The thing that made me so happy Monday night...
Hey... I finally decided just to post my latest script. It's funny (I think)... and it put me in a good mood. Tell me what you think! And, again, if I see all or any of this reproduced somewhere else without my consent... I WILL sue (I've got nothing better to do... and there are enough people who read this blog [as well as those people in my class] to fully claim rights to this script).

“Gettin Canned”
January 26, 2004 (Version 1)
CAST
JACK – Late 20s, wears shirt and tie.
TRACY – 20s, business attire.
GRAMPS – 70s, wears a plaid shirt with suspenders.
CHARLIE – Early 30s.
(Lights up on JACK, who sits at his cubical, having trouble with his computer. TRACY enters)

TRACY
Hey JACK… I heard you got engaged. Congratulations!

JACK
Oh… hey TRACY. Yeah… finally taking “the plunge.” Heh… Yeah… So is there something wrong with the computers today?

TRACY
What do you mean?

JACK
I just can’t seem to access the network today, and I’ve got a ton of work from the weekend to catch up on…

TRACY
Did you pray?

JACK
Excuse me?

TRACY
Did you pray to Jesus? To have him fix your computer?

JACK
Uh… no… I think that Jesus probably has better things to do than fix my computer.

TRACY
You silly… Jesus is everywhere! He’s IN your computer, of course he’ll fix it. “Dear Jesus, please fix JACK’S computer. Your friend, TRACY.” All taken care of… talk to you later JACK.
(Exits)

JACK
Yeah… great… glad that’s all taken care of.
(Looking up from computer)
Hey GRAMPS.

(GRAMPS enters, pushing a mail cart.)

GRAMPS
Hey JACK… here’s your mail. I hear you got engaged. Congratulations.

JACK
Yeah… thanks GRAMPS. Heh… That information seems to be going around the office today.

GRAMPS
Yeah… I’ll never forget my wedding reception. Right after we cut the cake, I went to the back room with both her sisters and we smoked a huge bowl…

JACK
Wow… that’s really great, GRAMPS. Thanks for sharing that.

GRAMPS
I’ll say it was great, because they both got horny… so I started doin’ em both…

JACK
OK GRAMPS! That’s great!

GRAMPS
Then my wife came in… but she didn’t mind what was going on, and she joined in…

JACK
I’d love to hear all about it… but I have work to do, so if you don’t mind GRAMPS…

GRAMPS
Good luck trying to get work done today… I hear the server’s down.

JACK
What?! You gotta be kidding me!

GRAMPS
I don’t kid, kid. But I hear that CHARLIE guy’s coming in today to try to fix it.

JACK
Oh… CHARLIE from I.T.?

GRAMPS
Yeah, that guy. You know him?

JACK
Yeah… we’ve known each other since I started working here.

GRAMPS
So… does he actually think he’s Charlie the Tuna or what?

JACK
Um… what?

GRAMPS
You know what I mean… with those glasses and that hat.

JACK
I never really noticed anything…

(CHARLIE enters wearing glasses and a red beret, looking as much like Charlie the Tuna as possible)

CHARLIE
Hey JACK… I heah you got engaged. Congradulations!

JACK
Thanks CHARLIE. You here to fix the computers?

CHARLIE
Yeah… but the prahblem isn’t the computahs. It’s prahbably the servah.

JACK
How long will the server take to fix? Because I’ve got all this work to catch up on…

CHARLIE
Depends on the prahblem, JACK. I tell ya this, if I can’t figuah this one out, this time I might get canned.

GRAMPS
(Snickering)
Getting canned? That would be terrible for you.

CHARLIE
Yeah… it would be. Is my gettin’ canned funny to you?

GRAMPS
It would be, Tuna boy.

CHARLIE
Tuna boy? Who ah you, old man?

(TRACY reenters… all dialogue slightly overlaps.)

JACK
CHARLIE, this is GRAMPS.

CHARLIE
Well, “GRAMPS” you wanna tell me what the Tuna thing was all about?

TRACY
JACK, I was just thinking… are you going to have non-meat alternatives at your wedding reception? Because, you know, I’m a vegetarian.

GRAMPS
Are you supposed to be Charlie the Tuna or something?

JACK
Well TRACY, we really haven’t even talked about who’s going to be on the guest list. But… ah… I guess we might have fish? Do you eat fish?

TRACY
Yeah… fish would be just fine.

CHARLIE
(To TRACY)
Wait… you’re a veggie, but you still eat fish? What’s that about?

GRAMPS
(To CHARLIE)
Catholics do that during Lent… I have fried fish every Friday night, because I can’t eat meat.

CHARLIE
Oh please… it’s a well known fact that Cathlics not eatin’ meat on Fridays was conceived by the fish mongahs back in the time of Jesus.

TRACY
Right now is the time of Jesus. All time is Jesus’ time.

JACK
(To CHARLIE)
Jesus is everywhere, didn’t you know that?

GRAMPS
(To TRACY)
You know what I’ve never understood about you? If Jesus is everywhere, how do you eat anything? I mean, aren’t you eating Jesus?

TRACY
He did say: “This is my flesh… take it and eat it.”

JACK
Isn’t that cannibalism?

GRAMPS
How is cannibalism better or different than eating meat?

TRACY
(To GRAMPS)
Do YOU think it’s cannibalism when you go to church?

CHARLIE
I shoulda known you wah Cathlic… youah prahbably an alcahahlic.

GRAMPS
(To CHARLIE)
For your information, I detest alcohol. Can’t stand the stuff.

JACK
(To himself)
That apparently doesn’t seem to stop you from doing other “stuff.”

GRAMPS
(Confrontationally to CHARLIE)
And, furthermore, I think everyone who does drink alcohol is a moron.

CHARLIE
You think youah bettah than me, old man?

TRACY
Guys, please… violence is not the answer.

GRAMPS
(Smirking)
You better watch out, boy… I might have a dolphin-safe net.

CHARLIE
What ah you talkin’ about, yah old bahstid?

JACK
Good one GRAMPS… but I’ve got work to do, so if you guys don’t mind…

TRACY
W.W.J.D.?

CHARLIE
You wanna take this outside?

TRACY
Guys… W.W.J.D.?!!!

GRAMPS
Pfft… I was whopping ass while your daddy was jerking off to pictures of…

JACK
OH LOOK! My computer just fixed itself… looks like CHARLIE can go, and everyone can leave so I can get my work done.

(CHARLIE slowly exits… TRACY and GRAMPS exit soon after. JACK left alone on stage… staring at his computer screen.)

JACK (CONT’D)
Well… I can’t get anything done with my computer not working… I might as well just go home.
(JACK exits. Blackout)