'll be able to go from our stupid party games to an hour long performance in just a year... but a LOT can happen in a year (as anyone who's ever looked back on the previous year can tell you).

Ok... now that THAT's out of the way... who wants to talk "Attack of the Clones"? Huh? It's on HBO... and I'm watching it, and it's just on this side of terrible. So... I'm going to be a great big super huge dork, so if you don't want to see this side of me, skip this section. One of the GLARING problems, that no one seems to talk about (for some reason) is about Anakin's home planet of Tatooine. Ironically enough, it is also Luke's home planet... and where Obi Wan hides out after the Clone Wars. What's the problem with this, you ask? WELL... Luke is "hidden" from Darth Vader, remember? So we feel the best place to hide Luke is on Darth's home planet... the planet where his mother died... the planet where he slaughtered an entire village??? This is the best place we can think of to hide Luke? Furthermore, Luke is hidden with his uncle, who we see in the second movie that Anakin meets and spends time with. AND... Obi Wan hides out from Darth and the Emperor on Anakin's home planet too... wow Obi Wan... what a great freakin' plan. Hey Lucus... did you just stop thinking? Or were you too busy trying to make these movies match up with the "first" ones that you wanted to have it all tied up in a neato bundle? I've got an idea... why don't we just have everyone from the first trilogy, and we'll put them all in the same room in the third new movie... and it's someone's birthday but no one know's whose birthday it is... and I'm sure that hilarity will ensue. Or Lucus is an idiot. One of those two things is true.

In further, unrelated news... Kung Faux is a funny show. It calls itself Hip-Hop dubbed Kung Foo... and that's what it is. I believe it's Tommy Boy records who has hip-hop artists just dub all sorts of weird stuff over the normal movie. It's a bit like Kung Pow... but that's a super super funny movie... and this is a mildly funny tv show. It is not as funny as Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, which is one of the funniest shows on the tv picture box.

I think I'm going to just keep a'watchin'.... or I'll just keep eating cake. Or I'll watch Halloween 3... which has nothing to do with any of the other Halloween movies... which is SO weird! It's the most useless horror movie in all of the horror movie series... serieses... series's's... I have no idea. Hope you're having a crazy night :)

CrazyJohn on the day after-
Yeah... so I woke up this morning and went into the kitchen and saw a cake... and I was like "what the hell did I do last night?" It's like when you go to sleep while you're still high, and you wake up in the morning and find half eaten cupcakes, orange soda, cheetoes, and all your old action figures lying all over the floor and you're like "what the hell happened... oh yeah... heh".
Having a whole cake to yourself is like buying a bunch of bananas... it sounds like a good idea at the time, and then you have a good three days when you can eat all of them before they get all poopy, so you find yourself eating a banana with every meal and by the time you're done with the bananas you vow never to buy them ever again.
So... who wants spice cake??? All you've gotta do is hop your crippled ass into a car and drive over to Chicago... or I bet you could even ride a horse to Chicago... they may even let you use the express lane.
I feel like staying in tonight... so I may even write a lot more later... but I just wanted everyone to know how weird it is to wake up and be like "cake... what the hell?". Hope you're having a crazy day and doing what I asked you to do last night!!!

CrazyJohn on baking for no reason-
Well kiddies, today was an interesting day. I pretty much did nothing... let me rephrase that, I did absolutely nothing of value today at all. I woke up with a strong urge to write a letter to some people (thanks to some good advice), and so I wrote two letters today and made a list of other people to whom I want to write. It was good to feel like I was writing to someone (whereas this blog is written to no one in particular)... so I enjoyed the letter writing process.
Then I got to talk to my folks for the first time in a few weeks... my dad's been really busy as his post tenure review is up (or something) and he's got to basically explain everything he's been doing for the past few years. It's a highly stressful process, I was around when my mom did it a year or two ago. And my mom's just always busy with work stuff, and my sister's been busy with school stuff too.... but she was HOME tonight! So I got to talk to her too!!! My whole family was on the phone with me, and it was wonderful. I haven't seen my parents in so long... and I can tell that my dad knows how unhappy I am here, so he's being "extra gentle/sensitive" dad... which is great. I feel terrible that I don't know whether or not I'll be able to make it home for Thanksgiving... but I honestly don't know. It will be SO GOOD to be home again... and see them again... and have my mom fuss over me again... and do my laundry for free again... and drive around my stupid little town again... and see Rhea and Jean again and watch stupid stupid horror movies with them while mocking the movie the entire time again... >sigh< I guess I'm just homesick. And I'm sick of walking all the time. I mean, I'm sure it's "good for me" or whatever, but I really enjoy having a car and being able to drive places. But there's no where to go here... because you can't park a car anywhere in the city. Whatever... I'm just homesick.
Maybe that's why I baked a cake tonight. I don't even know if I really wanted to eat a cake tonight... but I baked one... I just saw an old box of spice cake mix (Yes, Sellers, it was the same box that we had... for a really long time), but it was vacuum sealed, so why the hell not? So I made a cake... and it's not bad, I mean, it tastes good and everything... but I guess it reminds me of home... and how my mom would make desserts for the hell of it sometimes... and if I had Ken or Jason or Nate over, she would make cookies or brownies or something unnecessarily elaborate and my friends would be like "oh geez, thanks Mrs. Steeno... you really didn't need to" and my mom would be all "I know... here are some napkins" and I would be embarrassed and she would go upstairs and my friends would say "your mom's the coolest" and I would sigh. Hmm... did this happen once or twice do you think? You're a smart one... nothing gets past you >pats on head<
So I've been homesick... and I've also been worried about my girls, all around the country... two of them had shitty nights last night, and I felt bad because I couldn't help. Fortunately, the new day brought good news for one, while the other is still feeling unappreciated by everyone around her. Unappreciated is a bad way to have to feel, especially if you do things for other people to make them (and yourself) feel good. So why don't you all do your ol' pal CrazyJohn a favor kiddies... tomorrow and this whole weekend, when you notice that someone has done something just for you... you tell them that you appreciate not only what they did, but who they are. But don't just go about your business as usual... be looking for things people are doing for you, because chances are that there are things you haven't even noticed. I don't know if there's any worse feeling than doing something special for someone else and having them not even notice that you're putting forth effort. But don't let that discourage you either... making people feel good is the greatest feeling I've ever come across, and I hope to continue to do it for the rest of my life.
Another good feeling is when you eat a hotdog... because damn they're good.
>sigh< I've got a long day ahead of me... so I'm going to hit the hay. I hope you all have crazy dreams and wake up saying "what the hell did I eat before bed to make THAT happen?" or you look down to make sure that your legs aren't actually made of taffy... because if they were >drool< mmm... taffy.
Goodnight :)

Oh... look who's back for more... "tis I, Sir Ronald" (my favorite line from a commercial EVER).
Right... but it's me, that crazy guy who smells your dirty laundry... and I've got something to post. This is a scene that I wrote for my writing class.... it is NOT the thing I said earlier that I've been working on for a while and wanted to post. THAT is a long explaination of my personal views on the soul, afterlife, God, fate, and religion. Look for that later, when I've finished it. I also have had a request for a scene between a bathroom attendant and his apprentice trainie... so look for that soon, too.
And now... I give you: "The Raise" (Don't let me catch any part of this somewhere else... if you rip my stuff off, I have NOTHING better to do than hunt you and your family down and feed you all to pigs)

Jenson
Do you have a minute, sir?

Benson
Oh… sure sure… siddown Johnson, can I call you Johnson?

Jenson
Well, that’s not my name, sir, but I don’t see why…

Benson
(Interrupting)
It’s like I say, Johnson, my door is always open. So… what can I do you for?

Jenson
Well sir, as you know the holidays are coming and it will be my daughter’s first Christmas… and I wanted to make it really special for her…

Benson
Uh huh…

Jenson
And I’ve put in a lot of overtime lately… I even worked on Thanksgiving, if you’ll remember…

Benson
Mmhmm…

Jenson
And my supervisor has really liked my ideas, and he thinks that I’m doing a fantastic job…

Benson
I’m sure he does.

Jenson
You can ask him, if you’d like… he’ll tell you.

Benson
Oh, I’m sure he will.

Jenson
Even with my new family, I’m sure he’ll agree that I have made this company my top priority.

Benson
Can I ask you something Johnson?

Jenson
Yes, sir… of course.

Benson
Are you asking me for a raise?

Jenson
Well… sort of.

Benson
Sort of?

Jenson
It doesn’t have to be permanent… It’s just that I could use a larger Holiday bonus than normal… please, sir.

Benson
(Sigh) Johnson, you know how strapped for cash we are. Our third quarter numbers were terrible… and that’s not to mention this summer’s… ahem… catastrophe.

Jenson
I know, I know… but if you could just consider giving me a little extra this holiday season, I’m sure that you’ll find next year that I will be an invaluable asset to this company and I’ll more than earn this bonus.

Benson
Let me ask you something, Johnson. Were you working the day of the incident this summer?

Jenson
Um… yes sir.

Benson
And why didn’t you stop it?

Jenson
(Pause)
Well sir… (cough) you see… I wasn’t exactly prepared for something like that to happen… so, I was overpowered.

Benson
Ahh… overpowered, I see. And your company issued assault rifle… ?

Jenson
Well, sir, I think he knew Judo, and…

Benson
Judo??! You had a gun and he did not, but he knew Judo… I can see why you were overpowered.

Jenson
He gave me a chop to the back of the neck and I was out cold until it was pretty much over.

Benson
So you were unconscious the whole time?

Jenson
Yes sir.

Benson
When he repositioned the satellite?

Jenson
Yes sir.

Benson
And when he aimed the super laser at its own power source, fired it, and destroyed it?

Jenson
Yes sir.

Benson
And when he was fighting with Doctor Vengeance, a man with whom I have worked for fifteen years who was the godfather to my first born and has been my family’s physician all my children’s lives… you were unconscious when that spy took the taser fortuitously placed next to him when he was knocked down by Doctor Vengeance and he then proceeded to use that taser to electrocute Doctor Vengeance who was unfortunately standing in the water from the fish tank that was broken earlier in the fight?

Jenson
No… well, actually, I did see that. But Doctor Vengeance was doing so well, I mean… he even had the time to completely explain his master plan, and… I… I’m not going to get the raise am I? (Pause) I think I’m just going to go.
(Exit)

Practice, practice, practice...
Well, kiddies, it's been a while, hasn't it? I've been involved in some travel and deep thought recently... so we'll see how much of that ends up here (probably none, as I seem to favor anecdotes about flatulence).
I spent the past weekend in Wisconsin (my favorite state)... saw the new Matrix movie... watched some football... went to Dennys for the first time in months >sigh for missing Albion<... was enticed by XBox games in Target... and saw my girl Karin and the ex-wife with half my stuff. I have to say that there is a highly inappropriate place in the Matrix when I was literally busting my sides trying not to laugh. "We're out of milk"... no one gets it, but it's funny as hell.... trust me.
Unrelated word to the wise: Don't drop your taco. The Taco Bell floor isn't as clean as it looks. 'Nuff said.
And then... I took the lovely Miss Kraly to the greatest location in all of sports... Lambeau Field. It was just as I remembered it... excited, a bit drunk, and passionate. A Lion's fan wouldn't really understand it until they saw it... trust me, I've been to home Lions games.... and it seemed like Laura really enjoyed the game, which is great because she likes to tell me (whenever she can) how dumb football is in comparison with hockey. What she doesn't understand is that football is the "fairest" managed of all professional sports... what with it's hard salary cap, revenue sharing, and quasi-complicated scheduling system. Yeah... in hockey you can have perenial powerhouses... as long as you're willing to put up the money and people are interested in your team (poor Columbus)... but in football, every team has a shot at the playoffs almost every year because of the way the league is structured. So great... and I'm rambling.
Now, the game has been blocked out of my memory... so I don't remember what happened... I think we won by 3,000. Anyway... we somehow found our way back to the highway... and Laura fell asleep on the way back to Madison. This is good... because she didn't see what I saw. I've never been more afraid while driving in my entire life... and I'll tell you why. South of Fond du Lac, WI, we were on a two-lane road with construction. And there was no one else on the road... and it was as foggy as I've ever seen fog (which sort of doesn't make sense)... but I could see the center yellow line... but not far enough to see the white line on the side of the road. That's right. It was terribly foggy... for about twenty minutes... during which I lost all bladder control. But not even my bright neon urine could light my way. Oh well... I died, but at least it was something different.
No word on jobs... improv class size still dwindling, we're down to 7 and only one woman is left. Who knew they would take offense to all the reference to my genitals that goes on during class?
I am looking to post something very long that I've been working on for a while now... look for something really long that you're not going to want to read :) Have a crazy day!

CrazyJohn on traffic-
Yes... that's right. It's about time that I talked about the wonderful phenomena known as "Chicago City Traffic." Whilst driving west towards O'Hare Airport, everyone else in the city said "Hey... let's go west towards O'Hare Airport!"... and so they did. And, when you're in traffic that's actually moving a bit... everyone is thinking the same thing "What the hell is the holdup?" If no cars are moving, you just sit there and take it (also my advice for those going to prison for the first time). So this was the 'cars are still sort of moving' kind of traffic... and the whole time I'm thinking about what could possibly be forcing people to break quickly and make me almost rear-end the person in front of me. So I sit there, go forward... break... swear... repeat. At one point, I saw an Illinois State Trouper had pulled someone over, and I thought that was the holdup... and then the trouper pulled out, followed someone else (while everyone around was breaking like bastards so as not to get a ticket), and then pulled that person over. So I thought that maybe the bastard trouper was the reason why we were going all stupid... but no, it was not. Then, I get to the front of the traffic and... nothing. I start accelerating and I notice that no one is breaking like idiots... and there was just no reason at all. I mean... when you get to the front of the traffic... you want to see something horrible... like a fireball or Keanu Reeves in Hamlet or something... but there was NOTHING. COME ON!!! And I accelerated too much before I realized I was at the front of the traffic to do something about it. You know... you really just want to shift lanes quickly or break for no reason when you get to the head of those traffic jams... but I was unable to do anything fun. >Sigh<

Remind me to rant about the Third Matrix movie sometime... I don't want to "ruin" it for those who haven't seen it.

Things that make me feel good:
1.) Spending over $100 on groceries [it's the city... things are expensive, what?].
2.) Getting a box of Packers stuff from my dad.
3.) Carlos, ma-doorman, calling me "Mr. John"... heehee... oh Carlos!
4.) Getting sappy card from madad with money inside... making me cry [I'm man enough to admit it... it was a sappy card... and it had money... and it felt really good, shut up!]
5.) Hitting on attractive college age women who then point you to a website containing a picture in which they are obscenely close to kissing another attractive college age woman and you see the picture and you almost faint... but you try to play it cool... but really you've fallen to the ground, but your fall has been broken by an engorged feature that you hope never breaks because you really don't want to have to live in New Jersey with the rest of the broken penises.

Things that don't make me feel good:
1.) Friends saying that I've hurt their feelings
2.) Tony, the Hamburger Helper guy, coming up and asking me for money AGAIN... but using the same story, and looking disappointed AGAIN when I didn't have change.
3.) Not having a job, still... and having no one call me back >sigh<
4.) Spending over $100 on groceries

Moron things later...

This is really odd... but I really don't have anything to say. I didn't really have anything to say yesterday either (as if you couldn't tell)... so I'm just going to start typing and maybe I'll stumble upon something that has actually been bothering me... like your face. Ok, I'm kidding... I would totally do you.
First... I think it's about time that I shamelessly plug a couple of sites. The first site has been around a lot longer than my own, and is somewhat (by somewhat, I mean totally) responsible for this little site upon which I rant so frequently. So, check out Laura's Live Journal for a bunch of interesting posts... not updated very regularly, but check it out for all kinds of quizzes... or just if you want to know what's going on with Laura (I'm assuming you know Laura, since you know me).
Also... there's a new blogger on the loose. Yeah... that's right... in yet ANOTHER attempt to be just like me, Mr. John Sellers has his own blog. I know... I can't believe it either... but, anyway, if you want actual wit and creativity instead of the vulgar toilet humor you find on this page, check out Aspiring editorial whores unite! and enjoy :)
Ok, good... now that I've shamelessly plugged my friends... hmm... now what. That totally wasn't even a sentence. Neither was that. I think that was also not an actual sentence... but this is... a sentence... ok...
I still haven't heard from the places to which I applied about my applications... but I'll probably make some calls tomorrow. I would very much like to know whether or not I'm at least going to have an interview by the time I head up to Madison this weekend. BIG Packers Monday Night Football game this Monday!!! Hooray for tickets!!! Hooray for football!!! One of the few things I still think I know about >sigh<. On a related note, Jimmy Shy called me tonight because he needed a quick interview for one of his classes. So he started asking me my opinion on the Chicago Bears and their offense and... man... I don't know... but that felt REALLY GOOD... because I felt like I was finally talking about something I know about, you know? He asked things like "Should Rex Grossman be moved down to the third quarterback?" and "Should the front-office of the Bear's organization get involved in insuring the development of quarterbacks?... as the Bears' last project went so poorly." And these are questions I can answer... this is stuff I can talk about (if you don't remember, Cade McNown was the Bears' last quarterback "project"... former UCLA QB... come on! Cade! Lefty! Don't you remember??? Whatever...), and this is stuff that I feel comfortable and confident talking about. Now... if only I could get someone to pay me for just speaking my mind about football... I'd be a rich and happy man. But, alas, all those jobs are given to white men from the midwest. Wait... OH MY GOD! They're me!!!
No... seriously... that would be great. But that's for another lifetime... if things don't work out here in Chicago... I'll go someplace and try to figure out how to get paid to explain how idiotic John Shoop is... and how I'd do better. We'll see how that works out for me.
By the way... I really need to mention this before I forget (like that'll happen, but I want to put it here and I don't know how to fit it in, so screw it). Last week, I was called "brilliant" by a lovely young lady for quite possibly the first time in my life. Now, I may have been called intelligent, witty, and clever before... but always by people who know me really well, and I have always felt it tainted. You know how people who you know really well can seem a lot more beautiful to you if they have a good heart and are caring and loving and so on? I figured it was the same thing for intelligence... you flatter someone and compliment them the more you know them, the more they mean to you. But this person and I have honestly spent less than a days worth of time together... and her opinion couldn't possibly be "tainted" by other endearing qualities. And so her compliment just really hit me, like "wow... people I don't even really know think this? Maybe I shouldn't write it off so easily." And I was so happy I totally could have kissed her (or done things legal only in certain sections of Puerto Rico)!!! I don't know... I think it's tough when you surround yourself with real smart people all your life. In high school my friends were very intelligent with a variety of interests: Jason = Math & Band/Music (yeah... you can be smart at music, ask Jason or Dave Friday), Nate = Geography & Sports, Ken = Computers & history/military history (yeah... even then)... and they were all very smart and I pretty much did the same things that they were doing and I wasn't better than any of them, so I was never "the smartest." In college, I surrounded myself with absolutely brilliant people... Court = Sciences, Laura = Theatre & Theatre history, Susan and others were better actors, Sellers = English & Vocabulary & Smart-assness (I made it up, but if you know him, you know it's true) and Jim = everything that has ever been thought or said... and, again, these were the things that I was doing, and I again wasn't the best at them. The two things I always thought I was best at in college, I never did... but I came to Chicago to do (comedic improv and comedic writing). Now I'm here, and I see I have a lot to learn... and notice AGAIN that I'm not the best. But this one comment was enough to notice that my quest to be "the best" approaches lunacy. Yes... I am not the best... I will probably never be the best (although that should stop my ambition... moron this some other time), but that shouldn't stop me from believing that I'm in the top 10% of people in a lot of different categories. For instance, see the earlier ramblings on football... who the hell knows what I'm saying except for sports writers or Bears fans? There was a point, earlier in my life, when I could've listed every NBA player in the league (I believe we're talking early to mid-90s)... there was also a point when I could memorize almost an entire movie's dialogue after seeing it once (but this was before my head was stuffed with useless crap... thank you Albion College)... And, no I couldn't tell you which philosopher said what, but I can listen to you talk about what you think and explain to you exactly where your logic fails and point out possible problems in your idealogy.
Wow... my writing instructor would be proud... he keeps telling us to write whatever, but to write every day... and it's tough to start writing with nothing and come up with something... but that's why you have to keep plugging through it. >sigh< The point of this whole rambling is that this is obviously a very odd time mentally and emotionally... and it's going to take some "I'm great" thoughts to combat the "God, I'm crap" thoughts that keep floating around. Ahh... but what does that matter when I sit in beautiful Lambeau field and watch one of the few things in life which never fails to evoke strong emotions (most of the time it's joy... but you've all seen what I'm like after a bad Packer loss... yeah). Mmm... football... >drool<
Have a crazy weekend all! Just in case I don't get a chance to post from the frozen north!

I just saw a commercial for Spam... it ended with "Crazy Tasty"... and do I have to say that I fully endorse Spam now? No... no I don't... but the commercial is hilarious! It makes me want to take a large spoon to a can of Spam and eat the whole damn thing!
Really?
No... but it was funny! Hooray for Spam!!!

I am Fritz, from "Fritz the Cat." I like
sex!


Which Random Cult Movie Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

There's irony in this... I'm sure... I just haven't found it yet

CrazyJohn on "the grocery"-
I was on my way to my nearest Blockbuster Video to rent myself a video game... hopefully something spicy and blood-filled... mmm... blood. Anyway... on my way, I came across a Jewel grocery store. Now, I have never been inside aforementioned Jewel, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I could have wept... Don't get me wrong, I love my Treasure Island (arr!) and my Walgreens... but there's something about the "european" style of the Treasure Island that's just too... gah. I mean, there's something very "nice" about small aisles and no selection: "hmm... two types of bread... expensive and cheap"...
But Jewel is just like a store... with stuff... stuff you can buy... stuff you can buy and then eat... And there was a parking lot, so I could drive, load up, and not have to worry about f--king groceries for another week or two. I was even thinking about stuff just to make sure they had it "Newman's Own Balsalmic Vinaigrette? Yeah! They've got it... at a good price, no less!" I wanted to grab someone who worked their and give them a huge kiss... but I can't afford the condoms. What? Even I didn't follow that.
It doesn't matter... what does matter is that I can buy groceries by the millions. Hooray for food!

Side rant: the new McDonalds commercials rank up as the MOST IRRITATING in the HISTORY OF TELEVISION! Anything with the "I'm lovin' it" at the end. "Lovin' " it????!! What the FUCK is that? I'd like to find the guy (or young lady) who came up with that ad campaign and bash their face repeatedly into a bar of some kind. Maybe a spiky bar... I don't know. Heehee... spiky bar... ok I'm done.

I finally, FINALLY, got a hold of the woman at the Library that I've been calling for over two weeks. It looks as if the position I wanted will stay "in house" :(
BUT, she did say that she was going to forward my resume on to other "department" heads who have positions opening. There are a photography job and a reading room position that are both part-time that she mentioned I might be able to do with my experience. So... we'll see about that.
Also, put in an application at Coldstone... just cuz I like ice cream... cuz it's yummy. Sewiously... we'll see.

Top Five Things I Saw Yesterday While Walking Around Chicago That Made Me Say "Oh my God!" for Some Reason
(These are also the only five... but that's not really dramatic, is it?)
5. Puke on sidewalk (self-explanatory)
4. First time since I've been here that I couldn't see the Sears Tower... too cloudy/foggy/crappy outside.
3. Christmas lights... on trees... on November 3rd? No one should like Christmas that much!
2. Life-size Grim Reaper statue at Atom Antiques... life-size = my size = looks like it wants to kill me.
1. Ambulance leaving the building right behind mine... loading up the back with a body bag.
Yeah... that's right... it's the first time I've ever seen the actual act of bringing a dead body outside of a building and into a vehicle. Yes, I've been to funerals (the word "fun" is in it... how weird)... but it's somehow a LOT different than seeing someone being brought outside in a bag. That person could have been alive less than ten minutes ago... and now they're not. It probably didn't help that I was having an argument over IM at the time that it was "setting in", but it was just a very sobering and depressing scene. I'm not going to lie... I was in a horrible mood all day, mostly because of watching that happen (and there WAS the argument... and job stuff sucks, but whatever).
And I suppose this is the point where I tell you to make sure that the people you love know that you love them, etc etc... but I'm not going to do that. I believe that you shouldn't worry about the deceased... they're in heaven/hell/rotting/just no longer alive... they're doing whatever you do when you die. So don't worry about them... and don't worry about whether or not they knew that you loved them... what does it matter? It's not like it'll change how un-living they are.
It's the living people you have to worry about. When someone you loves dies, you miss them, you miss hearing what they have to say, you miss sharing things with them... in short, it's just like they've moved away for good. I guess that's why moving is so tough. Yeah, "keeping in touch" is a lot easier now than when my parents decided to move to Michigan and not have any friends I could call "aunt" or "uncle." But it's basically the same thing... you spend your time thinking about what that person would say if they were there... good things happen, and you wish they were there to see it... bad things happen, and you wish they were there so you didn't have to cry with a stuffed gorilla you've had since elementary school (sorry King, but you're not a person)... boring, everyday things happen and you wish they were there to make the day feel like it was worth something... you meet a new boy or girl and you wish they were there to give approval or say "dude... keep looking man, seriously"... the world seems to pile shit on your head and you wish they were there to rant to. You sit there and say "God... this Dashboard Confessional song may be good... I don't know... I can't get over how HORRIFICALLY AWFUL the video is!" and no one is there to agree... wait... that's being lonely... that's a whole different rant. I guess the point is the same... the point being that the person has left such an indelible mark on your mind that you can hear their voice in your head (and sometimes I just hear quasi-random voices of descent... that'd be funny if it wasn't true). So, what's my point? I don't really know... it's 3:30 in the morning here and I can't sleep... I think that's the point. I just can't sleep...

Special Guest Rant/Rant Request 2-
On the new cast of Saturday Night Live: "every week someone breaks and the audience laughs and...applauds them? For what? For the good effort? Where's the professionalism and the writing chops to be able to get laughs because something is funny and not because someone broke character. So F-U Horatio Sanz, who along with Jimmy Fallon, broke during Weekend Update." -MJB
I think that our special guest is right, kiddies. I have to admit that I laugh when these "professionals" break character... and I do it because I know that I would break character too. I feel a connection because they're doing what I would do if I was in their position... BUT that is why I'm here in the comedy improv capital of the world taking classes. I'm here to learn how NOT to break character when I'm on stage doing funny things (or trying to do funny things). So, yes, the point is not to applaud people who are doing their job poorly... only applaud people who do their job well. Don't applaud bouncers, for instance, as they do not properly bounce people.
Well... the request was to compair the "new" SNL cast with the "old" cast... either the Carvey, Farley, Myers, Sandler, Spade SNL or the Akroyd, Martin, Chase SNL. Ok... it's pretty obvious that the new cast is not the best. Can you name three or four cast-created characters that are actually good? No... you can't. This cast doesn't seem to do the whole "make new fun characters" thing... this cast is much more into "impressions." So we can pretty much discount this cast in the conversation of who is best.
Now... comparing original cast with cast from my childhood goes as follows: Original cast had no money at all... it was all up to them to figure out how to do things cheaply. The casts after them have had tons more money comparitively speaking. So huge points to the original cast!
Also, the original cast was doing new things. Everything they were doing, they were having to invent and create... new ways of doing things... hell, they created a whole new genre. More big points to them!
But, since they were so good... every cast since has had to hear "the original guys were better" and "it was funnier before", so mad props to the late 80s/early 90s casts for reinventing the show and doing new things. Does that, alone, make them better than the previous casts? It's certainly a good argument... but you have to give the original casts major points for all they had to do that had never been done before. Therefore, in my opinion, the original crew was the best (and not just most of them started where I'm starting... but I AM that biased).

"How was that a rant?" you ask. "Good Lord! Quit ridding me! It's my damn blog... get outta here!" I respond. It really wasn't a rant... I guess. The request was to rant on the current state of the show and whether it's "funnier" than previous casts... and it's so obviously not "funnier" that I don't even feel it deserves discussion. HOWEVER (God I'm a philosopher), it is important to recognize that this current cast is what we've got, and they have to deal with constantly hearing discussions about whether or not they're as good as previous casts. No... they're not better... but they're not bad, either. Darrell Hammond is probably the best impressionist I've ever seen... his impressions are dead-on... voice inflection, accent, even many facial expressions. Weekend Update is better with Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon than it was during the Norm MacDonald, Colin Quinn era... and is as funny or even funnier than Kevin Nealon's Update... points there. And the show has such a big budget now, that they can do pretty much anything and they try lots of different things... they just haven't hit on things as big as previous casts.
In short, are the current cast the best? No... they are not. But does that mean that they're bad? No... I don't feel they're bad either. They're currently better than I am... and until that changes, I'm not going to pass judgement (God... that's never stopped me before... I'm such a bastard).
There... there's another Rant Request. If you've got one for me... let me know. I'll talk about pretty much anything... I AM a philosopher... we're experts at everything!

CrazyJohn on homesickness-
Yesterday was the annual Michigan/Michigan State football game... the "battle for Michigan" as it is so often called. And, as I sat and watched it, I was inundated with locations from my past: Birmingham, Montrose, Flint, Saginaw, Ypsilanti. And I couldn't help but feel homesick... and not just for Michigan and my home, but for Albion... the place where I learned about most of those locations. Before I went to Albion, hearing the name of those places didn't mean anything to me... but now they do. Now they connote people, memories... and there's just a certain "hey... I know that place" that makes me feel good, especially since I'm in a place where people say "Yeah... I live on the South Loop"... and I think "Uh... what?". But, eventually I'll be able to hear that a guy is from Arlington Heights and I'll say "oh yeah... I know where that is." (Coincidentally, Jarrett Payton [the son of Walter J.] is from Arlington Heights... noticed that when I was watching the Miami/Va Tech game) (Also, Arlington Heights is WAY north west of me, even though his father's HIGH SCHOOL [the Walter Payton College Prep High School] is right behind me...
at all times... right behind me all the time... I turn around and I'm like "Jesus! Walter Payton College Prep High School! Don't follow me so closely!" And the Walter Payton College Prep High School says "Mmmwaarrghhhaahhuuhhhh" because it's a big freakin' building and you can't expect articulation from a building that big! Hell... you can't even get articulation from today's youth, how can you expect a building to talk so that you can understand it?)
Speaking of which... I have a SPECIAL REQUEST RANT!!!
Ok... so here you are, typing to someone online and (if you're me) you say something funny that makes the other person laugh. But, how do you know that they are laughing? They respond "lol"... which is short for "I am currently laughing in an audible fashion" or something. This is good... this communicates what is happening on the other end of the conversation. HOWEVER... there are those people who type "lol" when they are not, in fact, laughing out loud. This is not good... this is bad because it doesn't nothing to further the communication between the two people talking. You are stupid people... there is nothing else I can say to really get my feelings across. You either go with me calling you stupid or me calling you a liar... as you are lying about the state of your laughter.
"How does this tie in to what I was just talking about?" you ask? "Who's blog is this? Shut your mouth" I respond. It ties in, because these people are likely to be the same people who don't actually use words when they talk to you online. These are the "how r u?", "c ya l8r", and "ttyl" people. Guess what you're telling me people... go on... guess... I'll wait.
>sits... looks out window... checks watch... fixes an omelet<
Are you done? Good... the real answer as to what you're telling me is this: I'm too busy and not really into this conversation enough to type the extra "y" and "o" of the word "you." Wow... that makes me feel important, thanks. Why are you even talking to me if you don't care enough to type two more letters? Because you are a lazy apathetic American youth... and you're just like everyone else my age. >sigh< Oh my generation constantly makes me happy to be going gray and losing my hair already. Wait... did I say that out loud? What I meant was... I'm glad I'm well hung and have what has been described as a magical tongue. Right... no one bought that. Ok... go back to the first one then...
Anyway... that was a special rant for a special (and hot) young lady. If you have something that you want me to rant about... toss me an email. If you don't... then don't bother me. I'm way busy doing dishes... and laundry... and vacuuming... and boring myself to sleep. Have a crazy day :)