CrazyJohn-The Best and Worst of 2003
I was going to make a top five list of the best of that past year, but there's been more than just five great things in the past year. Also, I have more than ten good things that happened, so I'm going to add a little honorable mention section. Let's see how this all works out... here we go, here's the whole list in all its glory!

Honorable Mention: The 2003 IM Indoor Soccer season. I was able to help a really good team get fairly far into the IM Soccer playoffs (as their weakest link). I also was able to hang out with Jordan, who is a totally cool young man, and just an all-around great guy. It was a lot of fun... and I was happy to be able to get the chance to play (I love soccer).

#10 Worst of 2003: Graduation screw-ups. This isn't a HUGE deal, but it's enough to continue to piss me off. I was in Mortar Board, an honorary frat, and never recognized for it (even though my friend was reading the list of names and assured me that my name would be on the list [PS Don't sweat it, hun... it's more that I was supposed to be recognized the year before]). I was also wrongly mentioned as a Management Minor in the commencement program... PLUS it seems like Albion had no idea what I actually graduated with, as I was listed as an English major without the Philosophy OR Philosophy without English. I'm sorry... but if I wanted to be lost in the graduation shuffle, I would have gone to a bigger school. Poop on Albion.

#10 Best of 2003: The Summer Party at Brandon Bartlett Blackburn-Dwyer's. I won't go into all the details, but it was a time for catching up and reconnecting. And, I think it was the last time I was able to have a good, long talk with Brandon... who, believe it or not, can actually listen and listen well. He's a great guy and I miss him... but it was great to go to lunch with him the day after and it was really great to reconnect with all the people at the party, including a certain beautiful young lady who told me for the millionth time that she forgave me and I finally believed her. It was a great night.

#9 Worst of 2003: All the English Homework and My Last Semester of College. I'll be pissed about this for the rest of my life, I'm sure. Yes... I did read about twenty REALLY good books (and a few terrible terrible ones, like the House of Mirth... "You didn't actually read that" "shut up! Who's f--king blog is this?"), but it felt like all my friends were enjoying their last semester... finishing the thesis sucked for some, but then it was relaxing/partying/not reading all the damn time. And I was pretty much busy the whole semester. This wouldn't piss me off so much if it didn't happen to me EVERY semester. >sigh< I guess my college carreer ended the same way it was the whole time... and I really wanted the last semester to be easy. Son of a bitch to that.

#9 Best of 2003: All of the traveling by myself. 2003 was a year of travel for me in groups... but it was also a year of travel just for me. Over the summer I drove all over Michigan, to Detroit and up "north", to Saginaw... And I've driven all over Chicago, Wisconsin, and upper Indiana... I've driven in the beautiful fall colors, cool summer nights, sunsets, and the occational drive through the millions of city lights at night when no one else is driving. Nothing clears my mind and relaxes me more than a nice drive... >sigh< so peaceful.

#8 Worst of 2003: Job Hunting. Yeah... the job search in Big Rapids was almost non-existent, but it was still me not getting a job or having money. There aren't, surprisingly enough, a whole lot of jobs in Big Rapids... and I was actually really happy to be able to mow my friend Nate's lawn for his parents. Then I came to Chicago, where Jim had been hunting for a job for about a month already by the time I got there. And it took me almost another month to settle myself enough to hunt for jobs myself... but then I did. And, well, it was a microcosm of what I had feared for years and years: You can be qualified enough for a job and still have no one care. No one cared... I kept calling and calling, and no one cared that I was good enough to do the job. OVER-qualified for the job... I went from the shelter of Albion, where what I did made a difference (and, in my humble opinion, a BIG difference by the time I was a senior... I mean... I could have run fund-raisers there my senior year, I was practically a celebrity)... to being just another person in an already over-populated city. It was the symbol for the societal smack in the face that I was avoiding the past four years while at college... and it hit me in 2003.

#8 Best of 2003: The American College Theatre Festival. Yes, ACTF, which I had previously avoided like the plague. I still fundamentally disagree with the philosophy of theatre as a competition... and I hated actually performing for those sons of bitches, but everything else was great. I had some great times with Bohne and my son... going to Dennys for a two hour breakfast, driving around the town, just talking and laughing with two wonderful people. I also had a few great conversations... and was able to watch a play while holding hands with the most beautiful girl in the world. So that's always a plus... as far as the theatre going experience. I was also able to drive at night while holding those same loving hands... It was the beginning of something great and, in some ways, the beginning of some really hard times... but everything is more exciting in the beginning. PLUS... how often do you get to say that Starko bought you Indian food? Well... if you're not Erin Lewis how often does that happen? Well... if you're not a woman, how often does that happen? And AND! I was able to see what was undoubtedly the performance of Miss Laura Jeannine Kraly's life, as she was spectacular (never better!)... and I gave a toast to the cast, of whom I was INSANELY jealous because Charlie's Aunt would have KILLED! They would have loved it... and I would have felt so incredible to be on a stage that large, with an audience that big, and have people laughing at something that I was doing... but this is besides the point. It was a great trip, is all I'm saying. Oo oo! PLUS I had a couple REALLY good talks with a Miss Colleen Kelly, who is just a fantastic person. What can I say? It was a good week.

#7 Worst of 2003: A Disappointing Hamlet. Speaking of theatre, in 2003 I had a dream fulfilled... I was able to play Hamlet the Dane on stage. I had wanted to play Hamlet ever since reading it in high school and realizing that I feel very much like he: melancholy, smarter than everyone around me, and doomed to die tragically while trying to prove I was right about something. Anyway... I wanted to play Hamlet for as long as I can remember liking Shakespeare, and I finally got the chance in 2003. There's only one problem... my performance. After just having been in Charlie's Aunt, perhaps the greatest role in my life to date (and easily the most work I've ever put in to a play), my performance in Hamlet left much to be desired. I actually feel like I did so poorly, that I really wish I would have stopped with Charlie's Aunt (gone out a champion of sorts). I don't think I'm just being hard on myself, either... I've seen the tape. I don't think I've heard a more mono-toned, emotionless Hamlet (or character) in my entire life... I was flat, and I was flat even on my "good" night. It was pretty much enough to make me want to stop doing serious roles all-together... because if I'm going to perform like THAT, I shouldn't even try. >shakes head< So disappointed in myself.

#7 Best of 2003: Susan and Adam's Wedding. While Susan and Adam weren't my first friends to get married, they WERE the first couple who I loved separately that ended up together (how did that sentence make any sense?). >Shrug< Face it, as long as I've known Susan and Adam, it's been Susan and Adam (some say "Adam and Susan"... these people are morons) (no... it doesn't really matter... I think they even answer to "hey whitey" if you want to call them that)... And I wanted them to work so much, that I was happy to see them get married. But this isn't the only reason why this was SUCH a good day. I'll start with just being invited... which wasn't sure in and of itself (moron this later). Plus I had a reconciliation with a professor who had historically been a total asshole to me... and he seemed even interested in what I was going to be doing after college. >Shrug< Weird, huh? PLUS I was able to dance with three beautiful women AND have a wonderful conversation with Miss Colleen Kelly (odd that our conversations end up days on this list... it's a good thing I didn't have a Best and Worst of 2002, because our conversations would've found themselves on the Worst list that year... yeah...). But BUT the GREATEST part of the day... BY FAR... the greatest reason why this day was SO GOOD... was because of Miss Susan Dudley-Southard. I have never seen another human being as happy as Susan was that day... her mood made me feel good all the way to my core. She beemed... absolutely radiated pure joy... and I don't think I've ever been happier for another human being in my life than I was for Susan that day. I will ALWAYS remember how she looked as she walked down the aisle. I love Adam and Susan... and I hope that they have years and years of the happiness that they had that one day. And "John" is such a good name for a boy, just so everyone knows.

#6 Worst of 2003: An Anti-Climactic Graduation. For four years, my goal in college was to get that damn degree. Now, don't get me wrong, it wasn't my only goal while I was in college... but it's the reason why you go to college. "Hello!!! You play to win the game" Heehee... Herman Edwards... anyway, back to being pissed. Wait... I'm not pissed, I was numbed by the absolute nothing that was graduation from Albion College. Let's look at it... first of all, the ridiculous move into the Dow for the ceremony when it was sunny outside... which just completely stomped all the dreams and visions I had of graduating outside on the quad in front of a few thousand people. All the "romance" (pardon my cheese) of graduation was gone... and we had a ceremony in a stupid building with echoes and it was hot and it was uncomfortable... it was just a stupid ceremony. In addition, my family didn't really treat it like anything special. My sister and I recently tried to recollect where we went for dinner as a family afterward (after my sister's graduation, we went to a fancy restaurant), and we couldn't. I don't think we had a dinner for my graduation. Plus, I really didn't get anything... I mean, I got a GREAT digital camera for graduation... but we didn't have a party or anything... we didn't really do anything, my parents were like "we're going to give you some money for your trip, so we really didn't do anything for you." And they didn't. Plus, my then girlfriend wasn't even in the state (not her fault... but still hurt that I couldn't share it with her)... and it was just a numb day and a numb situation (for arguably one of the numbest years of my life... moron this later).

#6 Best of 2003: Spring Break! This year was the first time of my collegiate career that I went on Spring Break with a small group of friends (there was, of course, the Choir trip... which was incredible! but it was still a school sponsored trip). Sarah, Randi, Amber, Court, Sellers, and I drove down to North Carolina... and spent the better part of the week in a beautiful hotel right on the ocean. I don't know how to put how great this trip was... but was hung out on the beach, we went shopping in South Carolina, and we had one of the greatest dining experiences of my life so far at the House of Blues in South Carolina... SO GOOD! It was a great trip... great times... great people... even at the end when we were all hungry and angry at each other in an Applebees... I was still having fun (maybe because I'm a bit of a sadist).

#5 Worst of 2003: What a year for depression! It's hard for me to pin-point where this was most significant, but 2003 was a pretty depressing year for many reasons. So I'm putting "depression," just in general, on my list. The MAIN reasons why I got so depressed in 2003 are all above this on the list (above meaning below on the page, but above as far as rank... if you didn't understand that, why are you wasting your time reading this?)... but, let's face it, there were times this past year when I really didn't need a reason to be depressed. This year marked the last year that I had been looking forward to (John of 1999 said, "Wow... I'm going to graduate in 2003... I wonder what I'll be like"). Now, even the switch to 2004 is odd... because I never really thought about what would happen after I graduate. I never said to myself, "Gee, I bet 2012 will be a kick ass year!" or "Gosh, I can't wait until when 2020 rolls around!" because that would make me sound like a wussy. No... the Post-Graduation (PG) dates are all scary to me. I wasn't even thinking about PG until I had to... which was at graduation... which happened in 2003. I mean, when you're younger, do you think about what you're going to be like when you're 30 or 40? Maybe... but it's always thoughts of stability: a job, a family or not, maybe children, a house or just a place to call your own, a fucking dog or a two stall garage... these are the only things I have to look forward to? Who signed up for this shit? Not me! I signed up to play video games and hit on women until they're uncomfortable... I signed up to have someone do my laundry because I hate it so... I signed up for, well, nothing. So many things in 2003 hit me in the same way graduation did... 2003 was a year of change and, historically, change makes me depressed. So, via hypothetical syllogism, 2003 was a year that made me depressed... period.

#5 Best of 2003: Ken visits the Windy City! Wow... what a great week that was! I was worried about it because of the way I picked him up (hint: it sucked). But I had been in this city for two months, and I never looked at it like someone who was just trying to have a good time, until Ken came. It was great... we shot things, drank Guinness, went to eat interesting places, and we even got to see a great Packers win in Lambeau Field. Even though he was visiting me, it felt like I was on vacation. I look forward to next April, when I can return the favor by flying out to Vegas (I think it's April... I'll still have to check) (I just checked... it's April 5-11, but I might take off the week before [the Wedneday before] and then spend the weekend and be back in Chicago in time to not have to worry about the Easter travel traffic).

#4 Worst of 2003: All the friendship "lessons." Oh yes... 2003 was a year when I tried to think about what I wanted... and my friends let me know that they weren't too keen on the way I handled that whole thing. The year started with Laura's feelings noticeably hurt (she tried to hide it... just made me feel worse)... AND with a small group of "Laura-supporters" who pretty much felt that I should be drawn and quartered and, maybe afterwards, feed to some kind of barnyard animal. This was, oddly enough, fine by me because with the exception of one person (who will remain nameless, but who told me I was "wrong" for how I treated Laura and how I handled our relationship and its end) these were all Laura's friends and not mine. Then something that I can't explain happened between Susan and I. I can't explain it... because I'd be hard pressed to remember how it started, or even why we were mad in the first place. But Susan and I ended up mad at each other... not talking to each other... and I was left off the initial guest list to her wedding (see #7 Best of 2003). What I ended up walking away from that experience with was a new-found respect for how difficult it can be to keep friendships with people who you truely care about when you're busy and only worrying about yourself. Friendships are hard... they require effort... That's what makes them meaningful. You're damn right I'm willing to drive to Albion to see Amy Lewis' play... she's important to me; Mike Bohne is important to me; and that play was important to them. But it's not just about doing things when they're convenient. It's about thinking about people because you love them... and calling on New Year's Day while they're playing Lord of the Rings Risk just to say "Happy New Year!" These are good lessons I learned... but damn if they didn't have a price. If I had spent one-tenth of the time I was worrying about Susan and my relationship actually TALKING with her, this wouldn't have been a big deal. And, in retrospect, it was a good thing.
Oh, but the lessons didn't end there in 2003. If one good friend almost purposefully not inviting you to the most important day of their life isn't enough... we also had the "lame lessons." The lame lessons are my yearly lessons from certain people about how little time I spend with them, and how unimportant they must be to my life. And, of course, the "guilt" approach doesn't make me feel guilty... well, it does, but it mostly makes me feel ANGRY that you would use guilt in such a way: to manipulate my feelings, my love for you as a friend and as a person. I have, historically, gotten the lame lesson from a couple people in particular... but in 2003, everyone seemed to think that it was a good idea (even my family). I guess what confuses me the most about this whole thing is that most of these people are the people who tell me that they just want me to be happy and successful. Ok... so when I'm trying to attain happiness and success you're going to tell me that I don't spend enough time with you? What the hell do you want? My happiness or yours? Apparently it's yours. So pardon me for not feeling guilty when I tell you in no uncertain terms to go "shove it." >sigh< Happens every year... sometimes more than once a year... and it still hurts me. a lot. every time.

#4 Best of 2003: Thanksgiving/Christmas. Thanksgiving is pretty easy to explain... after having been in Chicago almost two months, and FINALLY getting a job just a few short days earlier, it was so relaxing to be with my family again. I didn't have to worry about any of the shit that I had been worrying about since I moved there... it was just about me and my parents and my wonderful sister... being together again. Now, Thanksgiving would be alone at #4 on this list if my Packers had beaten the stupid Lions (I hate every Lions fan except for Nate) (no... that is true)... but they didn't. So that depressed my family right quick... but if I add the short, but equally wonderful Christmas to this list... then this is a sure-fire number four. This year's Christmas wasn't about "material possessions" (which is not a phrase I would use, but it looks like I just did... so what the hell?)... it was ONLY about being with my family. My Sister and I made Christmas cookies for the first time in YEARS and, well, the whole experience was really about being together again.... with the people in my life who won't ever leave my life. They're stuck with me just as I am stuck with them, and I couldn't be happier about that :)

#3 Worst of 2003: Moving to Chicago. Yeah, kiddies, while this is where I am now... and I'm trying desperately to make it good for me, it was one of the worst things that happened to me in 2003. From finding an apartment on a day when my dad wasn't "into" it, to the actual move-in, to wondering around the city aimlessly, to the exposure to "city-life" and all the apathy to basic human life in the city. And, while it hurt me every time I saw someone begging when I moved here... I've since moved on to the "I'm just trying to make my own living, guy... what do you want from me?" phase. >Sigh< It is now completely obvious to me that one of my goals is to be wealthy enough to not have to live in a city like this... because I just can't handle it: all the noise, the people, everything. (Side note: Last week, on my way to work, there was about twenty seconds of pure silence in the city... and it was such a "loud" silence that I couldn't help noticing that it seemed like all the cars, and the wind, it all stopped. It was weird, and sobbering) Basically this would've been hard regardless of where I moved, because I moved here to live by myself... so the whole seperation from everyone and everything I had known was going to hit me... and it did in 2003. Now I'm not saying I'm over it... but being here in 2004 is already infinately easier than 2003. We'll see.

#3 Best of 2003: All things Euphonics!!! Being in the Euphonics will forever be one of my foundest memories from Albion... and in 2003 I finally have something to really be proud of for years to come: The CD. Was making the CD enough to put the Euphonics on my list? Hell no... making the CD sucked, honestly. But the fact that I have it... is so meaningful to me. It's like I'm leaving something at Albion that says "John Steeno was here, and he DID something, see?". That's important to me, for reasons I won't get into (you can guess... you're smart, unless you're a woman) (man, that was funny). Anyway, let us not forget the Albion Idol concert... that was fun, and a great end to my two and a half years doing Euphonics stuff. BUT... one of the greatest things about being a Euphonic this year was something most people didn't see: the gig at Starr Commonwealth. Yeah, that's right... the thing I wasn't looking forward to... I didn't know how we'd be received... I was worried they would just be totally apathetic towards what we were trying to do. But I can honestly say that the hour or so spent at Starr Commonwealth made all the work I did as a Euphonic (ALL of it) completely worth it. They were the best audience we ever had... they were TOTALLY into it, and we took some questions after our concert and I was asked if I was going to be "a comedian" and I said that I planned on living in my parent's basement for a while (which I did)... but it looks like I am trying to be a comedian. I really want to write a letter to Starr and let them know how great I felt that experience was, thank them for their enthousiasm, AND let them know that I am following my "dreams" and that they can too... if they work hard enough and are willing to put themselves out on a limb, like I am. So, Starr Commonwealth, the CD, the Albion Idol concert... 2003 was a great year to be a Euphonic.

#2 Worst of 2003: Saying Good-bye. 2003 was a year of "good-byes," as it was the year of leaving all things known and comfortable. No one likes saying good-bye... but it's particularly hard when you're leaving everyone you know and love and going off into the unknown by yourself. What else is there to say? Friends, family, teachers, that dude who I saw once... everyone was left behind in 2003. And everytime I go back someplace and see someone again, it means saying goodbye one more time. It's worth it, but it doesn't make it any easier.

#2 Best of 2003: My Birthday! What an odd day my birthday was. Waking up in Chicago by myself, driving to Wisconsin to be with my family, the three or four phone calls while I was on the road... then it was picking up my sister, a wonderful conversation, a football experience that will be with me for the rest of my life, another great conversation... finally cake and ice cream with my family, grandma, aunt, uncle, and two of my cousins.... what an odd day... but it's one I won't soon forget.

#1 Worst of 2003: THE break-up. Anyone who knows me, knows that this had to be on the list somewhere... and here it is, at number one. I'm not exactly sure how to put this all into words... I don't fault her and I don't hate her... In fact, I still love her... but it hurt, honestly. I mean, the timing sucked (even though I can't think of a better time she could have done it)... as I had just finished school and didn't have a support system around me sans my parents, who, being parents, can't really seem to help no matter how hard they try. It was good timing, in a way, as it meant I was able to look ahead to what I was going to do with myself without worrying about having to stay in Michigan... but I was going to want to stay close to see my family anyway. >shrug< I honestly don't know when would have been a better time... but I felt alone because all my friends were in different places when it happened. So I spent most of my summer driving to them just to be with my friends... and the summer was quickly spent, without me really knowing what I was going to do with myself. So the timing sucked, but, again, I don't see how she could have done it differently. The key thing was the emotions... I mean, she was able to open a flood of emotions in me, and then she left before I had learned how to control them (again, not her fault... more a timing thing... and my fault for not being in better control of my emotions by my 22nd year). So I spent a lot of time feeling an extreme depression, or remembering good times, feeling happy and THEN feeling sad, or feeling absolutely nothing. It's like my emotional switch has two positions: off and high. Again, this is not her fault... but it was an unfortunate place for me to be when we split. I guess, lastly, it was just a very confusing time for me overall... and this didn't help. I mean, for a long time I didn't understand why she did it... then it just didn't matter, but I still wondered why she was still talking to me... then THAT didn't matter, but I went back to wondering why we broke up if she was still going to want to talk to me, and so on. And all that was done while I was confused about what i should do with myself, and the rest of my life (I know I'm not supposed to think of this stage as the rest of my life.... but I'm not a very flexible person, so I'd really rather just plan something and stick with it). So it was just a confusing time overall... again, not totally her fault... she added to it, yes, but it would have been confusing even if she hadn't done anything.
In all of this, there are important lesson that I learned that shouldn't be lost. Fortunately for you, I've already commented on them... so I won't make this as long as it already is (what?). >Shrug< Karen is great... and she did what she had to do. There will always be nights when I look up at the falling snow and I will actually pause to notice how beautiful it is... and that's because of her... and I'll laugh because of her... thank you, Karen Rose.

#1 Best of 2003: ROADTRIP TO VEGAS!!! What can be said... besides I spent about two weeks with my son, Nick... two weeks straight... and we only argued once (about a stupid "do not disturb" sign), but we were better about fifteen minutes later after getting doughnuts. Nick and I saw beautiful things like the Badlands or wildlife in Yellowstone, strange things like the ice cream capital of the world or what might have been a drug deal in a reststop, and conscience altering things like a John Deer tractor standing on it's "head" or Mormons. We also spent a few days in Vegas with Ken, which I think I liked more than he did (as Ken and I stayed up until all hours of the morning playing video games while Nick was sleeping). We were also able to spend the night with Miss Amy Lewis in Louisville... which contained two of the most interesting and best meals of my entire life (it's worth the drive just to eat with her family... I won't ruin it, but it's awesome). Basically, it was a great time... and I was able to be with Nick when he experienced all sorts of new things and look at the world with a new perspective. And I love South Dakota. It was a truly amazing experience.... and I'm happy that it happened in 2003 :)

So... we're done. That was 2003 for CrazyJohn in all its glory. In general, 2003 as a year of extremes: from the incridible bliss, confidence, high self-esteem, comfort, and love that was life at Albion College... to the opposite, which is Chicago. It's basically like metaphorically going from a big fish in a little pond, to a little fish that gets eaten... all in one year. Am I looking forward to 2004? Not at all! But one of my resolutions is to look past that, and "just keep swimming." So best of luck to all you and yours in 2004-
-CrazyJohn-